Qasim Rashid sets the record straight when it comes to dealing with the real reason violence against women exists, and how to solve this issue.
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“She made me do it.”
I hear this phrase all too often, and each time I hear it my heart bleeds. In my pro bono legal practice, I represent indigent women who suffer or have suffered through domestic violence. As an attorney, as a Muslim, as a husband, and as an uncle to five beautiful nieces, I see my clients as individuals that could just as easily be my family.
My clients are white, black, Asian and Latino. They are Muslim, Christian, agnostic and undeclared. They remind me that violence against women is a worldwide epidemic — and that such violence is the leading cause of injury to women in America. Part of the client interview process seeks to understand the underlying roots that led to the abuse. While I know the reason, the point is to understand what they believe caused the violence against them. Invariably, my DV client will at some point claim, “He said I provoked him, that I made him do it.” Sometimes I can no longer tell if they actually believe what they’re saying, or have been beaten — literally or figuratively — into believing it.
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A recent Washington Post article argues that marriage is the Holy Grail to ensure women avoid domestic abuse and violence, claiming, “Married women are notably safer than their unmarried peers, and girls raised in a home with their married father are markedly less likely to be abused or assaulted than children living without their own father.” Therefore, the authors conclude “one way to end violence against women [is] married dads.”
For the sake of argument, I’ll believe the article is well-intentioned. Unfortunately, in analyzing extensive data and turning women into statistics, the article — at best — succeeds in some colorful bar graphs reporting on women who are slightly less abused than other women. The article woefully misses the main reason behind why violence against women exists, and therefore it misses the correct solution to stop that violence.
A woman’s dress, marital status, and lifestyle do not inspire violence against women. Violence against women exists because the men in their lives — single, married and strangers — commit that violence. Violence against women exists because men do not treat women with respect. Violence against women exists because our society does not value the moral characteristics of civility in discourse, respect for a woman’s body, respect for a woman’s right to self-determination, and the equality and equity of women in general.
Violence against women exists because our society does not value the moral characteristics of civility in discourse, respect for a woman’s body, respect for a woman’s right to self-determination, and the equality and equity of women in general.
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Instead, we resort to placing the burden of avoiding violence on women, while men escape unscathed. Such an approach is as reprehensible as it is ineffective — as evidenced by rising DV cases. Recognizing that this approach is contrary to human nature, Prophet Muhammad implemented substantive reform among men to stop violence against women 1400 years ago.
Pre-Islam Arabia was a hotbed of misogyny, violence against women, and inequality. Women had no right to property, decision in marriage, right to divorce, or self-determination. Islam first immediately granted women these rights and forbade forcing anything on women. While violence against women is epidemic in some parts of the Muslim world today — as it is in America and the west — life for women immediately and for centuries after Islam represents how Islam’s pristine teachings ultimately elevated women to a level of equality and reformed men to stop committing violence.
For example, to teach respect for a woman’s body, Islam stresses chastity — but places the primary burden for chastity on men, not women. While clerics and priests today declare that women should “get married” or “dress more modestly” to avoid domestic violence, Prophet Muhammad held a different view. While encouraging marriage and modest dress for both genders, Prophet Muhammad significantly and as a foundation commanded men, “You be chaste yourselves, and women will be chaste.” He commanded men to stop obsessing over how women behave and dress, and instead demanded men focus on self-reform and self-improvement. While the Qur’an admonishes women to dress modestly in the footsteps of Mary Mother of Jesus, it instead and first commands men to “cast down your eyes” and “not stare at women lustfully” — no matter how a woman chooses to dress. A woman is responsible to herself and God to dress and act modestly, while a man is primarily obligated to women, to himself, and to God to treat women with respect and not gawk.
While the Qur’an admonishes women to dress modestly in the footsteps of Mary Mother of Jesus, it instead and first commands men to “cast down your eyes” and “not stare at women lustfully” — no matter how a woman chooses to dress.
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The Qur’an further declares men and women as two equal beings created from a single soul, declares men and women as garments for one another designed to protect one another from harm and suffering, and commands Muslims to speak in a comely and civilized manner. As far as the claim that “She provoked me,” the Qur’an emphatically responds, “Consort with women in kindness, and if you dislike them, it may be you dislike a thing in which God has placed much good.” The Qur’an further commands men that if a woman indeed commits a flagrant act — such as infidelity — a man must first advise her of his disapproval in words, and if still angry separate himself from the volatile situation — and not cause her physical harm under any circumstance. (My recent book EXTREMIST likewise debunks the myth some espouse that the Qur’an commands men to commit domestic violence).
