“There’s probably no better place on earth to observe gender dynamics than in a bar on a Friday night.”
The summer after I graduated from college, I worked as a bouncer at a bar just outside of campus. At the time I thought it was the ideal profession: hang out at a bar with my friends every night, sleep in every day, and have cute drunk girls constantly vie for my attention. An unexpected perk of the job was the rush that came with commanding a physical authority over an entire venue. It’s something that probably only police, security guards, or other bouncers understand, but there’s a certain high that one gets when they know they’ve been given physical authority over a group of people. Frat boy trashing the bathroom? I got to throw his ass to the curb. Two drunk guys jawing at each other and threatening to start a fight over something insignificant? My co-workers and I swooped and took care of business.
I’ve never been a violent guy by nature. So the rush for me wasn’t the physical altercations (they rarely ever got that physical). For me it was the rush of being a protector of the innocent, the sober knight entrusted by hundreds of the drunk and vulnerable. And one situation that consistently got our blood to pump was whenever a girl would come to us to complain about a guy. Particularly if she was really attractive.”That guy in the blue shirt grabbed my ass.” “Those guys over there are making rude and inappropriate comments to me.” “The guy in the white polo called me the ‘C’ word.” Without hesitation, we would storm the guy from all angles. Trial, judge and jury would all commence within the two seconds it took us to drag him out of the bar by his shirt collar and to tell him to shut the hell up. Of course these guys always complained that they never did it. Some even went so far as to claim they didn’t even know the girl. We didn’t care. Few situations were more validating as a bouncer as protecting some (drunk) damsel in distress. And our drunk damsels appeared distressed often.
It never occurred to me that summer to question whether any of those guys actually didn’t harass those girls. I had been to plenty of bars, I saw the crassness some men were capable of, and especially after a few drinks: how they could treat women like objects, how they would intimidate and sometimes violate girls sexually as part of some sick power trip. What I wasn’t aware of yet was the crassness some women were capable of, especially after a few drinks.
There’s probably no better place on earth to observe gender dynamics than in a bar on a Friday night. The girl showing her cleavage to the bartender for free drinks. Greasy, Jersey Shore-type guys cat-calling and making offensive gestures as women turn away in disgust. Innocent guy friends who step in and shield their female friends from said gestures. Groping and grinding on the dance floor while songs blare out lines like, “You’re a sexy bitch,” and “Get it up, get it up, get down.” The meat-market brings out enough gender stereotypes to give any feminist nightmares.
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It’s easy to castigate the drunk and horny as slimy, selfish predators who exploit women out to simply have a good time. But there’s a piece of the gender role puzzle still missing here, and that’s men as protectors. I call it the Knight in Shining Armor Syndrome. And like most men, I’m a life-long sufferer.
When I’m out with a group of female friends and random guys approach them to flirt with them, my immediate reaction is to keep an eye on them and step in if things start to get weird. In fact, at times I’ve fantasized about protecting a female friend from some marauding male who would dare threaten her. I think most men have. And many times I have stepped in, pretending to be a female friend’s boyfriend to get a drunk guy to leave her alone, or in even fewer situations, actually confronting the guy myself and asking him to leave because he’s being inappropriate.
And I see it too when I’m the random guy chatting up the cute girl. Her guy friends nearby burn holes into me with their eyes, making sure I don’t make any wrong move. Some of them question me and grill me for a minute to make sure I’m a decent guy. Others cut to the chase and make it clear I’m not welcome.
Recently, when I learned about the feminist concept of “rape culture,” it didn’t sit right with me. OK, that’s a lie, it really pissed me off. Now, I’m not denying that there are social factors that lead to a downplay or even blame of rape victims. I agree that what it describes it’s a real phenomenon and a problem.
What I hate is the term itself: “rape culture.” It implicates every man as an accessory to some rape, somewhere, for no other reason than that he’s breathing and has a dick. If you’re male, despite your best deeds or intentions, you were born guilty. It’s offensive, and dare I say misandrist. What about all of the times I stepped in and shielded my female friends from those inappropriate advances? What about all of the girls I called at night to make sure they got home safe? What about all of those drunk frat guys I dragged out of that bar that summer, threatening to hit me and fight me, for no other reason than some girl—a perfect stranger, no less—came to me and requested I do so?
