Harris O’Malley looks at the victims of abuse who are often ignored or even made fun of – men- and reminds reminds them that it is not their fault.
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Right off the bat: we’re going to be talking about abusive relationships. This is a subject that can be touchy for some people, so proceed with all caution.
So with all that said:
I write a lot about men behaving badly. In fact, I’m regularly accused – with some accuracy – of being much harder on men than I am on women. This is because, frankly, I want men to be better. I want masculinity to be something positive, not something toxic that mistakes violence for power, anger for strength, sex for value.
Sometimes that means talking about things men are doing wrong, so they can recognize it and do better.
Sometimes it means teaching men how to help themselves… even when the world tells them that they can’t.
Which is why I want to talk about a subject we don’t hear much about: when men find themselves trapped in abusive relationships.
In a lot of ways, men are frequently invisible victims of relationship abuse. When we think of abusive relationships, we often default to the idea of a woman as the victim with a man as the perpetrator. Rarely do we imagine men as the victims. To do so is almost comical – literally. The image of the angry housewife – usually fat and unattractive – waiting for at home for her milquetoast husband with curlers in her hair and a rolling pin, ready to dispense retributory violence for some slight, has been around for generations.
But despite the jokes and cartoons about “henpecked husbands”, more men than many would expect are trapped in abusive relationships. It spans the gamut of ages and ethnicities, of sexual orientations and gender identities.
So today I want to shed some light on the subject – as well as talk about how to recognize an abusive relationship and how to leave one.
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Male Victims In Abusive Relationships: Understudied, Severely Under-Reported.
In a lot of ways, men are frequently invisible victims of relationship abuse. When we think of abusive relationships, we often default to the idea of a woman as the victim; rarely do we imagine men. But male victims of domestic abuse and abusive relationships are more common than many people think. In fact, according to the Centers for Disease Control, up to 26% of homosexual men, 29% of straight men and 39% of bisexual men have reported being the victims of domestic violence. Even more men – up to 48% – experienced psychological and emotional abuse at the hands of their partners.
Men, after all, are taught that they’re not allowed to be victims… especially by someone perceived as being “weaker” than they are.
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But even these statistics are somewhat in question. It’s incredibly difficult – even more so than with women – to get accurate statistics on how many men have been abused by their partners. In fact, it can be difficult to get men to admit they’re in an abusive relationship in the first place.
Men, after all, are taught that they’re not allowed to be victims… especially by someone perceived as being “weaker” than they are. To be a “man” is to be strong; allowing a woman (or a “fag” – gay men, after all, are automatically seen as weak and “feminine” in traditional masculinity) to hurt you means that you clearly aren’t a man.
And if the abuse is emotional… what, are you letting some names bother you? Letting some woman bully you? Say mean things? Hurt your feelings? What are you, some kind of pussy?
It can be difficult for a man to find someone willing to believe that they’re a victim of abuse. The prevailing image of “man as aggressor” or “men are stronger” leads to the common belief that he’s somehow “earned” his abuse by provoking his abuser. Other times, they fear – with justification – being ignored or mocked for “allowing” their partner to hurt them. In the popular portrayal of the henpecked husband, the man is frequently shown as being a weakling who’s incapable of standing up to his wife and thus “earns” his abuse as punishment for being so weak and unmasculine.
All of this means that authorities are less likely to take reports of domestic violence with a male victim seriously. As is frequently the case with male victims of rape, male victims of domestic abuse are often told it’s “not that bad” or that they “must be ok with it”; after all, they could always defend themselves against the “little lady”, right?
And if the victim happens to be gay, bisexual or trans… well the authorities have frequently shown a lack of interest in getting involved at all.
“Why Doesn’t He Just Leave?”
In any abusive relationship, there will always be people who want to know: why don’t they just leave?
For men the answer to the question is often for the same reasons why women don’t.
To start with, it can be hard enough to admit you’re in an abusive relationship in the first place. Many men internalize the guilt of “letting” themselves be abused; they may believe that they “deserve it” or that they should be able to endure the pain because men are supposed to be able to take it. They may feel that the abuse is because they’ve failed – as a man, as a provider, as a father. They may believe that this is all they can get or that this is what relationships are like.
Sometimes there’s a religious component; that marriage is for life and leaving one’s spouse – no matter how bad things get – is a sin. Leaving one’s spouse would mean also being forced to leave the community – regardless of the circumstances.
