Dr. Philip B Dembo asks what critical conversations we need to be having about modern masculinity.
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Last Thursday, April 23rd, my wife Linda and I were guests for the LA screening of a new documentary film, “The Mask You Live In; Modern Masculinity” by Jennifer Seibel Newsom, executive produced by Maria Shriver.
At the end of the film, Maria moderated an expert panel discussion on the topic of “Modern Masculinity” and the variables related to the struggle of growing up to be a “man;” the truth of who you are and the pressure to wear a mask the world “expects” to see.
The film itself was very well done and kept you fully engaged through out. There were, however, moments in it where I found myself needing it to go deeper, in an effort to help us see beyond the usual conversation. Similarly, during the panel that followed, I once again found myself needing us to go deeper.
If the goal of this film was to move us to begin the conversation, then the filmmaker did a very effective job. The plea from the panel of experts was to do the very same: begin the “critical conversation” as panelist Jackson Katz so aptly said.
But…
What is this “critical conversation, we need to be having?
Panelist and CNN reporter Josh Levs believes that we should be talking about the policies and laws that allow the “new man” the rights and freedoms to be the husband, father and citizen he is ready to be. Katz, an expert on this issue of masculinity and culture who is featured in the film, believes we must take a look at the history of masculinity and the cultural effects of gender relations on how boys become men. Tony Porter, who is also featured in the film, suggests that we must demand a conversation among men and between men to begin holding ourselves accountable for the truth of who we are.
Yes, we need to acknowledge that men have come a long way and that society must evolve in its policies for the new Millennial Man. Yes, we must attach an understanding of the gender relationships and societal norms to the building of the “mask”. And yes, absolutely, as Porter said, we must hold men accountable for being…well, “men”.
But… it is my contention that, to be effective in this “critical conversation”, we must understand what it is exactly and why it is so critical.
Watch the film. You’ll find the statistics on all these cultural issues are staggering. The percentages of males involved in violence of all kinds are eye opening. The stereotype of the male “mask” is clear if not cliché. And the answers to the questions posed seem to only lead us to more questions. You see, before we can make sense of the culture around us, we must understand the culture within us.
Let me explain: There is a segment in the film where a young educator is sitting in a circle with a group of teenage boys. He hands out to each of them a paper mask. He then directs them to write, on the front of the mask, words that reflect what they want the outside world to see…
… and on the backside of the paper, words that reflect feelings they try to hide from the world.
It is a powerful moment in the film, each boy sharing the image that they create and the pain and anger they hide. And here is where the “critical” part of the conversation must start!
In every experience we have, there is a feeling that leads to a thought, that leads to a decision, that leads to an action.
Feeling. Thought. Decision. Action
There are the feelings we are hiding and a mask we are showing, BUT there is a whole experience of feelings about choosing the mask in the first place. It is in that moment of conflict where “character development” is at a critical juncture. It is the development or underdevelopment of our individual conscience where we find the answer to the questions of change in modern masculinity (or all humanity, for that matter).
We feel pain. We create masks to hide. But when we make a choice in that moment to hide our truth and represent ourselves from the mask we wear, our conscience comes screeching to a halt.
Why do boys grow up to be men who act like little boys? Because as they grow up, their character development doesn’t necessarily grow up with them.
Character development is critical to our discussion.
As we see images in the movie of boys who murder, or men who objectify women, we focus on the feelings behind the mask, without understanding the moment at which “everyone else” comes off the boy’s radar, other than himself. He is so focused on his decision to hide, that he abandons any awareness of how that decision actually affects other people. Mass killings, rape, infidelity or just male bravado about a woman that walks by, has only one person on that guy’s radar…himself. His intention is only about his own image and removes any human connection to the people he may effect.
Character development is the ability to see everyone as you see yourself and represent your own truth while keeping an awareness of how it affects those around you. This, my friends is a massive conversation and permeates though all people, all genders and is at the core of one’s ability to live with the courage to be who you actually are!
In my book, “The Real Purpose Of Parenting, The Book You Wish Your Parents Read”, I focus on this very issue. We must raise a “conscience” while we raise a child! Or they will never feel comfortable in their own skin and will never see anyone else beyond their own wants and needs. And they will spend their lives building and wearing masks, never actually being truthful.
Unless the conscience within us is an immovable foundation of our identity, it really won’t matter whether we wear a mask or not. Because this isn’t only about “the mask we live in” but what happens to us just before the mask goes on.
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This article originally appeared on MariaShriver.com.
Photo credit:lauren rushing/flickr