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Here’s another story from college. I shared an apartment with three girls. And one night I got a phone call from one of them saying the other had been drugged with rophynol (the date rape drug) at the bar down the street. They were trying to get her home, but she couldn’t walk or talk and they needed help. I dropped everything and rushed over.
When I showed up, my first question was, “Where is he? What did he look like?” Not “How is she?” Or “Is she OK?” But “I want to fucking murder this guy. Where is he?”
Like I said, I’m a pretty non-violent guy. I’ve been in exactly two fights in my life, neither of which I started, and both of which I lost. For all of my months as a bouncer, no altercation ever escalated above grabbing some stumbling drunk frat kid trying to shove me. I had always found ways to talk my way out of confrontations throughout my life, whether through reasoning with the other party, or boldly bullshitting my way out of the situation.
But this was perhaps the only time in my life that I can recall that I was consciously out for blood. There was no rationality behind it. The guy was obviously long gone. He probably had a posse of friends with him. And he also probably had plausible deniability over the whole situation. But I had a deep instinctual urge to choke the life out of the motherfucker, and it came from a place that I’ve rarely felt.
What the gender stereotypes and theories about “rape culture” get wrong is that with the gender stereotype of men as sexual predators, comes also the stereotype of men as sexual protectors. Whether you believe this role of men as protectors is patronizing, noble, or a cultural vestige of the patriarchy, it exists. It’s our Knight in Shining Armor Syndrome. And it’s unfair to ignore the positive repercussions. Especially since most men are not rapists. But most men are on the lookout for a damsel in distress.
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Years later, when I was visiting an old friend in my hometown, I approached two girls standing by the bar. They were cute and I thought one had maybe given me some eyes. I walked over to introduce myself and before I could even get my name out, the girl nearest me turned to me, shoved me, and yelled, “Get away from us, asshole!” Completely stunned, the only reply I could muster was a meek, “But I didn’t say anything.” The girl, almost shrieking now, repeated, “Get away from us!”
I felt a large hand grab my arm. I turned to see one of the doormen.
“Come on buddy, it’s time to go.”
“But I actually didn’t even say anything to those girls.”
He told me to shut up and started dragging me by the arm. We got outside. I can’t help but laugh at the irony of the situation. Karma, perhaps.
My friend followed me outside. “Mark, what did you say to those girls?”
“Nothing. I didn’t say anything. She just freaked out on me.”
He gave me a skeptical look for a second. “No seriously, what perverted thing did you say to those girls?”
We quietly walked to the next bar.
—Photo glennharper/Flickr
About Mark Manson
It’s really interesting that you’ve been on both sides of the fence (both as the protector and the villain) with regard to women. The bar on Friday night really does bring out a lot of awful and out-dated gender stereotypes that urgently need to be debunked. I like to think I can take care of myself and I have friends (both male and female) who have my back should I ever have the misfortune to be drugged. It’s actually never occurred to me to ask a bouncer to kick a guy out of a bar, even when I’ve been persistently groped against my will (I generally escape to the bathrooms for a while.)
I think your understanding of rape culture is flawed, or at least it’s certainly not the intended definition. It doesn’t mean that all men are accessories to rape/potential rapists. Rape culture refers to the widespread phenomenon of rape apologising, victim blaming and slut shaming that undermines the severity of rape and derails discussion around the problem of sexual assault. Both men and women are implicit in the propagation of rape culture. It is not necessarily a gendered term, and indeed it shouldn’t be. The fact that some people do not believe that men can be victims of sexual assault and the culture of shame that prevents most male victims from going to the police are also part of rape culture, because it denies the existence and severity of the problem and feeds off the idea that the victim is somehow responsible or should have been able to prevent their own rape.
Ultimately, I think the whole damsel in distress/knight in shining armour should be dispensed with altogether. Women are not helpless. If a man feels obligated to help a woman in a rough situation, it should be out of the basic decency that we all feel towards our fellow humans, not because he happens to be a man and she happens to be a woman.
