There are a million things men love about their wives besides their beauty. Lady Chatterley encourages us to share those things here
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A few weeks ago, I wrote a piece here on the Good Men Project entitled “Can We Stop With the Happy Wife, Happy Life?” In it, I argued that the tired cliché about the “Happy Wife Happy Life,” still rolls off the tongue in wedding speeches. It is not only irritating and old-fashioned, but is also a poor and unrealistic foundation for a successful marriage. The response to my piece was a resounding YES! Marriage is about teamwork, a partnership where happiness is equally important for both partners. Common sense, really.
Last week, my husband emailed me this Huffington Post article with the subject line “So I guess punching above my weight pays off then, hey?” I could hear tires screeching inside my head. According to the article, the cliché for a happy marriage is no longer “happy wife, happy life” at all. Oh no, ladies and gentleman. It’s PRETTY wife, happy life. Or happy marriage, to be more precise.
According to the article, a recent study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology drew on work from four separate longitudinal studies. In the beginning of each study, each couple’s physical attractiveness was rated by the other couples. Each spouse also reported her or his individual levels of marital satisfaction over the first four years of marriage.
The husbands whose wives scored higher on the aesthetic group rating were more satisfied at the beginning of their marriage and generally remained that way over the next four years. Additionally, it was found that the husbands’ physical attractiveness had absolutely no effect on the reported happiness of their wives. Simply put: men care more about the looks of their spouses than women do.
But rather than dwelling too much on the results of this study, which frankly are a little depressing (and which seem to reinforce the male stereotype of prizing female beauty above other qualities), I’m going to use these results as an opportunity to turn the conversation over to the men.
Sure, physical attraction can and often does play a large part in what draws two people together. And yet, it’s those other qualities, the deeper, idiosyncratic layers of a person that make you say “THIS is the one.” Physical attraction is often just one element of what creates the right sexual and emotional chemistry in a relationship.
When I asked my husband what he loves about me besides my body, he said that I make him laugh (both unintentionally and intentionally) and that he loves how gentle and compassionate I am. Good answer, love.
So, apart from your wife’s beautiful eyes or other favourite body part, what characteristics do you adore about her? Is it her kindness? Her intelligence? Her sense of humour? The way she smells?
I’d love for you to share your comments below.
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image credit: Flickr/DOCUGLAM + FASHION ACTITUD
other articles by Lady Chatterley:
Can We Stop with the “Happy Wife, Happy Life”?
I Love You but You Don’t Complete Me
Hi,
I’m still curious (see my comment from Dec 2nd)
What traits in their husbands did have an effect on the reported happiness of the wives?
Why is it that some women insist on telling men what they should or should not like?
Men are happier if they have a more attractive mate. Why is this surprising or even require study? And what’s depressing about this reality? For men, physical attraction is the starting point for any relationship. So yes, men do prize beauty over everything else. That shouldn’t be depressing. That should be an acceptance of basic biology.
Women want to be valued for more then how they look. Just how men want to be valued for more then the amount of money they make. I think physical attraction is a starting point for alot of men and women. I think it’s biological for both. But we are a heck of a lot more then just biology. And today’s standards of physical attractiveness can be pretty extreme to the point where many men adopt unrealistic expectations that make them unable to relate to the beauty of regular women. This includes messages from women’s body size to the ageism… Read more »
makes perfect sense, if the woman is hot enough and puts out enough, I’ll put up with all kinds of overbearing, deameaning, and catty behaviour from her without blinking an eyelid.
If she’s ugly i won’t even talk to her, let alone ask her out.
My wife’s looks are important to me. The important bit is that she feels good about herself, making her whole being light up. I genuinely think she looks gorgeous. She she never wears make up, but she likes to dress well and to be well groomed – something we have in common. She asked me if I wanted her to dye her hair now that greys are coming through, but I’d like her to accept this as part of what makes her look like her. Now I’m not judging other people’s choices here. My point is that what makes my… Read more »
I love my wife’s character most. Her honesty, overall intelligence, her being just makes her lovely in my eyes.
A measurement of the quality of a marriage at 4 years is really not telling us much. Lets measure things at 10 years or so and the baby is sick and you haven’t been out of the house for 3 days. Looks helps but there is so much more needed. My wife is and has been by best friend for a zillion years now and its one of things I have always valued most. Your partner needs to be sober, honest, reliable, willing to listen, funny and you must must have some common goals. Otherwise, what’s the point? And just… Read more »
Well, everything, really. One of the first things that impressed me was the way she moved – her personality is larger than her body and it shows. Also her enthusiasm about everything, and the way she drew my attention to wondrous things that I otherwise would have missed. After we were married I appreciated her acceptance of my idiosyncrasies, her refusal to nag me, her willingness to spend time working things out so we both get what we want. The fact that I can have an intelligent conversation with her about anything, and that she learns as much from me… Read more »
Lady Chatterly This must be a reflection of the American society? I wonder if men married to women using burkas feel the same way. They do not have their wife on display all the time and do not have to care if other men envy them or not. Studies like this makes me depressed. What I fear seems to be true. …… ✺”There are lots of reasons why people stay together, and lots of reasons why people are committed to each other,” Karney said. “So it would be an exaggeration to say, ‘Well, no woman should ever marry a man… Read more »
@Iben, Hello Iben! You write, “This must be a reflection of the American society?” Yes, it very much is Iben. It is sad. But, we Americans really lack depth. We really have pretty shallow views of things. Our focus is on silly reality shows……You have unattractive, but alpha, men who are able to attract beautiful women. But, there is little love or sexual attraction from the women. But, these foolish men are happy! How one can be happy with a person who merely see you as her bank I do not know. Usually, many of these women have lovers on… Read more »
This particularly result implies nothing good. Feminist Social theories suggest that traditionally men avoid deep connections with women, and traditionally women are given little choice, hence the woman’s outer beauty is the most important thing. Note here when they say “physical attractiveness” they don’t mean anything related to how you feel about each other, but rather how a bunch of strangers feel about you. They went to significant lengths of take beauty out of the eye of the beholder. Then somehow either the woman being conventionally attractive makes the man happier AND the woman happier. Unless having an awesome marriage… Read more »
Thanks for all the lovely contributions! Keep them coming 🙂
LC x
Here are my contributions:
I love it when my wife makes up words, when she holds my hand in her sleep, when she kisses our dogs and dances out of the blue. I also love the freckles on her lips, her ears that look slightly elfish to me, the way she talks when she’s happy, her fascination with forensic anthropology, the way she laughs with her family.
