The headlines are about marriage equality. The big changes. The historic victories. JJ Vincent just wants to hold his partner’s hand.
Every time another state takes a step towards marriage equality, I am thrilled. Every time I see a crowd of same-sex couples in the media, cheering and kissing and waving, or standing grimly, waiting for the next fight, my spirit is with them.
But my heart wishes for some smaller victories, too.
I want to hold my partner’s* hand when we go the Big Store. Or to the mall. Or to a concert.
We are very circumspect now. He’ll put his hand behind his back and I’ll touch his fingers. Very close to him, and quickly. I’ll put my hand on his shoulder for a second to point out something. He’ll swipe “something” out of my hair. I’ll bump into him as I walk by.
These tiny affections are bold enough, and there are plenty of places where even these are too much for our comfort. It’s not even a spoken decision. You learn to read your environment and figure out where it’s best to stay a bit apart.
Two guys out together is not such an odd site, even here in Alabama. I don’t know how many of these pairs are like us. I suspect more than we think. But they are as careful as we are.
It’s not this way everywhere. We have plenty of places where we feel comfortable touching one another on the back, or leaning over to whisper something, or reaching into one another’s backpack to fish out a wallet or a water bottle.
I want to hold his hand when we go the Big Store. Or to the mall. Or to a concert. But I don’t. What hurts, every day, is the knowledge that we have to monitor this, to be on alert to our surroundings.
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What hurts, every day, is the knowledge that we have to monitor this, to be on alert to our surroundings.
The knowledge that despite our nearly 10 years together, I cannot openly hold his hand. More precisely, I choose not to, because of the risk this presents to us, in a very real and physical way. I cannot lean over and kiss him. I cannot give him a long, comforting hug, because two men don’t do that, unless they’re f–king f—-ts or close friends or comrades in arms mourning a deep loss. It’s quite obvious where we fall in that.
I don’t want to slobber and crawl all over him. I don’t like seeing anyone do that in public, and I’m certainly not going to do it. But they can if they want to, and at worst risk some looks of disgust.
A few weeks ago, as he was leaving a place where everybody knows us, I called out, “I love you!” as he walked out the door. I was mocked for the rest of the day, and not in a friendly way, by several people. I’d forgotten myself. Around them, we have a code, gestures that we have deemed acceptable that can get us through a long day without making anyone uncomfortable.
I don’t know of a single straight couple who careful manages and alters their affection and interaction to accommodate the people around them. They don’t have to. They are the norm, the default, what people are used to seeing. They kiss at a party, no one cares.
We kiss at a party, half of the room pauses for a moment.
I’m eternally grateful for our friends, the ones who don’t care, the ones who wouldn’t care if we were in a tangled arms and legs pile frantically licking each other’s faces next to them. Well, they’d care, but only because that’s kind of icky, not because it’s two dudes.
I know there are plenty of you reading this and thinking that people don’t care as much as we think they do, that they are too worried about their own stuff and their own lives and their own shopping lists and kids and whatever, and that seeing two guys hold hands or touch one another in a gentle affectionate way won’t bother them.
I know there are plenty of you reading this and thinking that people don’t care as much as we think they do. And you may be right. But that we even have to think about that is what sets us, as a couple, apart from any straight couple out there.
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And you may be right.
But that we even have to think about that is what sets us, as a couple, apart from any straight couple out there, even the ones who met in Vegas two hours ago and got married because…well…because.
A piece of paper conferring legal status is a wonderful thing.
But while it may give you the right to file taxes jointly and sit with one another in the hospital, it’s a very flimsy shield against plain, everyday, run-of-the-mill, walks-down-the-sidewalk, hiding-in-plain-sight hate.
photo courtesy of the author
*I have two partners, a guy partner and a girl partner. Here, I am referring to my guy partner as partner.
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But that we even have to think about that is what sets us, as a couple, apart from any straight couple out there,…
very good point jj
Is this something particulalrly tricky in Alabama? Jj here in Spain in a super conservative, post facist era country with a powerful Catholic church, I have to say that same sex couples showing signs of affection in public, like holding hands and kissing is perfectly normal – even in my tiny traditional village. I feel sad that this isn’t the case where you are……
Hi Neil. From what I understand, what would be considered taboo affection between men here in the States, particularly in religiously and socially conservative areas, is seen differently in much of Europe. Perhaps because men touch more casually there (bear hugs, kissing on cheeks, walking arm in arm), men touching affectionately doesn’t have the same stigma that it does here, where any touch between men is widely frowned upon?
In fairness, in Spain men touching affectionately also doesn’t immediately connote homosexuality, either.
Michael, I am referring to unequivocal touches between same sex partners, holding hands walking down a street, arms around each other, men kissing each other on a beach, etc So I don;t mean hetro affection but the sort of touch that can only happen between lovers and partners. Spain is surprisingly and fantastically out…..
LOVE YOU BOTH.
But please, no face licking, that’s just icky. 😉