My mother and many of her second-wave feminist peers view pornography as an institutional ill that is degrading to women and damaging to developing sexuality. She believes that the camera-ready angles, waxed and plastic body parts and pervasive depiction of extreme acts as “normal” distort human sexuality and give young porn-viewers a whole bunch of false and dangerous expectations.
My mom is a smart lady, and she’s not wrong. While I agree that some porn (okay, most of it) fits the bill she describes as damaging, I don’t find the filming and viewing of sex acts as objectively offensive. In other words, I think that porn is not inherently problematic, but its content often includes problematic ideas and attitudes. I also believe when viewed as entertainment, porn can be a positive element in the repertoire of adult sexuality,
It’s a touchy subject (just ask the people I tried to talk to for this article), and everybody’s got their own ideas about what’s acceptable, especially in relationships. On one end of the spectrum is 25-year-old Amelia, who recently got engaged. “My partner and I have discussed it and both agree that since we’re in a very committed relationship, neither of us should watch porn. While the idea of my partner watching porn bothers me a good bit, it would really be hiding it that would bug me a lot more.”
Kim, in a committed long-term relationship, feels that individual sexuality is important, as long as partners come first. “I think it’s healthy for two people in a relationship to maintain at least minimal individual sex lives, rather than becoming entirely dependent on each other for pleasure. If I’m not around, I expect him to take care of himself. So long as when I am around he prefers me to the porn, I’m good.”
Some couples are comfortable using the huge variety of available porn as inspiration. Gretchen wrote about finding beauty in the kinds of images and videos her boyfriend showed her, “Seeing how pretty it could be– black and white, just a glimpse of parts of the body, men and women who look normal and beautiful and still imperfect– made me feel so much more comfortable with him using it, and also much more like it was a source of ideas for things we could do together.”
Three couples, three different attitudes, and thus the problem with answering a macro-level relationship question like, “Is pornography cheating?” It depends on how you define “cheating,” and that depends on whom you ask. Sociologist Judith Stacey was recently quoted in the New York Times, “Intimate partners should decide the vows you want to make. Work out terms of what your commitments are, and be on same page.” Although Stacey was speaking about fidelity, her approach applies to the role of porn in relationships as well. What is fun and exciting for one couple is potentially hurtful for another. Some people think that being in a relationship means directing all of one’s sexual energy towards your partner, while other couples believe that incorporating other media (or even people) can only add to their satisfaction.
There isn’t one right answer here, and to say that what works for me works for everyone would be the height of arrogance. The most important thing is that the two people in a relationship agree to boundaries, and then respect them. Whether your neighbors or parents or friends find your boundaries antiquated or scandalous is ultimately irrelevant.
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So what about me? As a single 20-something actively dating, I haven’t been required to spell out my boundaries in quite some time. But if someone were to ask, I know where I’d want to draw my lines. As long as what you like to watch is legal and includes only consenting adults, I respect your right to enjoy it. I should not expect you to like what I like, and you should not expect me to like what you like. That being said, an open and honest dialogue about preferences, proclivities and fetishes is what makes a healthy sex life so much fun.
Porn should be entertaining and arousing. It should make us want to get naked with our partners, to be confidant when trying new things, to revel in the millions of ways that humans have figured out how to be sexual. It should not make us insecure about our bodies or abilities. As adults, we can, and must, separate performance from intimacy.
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Porn should be entertaining and arousing. It should make us want to get naked with our partners, to be confidant when trying new things, to revel in the millions of ways that humans have figured out how to be sexual. It should not make us insecure about our bodies or abilities. As adults, we can, and must, separate performance from intimacy. If either partner feels insecure about their size, shape, hair, flexibility, endurance, or any of the supernatural feats on screen, we need to remind each other that what we’re watching is an elaborately staged reenactment. If the pleasure of real, skin-on-skin sex is being drowned out by porn-inspired insecurity, then perhaps it’s time to unplug and reorient our expectations.