Men in gay or bisexual relationships often have their orientation used against them. They may fear leaving because their partner could threaten to out them to coworkers or family. If the victim is young or inexperienced, the abuser may keep them around by telling him that leaving would be tantamount to admitting that same-sex relationships are inherently “deviant”. The abuser may have convinced their partner that they can’t leave because the authorities would never believe a gay man anyway.
Men may stay because they’re afraid of reprisals if they do try to leave. Often, when a victim of abuse tries to leave, the abuse will intensify, to punish them for trying to leave. While women are much less likely to stalk or murder a romantic partner than men are, it can happen and can be a valid fear. Similarly, gay men can find themselves at risk of a partner threatening their lives or stalking them if they leave.
Some may stay because they fear being accused of being the abuser rather than the victim. Many abusers are skilled manipulators and don’t hesitate to cast themselves as the victim and their partner as the real villain in the piece.
Other times, men may not leave because they fear for the safety of others. Many people stay in abusive relationships because they have no way of leaving without taking a beloved pet with them; the abusive partner may threaten them or take out their anger on the innocents they were forced to leave behind.
It gets even more complicated if there are children involved. Many men stay because they feel that they’re shielding their children from the abuse; if they left, then the abusive partner might turn their anger on the kids instead. Still more fear losing custody or contact with their children – obtaining custody can be difficult and there are no guarantees that even if he could gain custody that he could afford to raise them alone.
And – most perniciously – they may not be able to afford to leave. When you’ve been with someone for a long time, the odds are good that your finances are tightly entangled with theirs and it can be difficult to separate them enough to make a clean getaway. Other times, the abuser may restrict the victim’s finances in order to control them and prevent them from leaving.
If you’re not financially independent – and in this economy, many of us aren’t – then leaving an abusive relationship can mean finding yourself out in the world without anywhere to turn. There are very few resources out there for male victims of domestic abuse. Many domestic abuse hotlines are set up with women in mind and aren’t trained or prepared to handle issues involving male or LGBT victims of abuse. Similarly, the vast majority of shelters for victims of abuse are exclusively for women, leaving men who flee abusive relationships with few places to turn.
Signs Of An Abusive Relationship
It can be difficult for men to recognize when they’re in an abusive relationship. We tend to think of “abuse” as physical violence – slapping, kicking or striking one’s partner, throwing them into walls and the like. But not every abusive relationship is quite so obvious – especially when the victim is a man.
Emotional abuse is the most common form of abusive relationships – and it’s often hard to detect because it is so rarely overt. An abuser may:
- Insult you or humiliate you, especially in front of your friends and colleagues
- Belittle you, minimize your accomplishments and repeatedly tell you that you’re worthless or a failure
- Tell you that their abusive behavior is your fault
- Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful or require you to “prove” you’re not cheating on them
- Keep constant tabs on you, demanding that you check in with them regularly. They may also monitor where you go and with whom
- Isolate you from your friends and family
- Accuse your friends and family of lying in order to “drive you apart”
- Restrict your access to money or finances
- Use or deny sex and intimacy as a form of control
- Snoop through your emails, texts, instant messages, phone calls and social media profiles
- Hide your keys or your phone to keep you from seeking out help
- Use false accusations (or the threat of accusations) of abuse to keep you in line
On average, men are larger and stronger than women – as a result, female abusers are less likely to physically abuse a male partner. This doesn’t mean that she won’t. Because of the size and strength difference, women who are physically abusive are more likely to threaten with a weapon like a knife or a household object. Other times they may strike their victims while they sleep or are incapacitated or catch them by surprise. They may throw things, especially breakables like dishes and glassware.
But physical abuse doesn’t just include overt violence. Other forms of physical abuse can include:
- Physically isolating or abandoning you
- Restricting access to medication you need
- Preventing you from sleeping
- Intimidating you through threats to others including pets
- Pinching, spitting on and slapping you
- Driving in a threatening manner, including speeding or threatening to run off the road or into obstacles
It’s important to note that rape is also a frequent tool for abuse in relationships. Men – gay, bi and straight – can be raped by their partners. This doesn’t just mean being forcibly penetrated – being forced into sex against your will is still rape. Just because you have an erection doesn’t mean that you “really want it” and being coerced or abused doesn’t mean that you won’t get an erection. In fact, many abusers will use the presence of an erection as proof that this is what you “really want”, regardless of whether you consent or not, just as they might use a woman’s vaginal lubrication as “proof” that she wants it.
