Susie and Otto Collins break down one of the most toxic things to your sex life and relationship
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There’s a pervasive lie that causes big problems for men in their relationships. This lie isn’t often spoken out loud, but it’s clearly understood and is often responsible for the tension, fighting and dismal quality of sex (when and if it happens).
That lie is about the “J” word.
The “J” word is jealousy (if you haven’t already guessed it) and the lie is that jealousy is a “woman’s problem.” Sure, men get jealous, but the belief underlying most of our assumptions about relationships is that men are not the ones who get jealous.
Think about the stereotype of a jealous lover. What image come to mind?
Someone who interrogates, accuses, spies, stalks Facebook pages, sneaks to check his/her phone and frequently erupts in jealous meltdowns. Often, that “someone” is stereotypically a woman.
We all know how damaging (and wrong) stereotypes can be and this is just another example.
Yes, women do get jealous and sometimes even act in the ways described above. And yes, of course, men do too. Because of all of the other dominant stereotypes about masculinity and being a man, very few guys want to admit it—to themselves or to anyone else—that they feel jealous.
This resistance to talking about jealousy is part of what keeps men tense and shut down, and those qualities can contribute in a negative way to their relationship. This resistance to admitting that they’re jealous leads many men to pretend that they just don’t care, or even worse, they become controlling and possibly even abusive.
And this resistance also fuels jealousy itself, while also inciting suspicion, fear and insecurity. To deny jealousy when it’s there only makes jealousy stronger and more dangerous.
Jealousy—particularly unacknowledged jealousy—can take a serious toll on your relationship. Communication becomes tense, forced or breaks down into frequent misunderstandings and arguments about “nothing.” Jealousy also negatively affects the bedroom. In order for sex to be healthy, connecting and to feel good, you’ve got to have intimacy and openness. Intimacy, in particular, requires trust and trust is one thing that’s seriously damaged by jealousy.
If you want to have amazing sex with your partner, you’ve got to trust your partner (and vice-versa) and you can’t do that when jealousy takes over.
These 3 steps will take you out of jealousy and back to enjoying your relationship again…
Step 1: Own it.
The really tricky thing about jealousy is that you might not even know that what you’re feeling is jealousy. If you believe the gender stereotype that jealousy is a “woman’s problem,” your resistance may be hiding the truth and keeping you miserable.
If you’re feeling jealous, own it! Slow down and take a second look at your own thoughts and feelings when you’re doing things such as:
- Questioning your partner intensely.
- Spying or checking her/his phone without permission.
- Telling your partner who s/he can and cannot spend time with.
- Getting angry when the situation isn’t a big deal.
Whenever you feel worried, anxious, irritated, or like something just isn’t right, pause and consider what’s really going on.
Step 2: Interrupt it.
The quicker you recognize (and take ownership for) jealousy, the easier it is take care of and move past it. This means noticing when you’re feeling jealous and then interrupting whatever thoughts are running through your mind, whatever words are coming out of your mouth or whatever things you’re about to do that will cause trouble in your relationship.
Pause and interrupt.
Jealousy can make you think that you’re powerless, if you let it take over. But when you notice what’s going on and what’s driving you and then you prevent the reaction from taking place, you’re taking back your power, not relinquishing it.
The important thing is to give yourself space to make a conscious choice.
Step 3: Fact-check it.
In that space, you can calm down and figure out the facts. The best way to move past jealousy is to remind yourself of what’s actually true. The mind can make up some HUGE stories that seem very real in the moment and that cause you to say and do things you later regret.
But stories can be questioned. What’s actually true can be unearthed and, depending on what you discover, you can then decide what is appropriate and what you will do.
So remember, jealousy is not just a “woman’s problem,” it’s a human challenge, one that can be overcome.
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image credit: Flickr/Ed Yourdon
After having my X lie to my face about his infidelity and turn it around on me, and gaslight me, deceiving me utterly, about who the hell he was with, when and WTF, all I can say is my jealousy was warranted. And my sleuthing finally devolved to putting spyware on his computer and busting his ass big time. So when I picked up his phone to look at his text messages you can bet he accused me of jealousy and worse. The problem wasn’t that I was jealous. The problem was he was cheating and lying and utterly untrustworthy.… Read more »
What about the I word. Insecurity.
Become a confident, self secure, outstanding human being.
Focus on who you are.