If you’d rather watch porn than be intimate with me, that’s a deal breaker. If your porn habits interfere with your social life, your professional life, or your ability to be a productive member of society, that’s a problem, too. If you are dissatisfied with our relationship because I don’t behave like someone you saw on the internet, it is time to seriously recalibrate your sense of reality (and time for me to dump you).
This is a two-way street, after all, and your opinions matter. It’s not just about what I want from my partner, but what he wants from me. What if he requested I refrain from watching a particular genre of porn, or a particular sexual act? I’m not sure how I’d respond, but our responsibility to each other is to discuss these preferences honestly, and agree to terms that leave us both happy. If we find that our desires don’t line up, we need to find some mutually enjoyable middle ground, agree on compromises, or reconsider our relationship.
I’d hope that my hypothetical new boyfriend and I could sit down together like adults, discuss what we think is healthy for our relationship, establish guidelines, and abide by them. I think we owe each other that much.
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I’m sorry, I’m not interested
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if anything porn is detrimental and reverse sexist against males.Mainstream pro porn still refuses to use normal,regular,average endowed men.I hate porn personally,for this reason and that they use too many boob implanted women and as a result this an hurt our body image among other things.I heart real guys and women in porn.Maybe then you would see more women indulging a tad bit more,imho.
YES…..most definitely Porn is a deal breaker as is anything the crosses over the confines of the marital guidelines that are based on Biblical principal. If GOD say’s it’s wrong. If HE says don’t do it…..IT’s WRONG….period. I set my standard levels from the beginning…you know what they are and if you’re not there….either get there or get out. It means one of two things, you’ve forgotten what those standards are or you lied about who you were. Plain and simple.
I don’t expect anything I don’t expect from myself.
porne=female slaves / eros=love Pornography is any material depicting or describing the human body or sexual conduct in a way that arouses sexual feelings. Possible consequences: 1. There is a risk of addiction. Once involved with it, many get “hooked,” as with a highly addictive drug, and keep coming back in a compulsive fashion for more. 2. Increasingly desire for deviant material. In time, the need of rougher and more explicit material to get the same kicks, arousal, and excitement as initially. 3. Becoming desensitized to the inappropriateness or abnormality of the behavior portrayed, eventually accepting and embracing what at… Read more »
““INFIDELITY began with an attraction to pornography”
Huh?
So… a spouse never strayed from their spouse and copulated with another partner prior to the invention of porn?
Interesting.
The Amerian Porn Industry = the biggest gathering of white trash on planet earth.
How do you know you’re watching only consenting adults?
Well for one thing, sites usually guarantee an 18+ minimum and those which are lying usually get shut down…
Also there may generally be some indication based on how it looks.
Erin: I do care why some guys like facials. Do they like it because it’s a purposely demeaning act in porn that clearly puts a woman “under” the man? Or is it more innocent? I think these are good questions. Does it make a man bad to like facials? No it doesn’t. But it might say something about his feelings toward women., Chances are its a matter of feeling dominance of a woman, in the bedroom. And that could very well just be one aspect of his sexuality. And also how he is with women in the bedroom may not… Read more »
Danny said: “Chances are its a matter of feeling dominance of a woman, in the bedroom. And that could very well just be one aspect of his sexuality. And also how he is with women in the bedroom may not say anything about his feelings toward women in general. Obviously wanting to give a woman a facial does not translate into him not thinking highly of any of the women in his life, well maybe to some men but I don’t think applies to most men.” Oh I have no doubt that for most men, the appeal of the facial… Read more »
How do you suppose women are suppose to feel about that though? What’s suppose to feel good for a woman in that situation receiving the facial when it’s all about the *power* he feels over her? Well its going to vary by the woman. There are some how are turned off by, some are indifferent, some are into it, and some think its horrible. Would you ask the same of men in a gender swapped situation? Nonsense! We have an epidemic of men that are very much interested in porn. Hence why it’s always a popular topic. Nonsense? While I’m… Read more »
It seems they’re rare though, my fiance being one of them.