What Can You Do When You’re In An Abusive Relationship?
The first and most important part of leaving an abusive relationship is to realize this fact:
This Is NOT Your Fault.
Repeat this to yourself over and over again. It is not your fault that you’re being abused. You did not cause this, you do not deserve this and this is not because you can or should do “better”. You are being abused. You are not a failure. You are not weak. And – importantly – you are not alone.
If at all possible – leave. Get out of the house, go somewhere safe and find a place where you can stay. If you can’t leave or you’re staying to protect children, siblings or pets, call the police.
Whatever you do, do not retaliate against your abuser. I can’t emphasize this enough – fighting back or using force to escape will only make things worse. This will allow your abuser – especially if she’s a woman – to claim that they’re the victim. As a result, the odds are much higher that you will be the one arrested or forced to leave if the police get called.
If you’re in an abusive relationship, then one thing you want to do is to document the abuse – especially if it’s physical. Keep a journal of your abuse; record all instances of abusive behavior, with dates, times and as much detail as possible. If there are witnesses, try to include their names and contact information. If at all possible, get video or photographic evidence, especially documenting any injuries. If at all possible, get a doctor to document them and keep copies of all records.
Important: medical personnel are not likely to ask a man if he’s being abused or is a victim of domestic abuse and are thus less likely to photograph or document your injuries. It’s on you to make sure that photographic records are taken.
Equally important: keep this evidence safe. If at all possible, you want to have multiple copies, especially if you can stash them out of the house and in a place where your abuser can’t easily access them. This may be with a friend or in a privately rented safety deposit box. If you’re keeping digital records, consider offsite digital storage like a private Dropbox account or other cloud-storage solutions. Be sure to password protect any and all files as well as your storage solutions. To make doubly sure of your security and safety, you may only want to access these files from computers outside your home. Many abusers will go through their victims’ computers, social media profiles and email to keep track of them; using outside computers makes it harder for them to track the websites and programs you’ve been accessing.
Prep a go-bag if possible – keep an emergency stash of cash, a cellphone, your ID (driver’s license and passport) and copies of your evidence of abuse stashed somewhere safe, preferably at a trusted friend’s house. You may have to leave without warning or time to prepare.
Whether you leave or stay, call a domestic abuse hotline for advice and help. They can help you find resources for filing restraining orders, obtaining counseling and many other issues involved in escaping and recovering from abusive relationships.
This Is NOT Your Fault.
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When you do leave, it’s important to get support whether that support is your family, friends or a domestic abuse support group. You want to surround yourself with people who are going to love, comfort and support you and help you recover. It can also be incredibly helpful to get counseling to help overcome the pain, guilt and shame that result from being in an abusive relationship. If you can’t afford traditional therapy, I have a list of low-cost (or even free) therapy and counseling options here.
And again: it is not your fault.
Resources For Victims of Domestic Abuse:
The National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women: 1-888-743-5754
Love Is Respect.Org: 1-866-331-9474
The National Domestic Abuse Hotline, StopRelationshipAbuse.org, Love Is Respect and RAINN have a number of links and phone numbers with information for people suffering in abusive relationships, including resources specifically for LGBTQ issues.
If you have other resources for male victims of domestic abuse or abusive relationships – especially ones for gay or trans men and non-US based groups – please share them in the comments.
(Please Note: I am not including the ManKind Initiative or links to the group because – frankly – I’ve seen enough to make me mistrust them.)
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Originally appeared at Paging Dr. NerdLove
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Lead photo: FLickr/Sara
Second photo courtesy of the original publishing site.
Can you please release my comment after reviewing it. Ugh, this is happening all too often. Don’t you guys track your regular readers’ email addresses and names. I post by the same name and e-mail address but you keep misperceiving it as spam. It’s beginning to get a tad annoying. I didn’t save or copy my comment so if you guys don’t release it, it will just vanish into thin air.
