Kenny Bodanis is tired of being asked if he’s “that way” or just seems that way.
In a recent post I wrote:
“Three things I will never do:
1. Spend an evening of intimacy with Ronnie Wood.
2. Share a bowl of chocolate-covered pomegranate seeds with Barack Obama.
3. Work myself into the Lotus Position without dislocation.”
Upon reading #1 on the list, my wife called me from work: “An evening with Ronnie Wood?! People really are going to think you’re gay.”
♦◊♦
The comment was nothing new. Sarcasm and quips related to my sexuality have followed me since I was 7 years-old like crane flies under street lights.
I did myself no favors:
- I figure skated for seventeen years. For two of those I was a competitive ice dancer; for the final three I taught the discipline professionally.
- I love cooking, and keep an online recipe book.
- I share true feelings with others.
- One of my go-to dress shirts is hot pink.
- Among my favorite movies are “Fame” and “Saturday Night fever”; and at the time it was released, I was also memorized by “Flashdance”. I was moved as much by the dancing and the soundtrack as I was captivated by Jennifer Beals.
♦◊♦
People are most intrigued about the figure skating. When asked why I first took up the sport, I make the mistake of answering honestly: At the age of 6, I saw my older (male) cousin perform a solo routine to Kermit the Frog’s “Rainbow Connection.” His outfit was green lycra, with a sequins rainbow travelling from left shoulder to right hip. I was agog.
Though I was never physically assaulted by the hockey teams brushing past me and my various practice and show gear on their way to the locker room; “fag” and “nice outfit, homo” were phrases I heard as often as “If you’re afraid of falling, you’ll never complete the rotation on your double Lutz.”
If anything, snide remarks over the past thirty-three years have only helped develop a healthy sarcastic sense of humor.
I would usually either ignore questions about my sexuality, or laugh them off, or simply answer “no” and continue with my day.
Until lately.
I finally asked myself: why do I need to defend my heterosexuality or deny to anyone that I’m gay?
It is clearly implied in their question, and therefore in my answer, that gay is something to be avoided.
It’s not. It is just a state of being.
It is actually a lewd curiosity: there’s Kenny, I wonder which gender he prefers having sex with. Does he find an erect penis attractive? Or naked breasts? Who does he fantasize about, Jessica Simpson or George Hamilton?
These are really the questions people are curious about when they broach the topic of an individual’s sexuality.
No one questions whether I’m a member of the NRA, or the Tea Party, or whether I’m a racist. Somehow, though, my sexuality is fair game – even if it is in jest. It is of no importance to people which memberships tickle my fancy, but they sure wonder who I fancy to tickle with my member.
Shamefully, I allow my metrosexuality to prevent my defense of homosexuality. While people jest openly to me about what they perceive as my more feminine inclinations, the room really quiets down when I don’t join the chorus of laughter following a “fag” joke.
Maybe he really is gay…
Maybe I am? What happens now?
Are you imagining me doing weird things with strange people? Are you dismayed the immature jokes have to stop when I’m in the room? Am I not invited to the company golf tournament?
As it is, I already choose the “spa” option on the company form, so I’m never on the course anyway.
As Montgomery MacNeil said in “Fame” (The original 1980 version. The remake?…Don’t even go there, sister.): “Gay used to be such a happy word.”
Am I gay?
Have you ever wondering why you’re asking such a manifestly creepy queston?
Why don’t I answer?
Because it’s none of your damn business.
Photo—Man with glasses from Shutterstock
About Kenny Bodanis
Excellent. I agree with you completely. Stupid assumptions about others are based upon stupid stereotypes.
Just to give you an example from my personal experience: When I was about 15 years old, my parents decided I needed to see a clinical psychologist because I was being picked on at school and my grades had fallen. The psychologist whom they chose (who, unfortunately, turned out to be abysmally incompetent) sent me to a judo instructor, a white man who had played football at one of the local universities and was afflicted with the social views and attitudes of machismo. A bad choice for a boy who had learned from mandatory P.E. to fear coaches and athlete classmates and who desperately needed a mentor. (Instead of having me take judo lessons from this guy, he should have sent me to a health club to work with a personal trainer on a bodybuilding program, which is what I’m doing now.) I always felt like an outsider at his dojo, someone merely to be tolerated and patronized. After three years of this nonsense, I decided I’d had enough and quit.
