Steve Horsmon shares some simple advice for women. Sometimes it’s the simple things that make all the difference.
—
Tim was at the top of a wobbly eight-foot step ladder changing a light bulb when it happened…again.
His wife, Jennifer, had something on her mind and it was obviously critical that he be informed immediately. He heard her approaching and talking loudly about something she needed. He already started feeling a familiar knot of disapproval and disrespect in his gut. Jennifer was good at that.
When she arrived at the foot of the ladder she kept talking and Tim kept working. He doesn’t remember exactly what she was talking about and was annoyed and irritated by her inconvenient interruption. Jennifer finally walked away frustrated and said, “You can be so mean to me! I hate that!”
Jennifer finally walked away frustrated and said, “You can be so mean to me! I hate that!”
|
Tim asked me what happened? What should he have done differently?
When I suggested he might actually step down off the ladder for a minute, face Jennifer calmly and listen to what she had to say, he said, “Really? But I was in the middle of something. Why couldn’t she wait.”
I explained that it’s quite possible she felt ignored and unimportant. She was an inconvenience to him. She may have felt totally dismissed.
Tim said, “Oh. Well that’s not how I want her to feel.” He told me it happened again the next week and this time he stepped off the ladder and listened to Jennifer. He said the entire day seemed to go better between them after that.
Go figure. Sometimes it’s the simple things that make all the difference.
♦◊♦
Choosing to do very simple things can totally change the vibe in a relationship. Tim decided he would rather help Jennifer feel acknowledged and valued instead of ignored and unimportant.
What might Jennifer do to help him feel more appreciated and more respected? He hadn’t felt those vibes in a long time.
|
He started thinking about how she might return the gesture. What might Jennifer do to help him feel more appreciated and more respected? He hadn’t felt those vibes in a long time. Then he saw a piece of advice for women from Karen Brody.
Karen Brody is a fellow relationship coach for men and wrote the piece of advice below. When I read it I just smiled and thought, “I need to share this with the men. Karen gets it.” In fact, Karen “gets” a lot about the frustrations and heartache men face in relationships with women. Her wise insight comes from her own relationship experience and from the mountains of men who seek her help and support.
When Tim read her carefully worded advice to women he quietly pumped his fist and thought, “She’s saying what most of us won’t say for ourselves.”
♦◊♦
“Why Women Complain, (and What Men Think about It)”
Where did women get the idea that if they complained about what didn’t feel good or what was missing, men would do something about it?
I really don’t know; but, I certainly got that crazy memo! Did I ever!
I tried every single angle on complaining to find the most effective way to get my important message across to a man. But all I got was the echo of my own angry voice, tormenting me like a broken record.
As I began going inside of the problem, I noticed that when I complained I felt awful. I mean really awful. I didn’t like myself, and worse, I saw that it virtually NEVER worked to get me what I wanted with a man. It was like screaming for help inside a soundproof room.
Why? Complaining seems like such an effective way to get your needs met – at least from a woman’s perspective.
I used to think it was because men were simply dense; and specifically, dense to a woman’s cries for greater love or intimacy, demonstrated by their lack of action. So, like any smart woman who wanted her way, I got louder and more animated.
“I hurt, I need, I want, I’m not happy! Why aren’t you doing something about it!?”
When that didn’t work, I got critical to really drive the message home: “What’s wrong with you? Don’t you see that I’m in pain? Don’t you have any feelings?”
Men need respect like women need love. Any sign that respect isn’t present creates feelings of failure and mistrust, not exactly motivators to love more.I knew I was in real trouble when even the personal attacks didn’t work. So I began the path of my research on men.
Over time I realized that none of those tactics worked because contrary to what I thought, men are not dense. In fact, they’re highly sensitive to a woman’s tone and what she’s communicating behind that tone.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeMen need respect like women need love. Any sign that respect isn’t present creates feelings of failure and mistrust, not exactly motivators to love more.
In the same way a woman doesn’t thrive when she doesn’t feel loved, a man’s desire to support a woman dries up when he doesn’t feel respected. She then gets put in a category with other people he doesn’t really trust – and her requests fall upon deaf ears.
So, I learned that harsh words(of any kind) or a harsh tone destroy love. And I’ve learned to do whatever I need to do to avoid unleashing them on someone I love.