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On a journey through the desert, a male driver sped up the heard. Prophet Muhammad, noting that women were traveling with them and would experience discomfort due to the rough ride, admonished the driver to slow down, declaring, “Mind the crystal!” Indeed, Muhammad’s dying words were “Treat women well. You have rights over them and they have rights over you. They are your committed partners.”
The strategy worked. Women after Islam rose to levels of unmatched jurists like Hazrat Ayesha, courageous soldiers like Nusayba b. Ka’b al-Anṣārīyya and Khawla b. al-Azwar, brilliant community leaders like Zaynab b. ‘Alī, and awe-inspiring academics like Lubna of Cordoba and Fatima al-Fihri of Morocco. This list is but a mere snapshot.
Most notably, Islam’s solution to stop violence against women is not a religious answer — it is a secular answer.
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Most notably, Islam’s solution to stop violence against women is not a religious answer — it is a secular answer. It obliges men to safeguard their chastity, treat women with equality, take ownership over their own behavior, and respect a woman’s body and right to self-determination.
Violence against women will stop when men stop committing violence against women. I would like nothing more than my pro bono practice in domestic violence to become obsolete. But as long as we rationalize data to support the preconceived notion that woman are the root cause — or a cause — of violence against women, I’ll unfortunately have more clients than I can handle.
For the sake of humanity, stop blaming women. In the meantime, I’ll raise my two young sons with Prophet Muhammad’s example — that the key to stopping violence against women rests with civilized men and their personal ownership.
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This article originally appeared on The Huffington Post.
Photo credit: HENG FU MING/flickr
@ Erin Erin – “Can you please show me exactly where you commented on the “merits” of this article. I don’t see it.” Qausim – “Violence against women exists because our society does not value the moral characteristics of civility in discourse, respect for a woman’s body, respect for a woman’s right to self-determination, and the equality and equity of women in general.” John – “It’s probably because much of society does view women as equal to men that 50% of men believe they have the right to defend themselves against a woman’s violence.” He says society not viewing women… Read more »
I think that it’ says a lot about the mindset of some of the women on this site that when I make a comment suggesting that teaching men to meekly submit to the physical abuse of his girlfriend / wife is probably not the best approach to eliminating reciprocal violence initiated by women, their main focus is to defend the idea that if this isn’t the ideal approach, it’s at least an acceptable approach. When I suggest that maybe it would be better to prevent this form of violence against women by maybe telling women not to initiate the violence… Read more »
The mindset of a lot of women on this site is one where they are trying to understand men better and make the concentrated effort to visit a website dedicated to men in hopes of understanding them better. Do you make the same effort to understand women? That doesn’t mean the women of this site will agree with every single man that posts an article or comment., or woman for that matter. That is the mindset of the women on this site. Show us where anyone said that a man should “meekly submit to the physical abuse of his girlfriend/wife.… Read more »
@ Erin “You don’t even want to talk about what men can do to help even though that was the focus of this article.” I actually wrote that comment, but they won’t post it. I’ve re-posted it on feminist critics and they seem to have agreed to leave it up since it’s still there. You can read it here. http://www.feministcritics.org/blog/2014/07/22/an-open-thread-from-a-different-time-zone-noh/ If you choose to read it, I’ll warn you that it’s snarky and sarcastic, but it does show the difficulty with putting the onus on the victims, whether men or women, rather than the perpetrator. “Show us where anyone said… Read more »
Great article. Typical comments. Here’s all I have to say in response to these predictable comments: http://kareningalasmith.com/2013/04/29/this-thing-about-male-victims/ Not that for one moment I think the men who actually believe it’s women’s fault or that DV is utterly ungendered will consider the way their stats have been manipulated, or even look around at the news in the world and see reality.
@ Lori Day “* It is about domestic abuse and/or conflict, not domestic violence * The data does not differentiate between cases where there is one incident of physical conflict/abuse/violence or those where violence is repeated. If we look at the data for where there have been four or more incidents, then approximately 80% of victims are women * The data does not differentiate between incidents where violence and abuse are used as systematic means of control and coercion and where they are not * The data does not include sexual assault and sexual violence * The data does not… Read more »
But what if his career is stalling because he is spending so much time and attention on her. In all these discussions there never seems to be the possibility that the person who is feeling guilty is actually at fault. I wonder why that is. When I was young and just starting out as a computer programmer, my girlfriend at the time could not understand my long hours and would insist that I spend more time with her. I tried to explain ‘crunch time’ to her but in her 9-5 job she just didn’t get that kind of pressure to… Read more »
None of that has anything to do with violence.
