Control the Anger or Lose the Relationship

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About Steven Lake

Steven Lake is an author, speaker and relationship coach.
His book, The Sex Formula: How to Calculate Sexual Compatibility
can be seen at
Contact author at TheRelationshipGuy.


  1. Good stuff Dr.However,sometimes it is impossible or unproductive to have a discussion and one needs to be able to AND know when to simply walk away.Lets be honest,most of us are not good communicators.We deny,manipulate,hide our true feelings and nature and play all sorts of headgames.Folks such as yourself pay a pretty penny to learn how to communicate.Besides that,therapy is expensive, time consuming,and is no guarantee.If one is married it makes much more sense to make the kind of investment you are talking about.

    • Hi Ogwriter: Just because it is difficult to have the challenging talks and we may not have the best skills going, does not mean we should give up our attempts. And yes, repeating the same old responses will keep getting us the same old results so . . . the answer lies in doing something different. What? Anything and it does not have to be expensive (your education). A book or Youtube video should give you some ideas. My communication education was a long process but I eventually made it (and continue to practice on a daily basis). As for walking away, sometimes that is the only solution. Aristotle had something to say about expressing anger: Anyone can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not easy.

  2. Anger is an excuse for, rather than a cause of, abusive behavior. We all feel angry. We don’t all choose to abuse because we’re angry. I appreciated you pointing out that abusers will choose opportunities based on risk assessment. Another example: They choose to destroy another person’s property, even when their own things are within reach, during “uncontrollable fits of rage.”

  3. You Dr. ,I think perhaps, it is worth noting that comparative brain designs of men and women reveal that men have larger brain centers,in the amygdala, for muscular action and aggression. This is an essential quality to have for mate and self protection.That being said,it may be helpful to understand such things in order better develop a strategy to control such impulses.I am not suggesting that biology be used as an excuse.I am saying simply that employing the power of choice and or free will to overcome a potential anger problem isn’t enough.It would be useful,I believe,to add passive aggressive anger to this list of behaviors that should be curbed in relationships.You mentioned how the husband used angry outburst to control his wife.There are many ways people use to control others.

  4. Very good stuff, it is what happening with every person. Anger is controllable but people don’t take a chance to control themselves until they suffered with their anger. However managing anger is not that much easy but if you practice wholeheartedly you will succeed. Thank you.


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