I’m going to sound like a broken record here, again, with more of a question than a comment, but is there any place in this discussion for either a) giving a working definition of “porn” or b) distinguishing unacceptable content from acceptable content? I see that much of this discussion can only go in circles because for some people “porn” is just by definition something wrong and degrading and unrealistic and dangerous. For some the word just means “a bad thing,” so you are wrong to like it, and it’s bad because you are wrong to like it, so porn… Read more »
Susan: If a man said to me, “You know, my ultimate fantasy is to hurt and humiliate women” then yes I would think that is pretty negative. You are certainly free to your own feelings on sexuality and if a guy try to bring that up by all means reject it because you aren’t into that stuff. Why does he get turned on by humiliating women? Does he secretly want to cause ME pain or treat me like crap? Being a sadist is sexually exciting him? How does this translate to how he views women and treats women in his… Read more »
Danny, I appreciate your thoughtful response. I know that people do all kinds of things and if itis consensual then that is their business. But the part that is always missing from the discussion is WHY. Why do SO MANY MEN enjoy watching porn that shows women being humiliated or degraded (based on the popularity of that variety of porn). Why does that turn them on? Saying it’s okay because the actresses are being paid, or because couples engage in those activities consensually, doesn’t answer where it comes from. If you or I or whoever likes to watch images of… Read more »
Why do SO MANY MEN enjoy watching porn that shows women being humiliated or degraded (based on the popularity of that variety of porn). As I’ve said before I think one big part of this is that a lot of those men were harmed in some way (assaulted, rejected, etc….) and they dive into such porn as a means of “payback”. It could be that that harm I speak of is real or imagined but one thing (I think) is for sure whatever that hatred is not being resolved in some other means, thus leading them to get into such… Read more »
Hi Danny, I don’t think women are to blame for male anger at women. In individual circumstances, yes that could be true, e.g., having an abusive mother. But I think too many men feel angry at women out of a sense of thwarted entitlement. They want to have sex with attractive women but those women won’t let them play with their toys. So they get angry. Well I think you’d agree that it’s not the fault of women that we don’t want to have sex all the time with every man who wants us. Not every man I meet is… Read more »
I don’t think women are to blame for male anger at women. I don’t either, which is why I never said they are. Merely trying to point out where the anger is coming from. In individual circumstances, yes that could be true, e.g., having an abusive mother. Given how male abuse victims are shunned and silenced I think its a bit unfair to try and limit that to individualism, as if this does not take place on a systematic level. (I’m not trying to say that all guys that were abused by moms will grow up to hate women mind… Read more »
YouTube is a moot point, they take down all sex vids, they wouldn’t look long enough to care if it’s consensual.
The only sex vid I’ve seen stay up on YT is an educational one using MRIs.
Thank you, Emily for your article and the emphasis on being honest. Since your title is a question, allow me to answer with a resounding YES, porn can be a dealbreaker. You cross-sampled three different women for a view on how we (women?) feel about porn in our relationships: one who found a fiancee willing to agree to not look at porn, one who thought it was central to each taking ownership of their own sexuality, and the last who thought it added an element of “beauty” to her sense/experience of sex. Though I’m sure it was an inocuous oversight… Read more »
I agree this was a well-written essay and I like to hear a more objective essay from a woman. A lot of fascinating comments, too. Our whole relationship to porn is such a challenging discussion. The following quote speaks well to the unhealthy aspects of porn: “If you’d rather watch porn than be intimate with me, that’s a deal breaker. If your porn habits interfere with your social life, your professional life, or your ability to be a productive member of society, that’s a problem, too. If you are dissatisfied with our relationship because I don’t behave like someone you… Read more »
That was probably the best two cents I’ve read about porn. Ever.
While too many fall back on the ‘different strokes for different folks’ cliche as an ending, your BEGIN from that position (which should be obvious to any mature human being) and move forward.
Thank you.
