A woman wonders if her boyfriend is too focused on her orgasms.
Originally appeared at She Said He Said
Second, what do you think about touching yourself during sex? If you haven’t yet, I strongly encourage you to do so. It’s easiest when you’re on top, and then you can also make it into a little show for him. If you want, guide his hand exactly where you want it, and help him make you orgasm. If you need a little lubricant for this, go for it.
Third, experiment with positions and fun stuff to help you get there. You don’t need to tell your boyfriend why you’re doing the double-scissor squeeze (I just made that up, but it sounds fun, right?), just tell him you’re looking for variety. When you find that amazing spot, tell him, and then try to relax into it. Try to send all your focus to the sensation, and breathe. Another trick is to squeeze those pelvic floor muscles when he pulls out, then breathe and relax when he pushes back in (you know- the Kegels).
If you still don’t get there, cool, go back to your sex-istentialism. But let’s not give up so soon, alright?
He Said: So he’s a giving lover, concerned with your pleasure, and doesn’t want to orgasm until you do? I’m still searching for the problem here. Just kidding – I get it (I think). So he’s overly obsessed with your orgasms, while you are happy and content in simply sharing the experience together. This can be cleared up with a simple conversation. Let him know that he doesn’t have to worry so much, and that you’re having a wonderful time with him, regardless of how much (or little) you orgasm.
You can also let your body do the talking, and focus your attention on his pleasures. Show him how satisfied you can be in satisfying him. I’m sure you can find ways to persuade him. It’s nice that you recognize your boyfriend’s generosity. You sound very understanding as well. Just make sure you don’t short-change yourself. Don’t give up on the possibility of you having a good, strong orgasm with your man (and don’t forfeit your right to have one, if you so desire).
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About She Said He Said
It can be very anxiety provoking when a man starts focusing too much on trying to give his female partner an orgasm. This is often why women start faking. He needs to relax and if she is getting stressed out by the attention, let it go. The more it becomes an “issue,” the less likely it will happen. Most women don’t get orgasms from vaginal stimulation alone, so shouldn’t feel bad if they need direct clitoral stimulation. Some women don’t always (or ever) have strong orgasms, but they are still satisfied.
Maybe, since the young woman claims her boyfriend is also “somewhat inexperienced”, he’s going on what he’s read somewhere. Everywhere you look, there’s some ‘Sexpert Phd’ with a book detailing how to make woman orgasm. Even magazines like Mens’ Health (Otherwise known as Ms. for Men) constantly have articles on “How to Give Her a Mind Blowing Orgasm”. Maybe if these ‘Experts’ stop treating sex like an Olympic Sport, young people today will learn the secrets of romance and how to ‘Make Love’ instead of having ‘Hot Sex’!
Bobbt — I agree with you!
…Maybe if these ‘Experts’ stop treating sex like an Olympic Sport, young people today will learn the secrets of romance and how to ‘Make Love’ instead of having ‘Hot Sex’!
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I don’t really have strong/good vaginal orgasms (so far) but he doesn’t want to orgasm until I do and frankly I don’t really care about orgasming, I’m more of an existentialist when it comes to sex. I’ve told him this. But he still insists!
Sounds like he has bought into the idea that if he doesn’t give a one of those mind blowing orgasms (that bobbt is talking about) then its a sign that he is not meeting her needs. And chances are he thinks that her insisting that its not all about having an orgasm that suddenly has her talking in languages she never knew is being interpreted as, “You’re not giving me what I want but what you do is okay.”
And it doesn’t help that instead of recognizing this as a a pretty brainwashing that guys go through people are so quick to just accuse him of making it all about him when its not that simple.
He needs to be deprogrammed.
bobbt:
Maybe if these ‘Experts’ stop treating sex like an Olympic Sport, young people today will learn the secrets of romance and how to ‘Make Love’ instead of having ‘Hot Sex’!
And heaven forbid that for some people “make love” actually does mean “hot sex”.
Danny, if ‘making love’ climaxes in ‘Hot Sex’, all the better! These two kids sound like their just starting out. They should get to intimitely know each other, explore each other, enjoy each other. If it’s right and they’re compatable, it’ll happen. Then you can explore all these ‘Optional Techniques’. Take it slow and enjoy the trip!
