Yes, you deserve to be loved. So what’s the hold up?
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I don’t want to write this because if I write this I admit that I have a problem.
I’m not a drinker or drug addict, that is not my problem. Though I used to work in a residential treatment facility, so I know many nice recovered addicts.
Anyway, the point is, I have a problem.
When a man starts to get close to me, I freak out and I push him away. I do this in a variety of creative self-destructive ways. But this shit is getting old, and I (too) am getting older. I’m 36 years old and I don’t want to be alone forever. I need to stop pushing real men that like me away. This is sad sad sad. That is not an actual sentence and i don’t even care. That “I” wasn’t capitalized but I am too busy crying to go back and capitalize it.
What the hell is wrong with me? I must have relationship PTSD. I have regular PTSD, so it’s not surprising that I would have another form of PTSD.
I can’t do this anymore.
It’s not that simple though. I can’t just “stop pushing people away.” I need to figure out what I am so terrified of. In my mind I am ready for a partner. I want someone who will be there for me and love me. However, I am also (conversely) scared of the concept that someone out there could find me beautiful. WHAT IS THAT?
I want to stop asking “what the hell is wrong with me” and start asking “what is right with me?”
There is a lot right with me.
I don’t need to go down the list, but I am a wonderful person who deserves to be loved. I can remind myself of this every fucking day, but it’s not that simple. The key is, as I see it, I cannot intellectualize love. I can’t “figure it out” I have to go with the feeling and for a person with a lot of feelings and a non-stop brain this is so difficult. There is that expression “you have to go with the flow.” The only flow I go with is my period, which comes once every 28 days.
Men don’t think the way I do.
They are content with the unknown, it seems. Men don’t need to plan for the future and they seem to be okay with not knowing if there will be a future. The question “where is this going?” is a relationship murderer. Do you want to kill a potential relationship? I know what to do! Ask the guy where he thinks this connection is headed and he will run for the motherfucking hills. Trust me on this one, because I have tried this horrific relationship science experiment and it only ends badly.
Be in the moment.
Practice mindfulness relationship meditation and you’ll be just fine (except if you have chronic anxiety–then you’re fucked).
That’s my problem is that I cannot turn my brain off long enough to enjoy someone’s company. I’m sitting there thinking “where is this headed?”
Please understand that I know this is entirely my problem. It’s certainly not the guy’s issue. I am the one doing the pushing on the relationship playground. Still, it doesn’t make it easy. I know what the solution is–stop pushing men away. However, I have no idea how to get to that goal.
How do I sit here comfortable in the unknowingness?
I’m ready to go or am I?
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This essay originally appeared on Old School/New School Mom
Read Sarah Fader’s Emotionally Available column every week here on The Good Men Project!
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Meh..tell me something I don’t know…additionally, men are nuanced; asking “where is this going” not only trivializes the individual that IS each man, it also trivializes and generalizes women. I couldn’t care LESS where something goes; men with whom I have become involved are often the ones wanting to plans things far in advance of what I am comfortable with. That being said, I hear women echoing your thoughts verbatim, and I simply tell them, “Why not NOT date for a while?”
I, for one, prefer my time to myself.
I was in the same boat as you only with “good” guys, which is how I ended up also dating narcissistic jerks who abused me. This might sound strange, but for maybe three solid months I focused on what the fuck was going on with me, and here’s what I figured out: 1) I was a “bad girl”, party girl, etc. Not that I tried to be like that, but in the absence of a decent relationship that is generally what I turned to because it made me feel confident. However, giving myself that label not only gave me little… Read more »
Love this. About time someone got real about the reality of mental illness. Agree that the magic relationship annihilation question is “where is this going?”. Not that I can even guarantee that it will work out – but geez it’s kinda nice to know someone is in the your corner. Call me old fashioned but sharing your heart and bed with someone is still something special and private. But not in the fast lane of today’s dating game where the view seems to be I got love in front of me, but I’m going for hr illusive perfects. Like household… Read more »
I think what’s important is to be clear what you want, not be focused on what the guy wants. If you find a good time early in the dating to say what you’re after, I can assure you things will get clear really quickly. It sounds like you’re sitting back and waiting for the guy to define what is happening. I would attempt to be clear on what you want and say it upfront and explain you’re only interested in dating to assess the person for __, whatever your dream is. Men definitely respond well to that type of interaction.… Read more »