Steven Lake echoes Charles Dickens who said, “Never close your lips to those whom you have already opened your heart.”
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My wife just got out of bed. I am sitting at my computer in the living area of our apartment, as she walks by me, I swivel in the chair and ask her to sit in my lap. She does. We look into each other’s eyes and kiss. Four or five lingering kisses. Enjoying the contact, the softness of her lips, just falling into her for thirty seconds. We smile, she gets up and goes to the kitchen.
Not a bad way to start the day. What is it about kissing anyway? And I am not talking about the theoretical explanations and hypotheses such as, it evolved from mothers chewing food for their infants and passing the food into the infant’s mouth thus initiating lip to lip contact. Lip contact then becomes associated with food (survival), close contact and affection. Or, as Sheril Kirshenbaum in her book, The Science of Kissing: What Our Lips Are Telling Us, believes kissing evolved to promote sex drive, romantic love, and attachment. Plausible, but not a good description of how a kiss feels.
“A kiss that is never tasted, is forever and ever wasted.”
Billie Holiday |
Gallup, in one of their surveys, found that men prefer French kissing more than women. One explanation is that over time the male partner is passing minute amounts of testosterone to the female partner thus raising her libido and receptivity. And my favorite theory, through kissing, which gets us close enough to smell the other person, we can determine whether or not they are the best genetic fit to produce healthy offspring.
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My first serious kissing experience happened when I was about eleven years old. It was summertime and a bunch of my friends and I were hanging out at the back of the school. No one was around and a hot prairie wind gently swirled around in fits and starts as we decided to have a kissing contest. Who could lip lock the longest?
I remember the initial hesitation as we looked at each other then slowly brought our lips together. Of course, I didn’t have a clue what to do. I don’t think we moved a muscle – just two statues frozen in time. But hey, I was touching a female. A half-hour later I emerged victorious if a little light-headed. This was serious progress for an eleven year old boy. At that prepubescent age, kissing was the be all and end all. We looked for any opportunity to kiss. Hide and seek was an excuse to dive into the bushes with a partner and kiss until caught – oh the thrill and excitement!
“A kiss is a secret told to the mouth instead of the ear; kisses are the messengers of love and tenderness.”
Ingrid Bergman |
At that age, with so little knowledge and experience, I couldn’t tell you what was a good kiss or not, other than if your faces came together too quickly and a tooth lodged in my lip. That hurt! O.K. that was probably the first lesson, slow down on the approach so you didn’t crash into the other person. The second lesson was learning to breathe through my nose. No easy trick for an asthmatic with blocked sinuses.
It wasn’t until much later that I discovered the sensitivities and erotic power of the tongue. Up until then, I probably thought that sticking my tongue into someone’s mouth was a disgusting thing to do. In those days you did not see tongue action in the movies. No sir. It was lips only. Sometimes, there was a hint of an open mouth but that was it. I can’t remember the first time I had tongue to tongue contact, but I can remember the first perfect French kiss.
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My buddy and I were taking a few days off from work and going to see his family who lived in a small town on the edge of a lake. Again, a beautiful summer’s day as we walked through town taking in the sights. And what a sight I saw as she walked towards us. I was smitten in an instant. She had a beautiful smile, was fun to talk to, and was interested in me. She also had a new baby, and why this turned me on at the ripe old age of twenty-one is beyond me. But it did.
After a few minutes of bantering back and forth we all agree to go to her house later that night (at this point my buddy and are inseparable). My buddy and I go back to his house for supper and during the meal with his parents we casually mention what happened that day and our plans to see this woman later that night. His mother freaks out and forbids us to leave the house. The young woman in question is recently separated from the father of their child, and daddy is violent. No way are we visiting her.
This does not sit well for me as I am an adult living on my own and not beholding to anyone. I do respect the position my friend is in and let the subject drop. We stay up late that night plotting how to see her. When his parents are asleep . . . we sneak out. We are like commandoes as we duck and weave between the trees and reconnoiter her place – looking out for Mr. Violent.
After scouting out her place I decide to knock on the door. My heart is beating like a jack-hammer as I wait. It was probably a combination of the exertion of running and the adrenaline from fear and excitement that was coursing through my body. Then, the door opens, and she ushers us inside. After some small talk my buddy figures out we want to be alone and he offers to go outside and keep a look out. Now that is a friend!