All the young man needs to remember “First with the Kisser, than with the Pisser”. Works every time!
Danny, if ‘making love’ climaxes in ‘Hot Sex’, all the better!
Agreed. It can be hard for some to see that sometimes ‘making love’ is the same thing as ‘HOT SEX!’ but not always. Some people want it in a way that leaves them semi-comatose and talking like the Oracle of Delphi but some folks just want to have a good moment then relax.
All the young man needs to remember “First with the Kisser, than with the Pisser”. Works every time!
Where I’m from that translates into, “You’ve got to lick, before you stick it!!!”
Yeah Danny LOL!! Got to remember that one!
Bear in mind not to “lick it” too much. Last time I did that I never got to the “stick it” part.
Oh no Danny! Once you get her off with the tounge (little O) you immediately ‘Stick it’. Give her quick short strokes (1/2- 3/4) and soon she’ll have a vaginal orgasm (BIG O). Drives them WILD!
I generally agree with everything said so far, but I want to speak on behalf of the boyfriend here, because I’ve been in a similar position. I can’t exactly what his experience is, but there are some things that have been left out so far.
He may not be “programmed” to be obsessed with her pleasure, like he’s putting pressure on himself to do things just right. This may have very little to do with magazines or inexperience or some sort of egotistical obsession or any sense of responsibility. For many men, it is simply more exciting when your partner has an orgasm. It’s very thrilling for many men, and it makes his own pleasure even better. A woman having an orgasm is a very common part of straight male sexual fantasy. (It is probably the single most universal thing in porn, so something about it is pretty exciting to a lot of men.) It’s not simply selfishness, any more than any other fantasy is selfish. He gets pleasure from the idea that he’s pleasuring you. That’s not a bad thing. And, as far as fantasies go, it’s on the generous and do-able side of things.
You need to talk to him about your experience and tell him where you see your orgasms fitting into your enjoyment of sex with him. Maybe he’s been misled and lacks experience, but he’s erring on the side of trying to give you pleasure, so you’ve got a lot to work with. The alternative, him not caring at all, is much worse. I’m guessing that women of your grandmother’s generation would think you’ve won the lottery….
Don’t let anyone tell you that there is ONE thing that works every time, because everyone is a little different. If that universal never-fails thing doesn’t quite do it, then you’ll think there’s something wrong with you, when there isn’t. Experiment and see what works and what doesn’t.
If this young man has done any reading at all, he has read hundreds of times that the man is responsible for her pleasure and orgasm(s) as well as his own. And she is responsible for showing up and laying there so that he can give her as many orgasms as she can stand, proving his worth as lover and his concern for her. Proving that he is not one of those selfish men.
If he ever has an one without giving several or at the very least one mind blower, that proves that he is a selfish human being. That is the message that has been pressed up against his frontal lobe hundreds or thousands of times.
Eric, your interpretation ignores the history of sex and gender in western society. Back in the day women were expected to just lay there, because they weren’t expected to get any pleasure. Sex was dirty and it was for reproduction…and the point of it was for a man to ejaculate into a woman. The pressure was on a woman to please a man, completely. Then, lo and behold, a few people figure out that women can orgasm too; Kinsey publishes his book…and then sexual liberation…and hey let’s BOTH orgasm.
Unfortunately, a few of the old ideas stuck around. Experimentation and anything beyond missionary is still considered too exotic for a lot of people…so the woman ends up lying there, not knowing what to do. Because, as everyone knows, only dirty, pornographic women writhe around like that…not good girls. Plus, the idea that it’s the responsibility of either party to ‘provide’ an orgasm stuck around, which is problematic. It’s not the responsibility of either person to ‘give’ their partner an orgasm.
I think in the West there’s actually been a split personality when it comes to female sexual pleasure. It’s been suppressed, ignored, seen as an enemy, idealized, and rediscovered, sometimes all at the same time. It’s like western culture can’t quite make up its mind, or can’t quite put it all in one category. Or, like any other neurosis you can love something and hate something and ignore it and obsess over it all at once.