Porn is certainly not cheating. Just the same way admiring a good looking person in the street is not cheating either. I am 35, and I love porn. And I indulge in several forms of it, I like written porn, phone sex, and of course video porn. There is something exciting about watching people have sex, when I masturbate I dont always need to use porn, but once inawhile it just does the job faster. I have watched porn with my partners. I admit, it is a bit personal. I wouldnt watch it with just anybody, but with somebody I… Read more »
I hope those videos of Japanese schoolgirls being groped on buses are staged and that you are not enjoying watching actual girls actually being sexually assaulted. because if you are, I think that’s pretty sick. Sorry if that sounds judgey, but, on this point, I’m seriously going to judge you. If it’s just actresses then it’s your own business, but that’s not clear from your comment.
Actually, schoolgirls being groped on busses is an actual social problem in Japan.
Yep. They’ve had to implement separate cars on subways just for women to avoid the problem of men groping them. And this person is turned on by that? Yikes.
They don’t ‘have to’. It doesn’t prevent women groping women, or men groping men, so I don’t think this solves the problem.
In fact it perpetuates a myth that any girl NOT on one of those cars is “asking for it”.
The thing is, we could all probably get,”turned on,” by anything sexual at all. I mean, we could be disgusted by it, but if its sexual in nature, we will likely have some level of arousal. But then, we start associating those things with sexuality, (even if we never act on them)those are associations that our minds, never would have made before. My friend told me she walked in on a group of guys watching a woman having sex with a horse. That’s not something that I want to associate with sexuality, at all. Why would I ever cultivate that… Read more »
Erin: What’s going on behind closed doors that makes degrading women through a media strongly appealed to men sound? To me, that’s the real issue. Not that people can’t determine what is best for them. But what is going on with men and women today that we have such a huge media that most men are attracted to that is infact about stereotyping, degrading and limiting women to a huge degree? Shame. I think that a lot of guys who engage in that behavior feel some sort of shame for simply being guys who have sexual desire (you see despite… Read more »
Well, this is a long response but I had a few things to say. You’ve been warned. 🙂 Danny, so men are going behind closed doors and engaging in stereotyping and degrading media of women because of male shame? I am honestly confused by that response.You didn’t deny that porn is limiting or objectifying of women. You however seem to think that’s okay because men feel “shame”. I don’t think men have a “blank check” in expressing their sexuality. But I do think men have always had more freedom in expressing their sexuality then women did/do. Porn certainly sends some… Read more »
Erin: Danny, so men are going behind closed doors and engaging in stereotyping and degrading media of women because of male shame? I am honestly confused by that response.You didn’t deny that porn is limiting or objectifying of women. You however seem to think that’s okay because men feel “shame”. Like I said its a matter of being shamed and going to (what I think) is the extreme and closing oneself off and then when closed off from other people (socially) there’s little need or desire to be mindful or respectful of other people. They might even recognize that porn… Read more »
I don’t think it’s fair to accuse women of “shaming” men simply because we are not always attracted to someone who is pursuing us. This is an issue that guys bring up a lot, and I understand it is painful to have sexual feelings that aren’t reciprocated (it happens to women too) and to feel rejected, but is it my responsibility to make men feel good about themselves by reciprocating feelings I don’t have for them? I do think a lot of men turn to porn because they feel rejected by the kind of highly attractive women they’d like to… Read more »
I don’t think it’s fair to accuse women of “shaming” men simply because we are not always attracted to someone who is pursuing us. Being attracted isn’t the problem. The problem is that there are times when the rejection is less than respectful. Its no different that blaming the men that impose unfair beauty standards on women. So yes there is some shaming involved (and its dishonest to think that when only reject me in respectful ways). This is an issue that guys bring up a lot, and I understand it is painful to have sexual feelings that aren’t reciprocated… Read more »
