How to Get Everything You Want from Casual Sex (without Hurting People)

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About Robin Juliet

Robin Juliet writes contemporary erotic romances where lust trumps love and happily ever after gets twisted beyond recognition.  Ms. Juliet lives and writes in Denver, Colorado with her dog, Bennett.  You can find her at: http://authorrobinjuliet.wordpress.com

Comments

  1. Mrs. Delamore says:

    Sorry, but these sort of females are not really helping the world and especially the other women in it.

    Sex is relegated to supermarket status and panders to the “microwave” society that we have become.
    Gotta have it now!

    Rather than encouraging celibacy and healthy self -control, faithfulness to a spouse, the courage to go and work out relationship and identity problems etc, this sort of advertisement, for all it’s declared parameters, is part of the ongoing problem women being objectified, demeaned and generally disrespected. It allows too many males to be let off the hook with the expression of their physical desires rather than learn to be men in control of what is a natural urge but, because of it’s power, needs to come under subjection until the appropriate time.

    Further, the liberalisation of sex, and especially by females, reduces the significance of this dimension in human life and renders all subject to indulgence and abuse. Whilst misplaced and perverted sexual behaviour has,sadly, long been a part of the human condition, it has exploded through cyber technology, particularly, to ensnare our most vulnerable…babies and children all over the world.

    Ms Juliet acknowledges that ” Regular casual sex with the same partner is more than the physical bonds of your bodies. There are emotional connections as well. ”

    Is it any wonder our society has become so “screwed” up?

    • Mrs. Delamore–Thank you for sharing your perspective and opening the debate even further on what constitutes agreeable, consensual, (dare we say enjoyable?) sex. As is pretty standard, you advocate for women to be the ones responsible for monitoring who gets to have sex, when, and with whom. Let’s not forget your cautionary plea: When a woman chooses to engage in recreational sex–even in a respectful manner as described above–then the world is coming to an end.

      There’s no surprise there.

      What may surprise you is that I really like these kinds of debates. I make no apologies for being a sexually charged adventurous single woman. Granted, my style of promiscuity is not for everyone. Women who choose to engage in casual, sexual relationships must certainly contend with societal stereotypes that favor your stance, Mrs. Delamore. Your comment is a good reminder. However, we are quite used to being bashed for simply being who we are.

      • Melissa K. says:

        I agree with Ms. Juliette…we are all are own women. This stance may not be acceptable to a married woman that is still in a committed relationship. I just know that after your marriage ends, sometimes a casual sexual relationship is all one can handle. Even years after a divorce, many woman are much more hesitate to enter a committed relationship when they are not sure he is the one. I know I only want to be in a committed, hopefully life long relationship, if the man is my “soul mate,” I never want to be involved in another divorce. I also do not think I want to be celibate while I wait for this to happen.

    • I’m afraid that Mrs. Delamore shows little respect for men or for women in this reply, and instead relies on shallow stereotypes of human sexuality to make this argument.

      The idea that Ms. Juliet’s point about casual sex “allows too many males to be let off the hook with the expression of their physical desires” is misguided. There are a lot of taboos and misconceptions about sex, but one of the most enduring ones is that all men, and all women, ultimately need/want the same thing. There are a lot of people (men and women) who are emotionally and sexually mature (and secure) enough to have meaningful sexual relationships outside of these kinds of relational stereotypes, while still maintaining a very healthy, emotionally intense and supportive relationship with another individual. There is nothing about Ms. Juliet’s article that suggests people should be reckless, hedonistic, or disrespectful–indeed, the whole point of her article was to argue for the opposite of that. Honesty and compassion are the things that make relationships work, not adhering to an “imposed” idea of what sex between people should be. Women and men both deserve the freedom to explore their sexuality, without stereotypes of male or female behavior undermining their right to do so.

      And finally, there are also a ENDLESS examples of emotional and sexual subjugation resulting from the guilt and anger that people (again, both men AND women) are forced into feeling because they have been taught that they don’t have the right to their own body or desires, and that they are being immoral and “screwed up” if they live “alternative” sexual lifestyles.

      Education, feminism, and public dialogue are crucial for people to find ways to have healthy, sexual and emotional relationships.

  2. Max Richards says:

    Robin,

    The men are so hungry and burning with the desire that they struggle calm down for a second and reflect on the best way to approach you, but the error is just gender solipsism. If an attractive woman sent me a message that said, “Lets do this.” I and 99% of the men looking for casual sex would still be interested, you would not. Men and women are different so following the Golden Rule can still lead you down the wrong path, and how are men who haven’t met you supposed to know how to approach you? This is problem, men have to anticipate how to make the best first impression with no intel, high competition, without resorting to stereotypes or generalizations because supposedly “everyone is different.” Very challenging.

  3. Max Richards says:

    I want others to comment on my theory as to one of the reasons why female demand for casual sex is so low. For many women, sex is moreso a means of power and narcissistic fuel (a means to feel desired/wanted/good about self) than it is a channel for physical and orgasmic pleasure. Being chased, getting lots of messages, being taken out on dates, being passive in sex and making an uneven effort, all of these feed and fuel a woman’s artificially enlarged *narcissistic* drive so that when she begins to make a real effort comparable to the man it doesn’t feel right. Women who are more about the pleasure than the ego-boost, put themselves out there and get down to it rather quickly.

    • I find your theory cynical, to say the least. If women merely want attention, going to a bar is a far more efficient method of getting it than looking for casual sex online. In addition to the emotional work mentioned in the article, the effort required to put up an ad, read through the deluge of responses (many of which will be far from flattering), establish a connection and a modicum of trust with a stranger, and arrange a mutually convenient time and place to meet can feel more like work than an ego boost.

      However, I will agree that, at least for myself, even the most casual sex isn’t just about an orgasm. (I can give myself an orgasm in about the same time it takes for my ad to appear on Craigslist.) Instead, it’s about physically connecting with another person. There is an ego boost in being physically and sexually appreciated by another person, but there’s more to it than that. I love giving another person pleasure and I love meeting new people in such an intimate setting. In other words, there’s a lot more to a casual encounter than feeding my “enlarged narcissistic drive” at some guy’s expense.

      • Max Richards says:

        VERY few women relative to men are looking for casual sex explicitly, period. I was trying to explain THAT.

        • “I want others to comment on my theory as to one of the reasons why female demand for casual sex is so low.”

          I was commenting on your theory — I disagree with your reasoning. However, if you want to know why some women are reluctant to look for casual sex online, take a look at this thread. About half of the comments, including your own, are devoted to judging women for our sexual choices. As I mentioned, finding a good partner requires effort, but what incentive do women have when the reward for that effort is an inbox full of slut-shaming and dick pics?

        • Max

          Women do have causal sex.
          Go to international conferences and will know women have sex with men and women they just met, fully aware that this is causal sex.
          Given the right circumstances and surrounded with interesting, bright well educated men to choose women do have causal sex. Probably as often as men do.

    • I for one, am not going to agree on the idea that there is much disparity between the desire for and participation in casual sex between men and women….
      This idea that 1/2 dozen women in your town are the only ones getting it on wantonly is a dated trope..
      I never left a casual sex partner’s house and had to wait for all the FedEx and florist’s vans double parked bringing her an unending parade of gifts or saw a line going down the block of insanely lonely men begging for their turn.