In Victorian times, Queen Victoria’s advice to women on their wedding night was to “close your eyes and think of England.” Meanwhile, there was an emerging theory in the nineteenth century that a woman’s orgasm was necessary for conception – she couldn’t get pregnant from intercourse unless she had an orgasm during that intercourse. (The bizarre theory was that the cervix opened during her orgasm, allowing the sperm to get to the egg. The corollary was that a woman’s pleasure was to some degree necessary for the reproduction of the species.) And, meanwhile, doctors were treating women for hysteria using vibrators, one of the first handheld electric-powered medical instruments ever invented.
Back in the European Middle Ages, you can find widely read memoirs of nuns talking about the ecstasy they felt during moments of spiritual communion with God. It’s hard not to read these today and see a remarkable similarity to sexual orgasm. When they said they were married to Jesus, well…. This was the height of female spirituality, in a way.
“Eric, your interpretation ignores the history of sex and gender in western society. Back in the day women were expected to just lay there, because they weren’t expected to get any pleasure.”
That was a very long time ago. This is 2012 not 1922; we all know women can and should enjoy sex. We’ve know that for many decades now. This young man’s views mirror precisely what I explained to you.
“Plus, the idea that it’s the responsibility of either party to ‘provide’ an orgasm stuck around, which is problematic. It’s not the responsibility of either person to ‘give’ their partner an orgasm”
That runs contrary to just about everything that he has read, no doubt. It’s his job to give to her and her job to receive from him intercourse. I am just trying to help you understand why this young man is so focused on her orgasm.
How often have we heard about the horribly selfish male lover having his orgasm via intercourse and then going off to sleep, leaving her without one – as if it is his job to deliver hers and his too? When do you ever hear about a woman being a bad lover because she didn’t give him an orgasm? You don’t. Ever.
I am not arguing as to what the message should be, rather what it is, explaining why he is so focused on her pleasure. He probably doesn’t read Cosmo. He is trying to do the right thing, based on what he has been told.
Heather, the history of sex isn’t really all that relevant to the issue here. Perhaps her lover is not the typical male, but lets for a moment assume that he is. If so, he has been brainwashed into thinking that sex is about him giving her orgasms. You can rail against the machine all you like, that doesn’t change the fact that men are socialized to believe this in today’s Western world. And that is what this woman is fighting against.
There is only one cure for this, IMHO, and that is for her to take charge. She doesn’t want his focus on something, she has to take his focus away from it. So work on him, then. If she puts his dick in her mouth and works on his orgasm, he isn’t going to stop her and say “No, no no! You first!”
That said, they both are neophyte lovers. They both have lots of nooks and crannies of pleasure to discover. Some women take a long time and lot of different lovers, and a lot of self-love, to discover their own orgasms and how best to achieve them. They should take some time and explore, and make it fun. She shouldn’t sit back and make him take control, because if she does, she’s perpetuating the social brainwashing that it’s his job to make her pleasure – she’s just saying that her pleasure isn’t necessarily her orgasm, but that he’s still responsible for it.
I think if you read any reputable sex advice, you will
read over and over again that a man can’t “give” an orgasm. of course techniques
and patience and understanding count. but ultimately whether a woman
has an orgasm or not is something that happens between her ears.
However you want to frame it, as men, we are told that it’s our job to make sure she has at least one if not more. Those of who’ve been round the block can process this but not all youngsters can right away.
Who is telling you that? Men’s magazines and websites like Askmen? That’s as bad as getting sex advice from Cosmo. If you read any good sex book, or articles by sex therapists, you will get a totally different story.
We are all brainwashed a little from the mass media. Gotta fight it!
We’re definitely told that “All men good at sex give women an orgasm” and that creates a confidence issue, if we can’t give our partner an orgasm we’re not a man (obviously not true)! It also stems from misunderstanding. Since, for men, sex isn’t satisfying without and orgasm, we don’t understand how women can be satisfied without one.
I disagree, I’ve never met a woman who my tongue could not satisfy, but I’ve met quite a few who were not as willing to reciprocate.
I mean…has anyone here ever read cosmo?
