Elisabeth Corey asks, “Is there an innate biological inclination in boys to fill a masculine or protective role?”
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When I became a single mother, I knew it was going to be hard. I knew there would be a lot of guessing, especially since I didn’t have real parents. I knew it would be a tremendous strain on my energy, time and finances. I knew I would want to pull out my hair. I even knew it would be scary. But nothing could prepare me for my relationship with my little boy. Nothing could prepare me for the doubt, confusion and downright terror that come with raising a little boy, as a single mother, with no father-figure in his life.
I have made mistakes. I have spent much of the past seven years learning how a little boy is supposed to act. I don’t mean the societal norm that has been set for boys. I mean their innate tendencies that are so critical to their positive growth … the tendencies that society suppresses. I now understand that boys never stop moving … ever. I get that boys want to learn with their entire body and soul. I have come to realize that a full-fledged attack on my physical being is just another way of saying “I love you.” I have also learned about the male bathroom etiquette. Unfortunately, it was a little too late to avoid an embarrassing incident. I will always have a little guilt about that.
I have heard the stories about boys feeling pressure to “be the man of the house” when there is no man in the house. Before it happened to me, I assumed that other mothers were doing something to pressure those boys in to feeling that way. I am a self-described feminist. I believe that women and men are capable of anything. I have gone out of my way to show my children that I am a strong woman who can run a household financially, physically and emotionally. I don’t put pressure on my children to take on responsibilities that are beyond their years. I have always been concerned that they will be jilted out of a childhood because they don’t have a father. And I will not allow that. I have been learning to set clear boundaries, but I cannot claim perfection … just awareness.
So I was a little surprised recently when it occurred to me that my son may be acting out a felt pressure to help me run our household. It’s been going on for years, but it wasn’t obvious. Mainly, I just saw his actions as a “control thing”. He likes to have control over whatever he can. This is his nature. But I have come to realize that his constant suggestions may be his attempt to be an adult.
In some way, I believe he is trying to figure out what adults do. And part of that may be normal for his age. But I can’t help but wonder if he feels he needs to fill a role. His father left too early for him to remember the role in our household, but he sees it in other families. He sees it on television and in the movies. He knows the role exists in many homes. He may be thinking since he’s the only guy in the home, he better figure out how to fill the role.
I am a big advocate of the influence of environmental factors in raising a child. I do believe that biological factors can shift when the environment changes. I know this to be true because it has happened in my own life as I have escaped my own family environment. However, I do have to wonder about the innate traits that come with a little boy. Is there an innate biological inclination in boys to fill a masculine or protective role? Or is the societal message so strong that they feel the pressure right out of the gate?
If the societal message is creating the intense pressure on boys to be responsible for their family from an early age, then shame on us. If there is an innate tendency, we need to find a way to relieve the pressure they put on themselves, so that they don’t forget to let go and have fun.
The other day, my son told me something as fact while I was driving him to school. He was absolutely sure he was right. I explained to him that it wasn’t always true. He responded, “How was I supposed to know that, mom? I am just a kid.” I was relieved to hear it. On some level, I thought he had forgotten that he was a kid. I want him to embrace his childhood. I want him to play and build and be the physical boy he needs to be. I want him to leave the pressure of figuring everything out to the adults. I want him to worry less about the protector role that he may see as his inevitable responsibility. It is too early for that pressure. He is just a kid. I hope he can remember he is just a kid.
Photo: Flickr/WoodleyWonderWorks
Originally appeared at Trafficked
My impression: Parentification. Although I read the entire post, the red flags are right in the first paragraph.
Thank you for that deep, insightful psychoanalysis of my family environment.
Apologies if that touched a nerve.
I’m sure it’s much more comfortable to think there must be a biological factor, or something else within the child, rather than something within yourself.
Best wishes on your journey.
No nerve touched here. I am not inexperienced enough to believe such simple judgments about the human experience. As my blog indicates, I examine all aspects of myself, our environment and my children’s innate characteristics. Nothing is so black and white.
I’m not sure if it is anything to do with gender – I think this applies as much to girls and especially to the older sibling who often feels a sense of responsibility.
My children are twins, one boy, one girl. In our family, I happen to see this in my son, but not in my daughter. It may have nothing to do with gender and everything to do with personality.
Elizabeth, the first one of your articles I responded to was “The Innocence of Man,” and I told you it was a pleasure to read your words. I wanted to tell you I found this article just as insightful, follow your example and share a little of my own experience. At the age of eleven, I called the paramedics to come and save my alcoholic mother’s life. I did not know that when I hung up that phone, that I had assumed the leadership role in my family. By the age of thirteen I made all the financial decisions, and… Read more »
Thank you for your comments. I am so sorry you experienced that type of childhood. I am all too familiar with growing up too fast. It isn’t fair to do that to kids. You read my mind with your advice. I have been talking more openly with him lately about how he “gets to be a kid right now” and “he doesn’t have to worry about all that adult stuff”. He seems to be taking it in.
I kind of felt that pressure growing up with just my mom and I after my parents got divorced when I was 2yo.
Now I see my older son doing it now that his mother and I have been separated for over a year.
I don’t know that it is something that you can teach away…
I’m not sure either.
Elisabeth
Your son is seven years old?
Even if men have instincts to protect women, he is just seven years old.
Some psychologist mean men have that instinct. Still I think it is problematic when a seven year old feel he has to be the man of the house.
I read about your background and wonder if you are vulnerable after all the terrible things that happened to you.
Maybe the little guy picks up this feelings of vulnerability in you?
Thank you Kim. I struggle with your word “vulnerable”. To me, vulnerability is the ultimate strength. I have struggled to be truly vulnerable in the past. Part of that is because of my trauma. Part of that is because I am a human having a human experience. And vulnerability is hard. If you mean that I am indicating to him that I am struggling with my role as the leader of the house, I guarantee you that I am not.
Hi Elisabeth
When I say I about myself that I am vulnerable it means that due to earlier life experiences , I will probably be able to carry less stress,and will probably not be as strong in all life situations as a person that come from a background of safety and caring.
In other words it means to be more sensitive and not able to always he as strong as others.
Maybe you have no vulnerabilities at all Elisabeth.
It sounds like you see my comment as an insult.
Hi Kim, I did not mean to give you the impression that I thought it was an insult. I think I just define that word differently. I have been working very hard to be vulnerable. This article and most of my blog entries are attempts at vulnerability (Brene Brown style). My abusive past manifests as anxiety, and usually, I handle that with Type A, Control Freak Perfectionism. That is my poison pill of choice. And so, I am working to let go, go with the flow, and all the other things that mean calm down. Honestly, I know that will… Read more »