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I was talking to a client recently about his personal life. He came to me wanting to know what true love was like. He’s 43, European, smart and successful. He dreams of meeting the right woman, but like many people, he has considered giving up on the dream of the “happily ever after.”
His asking me about true love wasn’t just to satisfy a curiosity. He was really asking me if it’s still possible, or worth it, to keep looking, even though all his recent attempts had ended in failure. In short, he wants to know if he can start trusting his heart out there in the world. He wants the courage to deal with vulnerability and possible rejection, which becomes more terrifying the deeper you go.
The ability to trust is necessary for love because you’re building something that is meaningful, knowing full well that if it disappeared, it would destroy you. There is no short cut to having faith in yourself and giving your trust to someone else. You only develop when you grow and know yourself, but there are shortcuts to sabotaging your progress.
Here’s a short checklist of what to do if you want to stay unloved and unfulfilled — along with suggestions on how to avoid that, if you should change your mind:
(Avoiding) Fear:
If you want a relationship that never scares you, then get a plant. Seriously, love means giving your heart to someone. It means taking a chance and being willing to face the consequences. If you’re looking for a person who will never make you feel afraid, then you’re not ready for a relationship. Sit with what scares you when you’re alone and start there. It doesn’t mean you have to be alone forever but once you can face your fear on your own, then you’re better equipped to face it with someone else. Besides, embracing a tiny bit of fear can not only be exhilarating, but once you face it, it can help you face life more fully.
Reinforcing Old Patterns in New People:
Baggage and patterns, we all have them. The trick is not unpacking them on someone. It’s one thing to say “hey, I’ve been hurt in this way and sometimes I still having trouble making peace with that.” It’s another to hold the current person in your life hostage to your worst experiences. Maybe you got cheated on and lied to. It sucks. It hurts and can take time to get over that pain. Find what’s already good in the person you’ve chosen or let them go. Putting your partner on trial repeatedly for another person’s crime is a good way to encourage that behavior. In short, if all you see is the bad, your new partner might show it too.
Emotional Affairs:
First, you may be wondering what on earth they are, and why they happen. Well, it goes like this: You’re seeing someone. You’re one of the lucky people who has moved from searching for a relationship to having one, but you have a secret something extra. Perhaps it’s a side of yourself that you keep away from the main person because you fear they can’t handle it. Perhaps you don’t want them to judge you. Whatever it is, you take this juicy part of your life, and find someone else to share it with. You start building a secret bubble with someone besides your partner.
Now, I’m a big believer in sharing intimacy with more than just your partner. It’s not for everyone, I know: for some, it’s a valid and ethical choice. But there’s a difference between being in an ethical open relationship, sharing parts of yourself with those you love, and secretly saving a portion of your heart for someone else. It’s a form of relationship theft, and it can deplete your relationship as fast as physical cheating, because it robs your relationship from the inside.
The best way to avoid this situation? Give who you are as fully as you can, and learn to aim your desire for intimacy where you want it to grow. Your partner may leave, but at least they’ll know you for you. When you aim your intimacy outside of your relationship, it’s easier to get the approval you want — and a big part of that is because people outside of your relationship don’t have much to lose.
Jealousy:
Too often, we hear that jealousy proves emotional investment, but in reality, it often serves to tear couples apart. The more time you spend getting worked up because other people appreciate your partner, the less time you’re aware that they’re with you. This isn’t to say the feeling should be totally ignored. Jealousy can be used constructively, it just rarely is. The usual reaction to feelings of jealousy is to criticize the partner who made us feel them, but you can flip that on its head. I suggest trying a different technique: get curious. Find out more about your partner, and what it is that makes them so irresistible to others — you may find you see your partner in a whole new light.
The fact of the matter is, people change, and relationships change us, too. The more you keep an open mind about your partner — this person you already know and love, but who will grow into a more mature version of themselves — the better you become at building a future with them. After all, who doesn’t want to be with someone who can reflect the beauty of what exists and the beauty what’s emerging?
Isn’t that what building a future is all about?
This story has been republished to Medium.
image credit: iStock