Anthony Carter realized that the problems in our society can’t be fixed by looking for a scapegoat.
In an effort to make sense of so much of the craziness that goes on, everybody would like a scapegoat. Someone to blame everything on.
I have read a great deal of feminist literature. I love me some Bell Hooks and actually met and talked with her once on a subway when I lived in NYC. I have read feminists, male and female, and I have realized that the problem was never with men.
The problem is with our culture and its social structure.
In fact, anyone, male or female can be an agent of oppression. I have become obsessed with letting go of the idea of men as the big bad.
You’d think being gay would make me male-friendly and somewhat male-obsessed. This is what oppression does to you. It has you inviting and creating a great big bowl of crazy called your life and inviting all sorts of wrong and not very well thought-out beliefs and personal policies into your mind.
As a young queen fresh out of undergrad, I was determined to change the world. I read tons of material on oppression, misogyny, classism and racism. With all of this information, I was ready to take on all the powerful entities in the world that decided how far I could go and what I could dream about.
There was only one problem.
I took in all of the “men are the problem” thinking.
Granted, growing up an inordinate amount of torture was wielded in my direction by men, all straight. The type of torture that teaches you self-hate and self-negation way before you know that’s what your doing.
The type that says you are wrong for not liking, being good at, or obsessing about sports. That if you were a real boy you’d wanna fight, destroy, and maim. The indoctrination begins early and often and never, under any circumstances, lets up.
If you’re a young kid who is gay or perceived as such, it sets you up for a life or mockery and shame at the hands of friends and family. This is what happened to me.
Having grown up in a working class, black neighborhood in the 70’s, there was little I could do to uphold a particular type of masculinity. So between that upbringing and all the reading I read from 23 onward, is it any wonder that I also thought, “If men would just get it together, what a wonderful place this world would be.”
I hadn’t realized two things:
That society and the way people, not just men think, is the real problem, the true enemy; and
there was no way to truly feel good about myself and my male allies if I believed we were all flawed beyond compare and hopeless.
I would like to offer praise and love for all things male.
I want all men, myself included, to truly fall in love and commit to being loving towards the incredible gifts and joys we experience and share simply because of our gender. I want us all to seek out and work towards becoming incredible men.
Men who can be all things. Vulnerable and action-oriented. Playful, kind, and to the point.
The type of fathers, uncles, brothers, and lovers who can be counted on to take care of children and be secure enough to say, “I don’t know. I think we should ask someone who has more experience in this area.”
We need men who can think and love and a world that doesn’t fear or demonize them as a result of this choice.
Photo: Maeka Alexis/Flickr
Also by Anthony Carter:
How to Handle the Middle-Aged Hoax
How a Gay Grandparent Will Lovingly Raise Black Boys
Love, Money, and Conquering the World, One Change at a Time
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The problem was *never* with men? Look, I certainly think that life is just as hard for men, that men face their own struggles and heartbreaks. But to say that men were never the problem is like saying men don’t have to do anything within themselves to fix things or think about how they treat others. Does any man here honestly believe that women are never the problem? That women do no wrong? That women don’t have to fix things within themselves? If the problem was never men, then the problem was never women and we can all keep blaming… Read more »
Women like me – who have been brutalized repeatedly by men their entire lives – have their anger and pain slapped down every time they try to speak it, by being scolded and told “not all men!” You can’t scold and bully and shame abuse victims into trusting men. Men have to step up, say no to a toxic culture, go against the grain and refuse to take part in it. I know a few who do, but it’s a paltry few. I’m not going to give men as a class credit for what most men will not do and… Read more »
Anger and pain is one thing. Stereotyping is never justifiable, however, and being a survivor of any kind is not a ticket to do this. How is this mindset any different from the sort of racist mindset we saw in the past directed at, for example, African Americans? I’m sure there was some real hurt in those cases that happened to be perpetrated by African Americans, but that’s a problem but doing the same to men is fine? And most men don’t take part in the culture. Which, again, only reinforces the point that stereotyping is never justifiable. How many… Read more »
Well said.