Eight years later I paid this guy a visit and learned why I had felt like an outsider in his dojo. Without any prompting from me, he let me know that he considered only athletes and men in certain blue-collar professions to be “real men.” In practically the same breath, he disparaged the Soviet physicist and human rights activist Andrei Sakharov (you know, one of those “pencil-necked geeks”) — a man of extraordinary courage who had something he didn’t have; namely, moral courage. These comments had been preceded by the startling announcement, “Bill, I saved you from homosexuality.” Well, I’ve been happily married to the same woman for over 30 years; and I’m the proud father of two children. Never mind there have always been homosexual men who have participated in rough contact sports, as they’ve participated in just about everything else.
As far as the negative stereotyping of men is concerned, forget what women say. We men do a big number on ourselves.
The point I failed to make in my post above regarding the stupid jerk’s claim of saving me from homosexuality is that I never had homosexual tendencies. He stereotyped me because at the time I was slightly built, had no self-confidence and no interest in sports (and today, by the way, I”m still not a sports fan), and was being bullied at school. So, I had to be gay, right?
Unbelievable.
If “doing this thing will keep you from being gay” is true, shouldn’t the counter argument also be true? i.e. forcing someone to figure skate should turn them into a homosexual, right?
I hope to find a way to return to this earth a few centuries from now and see if the macho men get it yet.
BTW, the part about the judoku disparaging Sakharov is hysterical. You can;t make stuff like that up. (If you did, don’t admit it; it’s still funny.)
Thanks for reading.
You’re welcome!
How could anyone disparage figure skating? Granted, I know nothing about skating from my own experience; but it seems to me that it’s not easy to learn.
Regarding my former judo instructor from decades ago, I swear I’m not making this up. He really did disparage Sakharov, as well as say all the other kooky things that I mentioned. He also had no moral objection to bullying. As a matter of fact, he didn’t seem to have any moral objection to anything. In fact, he’s the coldest guy I’ve ever met.
I have to point out that there are athletic guys who are appalled by machismo. My first personal trainer at the health club, who had an extensive athletic background, was disturbed when I told him about the guy. Two of my closest friends — one who played football in high school, the other who played at the university where he earned his degree in sociology — would not care to have anything to do with him.
Haven’t you just tried not being heterosexual?
(Tongue firmly planted in cheek.)
I grew up around ballet dancers…some of them were boys, of course, …and they were some of the most talented people I have ever met…and some of the nicest…and, yes, it’s terrible that they got the gay teasing…it’s so asinine…
To all the idiots who ever called my friends “gay’, you were a bunch of jealous dummies….because all the girls thought they were incredibly handsome….in fact, my BFF went out with one of the cutest….what a sweetheart he was! (I think sometimes I liked him better than my BFF!)…
Ballet dancing…ice skating….those are ways to get the girls!
Ha! That’s what I always told my friends:
“Why do you skate?” they’d ask.
“Because the ration of girls to boys is 24:1.”
Also, it’s not only a matter of wondering whether someone is gay, it is the fact people need to defend their sexuality (still!) as though there were a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ state of being.
UGGGH, this became an issue again for me yesterday. I had this boy from high school message me out of the blue 5 years later asking me out on a date. I politely declined telling him I was straight, and he insisted I was gay. I have been assumed to be gay since the age of 3, and it doesn’t matter what happens, everyone assumes that to be the case. Androgynous looks, an obsession with dressing impeccably, and rather effeminate mannerisms means the entire world believes I’m gay. From “friends” trying to set me up with men, to my boss “hinting” that it is totally okay to be gay and wondering out loud to me why anyone would remain in the closet in this day and age. It wouldn’t really bother me so much except that it doesn’t matter how much I say I’m not or anything else, everyone assumes that I am. I get hit on by men all the time, but I can’t get a woman to even smile or say hi. It is so infuriating! I especially love the “you’re gay, you just don’t know it yet” that I get all the time too.
Wow. The guy called you to ask you out, and then tried convince you you’re gay? What what he expecting – for you to change your mind on the phone and say: “On second thought, you’re right! Thanks to you, I now realize I prefer men! Thanks, dude!.”
People are weird.
@Collin: “I politely declined telling him I was straight, and he insisted I was gay.”
Well, he must have known you better than yourself, isn’t it?