I love my wife’s humor and smile. Her love of life and sense of adventure. She is patient , inquisitive and resourceful. Most importantly, she is my best friend!
I agree that 4 years is not a lot of time. There isn’t enough space to list the characteristics I adore about my wife and now that you’ve thrown up in your mouth, I have to say that after 38 years, there truly is too much to list. I love her laugh, her craziness and the fact that she is sentimental. She still has every letter I wrote to her when we were dating. I love how she makes people feel comfortable. I love her unwavering devotion to our marriage. I love how she’s there for me every moment of… Read more »
LC,
You say,
“Physical attraction is often just one element of what creates the right sexual and emotional chemistry in a relationship.”
I agree 100%. I really cannot understand men who want ‘trophy’ wives when I is obvious to even a fool these women do not love them. I guess they (trophy wives) make these guys happy.
Unfortunately, they also make the yoga guy, the fitness trainer, and the tennis coach happy too. Just saying.
It should be noted that the term “hotwife” is also often used to describe a woman for whom the husband has chosen to be a cuckold. Most often, the wife is talked into having sex with other men in front of the husband, who more or less creates his own porn by doing this. Frequently, this involves “race play, ” where the other male or males are of a race other than the husband. I have done a presentation at this phenomenon at a sociological meeting. FTR, it’s not something I have a personal interest in trying, and it does… Read more »
So, what do I adore about my wife other than her looks? That’s an easy one! Her Kindness and Honesty.
Also, her ability to laugh easily and often. I’ve spent a good portion of my life trying to make her laugh, I love it so , it’s like ‘Crack’ to me (can’t get enough)!
her paitience with me in general. That alone is amazing.
I love my mans chest hair
Thank goodness you left a space in the headline between Hot & Wife. Had you not, you would have been showing up on all sorts of alternative web searches! Not in the loop? http://www.urbandictionary.com will help fill you in. Semantics may not be everything, but they sure are important.
Some time ago, there was a story online about a lady asking advice on how to marry a rich man. A rich man actually replied and gave the most interesting break down on how he viewed “Pretty Women” and how marrying for looks is actually a bad deal. He explained how looks are a diminishing value, since after a person is past their 25th birthday; it’s all downhill from there. He then goes into an amazing exposition of comparing looks to bank accounts, a class any economist or CPA would find fascinating. Truth is that you should never let yourself… Read more »
Looks may be a ” diminishing value”, but ‘community property’ goes on forever L.O.L.
Have to stand up and apluade the eloquence of that reply.
Eduardo, I have to admit that I was attracted to my wife before we were married but I never saw her as a trophy. Because she’s attractive doesn’t mean that she’s a “trophy” wife. Now that wasn’t true about my Brother-in-law. He was out for the looks.He had/has money and could get women because of it. But don’t put us all in the same pot. Years ago while traveling for business, I sighted a women who with the exception of having long hair resembles my wife. She was wearing tight jeans, high heel boots, a lose sweater and a full… Read more »
The first four years of marriage are also a horrible indicator of the success of marriage as most divorces occur in two parts either in years seven (7.1 to be exact) or when the children leave the home. My parents have been married for almost forty years and just this Saturday my brothers and their wives all were giggling as my dad tried to dance zydeco with my mom, who couldn’t help but blush herself. My mom was beautiful when she married my dad at 21 but whereas her outward beauty has faded, the inner remains. She is the toughest… Read more »
I am sure your father’s outward attractiveness has faded as well since he was 21. Often I find men don’t like to think about their own aging process realistically and hence push a lot on women to ignore their own physical flaws.
The husbands whose wives scored higher on the aesthetic group rating were more satisfied at the beginning of their marriage and generally remained that way over the next four years. Additionally, it was found that the husbands’ physical attractiveness had absolutely no effect on the reported happiness of their wives. Simply put: men care more about the looks of their spouses than women do.
Hi L.C.
I’m intrigued. What traits in their husbands did have an effect on the reported happiness of the wives? 😉
OK, I just read the study. And I think perhaps you have concluded something that the study does not indicate.
The attractiveness was rate by SOMEONE ELSE, not the husbands or wives (it says specifically was rate by the other couples) and then satisfaction was rated by the husbands and wives, this in no way indicates a causation ONLY a correlation by someone else.