Jordan Gray says that the world is becoming increasingly open to a new definition of what it means to be a man. The biggest difference? How we treat men’s emotionality.
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I was having a conversation with a close friend recently when he posed the question to me…
“Is the world really ready for emotional men?”
There are so many factors playing into this question (and answer), but I will gladly venture in and lay open this topic.
First of all, yes, I do believe that the world is becomingly increasingly ready for emotional men.
But I think it is currently a small percentage of people that can actually handle it.
I believe the level to which emotional men are truly accepted is the same level to which women who are comfortable being sexual is currently accepted.
Are women who are overtly sexual accepted by the majority of the world? No, absolutely not. I wish it were different but double standards abound, and slut-shaming is still very real.
Similarly, while the number of men who are “coming out” as being emotionally attuned is increasing, I would argue that only a small percentage of them feel like they have a safe container in which to be their authentic, emotional selves.
Exhibit A
When it comes to this matter, I am certainly speaking from personal experience.
I have had people tell me my entire life that I am too emotional, sensitive, moody, or chaotic in my personality.
I have never really fit the traditional stereotypes of being a “guys’ guy”. At all. I know next to nothing about cars, I have no interest in watching team sports, and beer has always been a really boring drink to me.
When my male peers were bragging about how many women they had recently slept with, I was brimming with pride (internally) that I had helped my girlfriend have such a deep and releasing orgasm that it made her cry. Because to me, THAT was the feather in my cap. The fact that I could hold such a deep emotional space for someone filled me with pure joy. And not from an egoic “I made her do that” kind of way, but a permeating sense of gratitude and honour that I was trustworthy enough that she could fully open herself to me.
Want further proof? I talk to people about their emotions, love lives, and sexual activity for a living. Far from car parts and spreadsheets, I measure the success of my week by the tears that my clients shed.
Despite being a highly sensitive/emotional male, I have had girlfriends since I was twelve years old.
My exes could make the case that I was archetypically/energetically masculine in certain ways (in bed and in my work ethic) and archetypically/energetically feminine in other ways (conversationally and in my heightened sense of emotional awareness and intuition).
And yet, I always had girlfriends. And not just any girlfriends. I had deeply intuitive, intelligent, socially calibrated, stunning women who most any hetero man would be proud to call his lover.
So, exhibit A…. me.
Exhibit B
In any free market economy, the creators provide what people are looking to buy.
And one of the biggest shifts that I have seen in our modern world versus even 10-15 years ago is the type of male protagonists that are being presented in mainstream media.
The leading men in films like I Love You Man, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Neighbors, and The 40 Year Old Virgin buck the trend of old-school traditional masculinity and have reflected back what modern men are growing into.
Instead of the stiff-upper-lip, never-let’em-see-you-sweat backslapping ways of the masculinity of yesteryear, we have leading men who show uncertainty, nervousness, grief, and worry. Instead of challenging their friends, they encourage them. Instead of suppressing emotions, they’re expressing emotions.
And while these films are undoubtedly meant to be comedies, the fact that they so consistently portray more emotionally expressive male protagonists says something about the current state of masculinity.
Is Everyone Ready For Emotional Men?
So if I am arguing that these emotional men not only exist but are starting to be embraced by the women who love them, is every woman ready to embrace these kinds of emotionally attuned men?
No. Definitely not.
And again, I would put it at a very similar level to which modern men completely embrace and love women who are overtly and comfortably sexual beings.
Who IS Ready For Emotional Men?
The short answer: women who have done their work.
In my personal experience and the experience of my collective client base, the women who have looked at themselves, their short-comings, and worked through their own past emotional pain are the ones who can best hold space for emotional men.
Why is this?
Well, I’ll use a different example to illustrate my point.
When a casual acquaintance asks me if they can “pick my brain over coffee” and I tell them that if they’re looking for free coaching I already have a full calendar and they’ll have to pay my rates like everyone else, it is confronting for them. Why? Because people with weak personal boundaries are intimidated by (or envious of) those with strong personal boundaries. They think “I find it excruciatingly difficult to say no to people… so why do you get to do it so easily?” Similarly, in my experience and the experience of my clients, it’s the women who have a heightened sense of their own emotional process (and the allowing of that process to occur without judging it) that are infinitely more comfortable and loving with their male partner’s emotional process. They think “I appreciate and love it when he carries me through tough times, and I want to be able to offer him that same gift.”
Also, as a total generalization, the kind of people that attend Burning Man, men’s/women’s retreats, meditation classes, or self-development seminars are the kinds of people that I’m talking about. The people who are proactive in their journey inwards. The people who are comfortable digging into their own belief systems and limiting thought patterns. The people who have walked up to their personal demons and stared them right in the face. These people, who have been through a lot and worked through a lot, are the ones who can comfortably sit with their partner through their grieving/stress/anxiety/emotionality.
