Dr. Steven Lake explains how understanding the difference between sex, sensuality and love will improve your love life.
—-
The Problem
Have you ever been in a relationship where for the first three, six, or even twelve months, the sex is great? Then, one day something happens and the sex is just not as available. You scratch your head and wonder what happened. What happened is that she now feels secure in the relationship and is demonstrating her real sexual needs and desires. This can be a major shock to the system, especially if her needs are dramatically different than yours. How do we get back to the sweet spot?
Sex, Sensuality and Love
As a society, we tend mix up these three concepts. Even more important, men and women have a different understanding of what these concepts mean.
Sex and Men
A short word for a complex physical process originally designed to get sperm inside women for the purpose of procreation. Sex can take a few seconds or last for hours depending on time and circumstances. Because sex feels good, men like to get as much of it as possible. Men are very clear about this. Chocolate only comes into the equation when we use it during sex – not as a substitute for sex.
Men have a reputation for not taking enough time for foreplay. There are several practical reasons for (straight) men to take their time during this stage of the sexual drama. Women are generally slower to arouse and foreplay allows them to warm up, which leads to lubrication of the vaginal walls. Another reason is that foreplay can increase the overall intensity of the sexual act. Sometimes, especially with a new person or when you haven’t seen your partner for a while, old fashioned lust and urgency can eliminate the need for foreplay without any negative effects. As you can tell from the description, so far, this is a traditional male perspective of sex. It’s simple and biological.
Sex and women
This is a whole different ball game. To begin with, the statistics for women and orgasms are just plain depressing. The majority of women don’t experience an orgasm through vaginal intercourse. Only about half even have an orgasm. That means half of women out there don’t know what the hell men are talking about when they say sex is great. In a way, it’s almost unfair that men can have an orgasm anywhere, anytime and with so little fuss. My suspicion is that a lot of women are faking it. If this sounds strange, check out Fay Weldon and her book What Makes Women Happy where she advises faking orgasms.
Men are faced with a rather bleak reality. There is a strong chance that your partner is either unsatisfied, lying to you about it, or both. And if you think you’re such a stud because she screams real loud, watch When Harry met Sally and then talk to me.
Why is it that men can reach orgasm in seconds and most women can’t get there through intercourse and those who can . . . take a while? One explanation is that male and female orgasm was once perfectly in sync during the prehistoric period, and that it was through male dominated cultures that female sexuality was repressed. Why you ask? The short answer is that historically, men were afraid of sexually powerful women and in order to control them, many cultures found ways to eliminate female sexual pleasure. Women who enjoy sex were “whores” and “wives,” important for bearing children, not for enjoying sex. Unfortunately, I still see this dynamic in my practice on a regular basis.
One way to improve this state of affairs is to empower the woman in your life (and/or give her the space to empower herself). You can support her in throwing off the shackles of oppression and getting in touch with her power, including sexual power. Think of it as releasing the passion within.
Another difference I have witnessed over the years is that women want intimacy to have sex and men have sex to be intimate. There is a lesson for men in that statement. Take the time to create intimacy first and then the possibilities of sex increase dramatically. Each woman is unique in terms of what she defines as intimacy, so communicate and find out what works for her.
You may think that this is all a lot of work, but it really isn’t. There is a little up front effort required, but once you know what she likes sexually and what she considers intimate – you’re home free. Not a whole lot of thinking.
For women reading this, you may be asking, “where is the love?” I’d argue that love grows when both partners are getting what they need. Then, through time, the possibility of love presents itself. Eventually, the man may even want intimacy first, then sex. This “maturing” process tends to happen when men feel secure in the relationship, with their sexuality, and with themselves.
Sensuality
The Oxford Dictionary defines sensual as “of sense or sensation, depending on the senses, carnal, fleshy . . . voluptuous . . . and given to the pursuit of sensual pleasures or gratification of the appetites.” Someone who is sensual is in touch with his or her aliveness. In this intellectualized world that we live in, a sensual person stands out and catches our eye.
Many men idealize sensuality and want sensual women—women in touch with their physical senses. Why? Because a woman in touch with sensation is easily aroused. A woman who is in touch with her senses makes for a better partner in bed.
Love
There are many types of love. There is love we have for our children, parents, siblings, and love for our partners. The Oxford Dictionary definition is rather simple. It describes love as “warm affection, attachment, liking, or fondness.” When thinking of love, most of us envision something bigger than mere “fondness.” Heck, I can be “fond” of a pet mouse. The word “love” is different. It invokes images of rapture. Love is a large, unbounded experience of feelings encompassing the body, heart, and soul.