      • Max Richards says:

        If you look at the “Casual Encounters” page on Craigslist, you’ll see a lot more men looking for women than women looking for men. If you look at who’s looking for casual sex (I even said “looking for casual sex, expliciltly”) on the dating sites, you’ll see a lot more men than women. That’s what I’m talking about.

        I also never said a only half dozen women are getting it on either. They are getting it on with a relatively small number of men who are unusually attractive/outgoing and the rest are going without.

        • Max,

          “They are getting it on with a relatively small number of men who are unusually attractive/outgoing and the rest are going without.”

          Yes, you are absolutely correct.

    • Max
      “”"”"For many women, sex is moreso a means of power and narcissistic fuel (a means to feel desired/wanted/good about self) than it is a channel for physical and orgasmic pleasure.”"”"”"”

      Some men see sex a sport, they brag about their conquests, try to fuck as many women as they can and tell everybody about it.
      Are they not egoistic,narcissistic and cynical about the whole thing?
      Have you never met men that want sex for validation of their own attractions and worth?
      Give me a break Max if you say some men do not see sex as power, and never use their own sexuality to get something from others then you need to open your eyes wide open. What you write is nonsens.
      Both men and woman can have bad behavior.
      . Your thinking is black and white, where you devalue women and idealize men.

    • Max, I’m going to have to disagree with almost everything you said. You’ve got the majority of women completely wrong.

      First off, your assumption that most women want sex for mostly egotistical reasons is dead wrong. I have met very few women who don’t physically enjoy sex a great deal. If they don’t, a lot of it is the man’s fault for being a poor lover. To suggest that most women enjoy the physical aspect of sex less than a man is actually quite medieval. I know very very few women who don’t love sex. Most of the girls I know actually complain when they don’t get enough sex! In fact, science has still found no purpose for the clitoris to exist other than to provide sexual pleasure. We have an organ just for sexy good feelings. Trust me, women love sex.
      Second, your (unfounded) claim that being taken on dates, being called or texted is all part of the psycho sexual ego boost women are looking for is mistaken. Most women seek a man who does those things because a man who does those things is acknowledging her as more than a walking set of lady parts. This doesn’t mean they want to boyfriend up, it just means they want respect as a human being and not just a glorified sex toy. I have personally heard many of my male friends describe their casual sexual conquests so crudely that it would take me a while to recognize the girls when I actually met them because I couldn’t match the walking sex doll they described with a real human being. That being said SO many more men talk about their one night stands and casual sex partners as conquests, notches on the belt. I’ve personally had guys gossip about me because I had sex with a friend of theirs and he bragged. That’s just not respectful behavior. Getting off once and having my breasts fondled nicely just isn’t worth that kind of crap.

      This brings me to my next point, which is that you believe women want less casual sex than men. I don’t believe this is true because I know many women who would love to have NSA relationships or encounters but don’t because they don’t like the way the men interested in the same thing treat them. The women who, as you put it, “get to it quickly” are, in my experience the ones with the least self respect and most insecurities. They do it less for the pleasure than for their self esteem: snagging a man, any man, gives them a sense of self worth or attractiveness. I’ve literally been told by a girl who was indiscriminately promiscuous that she viewed getting a guy to cheat or getting laid after a night out as proof that she was just that sexy and interesting. This girl had also earned herself a very unflattering nickname from the guys who knew about her sex life and was the butt of a lot of jokes, most of them rude. Case in point, a girl who is a “slut” gets labeled, demeaned by men. Women rarely come up with derogatory nicknames for guys who sleep around, simply saying – he’s kind of a player, he sleeps around a lot.

      This is part of the reason why (to lead to your only piece of evidence) many women avoid craigslist when it comes to casual sex. Myself and many friends included have openly stated that they don’t use craigslist because there are too many “creepers and jerks” to sort through. We want a man who treats us like a nice individual who he’d like to have sex with a couple times and treat respectfully any other time we happen to come in contact with them. Sadly, most girls I know including myself, don’t find this the majority of the time we try to have NSA type experiences so we avoid them instead of forcing something that’s often more trouble than it’s worth. The second reason craigslist is less popular is the fact that meeting a stranger, a male stranger in particular, holds more potential for physical danger to a woman than for a man. Most women aren’t physically capable of harming or raping an alert adult male who’s probably bigger and/or stronger than they are. We’ve been told all our lives not to go places with strange men, seen horror stories on the news, been advised never to put down our drinks in a public place, never to walk alone at night or hold our keys like weapons in parking garages. Living with that kind of defensiveness in regards to unknown men makes meeting a stranger off the internet very intimidating.

      I would suggest that in the future you do some in depth research about human sexuality, both male and female, before judging the sexuality of others.

      • Max Richards says:

        Lexi,

        Let me begin with a quote from you: “The women who, as you put it, “get to it quickly” are, in my experience the ones with the least self respect and most insecurities.”

        So YOU say the women who are stereotypically quick to jump into casual sex as men are the women with “the least self-esteem” and “the most insecurities”? YOU said this, but when I talk about some women having sex for mostly egoistical reasons you get angry and frustrated with me?

        Next question: If your friend says, “Hey Lexi I think you’re cute and have felt attracted to you for some time, want to have some fun, I would LOVE to be the next notch on your belt?” Is he being disrespectful or not? Glorified sex toy? Walking sex doll? Where can I go sign up for that? I know tons of women who want to talk books and philosophy with me but no desire to bed me, and I’d like to change it up a bit. If a friend of mine had sex with me and bragged about it to her friends, what great news that would be. I’m a great lover, I do what I do well, spread the news!

        There’s layers or levels of NSA sex, if you will, and you’re just moralizing your own personal threshold.
        You need to be taken on a date before sex to feel like you’re a human being? GOOD FOR YOU. Use that self-knowledge to your advantage and let the rest of others swim the chaos in our own way.

        • Max
          Italien men have a repudiation that say they are terrible at causal sex.. They always insits on bringing the lady out to dinner first.
          Can you decribe how you want to spend the evening with a woman you think ( know ) will have causal sex and you will never see her again. You meet at six and have an evening together.

          The PUA has the word a “fools mate.” It tells a lot about how some men look at woman when they don’t have to go through all the hard work of conquering her because she has already made up her mind . A PUA does not fuck a fools mate.
          Urban Dictionary: fool’s mate :.. A woman not needing the requisite 7 hours of contact prior to sleeping with a man for whom she has just met.

    • The two main reasons for it that I see are: (1)- women do not orgasm as easily as men. Most men, if they have a willing partner who they find attractive, can have an orgasm if they have sex with them. Most women do not orgasm from intercourse alone, therefore they need a partner who is willing to do more than just a bit of intercourse. So.. if a woman is feeling horny and wants an orgasm, she might decide to just go home and take care of it herself, because the chances of any random man being able to get her off aren’t that great. Part of the reason women want to spend more time with someone before having sex with them is to gauge whether it will be worth their time or not. (2) – Women are more likely to fear being alone with a man they don’t know well than vice versa. The risk of going home with someone you haven’t gotten to know that well has to be assessed, and men are generally less afraid of being harmed by a woman they go home with.