Best way to get a man to give you more love and more affection, or whatever you need from him, is to ask directly. Men tell me that the women they respect most are those who “don’t play games”, meaning don’t drop clues through complaints, but ask for what they want and give a man a chance to win. ~ Karen Brody
♦◊♦
Simple, right? Not really.
She must choose to respond – not react.
She must commit to always starting with a loving intention and a positive mindset.
She must decide to meet her man’s needs even when hers are not being met at the moment.
Those can be tough choices even when doing the opposite is clearly a bad option.
Men face the exact same challenges.
We need to fight our defensive reactions in order to create an environment ripe for love and connection.
We need to commit to understanding and meeting our woman’s needs even when we feel ours are being ignored.
As we do our work and try to step up, we want our partner to do the same.
Wouldn’t it be amazing if we both tried at the same time?
I wrote a special report for men in John’s shoes. Download your free copy of “The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage” by clicking HERE.
♦◊♦
Image ID: 1490150852
Who said women expect us to do something about what they say? Newsflash, guys: not everybody think the way you are. Most of the time, women just need to steam out. This is their way of discharging confusion, negative emotions and other burden. Also, through talking, women resolve most of their problems. Unless she feels that you are not listening – then she feels worse, as in this story. If she doesn’t explicitly asks you to do something, – just shut up and listen. Soon, she will cool down, settle everything up in her mind, and will be happy again.… Read more »
I don’t mind hearing out somebody’s problems, irrespective if I’m being asked to provide input or the person just wants to vent.
But not when I’m in the middle of something else
Thank you for bringing this up. Namaste Moore’s School of Femiine Transformation (SOFT) helps women get in touch with their feminine essence, which in turn teaches women who to be SOFT, and get the love they want from men. Check it out! thealechmistlab.com
It’s annoying when behaviors are assigned to the sexes when they don’t have to be. In my experience, men complain just as much as women. Not just in little ways, but in the bigger ways alluded to in the article (what doesn’t feel good or what’s missing). And the interrupting thing–that’s just rude, inconsiderate behavior. I don’t believe that’s a gender issue; it’s a manners issue. People in general need to work on approaching people in a respectful way and considering each other’s needs. I might be in the minority, but I have a hard time taking things seriously when… Read more »
I’m really confused. I feel like I missed the whole body of the article- is the lady’s name a link to the piece of advice she wrote??
This article is great, if we’re dealing with good men.. but it doesn’t work on those dirty creatures I don’t know how to address, who got their nose raised even higher with compliments. Such kind of creatures ended up stepping on our head whenever we lend our hands to their troubles..
Maybe in intimate relationships we need to be treated with loving respect. There may also be a subset within both genders who are so entitled that they do not just desire respect. They desire infallible admiration. When they receive anything other than that, they crumble and attack their mate as critical.
We seem to treat strangers and coworkers and the like better than our own spouses sometimes. 2 decades with my husband, and we don’t complain or disrespect each other. If either of us has a need or an issue, we talk about it like adults. We use calming words. We don’t harp on one another. Because we love each other and don’t want to be the reason for each other’s pain and suffering in life. Also- I am not his mommy. He is not my daddy. It’s all really simple in my mind. I think selfishness comes into play. If… Read more »
I think it’s a good article.
I’d like to add that instead of going “I hate it when you [don’t clean the living room/whatever]” saying something like “Oh! You washed the dishes! Thank you!” works a lot better. Find something good and appreciate it instead. And, soon, things get done and everyone feels good about it.
It’s a good article. I had some of the same concerns as others with the vignette presented: that Tim would be being unfair to himself by stopping what he was doing to meet his wife’s demanding tone. But that’s a given circumstance in a presumably far more complicated relationship. The evolution toward a solid and loving relationship often will not happen without some type of capitulation, or at least holding the health of the relationship above cold morality of who’s right and wrong. Of course, that’s important too, because if one feels like the continual victim, then he/she won’t feel… Read more »
Steve
” Men need respect like women need love”
What a strange statement!
Women need respect just the same way men do.
And when Stuart K, in a comment under an other article here on GMP described women as garbage then I really lost my calm.
And men that call women garbage still demand respect!
They do not need respect but an appointment with a shrink.
Easy, Silke. ;^) You may have read that too literally. Of course women need respect and men need love. Karen’s nuanced point is to help women relate to how a man FEELS when she shows him respect. Some of us FEEL most loved when we first feel your respect and admiration – without conditions. To help make her point, she is asking women to think about how THEY feel when they experience feelings of love from their man. Wouldn’t it be amazing if she knew and wanted to help him feel that same way – but in HIS way. And… Read more »
Steve
Respect is something you must have to get it.