Oh my god, please stop. If I have to listen to one more woman opine on why men watch porn I’m going to go insane. I watch porn because occasionally it can be pretty hot. Two attractive strangers going at each other is a turn-on. And if I’m watching with my wife, it gets us both going. And guess what? Unless the woman being “demeaned” in the movie is acting against her will, it’s not demeaning. She’s an employee there on a voluntarily basis and she’s being compensated for her work. I fail to see how it’s demeaning when you’re… Read more »
It’s the fantasy of demeaning women that bothers me. Whether or not the actress is getting paid isn’t really the issue. Most are doing it voluntarily and making money. Fine. The issue is, why men who claim to love women get so turned on by watching women being abused or degraded? I’m not saying all porn is degrading, but a lot of is. Why do guys like to watch ATM scenes or “facials,” for example? What gets a guy off by watching a woman being humiliated that way? My theory is that it’s about anger at women, because if you… Read more »
So now guys aren’t allowed to have fantasies?? That’s crazy. Who cares why some guys like facials. Just because a guy is turned on by the thought of ejaculating on a girl’s face doesn’t make him bad. It means he’s got a fetish. Are you going to knock the woman who enjoy spanking or dominating a man? After all, it’s pretty demeaning to have a ball gag in your mouth and be led around on a dog leash. But some people like that. What’s demeaning to you is arousing to someone else. The only thing that makes me angry is… Read more »
Well it’s useful to think about why people have the fantasies they do and what it means in a larger context. If a woman likes dominating or humiliating men then I’d say yes, she probably has some psychological need coming from anger or a sense of disempowerment. But I think the number of women who like being a dominant in a BDSM relationship is fairly small (men who like to be dominated have trouble finding partners, and often have to pay for it) whereas porn that humiliates women is a billion dollar business. Why? I’m not saying that a man… Read more »
It makes me sad that if a man has a certain sexual proclivity that turns him on, women like yourself classify his feelings as “sad” and “pornified.” As a result, he likely squelches his sexual urges and gives you the plain vanilla sex for which you apparently long. Do you see how condescending it is to tell men their particular turn-on and the way they view sex is “skewed” and “negative?” It’s negative TO YOU. For others it’s just fine. Please don’t tell me what a healthy sexual relationship is. That’s going to differ from couple to couple. Whereas I… Read more »
If a man said to me, “You know, my ultimate fantasy is to hurt and humiliate women” then yes I would think that is pretty negative. Why does he get turned on by humiliating women? Does he secretly want to cause ME pain or treat me like crap? Being a sadist is sexually exciting him? How does this translate to how he views women and treats women in his daily life? Isn’t there something really, really wrong with wanting to hurt other people (even in fantasy)? I realize this is not a popular viewpoint in our culture at the moment.… Read more »
Daddy Files – Since you commented on my comments about acting more “pornstarish”, I’d like to respond to that. As I said, when I was younger, I mimicked the media I knew men liked and I got a lot of praise from my partners for it. When I acted more myself, that praise wasn’t there. That’s not to say that men *only* want pornstar sex. What I am saying is that I don’t think men encourage women to be themselves in sex. I do think culture in general, and yes men, encourage women to act more like the fantasy of… Read more »
Narcissism is the root of pornography.
Interesting. When I think of degrading I imagine a Woman asking two Men if she could help fix a car and them replying, “no, but you can go grab us some food.” However, with closer inspection we may find the the car was 99% repaired and at the work remaining was to change the oil and add pressure to one tire. After working for 6 hours a food run seemed extremely helpful to them. Degrading behavior is a difficult topic because what could be considered degrading may only be perceived as such by the person receiving said degradation. Perception and… Read more »
Unless the woman being “demeaned” in the movie is acting against her will, it’s not demeaning. How do you know, for sure, which women are there of their will? How do you know for sure they’re even 18 years old? Narcissism IS the root of pornography.
Actually, I think a woman can fully act in a porn movie with her complete consent and still be degraded in that movie. I don’t much understand the people that htink that consent = non-degradement. No where in the definition of degradment does it say that degradement is only achieved through nonconsent.
