Kevin Griffin discusses his own evolution and growth into truly happy relationships.
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When I was about two years sober, my Twelve Step friends were passing around a cassette tape of Terry Gorski, a well-known addiction counselor and specialist in relapse prevention and codependency, speaking at a Twelve Step convention. On the tape, Gorski talked about addictive relationships and how to avoid them. He talked about the rush of meeting someone who really turned you on, and said that if that happened you should turn around and walk the other way, because inevitably this was the person who was going to set off all your addictive tendencies. And, while the sex would be great and you’d be madly, deeply in love for a little while, soon enough the relationship would degenerate into obsessiveness, clinging, and jealousy or a crushing breakup.
What he was saying resonated deeply with me. At thirty-seven years old, I’d followed those cravings and those rushes many times. In fact, as my sponsor told me at the time, my career was chasing women, not making music. That was a low blow, but not entirely inaccurate. I would have said conservatively that I’d been in love four or five times in my life, depending on how you defined being in love. Never had one of these relationships reached a state of equilibrium where I could imagine marriage or long-term commitment. In every one of these relationships, after the initial thrill wore off I’d slept with other women—usually when I was on the road with a band, which I was able to rationalize as not really “cheating,” a common musician’s dodge. And every time a relationship lasted more than six months and “falling in love” wore off, my engagement in the sexual element sank rapidly. True intimacy never really developed.
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Ironically, I have been crueler and more abusive to people I supposedly loved than to anyone else in my life. When alcohol and drugs were combined with immaturity, unreasonable expectations, and selfishness, my behavior, especially in my twenties, was despicable.
So, hearing Gorski say that you essentially shouldn’t base a relationship on sexual attraction, I was curious whom I was supposed to go out with. His answer: “boring people.” This line got a huge laugh from the convention audience. And it left me curious. What would that really mean?
I don’t think I’d ever felt that before—I’d always felt either turned on or turned off.
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I got the part about going out with people who triggered obsession. I knew that feeling well, and I understood, from painful experience, the futility of pursuing such obsessions. I was ready to try something different, which in the Twelve Step world is called “having willingness.” Step Six says, “We were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.” And, while I didn’t know about the God part, I understood about the readiness. I knew that I’d never been willing to get sober before I finally did, and I knew that I hadn’t been willing to try another approach to relationships until then. So I decided to try it Gorski’s way.
I began to take note of the types of attraction I felt for women I encountered. Gradually, I got a sense of what he was talking about when he said “boring people.” For me, it meant someone I liked, who I could imagine spending pleasant time with, who wasn’t unattractive to me, but who didn’t, as he said, set off bells in my head . . . or anywhere else. I tried going on a date with one or two people like this, and I had a good time. It was very interesting to actually enjoy an evening with a woman, have no sexual contact, and not feel that I necessarily wanted to date her again. It wasn’t that I disliked these women or wanted never to see them again; I just felt somewhat neutral. I don’t think I’d ever felt that before—I’d always felt either turned on or turned off.
There was one woman in my group of recovery friends who seemed to like me, though, again, I wasn’t particularly attracted to her. I just liked her. So I asked her out, and we had a good time. We started to date, and now the next part of Gorski’s guidelines became relevant: don’t sleep with someone until you know them pretty well. He suggested waiting a certain number of dates or a certain amount of time, something like a couple months. This idea was truly revolutionary for me.
For one thing, my lifestyle of playing in clubs six days a week had meant that I’d almost never actually dated in the conventional sense. I couldn’t, because my evenings were mostly filled with work. But now that I was working a day job, I could go out on a weekend evening, not just hook up with someone after a gig. So it felt pleasantly odd to do this normal thing. And then to end a date with just a kiss was odder yet. In the past, if I didn’t sleep with someone after being with them once or twice, I figured they didn’t like me and there was no point in seeing them again. Now, though, as a new devotee of Gorski’s method, I was committed to the plan.
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Those weeks were interesting. As we dated, the woman and I became closer and closer, and I found myself becoming more attracted to her sexually. I’d never experienced anything like that. Normally, attraction had been either an on or off switch for me, but now the off switch was changing. When we did eventually sleep together, there was a difference, another level of intimacy I’d never really experienced before. Over time, instead of losing interest sexually, I found myself becoming more attracted to her. This had never happened to me before, either.
And what I’m saying is that for many addicts, normal, healthy intimacy is completely unfamiliar.
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We stayed together for two years, and for the first time in my life, I was able to sustain my interest in a woman, not cheat on her, and feel satisfied over a fairly long-term relationship. This was a huge breakthrough, and changed my life. I continued to apply these basic principles to my relationships, and eventually got married.
I’m talking about happiness here, happiness in relationships. And what I’m saying is that for many addicts, normal, healthy intimacy is completely unfamiliar. This means that, like our drinking and using, our dating needs to change as well. We have to be open to new ways of getting involved with people, and we need to make a commitment to change. Our old ways don’t and won’t work. For many addicts—and for this addict in particular—intimate relationships were at the heart of our recovery. If we don’t address our habitual ways of getting involved—romantically, emotionally, sexually—we will miss a big part of recovery. I’m not saying that you have to do it the “Gorski way,” but if you have a messy relationship history and addictive tendencies around your sexuality, you are going to have to try something significantly different. And, like the surprise of finding happiness without your drug of choice, I think you will be surprised by the happiness that comes from letting go of your old ideas and behaviors.
This very thought brings us back to the core principle of happiness from a Buddhist viewpoint: it comes from letting go, not from acquiring. Happiness in relationships doesn’t come from acquiring great sexual experiences; it comes from letting go of craving and grasping. This seems like a complete paradox, and I’d even say, a contradiction. It’s not that we can be involved with a lover without craving and grasping; it’s that if we place our desire for sexual pleasure, personal satisfaction, and control before the shared needs of the relationship, we lose the essence of intimacy. In any relationship, there are three elements that must be balanced: the two individuals’ needs and the needs of the relationship itself. The self-centered addict overemphasizes his or her own needs; the codependent overemphasizes the needs of the other. Finding a way to take care of ourselves and each other is the great challenge. Love is the guiding principle. And loving someone is not the wish to make them happy or you happy, but to be happy together.
Excerpted from Recovering Joy: A Mindful Life After Addiction by Kevin Griffin. Copyright © 2015 by Kevin Griffin. Published by Sounds True in June 2015.
Photo Credit: Kamal Zharif Kamaludin