Smile and shrug, Collin, morons are everywhere…
Regarding your issues with women, when I was young I was in a similar situation (I was always “the friend” and never the love interest), but it changed eventually (I had to develop my male side, though).
Hold on, it gets better with time.
It gets better with time is a really shitty thing to hear all the time. At 23, I am, quite frankly, sick and tired of waiting for it to get better with time. Am I forced to suffer in misery through the prime years of my life and then suddenly expected to be pleased when women get bored and finally deem me worthy? I’m going to end up wealthy and powerful, and I’m going to date nothing but young 20 year old girls and all the women my age are going to complain about me dating younger women. I will feel no guilt at all marrying a 20 something women when I’m in my 40′s. The women my age could have dated me when they were younger but they chose not to, so I won’t feel bad about not giving them the time of day when they are less desirable. The value of my personal stock is only going to go up and astronomically so. The same cannot be said for them.
Collin, I didn’t mean to piss you off with my platitude, sorry. I was just trying to give you some hope.
BTW, at 23 you’re STILL very young. While suffering sucks at any age, complaining that you still don’t get laid at 23, sounds a bit like entitlement to me: the world owes you nothing; if you want something, work hard to deserve it.
Having said that, and aware I’m at risk to piss you off even more, I’d add some suggestion:
1) Whining is NEVER sexy. If you want to become attractive, STOP whining.
With people, your attitude is your best ally or worst enemy: if your attitude stinks, people will stay away from you.
2) You overflow with resentment. That makes you not likeable at all.
You might even have reasons for your resentment (although – again – the world owes you nothing), but still it works against you. If you want to be loved, BECOME likeable and lovable.
3) Invest on yourself. Become a better person.
If you really want to be wanted and loved, become a person worthy of it. Cultivate your qualities.
You can do it, but it takes hard work and stop complaining. Complaining is easy, but it gets you absolutely nothing.
4) Do not expect the world to change to make you happy.
YOU change for becoming happy. You are the problem, and you can be the solution.
At 23, I almost never had sex.
At 30, I had relationships, sex and love. What changed? I did change.
And that made all the difference.
When you’re of the, perhaps, 2% of the population by the age of 23 not getting laid I don’t think it is entitlement. I do thank you for your incredibly helpful advice. Bitterness and resentment happen when you’ve been rejected nearly 100 times without anyone giving you the light of day. I have solicited the advice of dozens of people and no one can actually understand what exactly is going wrong. “You’re just really unlucky, keep trying, I guess,” seems to be the only advice people can muster. I only let my frustration out on the internet because, as you said, it isn’t attractive in life. I also like your insinuations that I’m lazy, unworthy, unlikable, and don’t work hard.
In other words, go F*** yourself.
@Collin: “… without anyone giving you the light of day”
But when someone offer you some insight, you’re not the least interested.
You only want to whine and blame.
@Collin: “… seems to be the only advice people can muster”
My “advice” were of different kind, but your reaction speaks volumes.
@Collin: “In other words, go F*** yourself.”
Thank you. This pretty much explains your “success” with people.
So, you like to play the “victim”.
Please yourself and farewell.
Sorry for not making a habit of thanking others for making personal attacks against me.
@Collin
I feel your pain man, it is difficult to find relationships when you have a some aspect of your image that can cause people to make assumptions that are manifestly untrue. When I was 23 I was in a similar situation, though in my case it was being fat (I have been somewhere 300lbs since my late teens) and a nerdy kid that didn’t have too many friends outside of a few highschool friends that shared my interests.
Because of that I had a lot of the anger issues and problems with talking let alone asking women out, and those I did connect with constantly stuck me in the “friend zone” that most nice guys like me had come to dread.
I was only a little older than you (24-25 and I’m 32 now) when I realized that I was going to have to make a change in myself if I wanted my situation to change. People are not mind readers, so often how you present yourself to the world affects how they treat you.
I started by defining what I would like to see in an ideal version of me. What values and habits did I wish I had. In my case I found the stereotype of the “Proper Victorian Gentleman” to have many of the qualities that I really valued. Civility, manners, Sophistication, Strong moral courage, etc… Once I had an idea of the kind of behaviors that I thought a “gentleman” would have, I started the change by first faking the behavior I wanted to emulate. At the start it wasn’t easy and I slipped quite a bit, but I was able to slowly internalize those behaviors until they became second nature to me.
