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John and Jane just had a possible turning point in their marriage.
After another nasty exchange, John decided to finally stand up for himself and deliver a speech that came right from his heart.
He fearlessly spoke his truth for the first time ever in their marriage. It was bold and it felt good.
But he has made a common mistake.
John secretly thought his speech was so good that Jane would respond just as he wanted. He imagined her falling into his arms and crying. Then she would say how much she loved him and that she was sorry. John pictured her saying that she wants more respect, love and passion too. Then they would kiss and go to bed to make the kind of love they used to make. Then they would fall asleep with entangled bodies and big smiles on their faces.
Then John woke up.
“Screw you!” Jane said. “Aren’t you all Mr. cool and calm now? This is all your fault, you know? I don’t know if I can ever trust you. I’m grabbing my pillow and sleeping on the couch.”
John liked his imaginary version of the story much better.
“Man” he thought. “What did I do wrong?”
Then he made a common mistake and sent me an email with the title, “Dude, this isn’t working.”
♦◊♦
Why Isn’t This Working?
“Wrong question.” I told John.
“John, ‘why isn’t this working’ is the wrong question because this is not about making something ‘work’. You’re not trying to manipulate her.”
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“What do you mean?” he responded. “I told her my truth. I was hoping for a better reaction than that!”
“I was afraid of that. Remember, we talked about your expectations.” I said. “John, ‘why isn’t this working’ is the wrong question because this is not about making something ‘work’. You’re not trying to manipulate her. Your talk with Jane was not some magical cog meant to fix her or your marriage.”
I continued, “When you decided to speak your truth, you did it for one reason only. You wanted to clearly communicate for yourself and to Jane what your values are. Your speech was nothing more than a declaration of your love and what you want for your marriage. You set a boundary for how you want to treat her and how you expect to be treated. You invited her to join you. Your mistake is being attached to an anticipated reaction and believing you could “fix” her and her anger. You can’t.”
John replied, “Well it sucked. All I wanted was to feel a little effort on her part. A little reciprocation.”
“I know.” I said. “That would have been nice, but you have control over her reaction. Jane could have made herself throw you a bone to help you feel better – but she cannot make herself WANT to do it. The only power you have in this situation is clearly and unapologetically stating what you want and what you expect. You let her know what is non-negotiable for you in your marriage. The only control you have is in how you choose to think, speak and act from this point forward.”
♦◊♦
What if She Never Wants to Do It?
John pressed on, “I know I can’t make her WANT to stay with me. But what if she never comes around?”
“What if?” I asked.
“That would be the worst.” he said. “We would continue to be miserable and probably end up divorced.”
“And then what?” I asked.
Clearly frustrated, John replied, “Then we would end up like half of our friends. The kids would suffer and we both would wind up worse off financially. It just doesn’t have to end that way! She can help me save this if she wants to.”
“And what if you find out she just doesn’t want to?” I asked.
Now nearly in tears, John said, “Then I would have failed as a man and husband. I would have failed as a father. And I’ll probably end up alone and never see my kids. That’s the scary part.”
“The idea of her leaving me doesn’t feel as nearly as bad as my knowing that I’m letting her make me feel like such a spineless, undesirable, pathetic loser.”
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“So, you think your feelings of success and adequacy as a man, husband and father are under the direct control of a woman who has been disrespectful, dismissive and disinterested in you. You feel that your value and well-being as a man are measured by the level of Jane’s approval of you and her willingness to be intimate again with you. Do I have that right?” I said.
“It actually feels worse when you put it that way.” John answered.
“Worse than what?” I asked.
John chuckled and said, “The idea of her leaving me doesn’t feel as nearly as bad as my knowing that I’m letting her make me feel like such a spineless, undesirable, pathetic loser.”
“One last question.” I said. “No matter what Jane decides to do with her life, what are the chances of you winding up as a spineless, undesirable, pathetic loser?”
“Nearly zero”, he grinned. “I can do better. I deserve better. But I still love her, you know?”
“Yes, I know, buddy.”
♦◊♦
John’s Next Steps
John now has a clearer glimpse into the mindset he needs to move forward. This is a man’s mojo.
It’s a feeling of strength, clarity and confidence.
A man with these qualities is much better poised to deal with himself and his relationship. He responds to the stress with a clear head instead of reacting like the 15 yr. old boy inside him. His decisions and responses can come from a place of strength and love for himself and his marriage.
Will a new mindset “save his marriage”? There is no way to know. It sounds like the old marriage doesn’t need saved. John’s new mindset will help him learn how to create something new. Only Jane can decide if she wants to be a part of that.
♦◊♦
Your Turn
What do think John’s next steps should be?
Can you understand his fears?
What would say to him at this point?
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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I wrote a special report for men in John’s shoes. Download your free copy of “The Hard to Swallow Truth About Saving Your Marriage” by clicking HERE.
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Photo credit: iStock
Hey D,
I know…it’s hard to tell what she’s thinking.
Stay tuned for the next chapter. I’m taking the story down a path a lot of men can relate to.
Jane is just not worth it.
Idk man, I just get the feeling that she wants out… fanning insignificant little remarks into conflagrations, over and over again. If she wanted something to change, for the relationship to remain intact, John’s shift in his responses would have at least given her pause, I think. On the other hand, if she uses threats of divorce, belittling, and other forms of emotional abuse as a means of control, it would not be in her best interest to force the marriage to a breaking point. Abusive partners usually try to maintain the relationship, loan sharks would rather intimidate than physically… Read more »
Steve, The John / Jane series has been a tough one to swallow, well… because much of it was mirrored in my own. It’s generated a sh*t-ton of comments from the entire gamut of both sides (anger and acceptance) and everything in between. Then John woke up. Indeed. — Only Jane can decide if she wants to wake up too. Sometimes they choose not to. — Only until John has already found his worth inside *himself* can he finally realize that it’s not going to be the end of the world if she decides to stay asleep, and it was… Read more »
“In fact it’s just begun”….indeed.
You made me smile today and I’m happy for you. That’s what it feels like when a man wakes up. Your comment is pure gold.
Thanks, MJP. You’re going to be just fine.
Correction to a typo. Should have said, “That would have been nice, but you have NO control over her reaction.”