I only look at the pictures… : – )
I checked out the online version one time out of curiousity. They had some tips for women that would work for me. Thing is, their one of the very few publications that do that. Like I said before , if you read Mens Health , all the sex articles are how to please a woman. If you look at its’ sister publication, Womans health, all the sex articles are telling women how they can get more pleasure for themselves (“Get Yours , How to be a Pleasure Hog!) They never mention pleasing a man. They obviously feel that just being involved is pleasureable enough for a man!
Right. Most popularly read writings on the subject for men and women are in sync (and have been for many years) – it’s about him giving it and her getting it.
Not true, Eric M. When I first started having sex, despite being ashamed to do so, I’d buy Cosmos every month, and pored over the sex articles (because I was nervous that I’d be a bad lover). 90% of the tips were ways to give your man more pleasure, whether the tips were good or not.
If you read my comment, you will see that I concurred with bobbbt. He noted that Cosmo is an exception. Based on the covers I have seen at the grocery store I would have to agree with you and him re: Cosmo.
My concurrence was mainly regarding his comments re: “Men’s” and “Women’s Health” magazines, and similar journals that are generally taken far more seriously than rags like Cosmo.
I may be going out on a limb here, but as a woman, especialy as a young woman, it often feels (rightly or wrongly) like you don’t have to work very hard to give a man pleasure. Men as a rule seem really, really good at getting their own pleasure from sex, no matter what we do, often way more pleasure than the woman feels like she is getting (if you read surveys). Learning how to experience pleasure ourselves is often the greater challenge. I think if women think about “how can I do more to please man,stew think about sexy clothes, or stress about our breast size or weight, or consider shaving/waxing, or maybe we might think about blow job techniques. I think that’s why a lot of women’s magazines focus on female pleasure. I don’t think it’s selfishness, it’s just lack of awareness that men might want more than a woman with a sexy body who enjoys sex and is able to give an adequate BJ. If men want more than that, they should speak up about it….
Sorry for typos, iPad
“I think if women think about “how can I do more to please man,stew think about sexy clothes, or stress about our breast size or weight, or consider shaving/waxing, or maybe we might think about blow job techniques.”
Sarah–I’m right there with you, and it took me a lot of nerves and time to try to get over worrying about that kind of thing and be able to enjoy my own pleasure, which in turn, led to better sex for both parties. I used stew about these things too at first–bj techniques, not missing a spot when it came to shaving, am I bloated, what if I’m close to my period, should I douche, what kind of underwear, what positions does he like, did I keep up with my pill, my makeup will smear and he’ll think I’m gross, what if I’m unable to orgasm tonight, how should I moan–it seemed like the man just got to hang out and enjoy the sex.
Ladies, what you don’t realize is that we aren’t that hard to please in bed. most of the time ,it’s the fact that you’re making an effort to please us as opposed to what you’re actually doing that turns us on. It’s like “wow, she really cares about my pleasure” as opposed to”she’s laying there waiting for me to get her off”.
How odd that I was taught that my orgasm was my responsibility and that I needed to communicate to my partners how my body worked and I should ask him about his.
Odd indeed because at the same time (or close to because I don’t think you’re that much older than I am) I was taught that its my responsibility to make sure a woman had some mind altering orgasm that would make her hear colors for following hour.
And how I saw so many articles about mind blowing tricks and positions I could try so that my lover’s pleasure would be outstanding (Cosmo primarily, but other mags as well). And how many episodes of shows like SATC I saw where women talked about their oral technique and how to please their lovers.
Likewise I’ve seen articles about what exactly I need to do to set her off. And of course this was all done under the premise that sexual prowess is a defining feature of being a man. Oh and asking? Well that’s just an admission that one is not a real man, because “real men” already know how to handle the business. (I think this plays into why a woman’s viginity is regarded as a treasure and a man’s virginity is regarded as a curse.)
But hell if I can just ask for directions I’ll remember that the next time I’m in a sexual situation.
I like wellokaythen’s idea of it being a “split personality”. There are messed things going on on both sides of the sexual equation here. Men and women have been fed bad info. I guess the goal now is to help everyone out so that we can all be happy together.
Sure seems like it. Like the magazine industry and media had a couple drinks and said, “I know! Let’s feed folks opposing information and then laugh when they are all miserable.”
