Comedian Amy Dresner explains why the girlfriend title is so important, and why men should overcome the fear of assigning it.
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So I’ve been seeing this guy for 10 months.
It’s been a long road. He’s got some pseudo-PTSD from a past relationship and was adamant about wanting to be single and at peace with the fact that he’d die alone. But with love, superhuman stamina and patience, I broke him down.
♦◊♦
When I first told him I loved him he said, “Love’s stupid.”
“Not exactly the response I was hoping for but okay…,” I answered.
Of course, he finally he admitted he loved me too (which I knew all along, but it was nice to hear). Now we’ve lived together for months at a time when he’s in LA. I’ve met his parents, who ADORED me (I snowed those fuckers). We sleep intertwined all night every night. We market together, call each other babe and baby. We’re effectively in a “relationship.”
But when he introduces me to his friends I’m still just “Amy.”
♦◊♦
I recently dragged him to a film screening where a lot of our mutual comedy friends were going to be in attendance.
“Oh, it’s like our coming out party, “ he said, smiling.
To which I replied, “I guess… I’ll buy you a ballgown, bitch.”
We ran into a woman we both know who said, “It’s so cute to see you two together! I’m not putting any meaning on it, but I just wanna say it’s nice to see.”
“Yeah, we’re kicking it,” my guy said.
Kicking it? Kicking it?! I said nothing, but immediately went into a pouty girl-huff, which did not go unnoticed. When he asked me what was up I said, “I’m going to say this one time, and you can do with the information what you will. We are not ‘kicking it.’ We are in a relationship. And it really hurts my feelings when you don’t introduce me as your girlfriend. I feel like you’re ashamed of me or you don’t me want me to p*ssy block you.”
“I was totally joking, but I’m sorry. I hear you. I’ve never introduced anybody as my girlfriend. I hate that term. It freaks me out.”
“Well get over it,” I said. “I’m fucking rad,” I added lamely, tears welling.
He stroked my hair and kissed me. “Come. Let’s go to the after-party and I’ll be all over you.”
♦◊♦
Guys, let me explain something to you.
Yes, actions are more important than words. I care more that this guy holds me, loves me, fucks me and listens to me than if he didn’t do any of that but peppered me with compliments and/or drowned me in gifts.
But the title of “girlfriend” is important.
It’s not just about you taking ownership of me, although that’s part of it. One of the things I loved most about being married was “belonging” to somebody — and I don’t mean in some scary “you’re my property” kind of way. Calling a woman your girlfriend is a public demonstration of the seriousness of the relationship and your overall commitment to her. It’s you holding up a banner in the societal parade that says, “I’m WITH this person and I’m proud of it.”
And no, you don’t have to wear ass-less chaps or face paint and yell through a bull horn when you do it.
We women crave security.
As a divorcee, I know that nothing is guaranteed to last, and no words, blood pact or legally binding document can make it so. But women need some things to be concrete. We don’t do so well with the abstract. So if some guy is hitting on me and I say, “I’m seeing somebody,” to which he counters, “But is he your boyfriend?”
Ummm……
Gorgeous comedian Felicia Michaels explains it this way: “It’s just easier for us to tell our friends, ‘This is my boyfriend,’ [instead of saying,] ‘Whenever my custody schedule allows, this is the man I fuck in a non-committal way.’”
If you don’t introduce me as your “girlfriend,” all sorts of horrible thoughts run through my head.
Is he still shopping?
Does he think he can do better?
Does he wanna fuck other people?
Am I not hot enough for him to own publicly?
♦◊♦
I was once introduced as a guy’s “lady-friend,” which sounds like some obscure 1900’s term for a prostitute. But I’d take it over no title at all.
After years of meaningless and sometimes humiliating encounters (thanks Tinder!), being able to say “I have a boyfriend” telegraphs to other people — more importantly, to myself — that I finally have boundaries, self-esteem and integrity in my sexual and romantic life. Sure, it also says something about you overcoming your admitted commitment phobia and fully honoring our connection, but it is also a huge reflection of, for and on me.