For me respect is a feeling inside of me,an opinion about another person.
I will try to relate to my man in a polite manner ,and be civil. I do not FAKE respect.
Women can manipulate men by pretending they feel respect while the fact is they feel none,because the respect for a man can be lost just like a sexual desire for him can be lost.
Why not be emotionally honest ?
The man no longer feel respected? Why not ask her why she lost her respect?
Hi Silke, In a truly healthy relationship I believe each partner must make the effort to express love, respect, admiration, attraction, acceptance, approval and appreciation in the ways their partner wants to feel those things. If their feelings are telling them they can’t find ANY reason to express those things, then they have much bigger problems. And they should both be honest about that instead of pretending. In many cases, even where love and respect still exist, partners can refuse to make an effort because they are feeling hurt or neglected for some reason. Then they have a stand off.… Read more »
Steve
Yes we can agree on that.
My parents treated each other with respect always.
My mother had lots of things to complain about and maybe he had as well ,but they they both treated each other with respect and love
Still as a child growing up in that home I home I wish she had dared to open her mouth and tell him the truth.
What looks like respectful behavior can be simply submission.
Some men like a woman to be submissive .
I end my comments here.
Keep up the good work Steve.
I prefer respect
“I explained that it’s quite possible she felt ignored and unimportant. She was an inconvenience to him. She may have felt totally dismissed. Tim said, “Oh. Well that’s not how I want her to feel.” He told me it happened again the next week and this time he stepped off the ladder and listened to Jennifer. He said the entire day seemed to go better between them after that.” Wait a sec… This article was headed as “some simple advice for women”. Yet, it starts off with the presumption that a woman’s feelings are more important than anything else, always,… Read more »
Thanks for commenting, FK The main purpose for showing two sides to their relationship was to support the punch line. If both people can see the truth about the other’s needs/insecurities and choose to ACT on it, amazing things change. There is no presumption that women’s feelings are more important then men’s – they are not. I’m talking about mutuality in this article…but someone needs to go first. Curious, FK. Why in the world would you assume “Jennifer” has been giving the cold shoulder to him for a week? One of the biggest hurdles men tell me they are trying… Read more »
Hi Steve, You are not supporting the punch line, you are contradicting it. You say there is no presumtion that women’s feelings are more important then men’s in the article, that you are talking about mutuality. But I don’t see anything about it. Since Tim is getting a familiar knot of disapproval and disrespect at the mere sound of his wife’s critical voice, this pattern of her taking his attention for granted at any moment, no matter how inconveniant for him, must have been going on for quite some time. Yet, HE is the bad guy, he’s the one being… Read more »
Did you read the rest of the article?
Do not tolerate any disrespect from your significant other at any time. Use “I feel” statements when confronting her/him, do it in a gentle respectful tone. Now, specifically from a man’s point of view: If she doesn’t respond well after doing it a couple times, definitely start counseling asap and sleep out on the couch. Don’t give her any affection or approval until she respects your feelings as being equal to hers. if she doesn’t respond in counseling, talk to her extended family and rent an apartment or motel. Never let a spouse get away with treating the man she… Read more »
“What might Jennifer do to help him feel more appreciated and more respected? He hadn’t felt those vibes in a long time.” Stop nagging him to death and wait a minute or two whilst he finishes the job on the ladder. Stop whinging and hold the ladder for him, actually help him instead of being an entitled princess who expects him to drop everything for her instantly. ““I hurt, I need, I want, I’m not happy! Why aren’t you doing something about it!?”” The whole problem in one sentence. It’s entitlement, like a child, not a 2 way street. It’s… Read more »
Hmmm, I’m getting a strong sense of entitlement from you!
“We need to fight our defensive reactions in order to create an environment ripe for love and connection.”
This too me is really what it is all about.
I personally thought Tim was being a bit selfish and extreme. Anyhow….
Thanks for your comment, Jules.
I’d love to hear more about why that resonates with you? From your experience, what does defensiveness do to the possibility for love and connection?
She can quit interrupting a guy doing a job–which she may have suggested–and more importantly a job which, if he screws up, means a trip to ER. I get that that’s too much to ask.
Of course, because men never interrupt women, ever!