Asking for directions isn’t just manly, it’s the best way to never have to ask again. And as for her? She should be confirming the path you are on, not just lying there. How foolish of a woman, if they do that.
Julie, there’s a difference between two experienced people ‘hooking up’ for the night and two young , somewhat inexperienced people trying to have something that will last. Look, I’m older than all of you so I had ZERO sex ed. in school. Not a word, not a peep. I was truly on my own.(It wasn’t until high school that I knew girls had pubic hair!). The one piece of advise I got from an ‘older guy’(about a year or two) was “Remember, soft and slow” turned out to be golden! There wasn’t a glut of written advise either. Looking back though, I think that didn’t necessaraly hurt. It just made it so I had to explore and discover on my own. My wife, (then girlfriend) was the first woman I HELPED bring to an orgasm. It was for me , one of the most awsome feelings! 36 years later , whe’re still doing it for each other!
right on!
It’s not me. It’s men in general. It’s all over. Has been this way for many years.
I’m younger. Did not grow up in a sexually progressive area (very rural and at that time without much mass media influence). I have to say the men in this area have the engrained belief that if the female orgasms it is their responsibility. Women are brought up not discussing how to embrace their own orgasm. So you end up with men who either don’t care or who care too much and women who tend to be more of a lay there sort of person (because, after all sex is dirty). It wasn’t until I went away and learned those crazy ideas about masturbation and owning my orgasm that I really started to figure out this sexuality thing but honestly not many people leave this area.
So I have to agree with Eric. It’s not him. I can be men in general and it doesn’t always have to be rooted in mass media. Rather mass media sometimes reinforces underlying beliefs.
For the original question. I don’t get off from vaginal stimulation. It just doesn’t do it for me. I am typically very open with people I’m with and explain if an orgasm is going to occur it is going to be with hands or mouths. I don’t need one all the time and sometimes I really need to have one but it’s about communicating with your partner. It’s also about listening to him communicate. Some men really get turned on when women get off. I’ve been with some like that and it makes sense to me because I get really turned on when a guy gets off. Take that out of the equation for me and I might not be fully sexually satisfied. At the end of the day I think this entire problem can come down to some good old fashioned honest talking between partners.
“Some men really get turned on when women get off.”
Too right. I’m guessing most men attracted to women feel that way. I’d say most men who might be obsessed with your orgasm are interested because it turns them on. Not because it’s just ego or cultural programming or a sense of accomplishment. It makes the sex even better for him when you have one.
That doesn’t mean you have to have one. Just saying that he probably looks forward to it for no other reason than he enjoys it too.
Yep, I find the best sex is sex where my partner is clearly feeling a lot of pleasure
).
@Kat:
You may have already tried this, but here goes. My GF loves it from behind because it hits her G-spot better, but she does not orgasm from that. It gets her primed, but like you she needs clitoral stimulation to orgasm. When she’s ready to come, she has to flip over onto her back with her legs closed so she can clench her thighs and create her own friction. I get on top and push in despite the difficulty. This way my shaft is stroking her clit while I’m shallowly penetrating. I tease the clit a minute, push in slowly, come out slowly, then repeat. If your boy is big he can do the same but get better penetration, a longer stroke and perhaps hit your G-spot too. The only problem is that when she blows, I have to thrust in hard right away and hold on for dear life or be cast out and thrown off.
Another position that works similarly is standing facing each other. Luckily our inseam length is the same, so this is comfortable – no-one squatting or standing on tippee toes to make it work. Your mileage may vary. But this works really well because she can control the action, teasing her clit with my shaft and penetrating when and how much and how fast she wants. It does take her some time to get primed for the orgasm, but once she does, this works really well too. She really loves being pushed up against a wall, kissed deeply and fucked this way all at the same time.
If you haven’t tried these positions, take them for a spin and see what happens.
This is really good information. I think some women need to be more involved in taking responsibility for their own orgasms but my experience also tells me that a simultaneous orgasms are the best orgasms in the world.
Your talking about a ‘Wegasm’, the ‘Holy Grail’ of sexual orgasm!
Hmm. Simultaneous. What, you mean like both of us during the same weekend?