An example of this was that my “ideal” gentleman is always polite and civil in his manner no matter how angry the situation. Now this not to say that I was “nice” in my responses, but by keeping this ideal in mind I was able to change from a person that was easy to get rise out of and quick to anger, to the man that I am today. I have become adept at ignoring most abuse, and by using irony, sarcasm, and subtle innuendo spoken in a calm even tone I can usually turn around someones petty or mean insults send them back at them with enough skill that I have often had them yelling in anger or feel foolish and stomp off in frustration. Something that I have found immensely satisfying over the years, albeit not something should be boasting about.
I am a much happier man nowadays, although not without my quirks from the change. I still swear like a sailor when I am hanging out with the guys, but feel really embarrassed when I swear in mixed company.
Given your self professed androgyny and penchant for being a “sharp dressed man” (awesome zz-top song by the way) I would suggest you do something similar. Find and define what you think your masculine Ideal would be. Do you want the mix of cockiness and cool style you see in the rat pack and George Clooney? Or maybe the smooth acerbic urbanity of Jude Law and the older Sean Connery might be more your cup of tea? In any event you should find what works best for you and aim for that.
In my experience I have found that if I want change how people treat me, I have to make the changes in myself that will trigger/prompt the change in behavior that I want from other people.
@ Collin
“I get hit on by men all the time, but I can’t get a woman to even smile or say hi.”
Dude, I’m surprised. A couple friends and I were at this party and none of the women were paying us many attention. One guy said we might as well be gay. So as a lark, we pretended to be gay. The women started coming up to us. It was the weirdest thing. We just assumed that felt safer with gay guys.
I look back 20 years later and wonder if it was that fact that we were having fun that attracted them, bit because they thought we were gay. It started when we were getting food. A friend asked me why I didn’t get a wiener. I asked him if he’d like to put it in my bun for me. Every lady there was just open mouth laughing. Women want to be around fun guys. If you want to attract women, go out and have some fun.
I’m ashamed to say I’ve been on the giving end of this as well as receiving in the past (not so much gaybashing as assuming camp men are gay).
This is an excellent post, well done.
It takes a certain kind of person to admit when their wrong…umm…by any chance are you….?
Thanks!
Thank you Kenny, brilliant post; smart, funny, and with the right amount of edge.
Me, too, I have been considered somehow “gayish” for a long time: apparently, being intelligent, articulate, sensitive and sweet are no men’s qualities.
What can you do, some people are just too limited to grasp the complexity of a human being.
The “none of your business” part is just perfect, though.
Haha, I’m your female counterpart in being assumed a lesbian when I am in fact quite straight. Like you, I typically don’t answer because I’d rather have those people reexamine the way they think and talk about lesbians than know who I prefer having sex with. If there is something offensive you wouldn’t say in front of an LGBT individual, don’t say it in front of me.
I do find it hilarious when I explain that I’m actually straight and people answer with “no, she really IS a lesbian, she just doesn’t know it yet” (I’m pretty young so that doesn’t help).
Valter,
Thanks. I’m really am going to start answering: “If I say ‘yes’, are you going to start picturing me with other men? No? Then why are you asking?”
@Kenny: “I’m really am going to start answering: …”
You might even reply “Are you so much interested in my ‘gayness’ because you’re willing to date me?!?”.
That should shut up most of them!
Jeanette, that last part is hysterical. I having a running joke with a friend of mine with whom I occasionally disagree with when it comes to which movies we like. She’ll say “I LOVED that film.” I’ll answer “No, you didn’t.”
Drives her crazy…so, of course, I keep doing it.
From the ages of 10 through 17 I was called “faggot” approximately 10 billion times and “pussy” approximately 9.9 billion times by my peers, both male and female. I grew up wondering if I actually was gay, even though I liked girls, since evidently everyone else but me thought I was a homosexual.
That’s the kind of shit that you just can’t ever get over. When I meet someone new, I automatically wonder if he or she thinks I am gay, and I am 40+ years old.
I like to wear pink dress shirts too. I have noticed though there is a notion that black men can get away with wearing pink
Ha! Whenever I wear my pink shirt, I try to convince people I’m black; they don’t buy it. People can be so closed minded…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=in9SiDtJLaU
The first half’s for you, the second one for me.
Loved your article.
