Barbara Gold looks at relationships beyond sexual intimacy: questions like wanting children, knowing what’s truly important to you, and having the courage to stick out the fight to find the right person.
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A wonderful quote from a (sadly) little known movie starring Cate Blanchett, Bruce Willis and
Billy Bob Thornton entitled “Bandits” goes like this. Bruce and Billy Bob’s characters are
literally fighting over who “gets” to keep Cate’s character, who walks up to them and asks, “Are you boys sure you don’t want to kick my tires first?” Now, I’m no expert on this, but I think that’s one way guys used to check out a car—by kicking the tires. Since we can’t do that with a person, how do we determine if they’re really what and whom we’re looking for? Choosing a partner is very complex and requires a balanced blend of emotion, understanding and thought!
Let’s look at the example of important decision making when buying a house. We look carefully and thoroughly. First we decided if we’re ready and can afford to own a home. We usually find a realtor to show us houses fitting our needs, the school district we want, our desired areas, and comps to make sure the price is fair. Once we find a house, we negotiate a price, find out about property taxes, search out the best interest rate, hire inspectors, find a lender, insurance company, etc.
This obviously goes way beyond tire kicking. Yet do we do anything close to this much scrutiny when we choose a partner? I suggest most often we don’t. Although, I certainly am not implying that this is a business deal, I do submit that a committed relationship deserves at least as much time, effort and learning as does buying a house or any other big decision.
Perhaps, understandably, we don’t want to be talked out of what the heart wants. Sometimes this works out okay, but sometimes it doesn’t.
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Unfortunately, people often neglect to do this. I do understand that the heart wants what the heart wants. I also realize that choosing a partner is a very emotional process. I believe however, that it is important to address practicality and that not enough people take the time to do this. Perhaps, understandably, we don’t want to be talked out of what the heart wants. Sometimes this works out okay, but sometimes it doesn’t. On the other hand, some people do just the practical and neglect the heart part. As I said earlier, this is a complex decision!
A similar pattern often exits when people become sexually involved without finding out if the other person is sexually healthy. Of course that interferes with the flow of going with the moment and the passion. On the other hand, STIs and STDs abound, and the level of denial which must be present to ignore that is alarming. One of the reasons for this, based on my professional experience, is that most people have a really difficult time talking about sex altogether, so they just skip that part. This is risky behavior.
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I believe another part of this is our difficulty in taking care of ourselves. We don’t want to appear “selfish” or treat sexual intimacy like a business transaction. First, keep in mind the all-important fact that we have to love ourselves first before entering into a loving partnership with another. That said, I do believe there are ways to have this conversation which speak to concern not only for ourselves, but for our partners as well. And while we’re on the subject, I want to make clear that when I say “sex” I am talking about sexual intimacy —not just intercourse. Sex and intercourse are not synonymous!
Going beyond sexual intimacy to look at how we learn about our partners, many questions come to mind. Do I know myself and what’s important to me? Do I know if my partner shares the same mindset? Do we both agree on having children? Do we share similar views on money and what to do with it? If I am a left-leaning liberal, does it matter if my partner is a staunch Republican? Does religion play a part for either one of us in terms of compatibility and/or childrearing? How do our backgrounds compare? If there is a large disparity can we be comfortable operating in a different world? Are we sexually compatible-have we talked about how to manage different libidos? Are we socially compatible? Do we like each other’s friends? Family? How do we fit in our needs for space? Since no two people will be completely compatible in all areas, can we comfortably tolerate those differences in one another?
This is just a suggestion of some of the issues which might arise to cause difficulties in a relationship and ideas of where priorities have to be established by each and discussed with the other. So often, we hear what we want to hear and move on from there. I believe this is human nature, and that we’re not to be faulted for being human. That said, the more we can learn, discuss, negotiate and plan, the better equipped we are for a positive outcome and a collaborative partnership.
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Many people are shocked to learn that how we choose a partner is in great part unconscious. We very often seek out what’s comfortable and familiar, even if it also creates distress and disharmony. For example, if your mother was emotionally smothering and without boundaries, you might very well unconsciously choose a partner with similar traits, or if you had a father who was emotionally distant, you might choose a partner who is emotionally unavailable. The unconscious goal is to get a better result this time than you were able to achieve with your parents. This seems counterintuitive. Why would I want someone who gives me something I don’t want or fails to give me something I do? It all gets back to the original imprinting and the powerlessness we feel as children to change our parents into becoming what we want and need. So, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.
Despite the fact that choosing a partner is not simple, the healthier we are, the more likely we are to choose a healthy partner and get a better outcome
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My favorite metaphor to explain this unconscious reconstruction goes like this. We’re walking down the street, and we see an apple tree. We think “Hmm, an apple would taste good right about now.” So we walk up to the tree to look for an apple in its branches. Failing to find one, we think, “Well, maybe the apple fell to the ground.”, and we look around the tree for an apple. Finally, having no luck in finding an apple, we shake the tree in hopes that perhaps there’s an apple in one of the higher branches which we can’t see, but can shake loose. Nothing falls. We finally give up and walk on without an apple. At some future time, we find ourselves on that same road again and encounter that same apple tree. Once more, we go through all the steps trying to find the apple, still, with no luck. The same results occur. We repeat this process as many times as necessary until hopefully, we come to the realization that even though it’s an apple tree, it has no apples. At that point, we cease to try to find the apple from the source which doesn’t provide it.
If you apply this to finding a partner, using the above examples, you’ll begin to see that if you find someone with good boundaries who is able to be loving and nurturing without being smothering and who is independent but available and connected, then you have your apple. You may not find yourself attracted to this initially, but the right mix, over time, has the potential to turn into multiple, consecutive apples—maybe even enough for an apple pie!
Despite the fact that choosing a partner is not simple, the healthier we are, the more likely we are to choose a healthy partner and get a better outcome. The creation of the “translation” of intimacy to, “into-me-see” does a great job clarifying the meaning of that word. It’s literally letting someone see into you and you into them. Although it is a blissful state, it can also scare the dickens out of people at times.
Intimacy may or may not include sexual intimacy. One of the things which makes sexual intimacy in a loving partnership so powerful and wonderful is that, at its best, it is an all-inclusive sense of connection, knowing, and being known physically, emotionally and intellectually. It has the potential to rise to the greatest heights and provide the most profound sense of togetherness possible between two people.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
Very interesting article Barbara! From field experience, the first step is improve your personality, the second step is have sex with the person as quickly as possible as social conditioning causes us to rationalize that the relation means more when sex has happened, and from there dedicate more time to the individual and become a provider for that person. At this point, the relationship will have more of a frame of boyfriend/girlfriend or husband and wife. This advice is what works for men with women, but with women to men there could be a similar concept. If you want, I… Read more »
Here is an idea …. fall in love and get married.
I appreciate the comments and thoughts about the process of finding “the right one” for each of us. To learn more about relationships, both with self and others, as well as sexuality, I invite you to take a look at my book, “Loving Courageously: First Me, Then You, Now Us” available on Amazon.