This seems to be a common problem for all. Regarding your comment. It’s true to a certain extent. However I feel (and i maybe wrong) that boys process feelings different to girls. To my best education (self done) boys will only discuss/confront emotions and feelings if they see it being productive. If they can’t derive that talking about it will fix anything then they won’t talk about it. The troubled boys I come across don’t/won’t talk about feelings etc because they can’t see how it will solve their troubles (and when they are talking to me the are probably quite… Read more »
“I want masculinity to be something positive, not something toxic that mistakes violence for power, anger for strength, sex for value .” Then stop raising boys to be unable to express their feelings and shaming them for “violating” even an inch of the “man code.” You raise boys to mistake violence for power, anger for strength, sex (with the opposite gender) for value, yet you are surprised with the expected results when they grow up. Give boys the same freedom you give girls. You don’t put your daughter in a “woman box” and shame her for not “woman-ing-up” so quit… Read more »
John, I can always rely on you to bring accurate education to these issues.
On another note,I’m glad to see that this article is again on the front page of GMP.
The problem is under VAWA men are legally barred from receiving STOP assistance and the only funds specifically earmarked men assumes men are the abusers. “STOP Violence Against Women Formula Grant Program, awarded to states and territories, enhances the capacity of local communities to develop and strengthen effective law enforcement and prosecution strategies to combat violent crimes against women and to develop and strengthen victim services in cases involving violent crimes against women. Each state and territory must allocate 25 percent for law enforcement, 25 percent for prosecutors, 30 percent for victim services (of which at least 10 percent must… Read more »
There was a TV show years ago called “The Naked City” and it started of with “There are a million stories in the Naked City and this is just one of them.” And as shown by this article and some responses, there are many untold stories.
Yes, this is very interesting. I have a story that falls directly in line with this topic. When I was in the military, I was married to an Japanese national. We had a falling out and she attacked me. Domestic violence and battery were filled against her. Later they were dropped by the DA. However, because I was in the military I was held accountable for what my ex-wife had done! I had to go for 36 weeks of domestic violence and parenting training. Then, child protection services decided that I had caused emotional harm to my son because of… Read more »
Wow Michael, sorry to hear about your situation. What else can I say? It’s happening all over the place and nothing is being done.
Please help me to understand this about GMP. Why does GMP continue to run articles having to do with this subject? In my experience with GMP, it feels as though this aspect of the subject doesn’t/hasn’t gotten nearly the play that the other, more important abuse gets. Why are these two competing? It would seem prudent to ask this question. Why do we never simply ask why so much abuse happens, regardless of gender? Which would mean that we were actually discussing abuse.
Hi Ogwriter, hope all is well with you. I understand what you’re saying but I believe that abused males don’t get the play they should. Most articles about abuse is generally men abusing women where abused men is no more then an after thought or a mere mention. You’re right, abuse is abuse but the lines were drawn a long time ago that male on female abuse takes priority. A simple but real example was the years of effort to have VAWA language changed to be all inclusive to include both genders. You should cut and past your response to… Read more »
Great article, and totally important. If there’s any voting system on GMP, please count me down for a YES vote on having more articles like this one.
I second that vote ….. but you and I know it won’t happen.
So much anger… I just don’t know what I’m going to do if I find myself in yet another situation like this. With no one to help or even care. I have a feeling that my breaking point is coming, and I’m not sure if I will be able to stop myself from doing something drastic.
I believe that many abusive women (and men) have personality disorders. My son’s ex-wife was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. She was physically and mentally abusive and luckily my son was able to escape and he now has custody of his 3 children. His ex continues to cause havoc every other weekend when she gets to see the children, but they get to come home to a loving, abusive-free home.
I tend to agree with you but the difference between men and women who abuse is that the men get thrown in jail,fines are given beyond jail time and they’re thrown out of the house. In the case of women, as shown in an earlier response, HE had to leave. Society appears to have great empathy for women who abuse …. the proverbial “the man deserves it be cause he’s more then likely an abuser himself. And Kay, I’m sure your son, as the abused, has not had an easy time of it.I’m sure he’s had to overcome obstacles that… Read more »
GMP has a header “Social Justice” where there are countless articles relating to “gay” rights. GMP also offers many other articles under other headers as well. If ya want to talk about “social justice” or in the case of abused men “injustice,” why aren’t there continuous articles published like this one? As John states “This denial is the whole reason men are invisible.” Which again leads me to state that GMP is a feminist site and that MRM’s are more suited for men.
Which leads me to one more thought. Studies show that abuse in gay relationships mirror that of straight relationships. Perhaps the gay movement can make some waves and ask why there are no shelters for gay men?
Where is the outcry GMP readers?????
