What does it mean when Dr. Steven Lake is straight but one of the best kisses he’s ever received came from a guy?
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When I was 23 years old, I was living in a West Coast city and had been hired for an eight-month acting gig that was fourteen hours away by train in a city in the middle of nowhere. It was a mild mid-August day when I boarded and flopped myself down on the bench seat. While looking out the window a woman sat down opposite me and smiled. Smiling is good, I thought. We whiled away the time talking to each other and flirting—or at least I was flirting. We sailed passed the coastal mountains, the Rockies and then onto the prairies. Fourteen hours is a long time to be flirting. I was definitely aroused, some might say suffering, by the time we pulled into the train station and parted ways.
I quickly walked to my friend’s place. He was a dancer . . . and yes, he was gay. He was a beautiful black man and we had been friends for over a year. I arrived at his place exhausted. It was late and going to sleep was my only thought. The couch looked promising but he offered to have me sleep in his bed—a large king sized bed, with satin sheets if I recall. Without thinking, I said thanks and was asleep before my head hit the pillow.
In my dream, I was kissing the girl from the train. It was so erotic and real. And then, ever so slowly, I started to wake up. It was like moving through molasses, everything in slow motion. I clawed my way back to consciousness and slowly realized that I was kissing, not the girl of my dreams, but the man in my bed—or rather, his bed. I put my hands on his shoulders and gently pushed him away, breaking the kiss. My thinking was slow but clear and I told him that as great as the kiss was, I was not inclined to continue.
You have to realize, up to that moment I had never been faced with such a direct challenge to my sexual orientation or had the opportunity to see which way I might swing. My conditioning was seriously challenged. It did not feel like it was a conscious decision on my part. It was as if some other part of me was talking and rediscovered in that moment. I also saw how easy it would have been to sleep with him. He had a beautiful face and body and I genuinely liked him.
My friend was not easily dissuaded and promised me the best blowjob in the world. I have no doubt that it would have been. After all, it was the best kiss I ever had. We bantered back and forth for ten minutes or so and he finally got that “no” meant “no.” That was it. We both went to sleep with no hard feelings.
But I think this moment is worth considering. I had just woken up from a dream and found myself kissing a man. This was the first man I had ever kissed in a sexual way. My response, after I broke away, was not anger, much to my surprise, but a calm, collected assertion of my preference for women. It was almost as if I was looking after his feelings. Simultaneously, I was thinking about the situation. I was in an aroused state during the dream and the wake-up process. If I wanted to explore or expand my sexual experiences, this was as good an opportunity as any. But I didn’t. Why not?
This story takes place just before HIV/AIDS swept across the world so I wasn’t worried for my health. The “no” was visceral but was it me or my conditioning? Why do I even question what happened? One thing is for sure, the experience is strongly imprinted on my mind, both the decision to say no and my gentle but clear communication with my friend afterwards.
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I work for the British Columbia Society for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse and hear cases of adults being sexually assaulted on a regular basis. Technically, this was a sexual assault. That thought never crossed my mind at the time. Was I flattered by his attention? Was I too shocked to be angered? Or maybe I was too tired and had defaulted to my standard conflict management style by talking my way out of it. Either way, I wasn’t afraid and went easily back to sleep.
The idea that men are restricted in how they relate, especially physically, has been on my mind of late. Back then, and from what I hear even today, society has ambivalent, if not hostile, reaction to public displays of male affection. One of my friends is very much in touch with his feminine side, to the point that he might be called “effeminate” by some. We are great buds. We play tennis, ski and used to double-date. We both happen to love dancing and sometimes we would go out without our female partners.
We were wild, fun-loving guys and had no problem dancing with each other. In some nightclubs this was no big deal and at other places not such a great idea. We gradually ended up dancing in gay bars so that we would not have any hassles. If you have never been, gay nightclubs are outrageous. We had a blast and all was good.
But not always. My buddy and I are physically affectionate and give hugs easily. One day we were going to meet at the gym to workout. We arrived at different times and when we saw each other we hugged. Not a long hug. Not a sexual hug. Just a solid brotherly hug and then proceeded to work out. About five minutes later a staff member came by and said the owner wanted to see us in his office. We looked at each other, shrugged our shoulders, and went to see him.
Guess what he wanted to talk about? Our hugging. The owner said someone had made a complaint. We were stunned and thought he was joking. He wasn’t. That was when I realized our society has some major problems with men showing affection to one another. Even a non-sexual contact was seen as a threat in the testosterone-laden locker room.
I have worked with gay men for over thirty years. They have been my colleagues, my artistic collaborators, my friends, my patients and my neighbors. My experiences with gay men have not changed my sexual orientation. Rather, they have taught me many things, enhanced my creativity and self-expression while allowing me to explore my sensitive and emotional side and most certainly, opened me up to another world while expanding my understanding of sexual minorities.
As for kissing a man, don’t worry guys, it may give you pause to think, but it won’t change you . . . unless you want it to.
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image credit: Flickr/Wonderlane
Other Articles by Dr. Steven Lake:
Control the Anger or Lose the Relationship
Getting Back to the Sweet Spot
All one has to do is replace the sleeping guy with a sleeping girl to put this into perspective. How would it have been received? The guy admits that he was dreaming he was kissing a women.
But even if the sleeping guy was gay, is it fair that we place a lower standard where a gay man, simply because he’s gay and sleeping in another gay mans bed, that he should be okay with an unsolicited move?
I read this and thought cool, you get it. However, after thinking about it, your right. This is, as you stated, a sexual assault. As a gay man/man, wonder why a friend would seek to “kiss me while half asleep or sleep”. What’s next? I would never consider taking advantage of a “friend”. I could be reading into this, but I think it sends a bad message to both straight and gay men. I’ve had gay friends that have made statements about straight men and I find it stupid and buying into stereotypes of sexual preference over true sexual expression… Read more »
What your “friend” did to you borders on sexual assault. Why you didn’t beat his ass into the dirt for that breach of trust is beyond me.
CW, you’re assuming facts not in evidence. Re-read what the author said, and pay better attention this time to what the author _didn’t_ say: “In my dream, I was kissing the girl from the train. It was so erotic and real. And then, ever so slowly, I started to wake up (…) and slowly realized that I was kissing, not the girl of my dreams, but the man in my bed. (…) I had just woken up from a dream and found myself kissing a man. This was the first man I had ever kissed in a sexual way.” Maybe… Read more »
Many gay guys are invested in “conquering” straight men. Good that your friend backed off, and that you retain no resentment towards him.
‘Scuze me, Rick, but I think you’re wrong. Sure, there are some gay men who like to babble about “getting”, “having”, or “conquering” straight men. In my experience, which may well be considerably more substantial than yours, that’s all it is: Talk, with no substance. Just like the straight men who like to babble—in the locker room or elsewhere—about “getting”, “having”, or “conquering” “chicks”. I think the number of gay men actually, genuinely interested in having sex with straight men is nonzero, but quite small. In fewer words: Your comment gives every appearance of perpetuating a dumb, baseless, and insulting… Read more »
“Many gay men are invested in ‘conquering’ straight men.” Invested how, like a mutual fund?
To echo Daniel’s comments, I’ve been an out gay man for nearly 20 years, and while I’ve heard (and done) my share of joking about “converting” straight men, I’ve not met someone who’s actually done, or even tried it. So please refrain from the generalities please.