Survivor, Men DO step up. There is a clear minority that don’t. In so far as not having a platform to disclose abuse, where you’re not scolded or told “not all men” …. Count the number of battered women’s shelters, look at the countless campaigns, VAWA, etc. There has not been a waiting room, doctors office, emergency room (including bathrooms) where there isn’t some information addressing abuse and giving hot line numbers. where do you live that you don’t have this platform?
You can’t scold and bully and shame abuse victims into trusting men.
And you can’t shame, bully, generalize, and silence men into stepping up.
“Survivor” We, collectively, as men are not responsible for what happened to you. To claim that we are is to diminish the responsibility borne by those whose crimes they actually are. I have my own sins to atone for, I will not take up any other man’s. You want to carry bitterness and hate in your heart? That’s your business, it is not, however, my problem.
I have been hurt, wounded- physically and emotionally- by women in the past, are you going to atone for that? I didnt think so.
Well spoken and very true, but another factor in the equation of this problem is the general disparagement of all men, and commonly heterosexual men in the media. It is especially true in nearly all the sitcoms which portray the man and husband as a buffoon, and the laughter is mostly about his “buffoonery.” Even ads often include this and it is becoming almost fashionable to do this. As LGBT OR GLBT lifestyle is becoming more and more accepted, the role of general male disparagement becomes more important and is not being properly addressed in the mainstream media. I happen… Read more »
Agreed. That said, as long as straight men continue to validate those buffoonish portrayals by tacitly agreeing that being “bro-y” and domestically inept is “masculine” and “manly,” and that no “real” man can do anything as “feminine” as changing a diaper without making a face, or be able to shop for anything (including his own clothes) without a woman to help him, they’ll continue.
Earl, I fully support seeing more positive examples of men in the media. I HATE when men are portrayed as one-dimensional or stupid. I want to see positive examples of men being empowered and seeing representations of masculinity that feel encouraging toward men AND women and show good men. I love the level of sensitivity and introspection I have seen men develop to how men are portrayed in the media. The only thing that bothers me is that we have not yet reached the point for men to consider how current sexual media created for and by mostly other men… Read more »
To quote Benjamin Franklin: “Blame-all and praise-all are two blockheads.” Relatively, situationally, or subjectively one may or may not be right to criticize (or to praise) – but never to over-generalize.
I took in all of the “men are the problem” thinking.
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That’s Feminism 101, friend-o. You’ve just morphed into another borg for the patriarchy.
If an un-nuanced, non-contextual “men are the problem” is Feminism 101, friend-o, then “the borg” isn’t for “the patriarchy.”
As a writer and as a gay man who, like the author, at one time swallowed the “men=bad” narrative whole (especially “straight men=bad”) I’ve been waiting a long, long time for this exact article to be written by someone, let alone this well. Thank you, Mr Carter.
thanks so much Michale Rowe for your kind words.
Great article. Your line stating “The type that says you are wrong for not liking, being good at, or obsessing about sports” really seems to be more true now, for me, as an adult, than ever before. I am a straight, single male, nearly 30, and the time I have to spend defending myself to co-workers about why I don’t watch sports is insane. People look at me as if I’m from another planet. Here’s the kicker: the majority of my shocked co-workers are women! There seems to be such an unspoken set of rules for how an American man… Read more »
I am 45, and EVERYTHING Clint said in is reply applies to my adulthood as well. What’s weirder is that I work in a building full of graphic designers. Our lady proofreader coordinates company trips to Phillies games. We have betting pools for every major league sport. I’m beginning to believe I’m the only person I know who loathes sports, especially pro sports. All that money wasted on imagined rivalries. Money that could go to the arts, education, medicine. I am distinctly aware that my ideals don’t match up with what American masculinity has become. I don’t know how to… Read more »