  4. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    I had this relationship exactly once. It was with a bi woman who formed her emotional relationships with women. I was on the mend from a relationship, else my emotions might have figured heavily. They didn’t, and we had a lovely once a month relationship for about six years with spectacular sex. At the end, I think she was becoming a little emotional. I wasn’t. She began insisting on oral sex only, and that wasn’t enough for me, with the great history we’d had together. I don’t agree with Mrs. D., seeing this stance as a tendency back toward the neo-Victorianism of the 1950s– if women politicize sex-negativity as a desideratum, then there isn’t enough in it for men to support feminism as I see it. It’s having the cake and eating it too. But sex usually involves intense emotions, particularly if one person starts to withdraw, or if one or both fall in love. So, casual isn’t all that possible in my book.

    • Hank
      “”"”"” But sex usually involves intense emotions, particularly if one person starts to withdraw, or if one or both fall in love. So, casual isn’t all that possible in my book.”"”"”
      Exactly ! .
      Causal isn’t all that possible. And that is also why it can be a dangerous game to play.
      Been there , done that.

  5. Robin
    How can you be so sure men don’t see you as a prostitue they don’t have to pay for?
    It is hard to understand how you feel it is safe to bring a steady steam of new strangers into your home.
    Craigslist is not seen as safe.

    • Cara Thereon says:

      It sounds like you’re trying to shame a woman for her behavior. If she’s taking proper precautions and safeguarding herself in selecting who she “brings into her home”, how is what she chooses to do any different than using OK Cupid to meet guys? Not everyone on Craigslist is a serial rapist, for crying out loud, so stop making it into this cesspool of humanity. Your frank judgment of her actions is more telling of the person you are and not the person she is.

      • “Not everyone on Craigslist is a serial rapist” but enough of them are killers that every year a few more bodies turn up at Gilgo Beach…

        • True that!!! All of the dating sites have rapists, murderers and just psycho people that have something that gets them off…so we all must beware!

      • Cara

        “”"”"”. Your frank judgment of her actions is more telling of the person you are and not the person she is.”"”"”"

        Do I judge her actions when I decribe how I would feel if I did what she does?
        I see it is a dangerous way to live. And I would expect some of the men to use me,not show me respect . That is how I feel,and that is my personal opinion.
        Some persons love to silence others by describing their opinions as ” shaming “.
        That strategy does not work with me Cara. If adult feel shame each time they hear words spoken they do not like, they must be deeply neurotic persons.
        Normal persons do not feel shame when confronted with a persons that disagree with them.
        She put her story and private live open online for us all to read.
        I do not think this woman is a fragile flower that feels shame when we resond to her writings about her sex life.
        And yes, I do not want anyone to see me as a prostitute. I am not ashamed to say so.
        Prostitues are not treated with dignity and respect.

    • How can you be so sure men don’t see you as a prostitue they don’t have to pay for?
      Does Robin care if she’s seen as a prostitute?

      What’s wrong with seeing someone as a prostitute (assuming Robin doesn’t have a problem with that)?

      It is hard to understand how you feel it is safe to bring a steady steam of new strangers into your home.
      Craigslist is not seen as safe.

      She may feel safe because despite the scare mongering the vast majority of men are not rapists waiting to strike. Also what data are you going by when you say that “Craigslist is not seen as safe”? I myself have only seen 2-3 incidents in which someone was attacked by a person they contacted via Craigslist. Even if we were to generously increase that number what makes Craigslist anymore dangerous than other forums for meeting people such as OK Cupid or going out to bars/clubs?

      • Danny
        When a woman say about a man ” he treats me like a prostitute ”
        She means he has sex with her without respect and without giving. He takes ,uses her and leave.

        And I have no problems in admitting that I am against prostitution for several reason.
        What a man,child or woman must do for living under deep poverty is one think,I do not condemn persons that have to sell their body to survive . But I am against it as a legal job in a Western country when we still have other alternatives to earn money.

        Many countries have laws against buying sex, and I support those laws.
        Even if some prostitutes tell us they are happy doing what they do,it is still a fact that trafficking of children ,men and women into the sex trade is a fact. Trafficking is a terrible terrible thing.

        . And many person that sell their bodies are victims of childhood sexual abuse or addicts.
        Most persons will not admit they use prostutes, because they feel ashamed and do it secrecy.
        How many men and women choose to marry prostitues ?

        I support work to help prostitues out and get a chance to have an education.

        In a democracy I have a vote and I do not support a society that “needs ” prostituion

        • She means he has sex with her without respect and without giving. He takes ,uses her and leave.
          So, when women look for sex with free of attachment does that she she “takes, uses him, and leaves”? Because from what I’ve seen desire for unattached sex is not something that’s exclusive to men. If two people get together for unattached sex and both are clear about that what’s the problem with that? Now in situations where one is looking to do that to the other but without being upfront about it that is certainly a problem.

          And I have no problems in admitting that I am against prostitution for several reason.
          What a man,child or woman must do for living under deep poverty is one think,I do not condemn persons that have to sell their body to survive . But I am against it as a legal job in a Western country when we still have other alternatives to earn money.

          And I have no problem saying that I am actually for it as a legal job. I wonder. You say you are against adults engaging in prostitution when there are other alternatives to making money. Is this because prostitution specifically involves sex or because you are against exploitative labor in general?

          Many countries have laws against buying sex, and I support those laws.
          Even if some prostitutes tell us they are happy doing what they do,it is still a fact that trafficking of children ,men and women into the sex trade is a fact. Trafficking is a terrible terrible thing.

          Ideally I would like to think there could be some way to truly separate out the people who want to be sex workers from those that were trafficked (and by that I mean they were forced into sex work rather than choosing to do it on their own). Trafficking is horrible, no question. But is it really okay to just ignore what the ones that want to do sex work say and just assume they must be doing it because they feel they have to or because someone forced them?

          . And many person that sell their bodies are victims of childhood sexual abuse or addicts.
          Yes a lot of them are. But are you ready to just assume they all are?

          Most persons will not admit they use prostutes, because they feel ashamed and do it secrecy.
          You’re saying that prostitutes are used. Unless you can show that said prostitutes did not want to be in that position they are not being used for sex anymore than the prostitutes are using their customers for money.

          • Danny

            Why don’t you write a little article on GMP and ask these questions .
            This issue is complicated. I am not read up on research and seldom read news about discussion about for and against making prostituion legal.

            Of course I am against exploited labour. That question is an insult.
            Write an article then let many give us more facts about prostition. Men,children and women.
            http://www.newstatesman.com/helen-lewis/2013/05/what-do-you-think-about-his-choice-uncovering-men-who-visit-prostitutes

          • Danny
            . “”"”"And many person that sell their bodies are victims of childhood sexual abuse or addicts.
            Yes a lot of them are. But are you ready to just assume they all are?”"”"”"

            When I wrote that many prostitutes are victims of childhood sexual abuse , or have problems like addiction ( drugs) I used the word many. How you read the word many = all tells me you are angry. Maybe you sell sex, or dream of selling sex. Or maybe you one day marry,and think it just fine if your wife and the mother of your children sells sex from your family home. I can tell you my values are different from yours.

            I wrote :Most persons will not admit they use prostutes, because they feel ashamed and do it secrecy. And you respond by saying:
            “”"”"You’re saying that prostitutes are used. Unless you can show that said prostitutes did not want to be in that position they are not being used for sex anymore than the prostitutes are using their customers for money.”"”"”