So no ultimatum, just a request. If you love her, call her your girlfriend. It means more to us than you know.
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Photo by Jared Sluyter on Unsplash
I think it’s weird that you even need to have the conversation….I mean what age is he? 5?
Farewell man who doesn’t do girlfriend titles…never mind the shift (potentially) to wife.
This is comedy. Satire. Not advice. Please, deargodinheaven, do not take this as advice.
~ a girl who hates labels
Thats a chance you take when you give all of your mind and body to someone outside of marriage. That they will decide not to call you their girlfriend and will consider all that cuddling and meeting parents as “kicking it.” Forcing it not only collides with feminist values of pop culture, valuing that individual think for themselves, but makes you look like the bunny boiling scene in Fatal Attraction. #feminism #cakeandeatittoo
Damnit, another strong independent woman who don’t need a man………welling up in tears that she doesn’t get to be a “girlfriend” / “wife” to a fish that is better off out riding his bicycle. ?
Yet another woman who repeatedly forces us into situations we are not comfortable with because she thinks she knows what is good for us and what we need in our life. She ‘broke him down’ and then she goes around complaining about the things that make her uncomfortable. I’d be called a psycho, creep and what not if I did that to a woman but a woman doing that to a man is not just acceptable but appreciated enough to be on a website for men. Am I the only one who thinks that women who do this are deeply… Read more »
I agree with you. I’m a woman. Actually…it kind of sounds like the guy doesn’t really want to be in any relationship. And that it’s not personal to the writer that he’s standing back.
I always felt that women who introduced men who they were not married to or engaged to as their husbands was creepy and stalkerish. I’ve actually never been wrong. All those women had been stalkers. That might be part of where it’s coming from. I think for myself, I’d be reserved with the girlfriend label until I was sure she was my girlfriend. Not from my perspective necessarily, but from her’s. That could entail having a conversation and asking her if she wants to be exclusive. That could be just being exclusive for 6 months or more. I think too… Read more »
Being in an established relationship is about being able to communicate together basic wants and needs, to see and understand each other. However, remember the ones of us cast back out to sea come with a few scars of our own, and the title of girlfriend resides with the one we know we deserve to invest our energy into. So no, we’re not out shopping for something better, in fact just the opposite, we’re more worried that you are – at least in the head. So the smart one’s of us, the go arounds, we’re looking for kindness, and reciprocation.… Read more »
Its all about respect for the person. You’ve been with her or him for 10 months and still have word reservations. Seriously? I’d be done for the lack of respect for me. Not quite good enough for you. I could care care less about your road or whatever baggage you got. To stay days more about your lack of self respect than his/her. Can we be honest here? I choose to be with a person and respect her and him if I were gay with deep conviction. I CHOSE her for God’s sake. Otherwise I’m a mess because I’m using… Read more »
Men should… Men should… Men should… I broke him down. ^ This last bit says it all. No men “should” not do anything to suit other people – isn’t that the lesson we try to teach women every day? Why do not not get the same courtesy. If a man is not suitable for you and a relationship is not progressing in a way that you both want, instead of nagging him into conformity, why not talk to him? Ask him what he wants? It may seem like a radical notion, but you often achieve more with men by listening… Read more »
Thank you for putting this into words. I’ve been mulling over why being called someone’s girlfriend matters so much, and it isn’t that I need to claim him or mark my territory. It’s that I want him to like me so much that he wants to mark his. I’m also divorced, and during my separation my ex wrote me a letter. In it, he revealed that he never loved me. He loved another woman (the one he knocked up two months after me, who moved in as soon as I moved out) and I just really reminded him of her.… Read more »
Then again, guys often get slapped in the face or called out as creeps for wanting to commit, claiming someone as their girlfriend, or saying “I love you” too soon.
So, there’s really no say as to what guys “should do” on a general level, because you’ll always invent some way to publicly criticize him for it.