Jennifer Guinyard LMSW admits that a man lets you know when he’s not into you.
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It’s not me, it’s you…ok maybe it’s me.
Ever have that feeling that things are supposed to turn out a certain way based on how you feel in that exact moment? There is this magical moment where you feel like the stars align and you just know this is it!
Or is it?
Once upon a time I met a guy. I thought he was great. We hit it off immediately. And then he never called. I thought to myself…hmmm…that’s strange. Several months later he invites me to a BBQ. A glimmer of hope! He thought of me. I went only to find out that it was just that: a BBQ in which he invited many other people. Was he just being polite? It had to mean something. He clearly wanted to see me. So, I decided to corner him in the bathroom (politely) and tell him that I found his mixed messages “confusing”. His response: I do like you but I’m not ready to pursue anything at this point in my life right now. My response: I got extremely drunk and winded up sleeping with him that night. Well he never said anything about not wanting to pursue sex.
After that night, I didn’t hear from him. I began to feel panic. Was I just used? Clearly, the sex was as earth shattering for him as it was for me. Surely that’s enough to help him overcome his reservations about being in a relationship.
It wasn’t. I caved (because I don’t do well with ambiguity) I emailed him and told him that I had feelings and I wanted to try. His response: I want you in my life and I’m still willing to have sex with you but I can’t give you a commitment. I ignored his direct messages again and asked him out to dinner. He said yes. I told a girlfriend. She told me I was not paying attention to the very clear and direct messages he was giving me. I canceled the date. He said he was fine with it.
Fast forward a year later, I run into him at a birthday party. I play it cool. I casually say hi while reminiscing about his warm passionate kisses and the way he touched my body. Later on during the party he approached me and initiated a conversation. Next thing I know we are drinking wine trying to figure out how to solve the rubiks cube. Then we are kissing and I am so intoxicated with both passion and wine that I tell him how badly I want him and his response is “I’m scared.” A week later my girlfriend who has been this guys champion since the day I met him encourages me to ask him out on a picnic. He accepts. Is he being polite again? I don’t care. If he didn’t want to do it, then he would have said no. I tell myself it’s been a year and maybe things have changed even though clearly a week ago, he told me how scared he still was.
We have a picnic. It’s magic. We talk for hours. We lovingly stare at each other while we lay on the blanket soaking up the gorgeous sun. I don’t want it to end but I know our time is coming to an end. He tells me he doesn’t want to leave and invites me to get coffee. I’m elated. He’s scared but clearly things have changed! We have coffee, we connect. Again, I don’t want it to end. He suggests we get Indian food. I know then and there that I want to make love to him again. This guy gets me. We ride back (on his bike) to his place and order. A delightful meal turns into a full body massage followed by four hours of four play and then amazing passionate sex the next morning. Is this for real this time? Could this really be something?
He asks me what I’m doing the rest of the day and I tell him my plans. I’m impressed with how busy I am. I want him to know I have a life but I’m eager to incorporate him into it. I get ready to go. We casually talk about doing this “again” sometime. He doesn’t kiss me goodbye. I feel a twinge of fear. I suppress it. Several days go by. Radio silence. I have dinner with a friend who was at the party with us and I tell her about my dilemma. She tells me don’t give up! That he was staring at me at the party like I was the most beautiful woman in the room. I feel guilty about being annoyed with his behavior. She encourages me to send him a charming email. I do. Reluctantly…
He never responds. I make excuses. Maybe he didn’t receive it. Maybe he doesn’t check his email consistently. Maybe he’s dead. I start to panic. I speak to another girlfriend. She smirks. Just call him she suggests. WHAT?! This is not me. This is not who I am. I don’t pursue men. I don’t nudge them. Just CALL him! She says again. She is very persuasive. I call. It rings. It goes to an automatic voicemail. Damnit…I can’t even hear his voice. I’d take anything right now to ease the anxiety. I leave a message. I try to sound relaxed and not the least bit desperate.
The next day I am going about my business distracting myself from his silence when I surprisingly receive a text message from him. He apologizes for missing my call (how polite considering you didn’t answer my email) and that he is occupied with his daughter. He asks me how my trip to LA was. Omg, he remembered. What I told him didn’t go in one ear and out the other. I’m rejuvenated. Perhaps I was overreacting. I responded eagerly and approx. 45 minutes later and told him to call me so that he could tell me all about his trip to the Catskills. He never did.