The above description of love can attack a twelve-year old boy or an eighty-year old man. Love’s arrow is indiscriminate and can pierce through any armor. Ecstatic love has been put down of late and described as immature, or being in lust, or under the influence of pheromones.
And yet we crave this experience and understand it as more than just biology. Most of us have felt the passion of love, whether it was for the girl across the classroom who didn’t know we even existed, our first girlfriend, or our current partner—at least at the beginning of the relationship. And if we lose that feeling, we naturally want to rekindle it. Love is like a flame we find difficult to live without—a beacon for the hopes and dreams of our relationship. Love warms our heart and eases our spirit. It is when all three elements come together (sex, sensuality and love), that the opportunity for spiritual and emotional ecstasy exists. Don’t settle for less.
—-
Image Credit: Flickr/jamz196
What do you say about women who want more sex than their male partners? You seem to think they don’t exist, but actually there are lots of women who want more sex than men, they just don’t admit it because it’s against stereotypes.
True! This is me, but I’m not afraid to admit it. Women seem to be afraid to ask for what they want or are embarrassed or whatever, which is a huge reason women are left disappointed in bed.
I agree about your point about some women not speaking up. I’ve met a few who put on a happy face in public and are privately miserable.
On the other hand, I’m sure I’m not the only man who doesn’t complain in public/social circles about being disappointed in bed. Stereotypes or no, it’s embarrassing for one’s partner, male or female, I’d think.
Aaaagreed. I have a really high sex drive, higher than any partner I’ve had. If they can’t keep up i move on. I don’t have a tendency to stick it out in relationships because i’m upfront with what i want and need. If he can’t provide it….it’s not worth my time. Life is too short to be unhappy.
Oh my God! I have never read such a load of tosh! Dr Steven Lake? A medical doctor? Or a PhD in useless, dated, cliched clap-trap? Women do not stop having great sex “once they become secure in a relationship”. It’s more likely that the time pressures of family life mean both partners are neglecting the psychological foreplay that is necessary in order to have a great sex life. And by that I mean the being nice to each other, having time for each other, romance, talking and intimacy that are all prevalent at the beginning of a good relationship.… Read more »
Man, this covers a lot of territory. I believe men must educate themselves in female anatomy and sexual response (same for their women, about men) What actually works for a particular woman to achieve orgasm is highly variable and individual. In the “LTR/married sex” realm, it’s generally safe to generalize that emotional safety and trust are prerequisites. It’s generally safe to say that when she responds favorably to a certain rhythm/motion/pressure/touch…keep doing that with the SAME pace. Too many guys read sex tips and go into every session starting with “writing the alphabet” with their tongue on the clit because… Read more »
Hi Steven It is hard for me to understand what you mean when you say: ✺” Then, one day something happens and the sex is just not as available. You scratch your head and wonder what happened. What happened is that she now feels secure in the relationship and is demonstrating her real sexual needs and desires”✺ Do you actually say that all the good sex in the beginning was a lie,because women faked and on day she suddenly is secure enough to be honest, and she kicks you out of bed( sex is not as available)? I do not… Read more »
Hi Iben: To answer your question – my description of sex being frequent in the first part of the relationship and then slowing down (OK, maybe not stopping) is not a description of all relationships but is, I believe, not that uncommon. I base this on both my experience and that of my friends. Does this mean women are deceiving us? Depends on who you are talking to. I am not a conspiracy buff so I choose to think it is a result of the “heat of the moment,” biological imperatives, and, as I said in the article, an unfolding… Read more »
That sounds anything but loving and funny.
Iben, the technique is to make a soft landing on each stroke with your pubic bone on the clitoris directly. This usually works sooner or later with women who’ve been previously anorgasmic from intercourse. Some (fewer) women need a firmer landing. A pretty surefire method is also to use one or two fingers on the clitoris in the T-position with her legs over your thighs. I suspect Atypical is one of the ladies for whom vaginal sensations translate easily to the clitoris. Speed doesn’t seem to bother this type, and they may come constantly. I think fewer women are like… Read more »
I like how you automatically assume my partners have been “schooled by porn.” It’s about being comfortable with them and them knowing what they’re doing. It sounds like you’ve been schooled by porn moreso than my partners…
Why is it that men can reach orgasm in seconds and most women can’t get there through intercourse and those who can . . . take a while? One explanation is that male and female orgasm was once perfectly in sync during the prehistoric period, and that it was through male dominated cultures that female sexuality was repressed. Why you ask? The short answer is that historically, men were afraid of sexually powerful women and in order to control them, many cultures found ways to eliminate female sexual pleasure Wait a sec… Are you actually saying that the location of… Read more »
You might try to make an evolutional argument for that. Sexual selection for sexually unresponsive women and so forth … but that sounds utterly ridiculous.