            Here is some data for you:
            “”"”"”In France, 90% of those in prostitution are very poor, pimped or trafficked. A 2011 study by researchers from Germany’s Goettingen and Heidelberg universities and the London School of Economics, which assessed data from 150 countries, concluded that legalizing prostitution led to increased trafficking.”"”"”

            http://prostitutionresearch.com

            Show your respect for prostituted by offering one of them marriage Danny.

            • @KIM,

              We can agree on one thing!

              I share the same view(s) you have on prostitution. These high class Ivy League educated “escorts” are a typical of female sex workers.

              What is truly hypocritical with most men is that we don’t mind some other man’s daughter being a prostitute (or stripper) but not theirs. But, this is our history as men. We have always sought to do one another in via wars etc. To the victor go the spoils (including the women).

            • “but not theirs.”

              Should read,

              “but not ours.”

              Sorry.

            • When I wrote that many prostitutes are victims of childhood sexual abuse , or have problems like addiction ( drugs) I used the word many. How you read the word many = all tells me you are angry.
              No. Overall you are saying that you are against legalizing prostitution. That affects all prostitutes, not just the ones that are victims of childhood abuse and addiction. I’m not accusing you of saying all prostitutes are victims of such things. But no I’m not angry, just disagreeing with you. You see the difference right?

              Maybe you sell sex, or dream of selling sex.
              No and no. I just don’t hold it against those that do.

              Or maybe you one day marry,and think it just fine if your wife and the mother of your children sells sex from your family home.
              Maybe I would.

              I wrote :Most persons will not admit they use prostutes, because they feel ashamed and do it secrecy. And you respond by saying:
              “””””You’re saying that prostitutes are used. Unless you can show that said prostitutes did not want to be in that position they are not being used for sex anymore than the prostitutes are using their customers for money.”””””

              As far as I can tell there is no response to what I said. At most you can go back and add the “most” that you said (but you don’t have to because I’m fully aware you said most hence I why I said “Unless you can show that said prostitutes…”

              Show your respect for prostituted by offering one of them marriage Danny.
              I was with you until this. This is the equivalent of saying, “Well since you don’t have a problem with ____ why don’t you just marry one.” Do I really need to marry a prostitute to prove to you that I respect them?

            • Danny
              “”"”"”Unless you can show that said prostitutes did not want to be in that position they are not being used for sex anymore than the prostitutes are using their customers for money.”"”"”"

              Actually I don’t have to prove anything to you Danny. I live in a democracy and use my vote and my voice.
              States that choose to have laws that say it is illegal to buy sex have lots of reasons for doing so, the welfare of the men and women in prostitution is only one of the reasons.

              For me it is enough reason that legalized prostitution gives more trafficking .

              You see prostitutes as persons that use others for money. I end the debate with you here Danny. I feel like puking ……

            • Actually I don’t have to prove anything to you Danny. I live in a democracy and use my vote and my voice.
              After telling me to marry a prostitute to show my respect for them?

              States that choose to have laws that say it is illegal to buy sex have lots of reasons for doing so, the welfare of the men and women in prostitution is only one of the reasons.
              I never said there were no other valid reasons. Our exchange just happened to focus on wellbeing.

              You see prostitutes as persons that use others for money. I end the debate with you here Danny. I feel like puking ……
              Now who’s misreading the words of others?

              I didn’t consider this a debate but you’re going to accuse me of misreading you when I haven’t and then declare the “debate” over and misread me as your final statement then it looks like this exchange really has no reason to continue. Take it easy.

            • Danny

              It is true. Issues like this one triggers strong emotions in me. Very strong emotions. And it has nothing to do with men women relationship, , but rather how we see sexuality in our societies . And that makes me sad and upset.
              The way some are used sexually by others , like in trafficking makes me cry.

              And if some filthy rich persons pays a fortune to sleep with beautiful women, and feel they are used by them . Well , I do not feel sorry for the costumer.
              Nobody put a knife to Tiger Woods throat and forced him to go to prostitutes that cost a lot of money. Wiener are probably not that wealthy but I do not feel sorry for his economic loss either when he rented a vagina or two to have fun.
              The fact that some luxury prostitutes earn millions does not alter the fact that prostitution has a cost for the many, and organized crime, the porn industry and prostitution are inter woven. It is ugly. It is very ugly.

              Marked mechanism set the price for any commodity in a capitalist society(well I do not believe this theory , but let’s pretend it is so) . So consumers pay market price when he go to a prostitute. I am not worried about the pun,

              I leave the debate Danny, because it makes me upset.
              The unbelievable suffering for those trafficked weight more than all the worlds the horny men’s sexual needs. That is my honest opinion, and I am willing to go on the barricades for that.

    • Melissa K. says:

      Kim, are you kidding me??? I really don’t think this writer was ever stating she was bringing random men into her home to have sex. Also, you must be really sheltered or just plain naive if you believe that OK Cupid or Match.com or any other personal add sites do not have dangerous people on it. I am a criminal defense lawyer and I have represented numerous rapists, physical attackers, aggravated robbers and even have defended murderers who found their victims on a dating site. Sad to say, it is the woman, who needs to thouroughly screen any person they have contact with on the dating site. I believe if you are ever going to meet the person another time in a not as public place and in the daylight, you need to have all of his information and run an extensive background check on the man. All this is just to be safe, the majority of men are great guys but those bad ones seem to filter through more times than not.

      • @Melissa,

        ” I really don’t think this writer was ever stating she was bringing random men into her home to have sex.”

        Got to her blog, ‘Off Go the Panties’. This is exactly what she is doing, in some cases.

        Btw, I think one of her best blogs was about why so many married men are looking for sex. Ladies, you ALL need to read her blog. She is spot on 1000%.

        Cheers!

        • Hi Jules
          I followed your advise and took a look at Robins blog, but could not find the article you refer to.
          Here is what I found:
          ✺”I’ve slept with married men before, and I suspect I probably will again at some point, but they are definitely not my first choice. No, it’s not because they have a wife and kids. No, it’s not because I would have to host all of the time. I don’t even care all that much that it would never go anywhere. The main reason I don’t like to mess around with married men is because if their wife is not having sex with them, chances are they are selfish lovers.

          If I’m going to invest time and energy in someone—and eventually spread my legs for them—then I want it to be good. Married guys who choose to cheat on their wives tend to be bad in bed.”✺

      • Melissa
        Yes it true. I have never used dating sites.
        Your advice is a good one,
        “”"”"you are ever going to meet the person another time in a not as public place and in the daylight, you need to have all of his information and run an extensive background check on the man”"”"”"”
        How can you do that? It means you have to ask for his ID.
        I have no idea how to run a extensive background check of a person.
        All I know is how to look up how much tax they pay and the property they own as described in tax records.

  6. Hank Vandenburgh says:

    How about approving my comment?

  7. Robin,

    Your serious lack of self esteem is apparent in your writing. Please refrain from your harmful advice and stop writing. You need to re-examine your life and values before you dole out advice to anyone. I hope you get the support you need to be healthy in the future.

    • Hank Vandenburgh says:

      I thought the moralists and scolders had pretty much disappeared from here when HS left.

      • @Hank,

        Why do so many people like you have disdain for people who do not adhere to the utilitarian view of life? I live by the Law. In my personal case, it is the Law of Moses and the Prophets.

