Jason Hairston explains how constricted masculinity damages male relationships
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Growing up in the city, I quickly learned how male vulnerability leads to questions about your manhood. There was constant pressure to prove you were “tough enough.” Many of my classmates would act out of character to create a tougher image of themselves. No one wanted to risk being characterized as “soft” or a “punk.” Fortunately, I was lucky to have a strong father who taught me the importance of standing up for myself. He showed me that love was part of the definition of manhood. It was obvious that most of the kids I knew did not have this kind of male role model in their lives. I was lucky.
Patriarchy aims to suppress (both consciously and unconsciously ) feminine “energy” in both women and men, creating generations of men that equate expressing love and pain as signs of weakness. Stereotypical masculinity is the most obvious gender performance for men, which means many men suppress their feminine side, including qualities such as compassion, cooperation, emotional honesty and creativity. This emotional suppression warps who we truly are as boyfriends, husbands, fathers and sons.
Male peer pressure creates boys who hold back emotions to protect themselves from being judged. Eventually, the accumulating emotional pain reaches a boiling point, overflows and ultimately manifests itself in the form of violence. This violence is encouraged by many people as the best way to resolve problems. Many boys do not learn emotional intelligence skills early on. Instead, they’re encouraged to “man up” to defend a particular type of masculinity, which fuels their aggression. This common dysfunctionality bleeds into men’s relationships with women. Whereas many women want to connect with men on a deeper emotional level, the process is strained when a man lacks the experience of embracing his emotions and expressing himself. This denial of self-expression leads many men to live their lives in an emotional coma.
So how do men break this vicious cycle of emotional disequilibrium and violence? In the context of both culture and relationships, the key is for all of us (men and women) to take on the responsibility of redefining manhood. We should no longer allow the media to define it for us.
It is important for women to know how they can assist in helping men wake up from this emotional coma by doing the following things:
1. Stop supporting and looking for machismo and violence in a man.
2. Stop labeling men who express pain or who ask for help as weak
3. Choose to nurture a man with an open heart and support his goals of becoming a complete human being
It is important for men to know how they can assist each other in breaking this emotional coma cycle by doing the following things:
1. Stop ridiculing other men for expressing their emotion, compassion and pain. Instead, support complex masculinity
2. Stop equating manhood to violence
3. Choose to be completely open with women by being fully present and emotionally available
4. Support and encourage creativity in men
If Jesus were alive today, would we call him a “punk” or “soft” for expressing unconditional love? If Martin Luther King or Mahatma Gandhi were alive today, would we chastise them for advocating love and renouncing violence? Ironically, we celebrate the lives of these powerful men but choose to castrate those who attempt to walk in their footsteps.
We can create a stronger community for our families if all men choose to embrace our feminine traits along with our masculine ones. When this happens, positive competition transforms into a desire to be better and more complete humans being for the sake of the entire group instead of for self-gain. The expression of emotional pain becomes acknowledged and nurtured instead of ridiculed. An expression of love starts to be recognized as strength instead of weakness.
If we want a better world with better relationships, we first have to work toward being better—and more complete—individuals.
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image credit: Flickr/William Brawley
Well said, Jason. Both men and women suffer when either one of them is not free to be their true selves. Although the feminist movement has been successful in expanding women’s choices, the same has not yet happened for men. Without men being allowed to express their “feminine” qualities, not only do they suffer, so do their marriages and children. Thanks for your list of tips. I will share!
I tend to think that the male holding in complex feelings while exhibiting aggression was more likely to survive (and reproduce) over the history of our species. Perhaps the men who have difficulty empathizing are simply being true to their nature, being descendants of those guys?
I thought this article was great however I would argue that expressing love is not feminine or masculine but a human condition. Being nurturing,protective, compassionate, etc is not feminine or masculine for some reason it has started to be viewed this way by society. Masculinity and Femininity are entirely made up concepts and incredibly constrictive for both men and women.
“. . . many men suppress their feminine side, including qualities such as compassion, cooperation, emotional honesty and creativity.” – the author himself asserts that such positive characteristics as compassion and creativity are feminine. Thanks for contributing to the problem. These characteristics are not gendered. It’s frustrating that feminism, a movement ostensibly aimed at equality, presents such absurd caricatures of the genders. Compassion and cooperation are framed as innately “feminine” attributes, and violence and domination as “masculine” attributes. Sometimes looking at an issue through the lens of gender can provide insight, but over-application of this lens creates more issues than… Read more »
@Steve I agree. Let’s break the cycle! Happy New Year!!!
Great article, Jason.
I love the “DO the following” parts. I believe that men thinking, talking, and ACTING in the ways you describe is the most effective way to break the cycle. Role models create more role models, and so on….
Men and women have the choice to set expectations and lead the charge. It’s important to not wait for someone else to start the momentum.
Thanks and Happy New Year!