What I loved the most is that you got figured out, that you don’t feel like you have to apologize for anything that you do, or the way you act (okay, maybe you feel it still a tiny bit, but you don’t act on it). Especially the fact that you’re a straight guy, who isn’t homophobic and actually thinks “So what if I were. That is not a bad thing. At all. But I’m not.” Usually the straight guys that “look gay” (whatever that’s supposed to mean :rolleyes: ) try to prove to everyone that they’re not gay, by saying the worst homophobic slurs I’ve ever heard. (at least I hope that absence of you defending homosexuality doesn’t mean that you joined the immature jokes)
Never. I gave up on immaturity. That’s why I have, like, one friend.
Thanks for the comments!
Ex-gymnast and stage actor (my last character was actually a gay waiter), at 26 I can count my sexual partners on two thumbs. I don’t drink beer, I drink gin cocktails, I write poetry, and. That my current girlfriend lives in another country doesn’t help the assumptions that she’s “cover.”
And this is from people who like me! Excellent article, shared for sure.
“I can count my sexual partners on two thumbs.”
That’s great!
I always wanted to be a gymnast…man, they’re in good shape. But I realized how much work it entailed, so I took up skating instead. Beside, I’m too tall….yeah, that’s it….too tall.
I have a more progressive work place. There are a lot of people that are out. They don’t seem to be having problems. There have been issues that some people have had who were thought to be gay, but never came out (I don’t know if they were gay to begin with). One guy was in a department of women and believed that his female coworkers were out to get him. It’s weird that the guys who came out had less resistance than the ones who were suspected.
This is the only place I worked that has actual urinal dividers. One funny story was that the only bathroom that didn’t have a urinal divider was in the wing where everyone was female except for three men. There were two men’s rooms which I thought was a waste. They should have had three lady’s rooms. There are now four men in that wing and they have three men’s rooms and three lady’s rooms. What made this strange was that the door was angled so that if you walked out of the break room or the IS department you got a clear view of the urinal. The door also took several seconds to auto close. They seemed to have a problem with men looking at other men’s penises, but apparently not women. About 90% of the VPs are women including the VP of HR so that might explain it.
They put one in about a week after I was at the urinal when the door was opened and a female manager was passing by. I liked to think that she was scared because she never saw a three legged man before,
but it’s more likely that they know my rep when I think I’m being abused.
I think “None of your damn business” sums it up. I don’t understand why someone’s sexuality is anyone’s business!?! But then again I have to wonder if society, being more open to alternative life styles has caused people to be more comfortable with asking the question? Personally, sexuality is personal, what people do behind closed doors is their business and shouldn’t be something to qualify a person one way or another.
Goodness all these people talking about being constantly hit on by men – i have spent the last 4 years of my life trying to get that kind of attention and ‘nothing’ – i know it annoys you guys but you gotta know – on some level your lucky bastards – i can sympathise though i feel part of the problem is growing up with 2 older brothers in a neighbourhood full of knuckle dragging, quadrupedal nitwits – you learn to act straight – though i have never had many feminine tenancies – in fact femininity in men is something i find quite uncomforting – my point anyway is – its not just straight men being ignored because of femininity – as a gay man i feel my masculinity stunts my approachability
News flash, folks…being “gay” in the eyes of others has zip to do with whether you get off on men or women or house plants. Gender is performative, and in their eyes, you are underperforming.
Blow it off if you like, but understand that finding open minded people out there is harder than you think, and that often there is a high price to be paid for being yourself.
Well, I guess that makes ME one of the, what, .05% of men who didn’t get “laid” until my wedding night at age 26. Yes, I got the “I like you as a friend” etc. etc. routine all through high school and college, but what kept me going was that I knew that there is life after HS and college. I’ve been married for nearly 19 years now. I was (more than likely) thought to be gay in HS/college; was approached by 2 men who, once I politely told them I didn’t swing that way, we later became friends and the issue never surfaced again.
I will agree with Valter that you DO have to develop your “male side,” although that in itself is more about the traits that are attractive in both sexes, i.e. self-confidence, conviction and competence. The “macho” qualities I could not care less about, and that often sets me at odds in the region where I live, where hunting/fishing (neither of which I have a problem with, just not my thing anymore), sports (no problem with them in the abstract, I have just had an overall negative experience with coaches, athletes, etc.). I dress well (better than the average man in my area) and so I guess that 1 + 1+ 1 = GAY., so yeah as Paul said, it is hard to find open-minded people and yes there is a price to pay sometimes.