        If you wish to be amoral, so be it. But, I as a citizen of this damn Republic, am free to say what I damn well wish and believe. Same for you too buddy!

  8. To some extent, I guess you can say what I have is a FWB situation. We’ve been seeing each other for two years, but have known each other much longer. It’s a long-distance relationship, we’re both monogamous, but there’s an understanding that there’s no possibility of live-in or marriage plans.

    Normally, I would say no to a FWB situation mostly because most people don’t know how to handle it or treat their partners with respect or dignity … or quite frankly as a friend.

    But in the case I’m in, the friendship part of what we share is one of the best examples of friendship there is.

    Plus there’s the big perk of love, lust and romance.

  9. Excellent Robin, thank you.

  10. Robin,

    Just what purpose is served from having sex with tons of different men? I ask this in all seriousness.

    Are you just a highly sexual woman who is in constant need of variety and novelty? So many women seem to think it is some kind of rite of passage to have lots of casual sex with lots of different men. Not to judge you, but the whole thing seems down right nasty and decadent.

    “They seem to be at least moderately attractive,…”

    Oh well, you prove my point that women find only a few men attractive (the gold nuggets). Even the ones selected were merely ‘moderately attractive.’ God help us all.

  11. Reading this articulate, well written post on on what is best described as a difficult subject, and was completely taken aback by the vitriol filled comments, more specifically how personal they were.

    Is this the type of behaviour that is to be expected when you express yourself/take a side in a conversation? Because their worldview doesn’t match up with yours, it becomes a personal attack?

    Preachy, judgmental attacks and name calling don’t solidify anybody’s point in a conversation. If you can’t use logic or reason and are genuinely open to a two way dialogue, how is an emotion filled, myopic monologue going to buttress your argument?

    Not that Robin is a damsel in distress, but I’ll gladly jump in and defend her. If you disagree, discuss the issue like adults. Take a moment to try and be open enough to understand where the other person is coming from and you may learn something.

  12. Hi Robin
    In the western societies we have many different types of relationships between men and women that includes sex.
    The type of relationship you describe and want right now, you describe as a relationship with
    no-strings-attaches sex, it is a short lived relationship, but while it lasts it can mean that two persons see each other regularly,and it is less constricting than traditional boyfriend /girlfriend relationship.

    And you end with saying:
    ✺”Regular casual sex with the same partner is more than the physical bonds of your bodies. There are emotional connections as well. If you decide to engage in an ongoing casual sexual relationship.”✺

    To me this sounds like a relationship with a contract that say love shall not be a part of it,nor will there be any caring or emotional support in crises. You will not be each other’s soft place to fall, you will not give him of your time, just fuck him and you both are free to leave without any warning.
    The deal is that you can not expect anything else from this person that fucking. And you write:
    ✺Casual sexual relationships are notoriously short-lived..✺..

    And my question is then, why are relationships like that short-lived if the sex is great and the contract makes sure you have all your needs met? Is the sex that good?

    You are totally free to do whatever you want,and this man takes up zero of your time and energy.
    Maybe our need to love somebody is so much stronger than the pleasure we get from the kind of sex we have when we dissociate sex and love.

    If these relationships made you feel really good and felt right, then they would never end.

    • @Iben

      These are very reasonable points that you are making. But there are other answers to your questions than the one that “If these relationships made you feel really good and felt right, then they would never end.” People are beginning to explore different kinds of sexual relationships in their lives. It turns out (surprise!) that heterosexual, explicitly monogamous, long-term relationships aren’t the only way that people want to live their romantic and sexual lives. But it doesn’t mean that people don’t want to have the security and passion of a life-long partner either. But there are very real alternatives–but it takes education and an open mind for people to begin to learn about them. I would suggest EVERYONE read the book: “The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities” which is about sex-positive, alternative, love-based lifestyles. Even if you don’t agree with it, READ IT, so that you can expand your own knowledge of what you want in your own life. Also, Dan Savage (syndicated columnist) is an excellent source of wise, down to earth ideas about how long-term partners can support each other in their sexual and emotional life–including those in monogamous ones.

      • @Peter,

        ” But it doesn’t mean that people don’t want to have the security and passion of a life-long partner either.”

        If there was security and passion with the life-long partner, would there really be a need for these other alternative?

        I am divorced. The reason is because the marriage was sexless and passionless. Had there been sex and passion I would still be married.

        Are you suggesting people (some) want to have there cake an eat it to? Poly life style? Open marriage? I guess these are all the alternatives you speak.

  13. Hi Peter
    Thank’s for the tips. I guess you are one of the polyamorous people.
    ✺ “People are beginning to explore different kinds of sexual relationships in their lives. It turns out (surprise!) that heterosexual, explicitly monogamous, long-term relationships aren’t the only way that people want to live their romantic and sexual lives. But it doesn’t mean that people don’t want to have the security and passion of a life-long partner either”✺

    Yes Peter, there are several options. My question is how emotionally and sexually satisfying they are.
    I read a bit on Robins blog. It is unclear if she writes the articles there, probably not.

    But let’s let take Robin as an example. She chooses to have sex under conditions where she has total control. She controls by initiating the first contact ( ad ), she screens and picks out her favorites, she seldom hosts but let men host, and my guess is that she also control the relationship by ending it. And she decides and therefor control what kind of relationship this is. And she visits sex clubs to have sex with strangers, in front of strangers…..

    If that is her cup of tea, then I have no problem with that.

    Maybe she it not afraid of intimacy.
    Maybe she is not afraid of emotional closeness.
    Maybe she is not afraid to fall in love.
    Maybe she is not afraid to be dominated by a man.
    Maybe she is able to feel desire and love for the same person.
    Maybe the chase and control is what turns her on, that is why she chooses this lifestyle.

    Or maybe she has a past, like for example with childhood sexual abuse and that is the reason why she now need to be in total control.

    But you are wrong when you say it is something new that people have sexual relationship different than the long term monogamous one.
    The sixties and seventies had free sex as one of its slogans, and I think sex then was warmer than the one I read about on Robins blog. The sex I see described there sounds like imitation of porn. Cold.

    • @Iben,

      Hello Iben !

      “The sex I see described there sounds like imitation of porn.”

      Iben, I kind of felt the same. Somewhere she stated she was an English professor. I also began to wonder if she is real! Some of these stories read like made up stories and fantasies. She states that she does not host? Well, I read on her blog about her encounter with a professional major league baseball player. She clearly describes how he arrived at her apartment at 2:00 am in the morning. So, she does host! But, if this is all made up (quite possible these days), then it is just sad.

      Lastly, I am kind of torn between respecting peoples freedoms and my religious beliefs. While I do not want to stand in judgement ( I would rather just avoid such women), I really believe that we must exercise restraint over indulgence.

      Lastly, going back to her blog…If these casual sexual encounters are of short duration, then how many must she have in a year. Then she speaks of having casual sex with the same person….Just seems confusing. That’s why I am questioning the validity of the blog…or even this piece.

      • Hi Jules

        Like you I felt this is not real.
        But I think her blog are mode up of articles written by others and she is open about that, she is the editor only.
        Many of the articles there are not written by a person with good language skills, or sexual experience.

