From Fetish Sex Expert Galen Fous MTP: If you and a lover crave rough sex, follow the rules of consensual engagement.
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The public conversations arising around consent and sex, particularly D/s-BDSM sex, are the most valuable result of this unfolding Ghomeshi saga. Even though millions of people around the world are already engaging in consensual, negotiated D/s-BDSM sex, the general culture is still catching up to understanding this emerging dimension of human sexuality.
Between the phenomena of 50 Shades of Grey, the explosive burst of Kink awareness unleashed by Ghomeshigate and the imminent release of the 50 Shades of Grey movie, D/s-BDSM sexuality is jumping into the cultural mainstream like a whale in a bathtub.
D/s-BDSM sexuality is getting major cred these days. It is ALMOST normal now to talk about D/s-BDSM in national media, and solicit expert opinions and analysis, as is the case with Ghomeshi’s story.
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The media of all sorts is awash in every speculative view imaginable about the “truth” about Ghomeshi…which is totally the norm for celebrity scandals. But there is a pleasantly significant difference
Had this happened 20 years or more ago, no media would have been seeking out members of the D/s-BDSM communities to give their POV’s. This story would only follow the oft-repeated drama of the fall from grace, vilification, and ruin of the alleged perp.
D/s-BDSM sexuality or what I call Fetishsexuality is getting major cred these days. It is ALMOST normal now to talk about D/s-BDSM in national media, and solicit expert opinions and analysis, as is the case with Ghomeshi’s story.
The HuffiPost Live ran a 30 minute segment hosted by Ricky Camilleri that featured three Kink community experts taking an in-depth look into the notions of consent, negotiation and D/s-BDSM orietned sex. The segment included Kitty Stryker, @kittystryker (San Francisco, CA) Co-Editor, Consent Culture; Margaret Corvid @Mistress_Magpie (Plymouth, United Kingdom)Professional Dominatrix; Writer; and Susan Wright @NCSF (Phoenix, AZ) Founder of National Coalition for Sexual Freedom
It was a mature, insightful, respectful discussion that helped normalize everyday consensual D/s-BDSM, and contrast it with non-consensual abuse.
The tidal wave of Kink and D/s-BDSM sexuality emerging globally over the last 30 or so years, is still at a very adolescent stage. It’s expression is often immature reckless and uninformed. This means exuberant exploration on the one hand and irresponsibility, clumsiness and manipulation, if not harm on the other.
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Ghomeshi’s case offers an entirely new context as well in that it began with his ownership of his sexual preference for kinky BDSM sex. The fall from grace sagas generally start as an expose of some sort of infidelity or sordid perversity that the accused would most likely attempt to dodge or deny initially. Ghomeshi came right out. He owned his inherent desire for kinky sex and that he participated in consensual kink. To me that is equivalent to a celebrity unapologetically coming out as gay in the 50’s and 60’s. In that era, such startling revelations were a wakeup call as to what was rising in the cultural landscape of the time – the full emergence of gay and lesbian culture. Kink is poised at the equivalent moment in my view and that is a very welcome, complex and exciting development.
But even so, this tidal wave of Kink and D/s-BDSM sexuality emerging globally over the last 30 or so years, is still at a very adolescent stage. It’s expression is often immature reckless and uninformed. This means exuberant exploration on the one hand and irresponsibility, clumsiness and manipulation, if not harm on the other.
Sexual dishonesty, hiding one’s authentic sexuality and fear of other’s discovering one’s desires for kinky sex is unfortunately still pervasive. I hope this issue of how challenging it can be for people to be sexually honest and the encouragement of people to be who they are sexually is the next cultural conversation that emerges. This means ending the vilification of other’s sexuality and the fear of other’s discovering the truth about our own authentic desires. Otherwise shadowy, risky, unhealthy and non-consnesual behaviors will continue to be the way many people will express their kinks.
This shadowy non-consensual expression seems significant but also perplexing in Ghomeshi’s case. The paradoxes of consent/non-consent practices are intriguingly highlighted. The non-consensual, brutish aspects alleged to Ghomeshi from the women who have come forward, and the reported consensual, considerate Dominant side of Ghomnshi , are both curiously on display.
Social or bar scenes are not the place to hook up for a D/s-BDSM play session. Consent requires sobriety and clarity of mutual interest.
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The allegations of Ghomeshi’s non-consensual engagements have been prominently reported. But in a recent Dan Savage column, a casual D/s-BDSM partner of Ghomeshi stepped forth and described him as conscious in his negotiations, consensual in practice and with a genuine concern and responsiveness for her overall well-being in their numerous engagements.
I have been practicing and teaching conscious D/s-BDSM techniques for 15 years. The Ghomeshi described in the Savage piece is practicing D/s-BDSM in a conscious, consensual, negotiated aware and present manner. A Conscious Dominant in this regard is proactively ahead of the curve of consent. This means that their core intention is to keep their partner emotionally, physically and spiritually safe. A Conscious Dominant is aware of their partner’s body language, breathing patterns, skin tone, facial expression and other cues that may indicate some internal shift in their submissive that shows they are no longer consensually and erotically engaged. This would be a place to stop the scene and check in with your partner to learn what has shifted for them and take appropriate action to support them however they may need right then. The scene is stopped until the moment is satisfactorily resolved. If this was an accurate account by the woman in the Dan Savage column, how Ghomeshi could revert to the invasive, coercive, shadowy, non-consensual Dom described in the other allegations is a baffling aspect of this story.