Yeah this is startling. For every article that is sypathetic to the plight of women there are hoards of women who run in to ‘say thankyou’ yet for this, where men have shown in the comments section a small look into what men suffer there is none. And women who are apparently so compassionate are strangley absent from the conversation.
They’re not commenting because it doesn’t confirm their beliefs. It’s easy to put a sycophantic ‘thank you’ or ‘This’ after a post that fits your narrative but if that’s all a person ever does to contribute they’re going to have no way of bringing something to an article like this. In short they ignore it.
I’m just going to leave this link.
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/woman-killed-ex-husband-convicted-kill-son-gun-article-1.1767877
Hey John, I read the article …. tell me that “she:” didn’t brain wash her son. He’s a prime example of what some women do when they raise their sons.
@ Tom Brechlin
Did you read this one. What I found interesting about this one was that it was women who pulled the women off the guy. There had to be men around as well. I wonder if women have ore “license” to interfere when a woman attacks a man. Kind of gives a new twist to this chivalry non-sensed what men “owe” women.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2652681/The-Carnage-pub-crawl-girls-attacked-homeless-man-telling-f-job-Shocking-footage-streets.html
the thing that strikes me is the obvious denial of men-as-victims in the domestic violence awareness community. This denial is the whole reason men are invisible. For example the Canadian Women’s Federation states without citation) “men tend to over-estimate their partner’s violence while under-estimating their own”. there is an obvious war over information and awareness happening.
http://www.canadianwomen.org/facts-about-violence#MALES
So.. the CWF implies that men are more likely to report than women. http://www.canadianwomen.org/facts-about-violence#MALES Totally false.
I guess Canada has a long way to go …. “Earl Silverman, the owner of Canada’s only shelter for male victims of domestic abuse, killed himself Friday, according to several media reports. Silverman was found hanging in the garage of his own home in northeast Calgary, where he had run the Men’s Alternative Safe House (MASH). He had just sold the property because he could no longer afford to operate the shelter, The National Post reports. He had paid for the shelter out of his own pocket, but could not raise enough money from either government or private donations, reports… Read more »
I was in a emotionally abusive relationship that turned physical when i made a stand and cut the money off. The first time she was violent i didn’t even defend myself and i caved in. I told a friend of mine about it but was stuck in the mindset i was just as guilty in it all and that the relationship could be saved. The second time she was violent i defended myself without striking back and left afew bruises on her and she dislocated one of her fingers when she punched my in the elbow. She left the house… Read more »
Henry and Harris, I am tired of reading articles like these. I am tired of reading stories like Henry’s that bring up all kinds of emotions. I am tired of seeing the advice to call help lines that don’t know how to help. I am tired of the CDC statistics being swept under the rug. I am tired of the denial, like the opinion piece by Ms. Bahre in the New York Times over last weekend, which was wrong at so many levels and yet published in the NYT. I grew up in a house like this and it was… Read more »
The accuracy of this is chilling. I recently left an 18 year marriage that had turned abusive a number of years ago. When the last assault occurred on the day I left, when I reported it to the local police, along with video, witnesses, and an admission from my wife, they looked at me and said, ” Well 4 of the 5 children are with you, what more do you want from us? Go to a hotel or find you and the kids someplace else to stay and quit harassing her.”
Good gosh Joe, I wish I could say that I’m surprised but I’m not. As an abused “male,” you get to go to a hotel or someones house. As with millions of men (some with and some without children) like you, have no shelters available to you.
The rights of men are very much being denied and there is nothing being done about it. Oh wait … I forgot, you’re “privileged.”
Nonetheless, I’m sorry for what you and your kids have had to endure, hang in there.
“Keep constant tabs on you…demanding that you check in with them regularly…”
I saw this behavior in abusive relationship involving some close friends of ours…when one spouse was getting ready to leave, the other spouse called literally every 5 minutes…it made me think of someone I knew a long time ago…and it was haunting…to see someone you thought you knew turn into some crazy, obsessed demon….
Frightening to see this up close…
Another thing to mention is avoid contact with the other party for a significant amount of time after leaving. It is very easy to get sucked back either by promises or threats. Many abusive people I have known (first hand and second hand) can’t stand loosing the abusee and will try very hard to get them to come back. It’s likely you will also be influenced by doubt, guilt, fear and a host of other strong emotions that cloud your judgement and make you susceptible to further manipulation. Cut off all contact if possible and avoid face to face or… Read more »
Such a great point.