Further, alot of the women that get into porn are usually very young and impressionable and have not developed a realistic view of the world yet. Certain not vs. the 40+ men that are running the industry. Alot of the girls that get into the industry are desenfranchised, uneducated or have issues emotionally or physically from past abuse.
“Alot of the girls that get into the industry are desenfranchised, uneducated or have issues emotionally or physically from past abuse.”
That is such an utterly fucked-up, condescending stereotype about porn performers. You expect to be taken seriously, and yet you trot out statement after statement that is based on the worst assumptions and stereotypes you can possibly make about men and sex workers you can possibly dream up.
Stereotypes exist for a reason. There is always a grain of truth.
Danny – I agree that there is a sometimes a media sensationalism that male sexuality is predatory. It’s often a common theme in porn actually. And a cultural fallacy that men are up for it all the time with any available female. Thanks for explaining ways men can feel ashamed for their sexuality. Despite not being a man myself, I can recognize these valid concerns and even see how they are portrayed in our culture. Even if you don’t think you have a valid opinion in how women are represented in porn, as you expressed earlier when you said: “In… Read more »
You had also said: “And speaking of something that you can say and do to one but not the other when’s the last time a woman was arrested or nearly arrested for playing with her own kids in the park?”…I actually believe this to be a completely different topic. One worthy of discussion but it does nothing to answer the question I posed. Infact, you really just used it as a deflection and it actually stinks. No not deflection just a response your assertions of things you can say/do to one and not the other. And if you notice those… Read more »
Danny said: “No not deflection just a response your assertions of things you can say/do to one and not the other. “ Sorry Danny but you infact never responded to anything I actually said here. All you did was try to use a ploy to distract from the topic I brought up. If you want to talk about the things done to men, please do. But please don’t act like that’s good enough to ignore the way women are often depicted and treated through media that is highly attractive to men. Which is actually exactly what you are doing here.… Read more »
Sorry Danny but you infact never responded to anything I actually said here. All you did was try to use a ploy to distract from the topic I brought up. If you want to talk about the things done to men, please do. But please don’t act like that’s good enough to ignore the way women are often depicted and treated through media that is highly attractive to men. Which is actually exactly what you are doing here. No. Earlier you asked about what ways I think men can’t express their sexuality that makes them feel so ashamed and I… Read more »
I think porn’s being too stereotyped, not all porn is like this, let’s just stick to criticizing specific titles please. I’ve seen plenty of it where the woman is the aggressor and does stuff ‘to’ the man.
Is there something degrading about Red Shoe Diaries? That TV series with the hotel on the island?
Here is the problem though. If someone is literally chomping at the bit, for his brand new wife, to leave, so he can look at porn to masturbate to it, do you think he’s telling her this? How about, when he can’t perform with his brand new young bride without fantasizing about some unconquered female? The problem is that many of these things happen insidiously. They creep up on the person. It’s not like my husband purposed to lose interest in me, or to need new, variety, illicit, just to get aroused. He was wildly into me sexually for a… Read more »
I completely agree that each individual couple should set up the sexual perimeters that work best within their personal relationship with others. Whether that includes porn or not. Whether that includes other people or not. I don’t think you’re going to really get anyone to say otherwise. However, just because I believe that, I also can not ignore the message in what a lot of porn is about today and what that says about men (especially), women, sex and relationships and how many men feel about women and their role in sex and thus relationships. If you look at porn,… Read more »
“now that I am older, I just see so many men that still except me to act more pornstar then just me”
I’d celebrate the most unporny bookish girl in the world if she’d pick the proper half of homonyms.
I’m a straight male, and I’d be glad for someone to point me toward an online review of porn that does not demean women.
Good question Daniel. Depends on what you’re into, but there are some really great porn directors out there, like Tristan Taormino, who make super hot, awesome porn that celebrates sex and treats performers with respect. Another option is to find a sex shop in your city that bills itself as “feminist,” “progressive” or “sex-positive.” Early to Bed is a great one in Chicago (and they do sell products online too). A shop like that will carry (or just recommend) porn in a variety of genres that is not degrading or exploitative.
