You’ve made a choice that most men will never make or even contemplate. Be proud of that decision.
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To be honest, you’re right; I probably wouldn’t have changed my last name if I hadn’t met my wife. Initially, I didn’t want to do it. I fought back because just the thought of changing my name made me feel uncomfortable. I was nervous as fuck to tell anyone. But, I kept thinking about why, if I was asking her to take my last name, I wouldn’t be willing to do the same thing?
… combining our names represents our unity, and we both wanted to share a last name with our children.
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Our name was just as important to her as it was to me, and she wasn’t asking me to do something that she wasn’t prepared to do herself. Sure, we could have each kept our own name, but combining our names represents our unity, and we both wanted to share a last name with our children.
Our marriage has taught me that equality means giving both partners an equal say and living a life of selfless and thoughtful action. In a healthy relationship where you are growing spiritually and emotionally, you will be pushed to do things you’ve never considered. And, if your marriage is important enough, you’ll always make the best decision for you and your family regardless of what other people think.
Most men and women will never understand my decision, and that’s fine. People either support you or they don’t. It’s that simple. You get to choose who you spend your time with, and I don’t suggest wasting it with people who aren’t in your corner.
The following is a list of some of the least supportive comments I’ve heard since hyphenating my last name, and the reason that they’re ludicrous:
1. “You’ve betrayed your family.”
What are we saying about how we value women and their sense of identity?
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Do we tell women who change their last name that they’ve betrayed their family? No. We expect them to. What are we teaching young people by saying this? What are we saying about how we value women and their sense of identity?
2. “I’m traditional. I don’t believe in that.”
That’s awesome! Thanks for letting me know! I’m so glad the decision that we made as a family (which has no impact on you at all, like not even a little bit) inspired you to tell me your opinion. You know what else was traditional? Stoning people to death. Traditional roles often perpetuate a lack of social efficacy in young girls, which means that they stop believing in themselves socially and politically. Why do we want to ensure more than half of our population feels that way?
3. “You’ve given up your manhood.”
Not that “manhood” is defined by these things, but I’m still the same penis wielding, bodybuilding, beard growing, hiking, and soccer playing semi-bro I was before. Manhood means different things to different people. Plus, gender stereotypes are pretty harmful and exclusive.
4.”Only gay guys do this.”
This is problematic for two reasons. Firstly, I’m not sure what my name has to do with my sexual orientation. I am married to a woman, and I happen to identify as a cisgender, straight male. Secondly, this comment was said as if being or identifying as LGBTQ is a bad thing? This comment was so homophobic that hearing it made me happy that I was making a different choice than the guy who spewed it.
5. “You’re not a Donnelly anymore.”
I let her keep her name? Yeah, I’m just cool like that because I also let her go to work, spend time outside of the kitchen, wear pants, vote, and get paid 78% of what her male counterpart makes.
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Please refer to my last name: Marcus-Donnelly (← it’s right there). Both names are equally important. The order doesn’t matter at all. One last name, two awesome family heritages! For the record, Marcus-Donnelly sounded WAY better than Donnelly-Marcus. What if I had changed it altogether, would my shared family history be erased?
6. “No one will understand what your last name is.”
There are indeed other people on this planet that have a hyphenated last name! Can you pronounce Marcus? Can you pronounce Donnelly? Now say it with me.
It’s 2016 people, and yet, one of my favorite shitty comments is something my wife hears all the time: “Your husband is such a nice guy for letting you keep your last name.” I let her keep her name? Yeah, I’m just cool like that because I also let her go to work, spend time outside of the kitchen, wear pants, vote, and get paid 78% of what her male counterpart makes. I’m such a nice guy.
So, what have I learned since changing my last name? My fears were short-lived. I feel empowered. My partner feels empowered. I’ve learned to be more open to other beliefs, opinions, facts, and ideals. I’ve learned that every person will make decisions based on what’s best for them and their family. Take, keep, hyphenate, or create a new last name, it doesn’t matter as long as you’re happy. It’s not my place to judge. It’s not my business.