We turn off the lights, get comfortable on the couch, and begin to kiss. Somehow, we kiss exactly the same way. Both are heads tilt to the right, are lips come softly together, our mouths open and, wait for it, our tongues come into contact and swirl around each other in a never ending moment of erotic bliss.
“How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said.”
Victor Hugo |
It was the perfect kiss. I have had brief moments of this kind of kiss before but not one so natural, so easy, and so sexy. My God, I could have kissed all night. Unfortunately, it was getting late, she was getting jittery about the ex-boyfriend checking in, and my buddy was probably getting bored hiding in the bushes. That was the last I saw of her, but I will always remember that kiss.
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Unfortunately, not all kisses are like that. There is the issue of style or preferred ways of kissing. As in the previously mentioned Gallup poll, what happens when someone who likes French kissing encounters someone who doesn’t? Those initial few seconds are like a contest of wills with, according to the research, men wanting to slip in that tongue, and women not so willing to go there – or at least not right away. I had one female partner tell me that kissing was at least as intimate as intercourse, and she didn’t let just anyone inside her right away.
Kissing can improve with time. I don’t know if this is common or not (let me know your experience in the comment section) but this is what has happened with my wife. The standard kisses have stayed the same. By this I mean the parting morning kiss, the hello kiss after work, and the preliminary notice of sexual intent kiss. What has recently changed is our kissing during love-making. We have had the loving, connected, spiritual kiss down for some time. The change has come to the erotic kiss. We were that couple that had different styles when it came to erotic kissing. What I liked she didn’t and what she liked, well . . . I wanted something more. We made accommodations as any loving couple does and went on with life.
“Kiss me, and you will see how important I am.”
Sylvia Plath |
But then, something changed, and a new vista of possibilities has presented itself. But not just possibilities, we are kissing in a new way. It is a combination of the spiritual and the erotic. Whoa! Who knew this could happen after fifteen years – not me? And, as a psychotherapist I am the purveyor of the possibility of change. This is an affirming experience both personally and professionally.
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Which brings me back to the title of this article, the importance of kissing in a relationship. It is extremely important!!! Never stop kissing. If you notice it slowing down, talk to your partner and figure out why. Kissing keeps you connected, literally, psychologically and spiritually. It is a barometer for the relationship telling you the degree of your connection and how you are connected – as friends, room-mates, soul-mates or lovers (or some combination). Kissing is for everyone and knows no boundaries as it is impervious to aging, gender, class and income. It is a behaviour that is good for the mind, body and soul. I recommend it on a daily basis.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
My husband hates kissing. He says it feels weird, he can’t breathe, and anything involving tongues makes him burp. I can’t tell you how much I miss being kissed. You are very right when you say kissing is important. There is a certain precious intimacy that I have only experienced when kissing. Sadly, I wish I had realized how important this seemingly small thing was to me before we married.
Most men only kiss to make girls more into them, waiting for the opportunity to finally bang them. Girls enjoy it much more but for men… there is nothing we are getting out of it. You are not a winner only for getting to kiss a girl.
Good article. I think you make some valid points that people don’t always consider. I have kissed guys that were great kissers, not-so-great kissers, sloppy kissers, aggressive kissers, and one particular guy that was trying to suck my tongue out of my mouth. However, the worst kisser had braces, trouble breathing out of his mouth (like you mentioned), and left most of my chin wet. I definetly changed my mind about compatibility based upon a kiss. That being said, I would rank my husband around average and I would also say it has had an affect on our long term… Read more »
Georgianna: I’m curious. What made the great kissers great?
I love this article and for some reason my husband doesn’t really ever kiss me, never has as much as I would like or in the way that I would like. When he’s wanting sex is about the only time he initiates an intimate kiss. it’s awkward to tell your husband of 9 years that you don’t like the way he kisses you and never has. How does one go about this anyway? I enjoy kissing him but know that I have enjoyed my make-out sessions with past lovers a whole lot more. My first boyfriend and I seemed to… Read more »
Hi Jennifer: I wouldn’t tell him that you don’t like how he kisses, tell him what you would like. Start small and see how he responds then work your way up. You could also ask him what he likes as well. Hope your kissing becomes more enticing.