Fast forward to now. I still haven’t heard from him. The ambiguity of the situation is mercilessly fucking with my head. What is going on? What is he thinking? What is he feeling? Is he feeling anything? I never pegged this person as a flake. He’s always been consistent at responding to me. Not so consistent at initiating it but hey he’s scared and I figured he’s worth it to just give a little nudge. Or so I thought. Now I’m only left with stolen moments. Tiny pieces of happiness that feel like broken glass under my feet. They hurt but yet feel so good.
I read a book once that said never has a relationship worked out with the woman pursuing the man. And for a long time, I believed it. I never pursued and often watched dead end relationships quickly dissipate. So what was it about this one? Was I vulnerable to the advice of others? Did I think that all the psychic readings I had gotten that year all pointed to him? Had I not been encouraged to pursue him, would I even feel as conflicted as I do or would I just have cut my losses and moved on? Am I fool or do I feel he’s worth it and I have nothing left to loose?
I’m still not sure where I stand and I’d be lying if I said that his silence wasn’t deafening and that it didn’t make me feel angry, neglected, and hurt. But it’s so open ended that it makes it so challenging to close that door. What if he comes back? What would I say? Would I lash out and demand an explanation or would I play it cool and act like nothing happened and that I was above his immature behavior? I’m not sure. I guess I won’t know until I’m in that position.
What I do know is that I was beginning to turn into someone that I didn’t like. I was getting angrier and bitter about relationships in general. His absence began to trigger my abandonment issues. I resented him for his hot and cold behavior and his ability to make love and then completely disassociate from me. I questioned why so many people were so fucked up and reckless with other people’s feelings. I became so angry that I started fantasizing about ways to hurt him. I thought about the things I could say to make him see how screwed up his actions were. I was in a dark place. But I wanted to get out…
And then I realized that it wasn’t all of his fault. Did I have a right to be angry and sad? Yes. But I also had to question whether it was his responsibility to change for me. He had been up front since day one that he didn’t want to be in a relationship. Did I somehow think that sleeping with him would change his mind? Did I think that him inviting me to a BBQ and then sleeping with me after obligated him to be my boyfriend? Did I think that him spending the entire day with me translated to I’m ready for this? His behavior certainly didn’t indicate that and he most definitely did not say it. The truth is, I interpreted his behavior into what I wanted it to mean although all evidenced pointed to the contrary. I wanted to believe that despite his reservations, he liked me enough to put himself out there again and that I could finally have my happy ending.
But that’s not the way this story went. And I came to the conclusion that I was really mad at myself. Mad that I once again convinced myself that actions didn’t speak louder than words. That tumultuous romances lit with passion and wrapped in tragedy were somehow alluring. But they aren’t and they usually end the same way. One person gets to continue going on as they were and the other is left unfulfilled.
I started to reframe my thinking and took responsibility for the role that I played in this whole mess. I came to the conclusion that his behavior is not want I wanted and I that I didn’t want to spend an inordinate amount of time investing in something that would never materialize into anything more than sex and stolen moments. I knew that I deserve to be loved and cherished, not ignored. The truth is it doesn’t matter what he is going through. What matters is how he is treating me as a human being and the reality is its not reflective of someone who values my feelings.
It hurts, but maybe it’s about time that I got honest with myself about what’s really going on here. I keep letting him in and he keeps disappointing me. If I were on the outside looking in and this was someone else’s situation, I know exactly what I would say. I would tell them to move on! Maybe it’s high time I listened to my own damn advice and came to the conclusion that as much as I may want it to be all him, it’s also me.
This was my happy ending.
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Photo Credit: Julian Alexander/Unsplash
“I read a book once that said never has a relationship worked out with the woman pursuing the man” How many psychiatrist does it take to change a light-bulb? One, but the light-bulb has to want to change. Books are there to be sold. If they are marketed right, tell us what we want to hear, they will sell, but they do not always help. My wife pursued me. She initiated. It worked because although I did not want to get back into a relationship I wanted to be in one with her. I did not want to be pushed… Read more »