It is critically important to develop and embrace a code of conduct as a Conscious Dominant. The overt aspects of negotiation, consent and safety are paramount.
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The general culture at this point is not aware how to handle the paradox of D/s-BDSM sex negotiations. Social or bar scenes are not the place to hook up for a D/s-BDSM play session. Consent requires sobriety and clarity of mutual interest. I like you, you are attractive, I want to kiss you, requires a lengthy and sturdy bridge of negotiation and consent to shift to, I want to pull your hair, tie you up and dominate you. Mr Ghomeshi seems to have failed in this regard, and miserably so multiple times.
It is critically important to develop and embrace a code of conduct as a Conscious Dominant. The overt aspects of negotiation, consent and safety are paramount. But subtler qualities are also very important to cultivate. Self-awareness, presence, embodiment, listening/observing and stage by stage pacing build the trust and intimacy that can allow each partner to access the depths of erotic experience not available otherwise. A Conscious Dominant is much more like a martial artist, than a street fighter, though with a safe foundation and exit strategy if needed, some form of no holds barred street fighting can be way hot as well!
For me it is all about Eros and creating a safe container to allow this hidden, often repressed, volcanic aspect of our sexual desire to express fully.
When this story started to gain steam, after Ghomeshis’ firing, I had a strong reaction internally based on my own personal experience. I felt angry and righteous about the rush to judgment by many media and individuals, based on a few anonymous sources making allegations about abuse. I knew how lynch mob mentalities can get ugly really quick. In my personal lynching back in 1999, during a divorce, my ex viciously outed me to a world that was clueless about consensual D/s-BDSM. The divorce courts stripped me of my home, business, parenting rights, and civil rights. As well I was made an outcaste in my social and professional community of 25 plus years over my ex’s hysterical unfounded lies about my “sick pathological desires” for D/s-BDSM. She outed me to all my family, her family, my two teen sons, all our couples friends, employees and anyone else she could tell, and with the most sordid spin about my desires. I was thrown right down there with the rapists and child-molesters. The truth had no bearing on any of this in the courts and cultural landscape of the day.
People’s inherent fear about sex and lack of understanding about consensual D/s-BDSM sexuality led them all to jump to the conclusion that I must be a very sick, disgusting perverted man. I own that I am, and very so, but only with a consenting partner!
The blessing of being viscously and thoroughly outed, as horrid as it was, was that I no longer needed to keep my sexuality secret. Everyone I might have wanted to hide this aspect of my sexuality from now knew! I would not be the advocate for sexual freedom and healing I have gotten to be in the public arena, had I not been outed. I do not recommend it, as a method to be sexually authentic and whole, but it was effective. I am most grateful to be so! And my sons and I now have an awesome relationship and nothing is hidden from them, so I am even more grateful!
With the cascading accusations of Ghomshi’s non-consensual engagements, this story and what the full truth turns out to be, is entering very complex territory. I own my initial response was triggered by my personal experience and I viewed Ghomeshi as being slandered via anonymous accusers and judged without due process, which is still the case. But it is clear that all sides of this saga needs a deeper view before conclusions can be made. And with no criminal investigation being considered that may be next to impossible.
Nonetheless, beyond whatever the personal sides of this story may become the larger conversation about the nuances and normality of D/s-BDSM, consent, education and best practices have made a giant leap forward.
You’re right that the Ghomeshi case has opened the dialogue of BDSM and the blurred lines of abuse, that of power and that of which is physical. I wonder if you could offer your perspective on the timelines. That is, from what we know of those who have come forward to tell their stories of their negative encounters with Ghomeshi, seem to be from events which occurred in the early 2000’s. Dan Savage has reported that one woman commuincated to him her more recent positive experience with Ghomeshi and BDSM. So, I guess I’m wondering if perhaps Ghomeshi did not… Read more »
Interesting idea of the timeline as a factor. BUt I seem to recall the most recent incident was last spring…at least that is the allegation. Will see what unfolds. I appreciate your empathy to my own situation!
I admit to feeling conflicted about all the hoopla over BDSM sex. Maybe it’s because I’ve studied Buddhism but it seems to me that it us not spiritually healthy to indulge a desire to hurt others (even if they consent). The human propensity toward violence and cruelty is the worst part of our nature. We should strive to overcome sadistic impulses by cultivating feelings of empathy and compassion. In the long run, nothing good can come from indulging violent thoughts and fantasies. I am not trying to be judgmental toward anyone who is able to engage in BDSM safely and… Read more »
Fetishsexuality is empowering and healing when approached consciously. THat is my experience, and addresses what I heard as your concerns. It requires maturity and clarity of communication and intention and safe practices to engage the paradox of consent/non-consent in an compelling ecstatic erotically charged way. Otherwise it will look like what you describe and lead to expose’s like Ghomeshi’s.