Who ISN’T Ready For Emotional Men?
People who are closed off to their own emotionality.
People that have emotional demons hiding in their dark mental attic and are afraid or unwilling to go up there with a flashlight to see what’s lurking around.
The people who resent anything in their partners (be it their personal boundaries, their emotionality, or their sexuality) are the people who have yet to integrate those things in themselves.
So if you are an emotional person and you can’t seem to find a partner who will accept you as you are, you might need to look in the mirror and work on accepting yourself first.
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This post originally appeared at JordanGrayConsulting.com and is republished on Medium. You can see more of Jordan’s best writing at JordanGrayConsulting.com
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You’re welcome silke. I for one am tired of traditional masculinity being viewed as the ONLY definition of what it means to be a man. I believe in a more inclusionary one for modern times. You want to be traditional then fine. You are more emotional you shouldn’t have to hide it to make someone else happy. I don’t view femininity to be so absolute and narrowly defined, so why should men be pigeonholed into a view of them?
C’mon Jordan. Please chime in. I’ve noticed one odd aspect of the GMP. Authors start the conversation, then vanish in the commentaries. I’d have thought there would be more emotional involvement since you were passionate in writing about it in the first place. I’m really glad Tom asked silke where they’re from. Adds a lot to the conversation. Thanks Tom and yo silke for the perspective!
Hi Mark
Thank you 🙂
During the long time I have followed debates here on GMP , this issue is one of the issues upsets me the most.
And I wonder if American men carries a heavier burden emotionally than men in Europe ,I mean not to be permitted to express certain feelings is terrible!
Let us hope Jordan comes back one day and responds to our questions .
One reason is that a lot of these articles are ‘Borrowed’ from other sites (which the GMP duly acknowledges) so in fact sometimes these authors might not be aware of the comment traffic.
Bobb is right. They don’t know how to react, so go to their default the culture has taught them. They don’t know why they do it but it just feels right even if it’s wrong. Then men get defensive, (tougher) and we start the game over. Me, there are parts of me I live my life as I choose. Be with me or not, I’m trying to be authentically myself as I know myself to be. Other times I observe myself fitting into what’s expected and to be honest pisses me off to see myself sliding down that easy slope.… Read more »
Yeah, women say they want men to ‘Open Up’ and let their feelings show because it’s the ‘Right’ thing, the emphatic , the nurturing thing to say, as so to put the person requesting this in a ‘good’ light. The first time you cry, why their even comforting. the second time, awkward silence. Third time? “Man the f**k up already, will you? (Talkin from experience here folks!)
Good answer John. Good examples. Both men and women here, especially women are tuned into the ideal, that never was that ideal to begin with, but a vision nonetheless. They see and want this protective hulk but then complain he doesn’t open up to them. Fabio in fantasy is their vision. They will accept the less than physical Fabio that most of us are but an emotional man is consdiderred to be too close to what they are and hence the manly man routine. It is so much bullshit but you can’t fight fantasy.
And that’s the difference, silke. Yours is a much more socialistic community in that your history banded you Scandinavians to survive. Americans were bred on independence. That’s mainly our collective viewpoint of ourselves, what we hold as an ideal and what we’re proud of. Here in Minnesota we have lots of Scandinavians so I’ve observed the differences even as they are Americans for many generations. You had to express your feelings and be nice in the long norse winters so closely packed together in the small remote villages lest you kill each other. We were spread out over a big… Read more »
I think it depends on WHICH emotions you’re talking about. It’s still true that men can still punch walls, shriek abuse and hurl insults at lesser workers and generally pitch tantrums in the office and be seen as “powerful”, but women can get fired for the same kind of displays, or lose their reputations as “sane”. Women are rebuked for crying and are told to “Stop trying to manipulate”, but if men cry they are seen as weak and effeminate. Those are just two examples I’ve encountered regularly in the workplace. I wish men would cry instead. And I think… Read more »
Hey silke, where are you from?
Hi Tom
I am Scandinavian and “our men” are often seen as feminine by persons from other countries.
Hi Jordan
As a European I am a bit confused when men in the US say they women withdraw or dump them if express feelings.
Can you give examples of situations, words said etc that gives me a hint about what you mean?
@ silke “Can you give examples of situations, words said etc that gives me a hint about what you mean?” I’m not sure how many times a woman drops a man because he shows vulnerability. Most guys like myself usually knew to keep things inside or she sends messages indicating that she doesn’t care and it’s only when a man tries to push past those messages that he gets dropped. For most guys, I think they get the hint and just close up, but not always. I’ve known guys who were dropped because of this. It might start with a… Read more »
The sensitive men that I know who open up to women, are pretty much all single. I am starting to believe that opening up is a great way to be seen as a friend and not a potential romance. Even yesterday I had a woman say “women want manly men”. I’m sure some women can handle emotionally open men but I still see a huge amount of expectation from women for men to be stoic.