Hi FlyingKal Take a look at a good anatomical illustration of the parts of the clit we can not see. It circles the vagina like thin donut and it also stretched two long arms down along both pubic lips . Like what we in my country call look like a happiness bone on the chicken. A huge V. So the area with nerve ending is large. But think of the large percentage of women on the pill. The pill makes you less amorous. And in addition we now also have a huge groups of women on anti depressants. We have… Read more »
Hi Iben,
You’re misunderstanding.The issue is not how or where the clitoris is located (or whether or not I, specifically, am aware of that). But whether it has been relocated from an ancient time where once the male and female orgasm was once perfectly in sync, and if so, the patriarchy somehow is to blame for that…
Also, whether half the female population is using hormonal (lust-decrasing) contraceptions or anti-depressant, is that statistics anywhere useful in explaining my partner’s lack of lust, since she wasn’t using either?
I don’t know how scientist can find out how our bodies soft tissue looked like 50000 years ago.
But something happens to humans bodies over time.
Skeletons from Viking graves show that men and women’s skeletons were so similar at that time that it impossible to see any difference. That that was only 1000 years ago.
But if evolution selected women it was easy for men to control , then I am not surprised . But it has little to do with the location of the clitoris.
Hi Iben, “Skeletons from Viking graves show that men and women’s skeletons were so similar at that time that it impossible to see any difference. ” I’m gonna need some reference on that, because I’ve been pretty sure that there’s a number of significant differences that makes it pretty easy to tell a female and a male skeleton from each other, even if they are several millennias old. “But if evolution selected women it was easy for men to control , then I am not surprised .” Then again, there was a study a while ago, that was discussed here… Read more »
Hi FlyingKal
viking skeleton facts are published this year on
http://www.sciencenordic.com or forskinig.no
i do not have time to find them today. But why should I lie to you?
typo
forskning.no
Even the pelvis bones? So the men had wide childbearing hips? Or they died out due to the death rate in childbirth?
You’re doing it wrong. For one thing, most men (if this article is to be believed, and I don’t think it should be) aren’t doing the prep. That means a lot of sensuality exercises, back stroking etc. Cunnilingus nearly every time is pretty mandatory. Do it for a while, not just a bit. No, making love to a woman is not, and shouldn’t be, about fellatio. Yes, if that turns her on, by all means. If you’re having intercourse in missionary, curl yourself in at the bottom of each stroke to favor the clitoris. Go slow. Contrary to what you… Read more »
The author comes across as well-meaning, wooden and a little old-fashioned in his approach. I think Hank’s heading in the right direction. Paying attention to making things feel good is the whole point (why bother otherwise?) although the heart should ideally lead (sex isn’t an intellectual exercise) – for both, naturally. Remember mutuality? Shouldn’t be total news to literate people born in the modern era. I recently read, and have to agree, that it doesn’t take longer for a woman to orgasm than it does for a man, provided the right kind of stimulation happens. That is of course absolutely… Read more »
I’ve noted that some of the women who like doggie also like speed. It’s probably been my personal preference to avoid it because I blur out and can’t feel anything going fast. I’ve noticed that it seems like you can feel what’s going on in your partner’s body at slower speeds also. I don’t think this is imagination and it works both ways. That’s when people say, “Hey, wasn’t that psychic.” That’s when they both change to a new thing at the same time without saying anything.
Being on top is awful, mostly because it hurts, slow sex is worthless and from behind is great. But how would i know, I’m just a sexually active female who orgasms nearly every time i have sex….
I think the real key is not being a wuss about asking your partner for what you really want. If you’re comfortable with them (and yourself) none of this should be an issue.
You’re probably an Aries.
Because…that’s relevant. I’m a capricorn but I’m also a scientist, meaning I don’t believe in that garbage.
Maybe it’s important to match each others sexual tastes? Cowgirl,Missionary, lazy dog are the order of my wifes preferences …… 10-15 cuddle/makeout with/without cunnilingus/fellatio as warm-up…