Hi Dan
Candida Royale – a former porn star has attempted to (and I think succeeded at least with some of her movies) to bring a much less-sexist (it at all) version of porn in which the point is to turn on and serve as an aid for spicing up one’s sexual life. – Dan
To quote Dan Savage: “All men look at porn…” I think he’s right on the money and since he says it better than I would:
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=15715
Without even reading that article I know that line is not true. I’ve met guys who actually dislike porn and refuse to watch it. And I have to admit that my own desire to watch porn has been waning a lot over the last year.
So, excuse the hyperbole; of course there are exceptions. And obviously not all men like all porn… and everyone’s sexual appetites wax and wane over time. But what is important here is that we all acknowledge that men are principally turned on by visual stimulation and therefore porn is (generally) attractive to men. There are problems with porn, maybe the biggest of which is addressed by Erin’s comment: the accessibility and prominence of pornography is causing young men and young women to define themselves and their expectations by pornography. But I stand by my not-actually-stated-statement: women who think that looking… Read more »
I don’t think it’s literally true that all men look at porn. However, debating whether or not all men do, or figuring out the percentages that do, or figuring out who’s lying when he says he doesn’t, distracts from the more concrete on-the-ground reality. When I read statements like “all men look at porn,” to me that means: 1. Don’t assume your husband or boyfriend doesn’t look at porn just because he’s never mentioned it. 2. Don’t assume you “can just tell if he does” just by spending a little time with him. 3. If you think you’ve found a… Read more »
I agree w all these statements. I assumed my now husband wasnt lookin bc i stopped once we established we were in a committed relationship and was heartbroken to find to differently. Especially considering i wanted sex nearly everday and got it maybe twice a week. I assumed he was addicted and that i wasnt good enough. We discussed and he has since stopped and we have sex much more often. I get worried that he might still when i read “all men watch porn” statements and i feel bad that a generalzation like that xauses me to doubt him.… Read more »
Great article, Emily! If I could complain for a bit here, I’d like to: It’s fine and dandy to say that this is the kind of thing that people (in a relationship) need to discuss and embrace the “different strokes for different folks” mentality. But the problem is that we don’t have a classy way of saying on a first date “What do you think of porn?” I suspect all genders (and orientations) might be tempted to lie if the question is asked too early – telling themselves that by minimizing their interest (or dependence on it) they can appear… Read more »
EasilyEnthused: My question is what’s wrong with asking that question in the early stages of a relationship?
Granted, I wasn’t great at dating and my honesty & blunt nature ended a lot of dates before they even began. But so what? At least you weed out the people who aren’t a good fit at the beginning. And in the process you get a little honest dialogue going on, which is refreshing compared to normal, inane first date banter.
So I guess my question is why do you think topics like this one considered so taboo??
But so what? At least you weed out the people who aren’t a good fit at the beginning. But depending on how and when you bring it up you might actually scare off someone who might have otherwise been a good fit. As for what’s wrong with asking that in the early stages someone might take you bringing it up as a sign that you might be asking them to film some or that you are into some way out there stuff, when neither may be the case. Its scary enough to try to figure out when to take a… Read more »
I dont think that bringing it up would be considered a sexual innuendo necessarily. It all depends on the way it is asked, and in general the tone of the conversation. This is something that I wouldnt necessarily care if somebody ask me early in the dating phase.. or even the first date.
Well said Emily.
I think the biggest point is to talk about it first and set up parameters. If you both think porn is cheating and wrong and you both decide not to do it, fine. It’s no one else’s business. The problem that arises is when those people come to a public forum and make a blanket statement that porn is cheating and anyone who watches porn is degrading women and being unfaithful to their spouse.
I wish more people would take this common sense, middle ground approach.
It’s a very slippery slope……..http://yourbrainonporn.com/