However, if you are thinking about changing your name, I want you to prepare for reality. I’m sorry that you probably won’t receive the support that you hope for and deserve. I’m sorry for the unnecessary pain you have to endure during such an exciting time in your life. I’m sorry that your friends will make fun of you and say that they’re just joking, but it will never be funny. I’m sorry that your family will say they support your decisions and that they love you, but won’t honor your new last name. I’m sorry they’ll avoid the conversation because they can’t show support. I’m sorry that those who should be celebrating one of the most beautiful moments in your life won’t celebrate your new family. I’m sorry that those closest to you will be the ones to hurt you the most. And, I’m deeply sorry for the women who don’t even get to have this conversation.
But, I’m here to tell you that if you make this decision with the right person, you will find happiness. You’ve made a choice that most men will never make or even contemplate. Be proud of that decision. Be proud of your family. You’ve shown so much strength in doing so. At the end of the day, it’s our actions that matter the most.
Fist Bump,
Josh Marcus-Donnelly
#TeamMarcDon
This article originally appeared on The Huffington Post
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Photo courtesy of author.
What the heck it’s a free country. Ignore the naysayers, it’s like homophobia; they’re just projecting their insecurities. But you already knew that.
Attempting to diminish the reality that men face, once again, by both twisting the conversation back to women, and justifying doing so by “millions of years of suffering” is not going to change anything, but further motivate men to fight, and drive us further from unified acceptance of men’s rights and the egalitarian society that we men were promised if we supported women. We did, we do, time to pay up. I’ve been trying to be polite, but allow me to make this perfectly clear. I don’t give a flying fuck about women’s issues that existed before most of these… Read more »
The above was directed at Erin, just fell out of sequence.
I’m sorry, Sir. You’re drunk. Perhaps on the milquetoast left coast, this might be a “thing,” but not in the mainstream. Hopefully, it never will be. I’m about to get married for the second time to the best girl I have ever known. She still has her first husband’s name and can’t wait to get rid of it for mine. Her grown kids are happy for the traditional move. I like the fringe, alternative thinking, but it isn’t manly. It weakens his role as a leader of the family. Men and women are indeed a partnership, but it’s simple folly… Read more »
Milquetoast har har haven’t heard that one in a long time. Don’t project your feelings of inadequacy on us. Come out here and say that to my veteran face punk. Yeah I knew you’d decline the invite.
His entire point is that there is nothing to weaken. They are a equals. Your fundamental idea of a foundation for a life partner is based on the ability to stay away from, in your words, your “role as a leader.” How does your wife feel about a “partnership” With you as leader of the family? A position so crucial to your ability to be a man. But it’s so fragile a simple hyphen and ABC’s would see this coveted and vital to harmony come crashing to the ground? Phew. Sounds exhausting to keep up.
Put me in with the poster that objects to the 78% number and how it is repeatedly used without clear and proper context. It’s out of place and taints your good column. However, and I’ve made this known to prospective partners, I’m very clear on my feelings about this subject. If she buys me a ring, then gets down on one knee and proposes–and I accept–then I will happily change my name to hers. No hyphenated name. I’ll take hers–full stop–without question or complaint. (Although I certainly will respect if she doesn’t want that.) But hey, if she wants to… Read more »
Your wife is not getting paid 78 on the buck. No woman is, so don’t worry about that one. At this time young women are now graduating 2 to 1, and out-earning young men. We are where women once were with that also.
There is only one legitimate argument here, that a man has given up hiis last viable right as a man in marriage, and can now be defined conclusively as chattel with no authority, identity, or rights. He is, what women once were.
The good news is that this will eventually not matter as men’s individual rights regarding sex, marriage and reproductive freedom come to fruition. At that point marriage will be the equal partnership that we were promised, and this will be a none issue, a matter of choice.
Men (and women) face their fair share of struggles in marriage, in relationships, in the world at large. But I’m not sure it’s entirely fair to say that men are currently facing the same history of oppression women had to go through *now* at this point in time. And suggesting that’s true, rather undermines the history of oppression women faced for millions of years. Not that that has anything to do with Josh’s really nice piece to recongnize and respect his wife (and like-wise her showing respect for Josh) by them hyphenating their names. And the reality is DJ, that… Read more »