        Several places a read sex scenes when the woman describes that the man first had anal sex with her and then penetrated her vagina. I am no into anal sex, but have learned that this is no no, due to hygien.
        And like you I do not see sex several times with the same person as causal sex. Rather sex in a relationship. We can all have relationships and make the rules. We can even marry and agree that this marriage is only for sex, and we live sepate lives when we are not in bed together.

        Yesterday I reflected on why I never felt any need to explore my sexuality. I have never in my whole live had sex to explore anything.
        Why should I? I know what attracts me and what does not attract me with a person. I know my boundaries and want them to become stronger sexual boundaries not weaker.
        And I have absolutely no need to push my boundaries sexually and enter into new territories.
        No doubt I can have sex in situations and ways that breaks taboos, but why should I try to developed into a person without boundaries? I know I can have orgasms and be aroused,and am pretty sure my body also responds with sexual arousal in sex clubs, in groups sex. No doubt I can have a good sexual happening with a man I just met, but it demands absolutely nothing of me. No challenge, no demands.

        But why test it out, and why widen my boundaries? I want stronger boundaries around my person.

        Love is a far more interesting challenge for me to explore . Love scares me , sex does not. To develops my ability to love and have a life long love and sex relationship is the challenge for me. Sex comes easy, love and relations ship with sex is my interest.

        And if I make love to a man I also feel responsible for his well being. I do NOT want to separate love and sex. I do not want sex without responsibilities for the other. For me that is to use men’s bodies and dehumanize them. Why should I try to develop into a persons that only use men for fucking?
        Anyone can do that if we turns off normal human empathy and caring. I want to live as a whole human being with all my feelings turned on including warmth and responsibilty for the man I have sex with.

        So instead of discussing how to pick up men from Craigslist, I rather discuss what is a sex friendly society and how do we get there.

        • @Iben,

          Hello Iben!

          I agree with you Iben. Above, I asked Robin the following,

          “Just what purpose is served from having sex with tons of different men? I ask this in all seriousness.”

          I really do not get it. I realize people have different sex drives and fetishes. But, why does it have to be with 100 partners? I would much prefer it to be with someone whom I care about. I do not believe in treating human beings in a casual manner. For me it is about dignity. If I treated women casually and just for sex, I would feel I am treating them in a un-dignified manner.

          Often I read (and hear) women who say the act of allowing someone inside you is special and more emotionally taxing. I would tend to agree. So, just how a woman could allow all these casual lovers (condom or not) baffles me.

          As always, great hearing from you:)

          • @Jules

            You pretended to ask “Just what purpose is served from having sex with tons of different men?” and then you went about answering your asinine question all by yourself in your own ridiculous, judgmental manner.

            Apparently you have tons of time on your hands seeing that you’re now an expert on my 170+ post blog, so I recommend you spend ten minutes rereading the article this particular thread of discussion is supposedly addressing. When you do, I want you to consider the spirit in which it was written. I also want you to pay close attention to my examples so you can get your facts right if you choose to write a question to me in the future.

            Only then–and I encourage you to make a big effort to avoid any more wild claims, snarky attitudes, and/or mean spirited accusations–would I be willing to respond to a serious question you may have about how to engage in a casual, sexual relationship in a respectful manner.

            Because, dear Jules, that’s what the article is about. . .

            • @Robin,

              You stated,

              “……..would I be willing to respond to a serious question you may have about how to engage in a casual, sexual relationship in a respectful manner.”

              Contrary to what you think, I am a reasonable chap. I took your advice and re-read your piece. While I did get a little bit more out of it, its substance remains the same: casual sex in a respectful manner that does not hurt anyone.

              However, it is still about casual sex (i.e., bed hopping). Yes, people can and in fact do have casual flings in the manner you have written. However, it remains casual with multitudes of partners of short duration. Hence, what is really the depth of the relationship? Is there really a relationship? I would say NO.

              Even you state,

              “Casual sexual relationships are notoriously short-lived.”

              Not withstanding your response above, I stand by my original position. The activities you are engaging (consensual or not) do not reflect respect or dignity for human beings. We humans are a higher being than animals. What separates us from animal behavior is restraint as opposed to unbridled lust and indulgence.

              I think you are unable to see the trees for the forest my dear Robin!

              L’Chaim!!

        • It sounds like you only want to discuss a “sex friendly society” if it meets your standards of “good boundaries”. How can we discuss such things with your imposed judgement?

          First, I want to explain to you that the articles on her blog, except for a few guest posts, are written by Ms. Juliet herself. I know this because I have had the opportunity to interact with her over a long period of time, both publicly (on blogs, twitter, etc.) or via email. I assure you, she is a real person with varied interests and it appears she is quite successful in her endeavors related and unrelated to sex.

          I mean this with no disrespect Iben, but it is apparent that your scope of sexuality is too limited to be a good judge what sex should and shouldn’t be. If it is fine with you to never know if sex can be BETTER than you have experienced, why does it have to be that way for us too? Why does it bother you so much, for you to take time to pick apart things like someone’s language skills *ahem*, if other people choose to have multiple partners over a short period of time, whatever they choose to call it? Do you really think that increased orgasms for your fellow women is really going to lead to the degradation of society? You ask a lot of questions in your comments Iben, about why should you be forced to go beyond your boundaries. I really don’t think that Robin was trying to take the stance that every other women should try this. Even if it was more commonly accepted for women to seek casual sex it still doesn’t mean we all desire that kind of sex. I assure you that there are plenty of men out there seeking the deep connected sex you seem to long for. I wish you the best in finding it, as long as you leave those of us who want something more/different alone about what we want.

          • ✺”It sounds like you only want to discuss a “sex friendly society” if it meets your
            standards of “good boundaries”. How can we discuss such things with your imposed
            judgement? “✺
            Believe it or not , G. I want to discuss what is a sex friendly society. Are there any sex friendly societies on this earth today ? I wonder.
            What models for society can we imagine and work towards.

            It is best to set boundaries for one self and not for others, we can agree on that G. Our criminal laws set the boundaries for what is totally unacceptable, and laws change as societies changes. What rules and regulations or sex practitioners of different religions follow must he up to them, but we can all say what we think and feel in democracy with free speech.
            My city is multicultural and different ethnic groups live side by side with totally different values and praxis about their sexuality. Even those that support death penalty for gay and lesbians…
            The country I live in have visions about how to raise the young to be happy and free sexually but
            at the same time know who they are and know their own personal boundaries.
            Among the 20 years old we have many that had 20 sex parters but also a lot of your that have had 0 sex partners. The state sponsored tv have sex education tv series that teach the young about sex. They learn about vanilla,anal,groups sex , how to masturbate , see visits from gay saunas and a trip to the parks where gay men cruise to hook up. The young girls get $16 each month from the tax payers money to pay for the pill. Free abortion up to week 12.

            ✺”First, I want to explain to you that the articles on her blog, except for a few guest
            posts, are written by Ms. Juliet herself. I know this because I have had the
            opportunity to interact with her over a long period of time, both publicly (on blogs,
            twitter, etc.) or via email. I assure you, she is a real person with varied interests and
            it appears she is quite successful in her endeavors related and unrelated to sex. I mean this with no disrespect Iben,”✺

            I believe you G. This woman is smart, and she lives in a society where women are raised to suppress their sexuality, and treated badly when they are passionate outside of marriage .
            Lots of men here on GMP have told me that they do not want to marry a woman that have been with more sexual partners than themselves. They prefer “nearly virgins”.
            If Robin fight against this silly nonsense then I am with her.
            But how to get there , have to fight for more normal attitudes and sexual life for all of all is the question.