Be the kind of person that everyone wants to be around and you’ll have no reason for jealousy.
It’s always about you.
Its never about the other person.
I agree but don’t be a narcissistic about it. It always boils down the facts folks. We all feel jealous at times but it’s how we act on it that matters. The question every one should ask themselves is, “Is your jealousy rational or is it based on assumptions?” Always…always check the Facts folks. Facts are what matter….and if you are a cheater,expect your partner to be jealous. They have a right to be.
I am a women and I do get jealous a lot easier than my husband does. I agree, though, that jealousy is definitely not only a stereotype of women. I find when men get jealous they are more likely to do dangerous things (like beat the shit out of another guy or even kill em) in an instant of passion while women are more spiteful and plot the hurt they intend to bestow onto their partner or partner’s lover. What this article doesn’t address is whether or not this applies to a situation where the partner really is doing something… Read more »
Interesting article, though it would nice to address the underlying roots of jealousy, which from what I understand has a lot to do with fear . . . all kinds of it. It is funny, yes and no, how so often fear leads to all kinds of irrational thoughts and behaviors. I could have done without the, “If you want to have amazing sex . . .” sentence. It comes across as a little shallow in the context of the article. For that kind of information I’ll just pick up an issue of Cosmo – by my count they must… Read more »
As a women with a partner who sleeps with multiple women…. not to my liking…. I can truly say that sex plays a huge role in this topic. The whole trust thing is extremely important for women. why do you think that women are less apt to just give it up to any dude who walks up to them…. most guys could care less about long they have known a girl before they have sex…. that is why female prostitution is and always has been so popular. If a woman doesn’t feel some kind of connection, or shall we say… Read more »
Crap, I saw “the J word” and thought this was going to be about being Jewish. I was thinking of “J Date.”
I agree with several other commenters about the “jealous boyfriend” as an extremely common stereotype out there. In fact, I see a lot of ways that people talk about jealousy as a fundamentally male problem: If a man’s jealous, then he’s an insecure, controlling asshole. If a woman’s jealous, then that’s his fault, too, because HE must be doing something untrustworthy. As for the “fact check” advice, I don’t think it’s bad advice, but ultimately there’s a point where the relationship boils down to trust that can’t be verified. You cannot PROVE that your partner has NOT cheated, because you… Read more »
Yes–I agree with Dan. When a man learns how to stand in his true center, know his self-worth, challenge his beliefs that have kept him down and speak from the truth of who he is, jealousy can be a non-issue. There are also situations where present, masculine men have loved and lost and don’t know how to find themselves again because they fear that if they open their heart again, they’ll just be hurt. Jealousy can be a wake up call and a message that some healing needs to take place inside you, especially if you’ve been hurt in the… Read more »
Yeah. Same as others. When I think jealous, I think men. Also: often when I think men, I think jealous. Yes, there’s the man and his jealous rage, but there’s also the man with his pitiful, moping jealousy, the pathetic whiner, which seems to exist wherever you turn, especially among millennials. Except for the handful of alphas, men today seem so insecure, so unsure of their own worth, so used to being put down, rejected, made to question their right to be proud as males, that the result is they cannot own their own spaces, can’t develop the confidence to… Read more »
For the record; the first thing that came to mind when I thought about a jealous lover was a man. I can think of many, many instances of jealous males in my personal life and in popular media.
I have no idea why the author seems to think that women are more often associated with jealousy.
Stephen, it’s a historical and cultural thing, to consider a woman much more jealous than a man. All I can say is, Othello, anyone? The condition of extreme jealousy is named after him, not after a woman. The amount of men who kill their partners in a fit of rage and jealousy with the theory ‘If I can’t have you, nobody will’ is alive and well, at least in the UK. Jealousy in women is common but the author is right, it’s not a woman thing, it’s a person thing. I find jealousy one of the things that will make… Read more »
… and in popular media.
I have no idea why the author seems to think that women are more often associated with jealousy.
i suspect this is due to generational differences and changes, in popular media depictions
Okay, now write an article about how to deal with jealousy – that’s what I want to know. Recognizing it within myself is not the problem. I get jealous. But what can I do with it?
“Think about the stereotype of a jealous lover. What image come to mind?”
I don’t know about this. I think the trope of the too-aggressive, in-your-face jealous dude is pretty pervasive. That stupid Axe commercial where the guy attacks the manikin comes to mind off the top of my head.
Good point, Bex.