“For the sake of humanity, stop blaming women…” It is hard to understand that mindset where a woman believes she is to blame for everything bad going on in the relationship…the man’s career is stalling, then she is to blame because he is focusing so much attention on her…she is feeling bored and stifled and seeks new interests and friends; he blames her for being disloyal and untrue, even though he has isolated her from the closest people in her life….a terrible car accident happens to someone in his family; she must be to blame because because because…. Looking back,… Read more »
So Islam’s way of ending violence against women is far from ideal. Why wouldn’t you just teach everyone to treat others with respect to end violence against all? To those who want to complain about what about the menz, I’d like to ask what about the lesbians or are they not women? Doesn’t ending violence against women mean ending violence against them as well? How do you end that by teaching men to respect women?
Aw, jeez Randy.
I have a question for the blogger:
When it comes to making societal changes regarding women here in America, which particular Muslim countries do you suggest we use as models, and why?
First, WTF Randy. Second, how did you manage to get through this article and not understand how Qasim thinks women should be treated? He gave you models for treating women through his whole piece. Here: “Instead, we resort to placing the burden of avoiding violence on women, while men escape unscathed. Such an approach is as reprehensible as it is ineffective — as evidenced by rising DV cases. Recognizing that this approach is contrary to human nature, Prophet Muhammad implemented substantive reform among men to stop violence against women 1400 years ago.” And here: “He commanded men to stop obsessing… Read more »
“and the equality and equity of women in general.”
About 50% of DV is reciprocal with about 50% of that being initiated by women. It seems that violence against women can be reduced by about 25% by simply teaching women not to hit. It’s probably because much of society does view women as equal to men that 50% of men believe they have the right to defend themselves against a woman’s violence.
Clearly Qausim, as someone in the actual fray, with actual experience of domestic violence from a wide vantage point that I am sure neither you or I have experienced ourselves, does not see an equal 50/50 reciprocal. But nice job in marginalizing the violence against women by barely even acknowledging it and suggesting that violence can be reduced by only the reforming of women’s actions.
Which makes Qausim’s comment: “He commanded men to stop obsessing over how women behave and dress, and instead demanded men focus on self-reform and self-improvement”, much more defying.
@ Erin
” and instead demanded men focus on self-reform and self-improvement”
The one thing a person can control and change is themselves, but the one thing we won’t talk about, the one thing that a “victim” can do to not be victimized, is don’t hit. It’s weird how people insist on defending a woman “right” to strike a man.
“nice job in marginalizing the violence against women by barely even acknowledging it and suggesting that violence can be reduced by only the reforming of women’s actions” But, the reverse is okay, is it? Considering how much political bull* has been tainting domestic violence prevention for decades now, no, I don’t think I can actually trust the so-called “experts” to know what’s really going on- or at least, to be honest about it. Until I see a study that uses the exact same definition of “domestic violence” and abuse for both men AND women, (None of this “she hits him… Read more »
@ 8ball I think the problem some people are having is that some studies do use the same definition. If you hit someone, it’s domestic violence. I think that why there is such a push to look at how often people are injured, but when we do this, we excuse violence as not really violence. Why does this happen? Well obviously it’s to erase large numbers of male victims to make the problem look gendered. The thing is this. If injury is the concern then it’s just as valid a response to teach men not to hit so hard as… Read more »
John, where in this article or in the comments did anyone say that a woman had the “right” to strike a man? Your comment is completely out of left field. It has absolutely nothing to do with this article, it was not a perspective that was even represented in the very article you are commenting under or the comments. You read Qasim’s article, you took stock of the perspective he presented it in, and you completely ignored and disrespected it for your own agenda. You exclusively only want to talk about DV when men are victims, not when men are… Read more »
@ Erin First, I read his article and commented on the merits of it. You chose to interpret those comments as an attack on women when it was specifically addressing his assertion that lack of men treating women as equals was a factor in domestic violence against women. It’s odd that he then suggests that the solution is to place women on a pedestal. You’re welcome to point out where Qasim’s says that a man should just walk away from a physical assault of another man. Now if the goal is to treat women as equals, why should we tell… Read more »
@ Erin “Has any of the comments below said that violence against men is okay?” Did you read the article Lori Day linked to? Let me quote what was said prior to the quote I included in my response to her. “The data referenced, that approximately a third of victims of domestic abuse in the UK are male comes from data from the British Crime Survey. It contrasts significantly from data from police crime reports which estimate that between 80-90% of violence against the person reported is by women assaulted by men. The main problems with the statistic that a… Read more »
Can you please show me exactly where you commented on the “merits” of this article. I don’t see it. Your first comments centered around passing the buck to women in how they can stop violence while saying nothing about how men can stop violence. You can’t even discuss violence when men are the perpetuators of it. Any article written on GMP when women are victims of DV leaves you quoting statistics about violence against men. It appears that you believe articles like these take something away from male victims. As if the existence of DV topics when women are victims… Read more »
” ….we…. “?