            ✺ “but it is apparent that your scope of sexuality is
            too limited to be a good judge what sex should and shouldn’t be. If it is fine with you
            to never know if sex can be BETTER than you have experienced, why does it have to
            be that way for us too?”✺
            G. If you want causal sex with anyone then go ahead.
            I can not see how anyone can stop you.
            Maybe my scope of sex is limited. Yes G. You are right. I choose to live without porn, do not use prostitutes. All my instincts tell me we are heading in the wrong direction right now. And I love to discuss other ways to make our societies more heathy sexually. Honesty I do G. And lot of the non stop debate here on GMP are about sex, and how to improve the relations we have that includes sex.

            ✺” Why does it bother you so much, for you to take time to pick
            apart things like someone’s language skills *ahem*, if other people choose to have
            multiple partners over a short period of time, whatever they choose to call it? Do you really think that increased orgasms for your fellow women is really going to lead to the
            degradation of society? “✺

            Yes G. Comments on GMP can be harsh. Some times we all are like a pack of wolfs attracting the author of an article to tear it apart. Some times it turns ugly like a bar fight.
            If you think I was impolite to Robin, then I will ask her to forgive me.
            As a university professor I think Robin must be used to a fierce debate.

            Do I think in increased orgasm for women will lead to degradation of society ?
            I am Scandinavian G. And my answer is no.
            I dream of more sex friendly society for both men and woman all over the world. Period. But I feel free to express my views and feelings about what that is and what it is not. The porn infected model of sex that influences many today is not what I see as the positive development towards healthy sex. It dissociate sex from relations and from love. Please go ahead and indulge G. I have never stopped anyone in having sex. I do not care who my friends and neighbors spend the night with.
            But this thread is a discussion about an article written by Robin, posted online on GMP. Therefor I feel complete free to express my feelings. If I am impolite , then I will give Robin my apologies.

            ✺”Even if it was more
            commonly accepted for women to seek casual sex it still doesn’t mean we all desire
            that kind of sex. I assure you that there are plenty of men out there seeking the deep connected sex you seem to long for.”✺
            Yes G. Some men want commitment and some want to share the night with you.

            ✺” I wish you the best in finding it, as long as you
            leave those of us who want something more/different alone about what we want.”✺

            I can not promise to leave anyone alone G. Nobody will ever be able to silence my voice about any matter.
            In an discussion about sex, we all have different opinions and different needs, different dreams.
            I do not want to be left alone by those that have other dreams like me, say my Muslims women neighbors behind their covered faces.
            When we discuss sexuality our values clashes, so I disagree that we must all keep our mouth shut just because we disagree. Jules and I have many different values and views and we have fought for months and ended up as two persons that genuinely like each other. I respect Jules . I even love the guy.

            If you think I am advocate for more sexual suppression of women, then you are wrong. We have a long debate about that here on GMP, including men’s sexual problems as married men, as involuntary celibate men, and more.

            It is not easy to discuss sexuality without stepping on some bodies toes.
            My friend Jules lives after the teachings of Christ. I do not. I live like most Scandinavian women. European tend to fall into each other’s bed once in a while.

            I respect all persons that see sex as spiritual and sacred. And I think they also have a voice in a debate.

            • @Iben,

              Hello Iben!

              “And I think they also have a voice in a debate.”

              Yes, I agree. Everyone should be able to express their opinions freely.

              I respect and love you too Iben:)

          • @G,

            “…… if other people choose to have multiple partners over a short period of time, whatever they choose to call it? Do you really think that increased orgasms for your fellow women is really going to lead to the degradation of society?”

            Increased orgasms by women can be easily be attained with the same partner as well. Why must there be multitudes of different partners over a short period of time, if increased orgasms is REALLY the objective?

            Ms. Juliet’s behavior is more of some kind of fetish as opposed to a life style choice. The choice is hers. But, that does not mean people such as my self must be silent about it. Casual sex, of any form, is unhealthy for society. Is this why 25% of all the women in NYC have genital herpes? It is not so simple as you maintain.

            • Hi Jules
              I hope it is OK if I make an comment here.

              I agree with you.
              ✺”Increased orgasms by women can be easily be attained with the same partner as well. Why must there be multitudes of different partners over a short period of time, if increased orgasms is REALLY the objective?”✺

              The hunt for the big O.
              But it is possible we persons are very different sexually, and some need a stranger to feel intense feelings.
              And old friend of my used to say when he got drunk :” I can only do it with whores”. He was impotent with his wife but had little problems with women he saw as whores.

              What is kink, what is atypical sexuality is hard to say for me . I am not qualified and the experts disagree as well.
              http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2013/03/sexual_kinks_in_the_dsm_v_paraphilic_disorders_describe_unhappy_kinksters.html

              Maybe for some of us the main thing is the choice of parter we have sex with and the quality of that relation , technic and exacting environment matters little.
              While for others the arousal and pleasure depends more of setting and crossing borders, power and control issues over the situation , do taboo things, be in dangerous places and the choice of partner is not that important ..I can not describe it because I do not know how they feel. My kink index =0

              Some are ” typical” and some are “atypical” sexually. Sexologist dr. Brandy Engler wrote about how domination , that many seems to like in our society today was not the thing in other cultures historically.

              Human beings can be very very different sexually
              And what is nature and what is nurture I do not know.

            • Do I condemn perfectly normal sexual behavior because I see red flags when men want causal sex only?
              I asked a specialist if it is atypical sexual behavior if a woman prefers causal sex only.
              Here is his answer:

              ✺”As for the specific question, a woman’s preference for casual sex is “atypical” in the statistical sense, but would not legitimately be called a pathology of any kind.”✺

              James M. Cantor, PhD
              Dr. Cantor is a psychologist and sexual behavior scientist. Associate professor of Psychiatry….and more.

  14. Hi G
    You say
    “You ask a lot of questions in your comments Iben, about why
    should you be forced to go beyond your boundaries. I really don’t think that Robin was
    trying to take the stance that every other women should try this.”

    This was actually a response to Peter that spoke about exploring sexually . And to was not meant as a comment to Robin, as Robin do not ask us to explore our sexuality as far as I can remember

    I never said anyone force me or other to go beyond our boundaries G, I said my need is to develop stronger boundaries , not make them weaker. Obviously my boundaries have not been strong, that means in other words I know everything about the feelings of being promiscuous, or have weak boundaries. That is two different things but they have something in common:
    You know you can sleep with practically anyone and enjoy it.
    Maybe Robin will define promiscuity differently , like by the number of sex partners a person have .
    I don’t know what is good definition of promiscuity .
    My friend here Jules have talked about ” numbers ” many times. I know his, and I tell him in Scandinavia we never ask each other what is your number. Our number private. My husband never asked my number , I have never asked anyone their number and frankly I could not care less. Make sure you test for STD, that is what I expect from others , not to tell their ” numbers “.
    And yes G, my number is high compared to the median for American women.

    .
    So I mixed my reflections of peters comment and my thoughts about Robins article in one comment .

    I need some time to answer the rest of your comments .

    • @Iben,

      Hello Iben!

      I just wanted to share this piece with you written by my favorite Rabbi,

      http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-shmuley-boteach/casual-sex-and-the-unsati_b_4262227.html

      Happy Holidays:)

      • Hi Jules
        Thank you.
        I wish I could comment on all the points the rabbi makes but that will make my comment to long and the two of us will bore the others with our long conversations.
        But read this article. At the end it becomes interesting.

        http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/science/2013/12/female_promiscuity_in_primates_when_do_women_have_multiple_partners.2.html
        Eric Michael Johnson has a master’s degree in evolutionary anthropology focusing on great ape behavioral ecology and is currently a doctoral student in the history of science at University of British Columbia studying the interplay between evolutionary biology and politics. He writes the Primate Diaries blog for ScientificAmerican.com. Follow his work on Facebook, Pinterest, and Google+. Follow on Twitter @primatediaries.

        • @Iben,

          Hi Iben!

          “….and the two of us will bore the others with our long conversations.”

          LOL!!

          Thanks for the Slate link. I read the piece and found it to be interesting. The problem I have with evo psych or evo bio is that it tends to ignore most of reality today. For example, due to contraception, women can pick and choose the who, when and where about there reproduction. Also, women can choose to voluntarily be in poly relationships independent of the provider status.

          I do believe there is a residue of ‘evo bio’ or social/cultural factors that still lead many women to base their reproduction decisions on the provider status of the man. But, if we look at the lower socioeconomic levels in America, we see the exact opposite (women having lots of kids with criminals and degenerates). I am not sure how Eric Michael Johnson would explain the latter.

          Again, thanks for the piece.

          • Hi Jules

            I think it is fine that people today have several option. In addition to traditional monogamous marriage , we have monogamous cohabitation, polyamorous , open marriage, living apart together ( “særbo” in Scandinavian ), causal sex, and the new concept “weekend relationships.”

            A weekend relationship can be monogamous or not but they are not causal.
            The couples spend time together in the weekends, and in the holidays. If they feel like it they meet during the week also of course. But obviously they have separate households, separate economy. But for us that love to live both pets and a garden, it is complicated.

            I think it will be interesting to see how long those relationships lasts. It is probably most suited for those with grown children.
            I am open to try a monogamous weekend ( long weekend ) long term relationship. Some periods with alone time and some periods with intense togetherness . I do not like the thought that a break up with a man means I loose my home, nor do I want a man living in my home without him owning half of it.

            Life is complicated.

  15. I consider myself to be a very politically, fiscally, socially, morally, and religiously progressive person. I am open-minded, and try very hard to be non-judgmental. I am completely pro-LGBT, for instance, and my stomach turns when people fail to be 100% accepting of it. I also think, as a progressive religious person (Reform Judaism) that traditional religious prohibitions on pre-marital sex and masturbation are not just wrong, but actually harmful and even evil. However, I am not on board with the notion that purely casual, no-strings-attached sex has the potential to be ethical or permissible. I certainly think there are worse things, and I know that it can be done safely. Nevertheless, in a cold, materialistic world where love and enduring emotional connection is so hard to come by, and very few things are considered sacred any more, I regard it as sad that otherwise intelligent, thoughtful, moral people seem to be okay with casual sex. I don’t like that the stigma around it is decreasing. I think that if one cannot help oneself, and descends into (safe) casual sex, that person should not be made to feel like dirt about it or derided or socially stigmatized, but I don’t think it should be encouraged either. Whenever I find out that one of my friends is engaging in casual sex, I gently implore them to consider discontinuing the practice for a whole host of reasons. I have lost friends over it, and I think it was worth it even for a slim chance of convincing them to stop.

    • @Jordan,

      I tend to share some of your views. I am certainly not what one would considered a “progressive” person. I certainly would not say I am pro-LGBT. Yet, I voted ‘FOR’ same sex marriage here in Maryland. Why? Simply because I do not feel government should have the right to determine who can get married and who cannot. State governments should not even be in the business of issuing marriage licenses, period. On a moral level (due to religious beliefs) I simply cannot accept homosexuality. However, I am not willing to go out and crusade against it. There are far bigger fish to fry.

      I think we are so adrift here in America because we have lost our anchor. We are no longer grounded in concrete rules that ask that we exercise restraint as oppose to indulgence. We have become a utilitarian society. This lead to ‘everything goes’ so long as no one is hurt. I reject such a view of society. Though not Jewish, I adhere more to the teachings of Judaism than Christianity. I love the views of Rabbi Boteach on how to live. I know you stated you are Reformed, which Rabbi Boteach and Rabbi Steinsaltz are pretty critical…

      You make some very good observations and great points. I think your suggestion on how to approach casual sex are on point.

      L’Chaim!

  16. What surprises me about the first comment to this post is that it works on the premise that if SOME people have happy casual sex, it’s somehow a threat to YOUR stable, emotionally engaged relationship.

    This is the same strange, righteous indignation with any lack of logic that feeds the ‘gay marriages make a mockery of straight marriages’ camp.

    Lacan had something to say about this. That there is a constant fear that the ‘joissance of others’ is always more perfect than our own, and this leads unconscious envy and hostility.

    Mrs. Delamore, the only way that the writer’s ‘casual sex’ pleasures threaten yours is if you actually believe that perhaps yours are not quite as wonderful as you wish they were.

    Personally, I don’t have a taste for sex on a casual basis. I find it easier and less complicated to masturbate. However, I certainly don’t condemn anyone else who can and does enjoy it.

  17. Robin, I’m just writing in with my PROPS for the great article. Sharing with friends — my equally sexually liberated male and female friends. We get you, but always good to share in our networks and as a reminder as why this way of living and loving is so very good.

    Keep up the good work, woman!

  18. I think the author makes a good point, that perhaps more women would be open to FWB type situations if the “F” part isn’t ignored. Just because some women would like to have a casual partner when they’re in between relationships doesn’t mean they are ok with that partner treating them like any less of a person for it, or that they don’t want to also have fun outside the bedroom, or leading up to it. I didn’t feel like the author was saying casual is for everybody or that everybody should seek out casual sex, but merely pointing out the different ways some women want those sort of relationships and how men can sometimes go about them in a way that makes women not want to.
    I am tired of how common black and white thinking is in regards to relationships. As if there is either non-sexual friendship, or you’re in love (or trying to become in love). But there’s a big area in between. I don’t do one night stands, but I have had some FWB before, with lovely friends who I can honestly say I do care about, but for various reasons I knew we weren’t meant for each other as a couple (and they knew too), but for a time we had sexy fun together in between serious stuff with others.

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  1. […] “How to Get Everything You Want from Casual Sex (Without Hurting People)”  […]

  2. […] article, How to Get Everything You Want Out of Casual Sex, was very well written and thought-provoking.  Although a few comments may have ruffled my […]

  3. […] flack that Robin Juliet (a pseudonym, AKA Panty Parade of Off Go the Panties) got from her article, How to Get Everything You Want from Casual Sex (without Hurting People). The comments that followed her story turned out to be a flame war that could have ignited a fire […]

  4. […] over at The Good Men Project who accepted my proposal to write (and eventually publish) my article “How to Get Everything You Want from Casual Sex (Without Hurting Anyone).”  The article offers some advice on how to engage in a respectful, casual relationship.  No biggie, […]

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