In theory, rape culture is what you say it is, but far too often it becomes collective blaming of men for the crime of existence.
Is it because of the stereotype that women don’t perpetuate rape culture but men who typically apologize and hold different standards?
“The bar on Friday night really does bring out a lot of awful and out-dated gender stereotypes that urgently need to be debunked.”
Could be a nice marketing campaign – “The Management Reserve the Right To Not Serve Stereotypes.”.
P^)
Marianne Cassidy – you beat me to it: your answer nails it. Thanks!
“Rape Culture” relies on the collective blame of men because it assumes the society at large is some how encouraging rape which is a ridiculous idea on it’s face. It would be more just to blame rapist alone for rape but feminist keep trying to leverage the issue into an excuse to attack and control men in general. Men’s desire to protect women is why men even consider embracing the legitimacy of these bigoted women looking for scapegoats to perpetuate bad social theory.
I totally agree with the comment above. Women should not and do not need to have to depend on men for protection. We should stop socialising our boys as protectors.
In India this stereotype has reached ridiculous heights like sometimes a grown young woman cannot go out of the house without the ‘protection’ of a boy even if it is her 7 yr old brother. See what I mean! We have to do away with the knight in shining armour syndrome, lets just be HUMAN and look out for ourselves and each other – man or woman.
The knight in shining armour makes coming to the aid of a woman seem like the powerful helping the powerless, we need to do away with that power ratio.
As noted, there are two sides to everything. Maybe the “Knight” is not primarily there to “save” the woman, but is doing it in a “brotherly” way to restore respectful order on his side of the gender divide?
This publication is also a good place to see the white knight / macho mangina / denial of female agency dynamic in play.
Yes this entire web site seems to be for White Knights who want to tell women how they are “good men” and not rapists like all the others. And what better way to show that fact than beating up all other men on women’s behalf?
I’m reminded of being told I was a Night In Shining Armour when I dealt with a racial abuse incident at a University I was visiting.
I was on my way to meet some people in one of the college bars. As I got to the front of the building I had to get past security. There was a young lady of color just behind me and behind her two young men who were a making racially inappropriate comments. As I entered the building I spoke to the bouncers and made it clear that the two young men should not be allowed in and why. I stood by to observe.
The young lady then entered and was allowed in – the two young men attempted to enter and were told they were not to be allowed. It was explained that there had been report of their racial abuse and as such they were now barred from all University Facilities until further notice with immediate effect – their University ID’s had been logged and the University Security systems would prevent access to all areas other than class and library. The young woman was also present and shocked by this.
We were both asked to file immediate reports – the young woman immediately thanked me and grabbed a White Horse and tried to place me on it. I refused. I provided my statement and then went about my business – it was a meeting to address abuse and equality!
The next day I was contacted by a University Women’s group and told I was to be publicly thanked for my stance in stopping Sexual Harassment. I pointed out that I had done so such thing, but had addressed Racial abuse and harassment – my written report made that clear and Sex/Gender had not been a motivating factor in anything I had observed or reported. The report was accompanied by a questionnaire that asked many questions about equality – and I had been most specific that I had not seen any abuse motivated by sex or which met the definitions of sexual harassment – it was a racially motivated incident. It was all on the record…. and how had they been able to contact me and know about the record? The call was suddenly terminated.
They seemed rather unhappy. I was not contacted by any group that dealt with racial equality.
I was asked to give evidence in the investigation/hearing of the two male students – As I had returned home I had to do that by phone. To do so effectively I also had to be provided with all relevant policies, practices and procedures in advance and copies of my report and questionnaire. At the hearing I was again TOLD that I had been motivated to act as the matter was sexual harassment – I had to repeatedly correct that error. I had seen no evidence of Sexual Harassment in either conduct or language, but there had been clear racial harassment especially in language used. I was even told that I evidently did not know how to fill out the Equality Questionnaire.
I was then dumb struck when the chair person of the hearing stated that I was being unhelpful in not agreeing it was sexual harassment. I was told that the University Authorities wanted it to be sexual harassment as they had heavier sanctions for such and lesser sanctions for racial harassment.
I made it clear that If they wanted the cart before the horse, that was their issue and not mine! I also advised that having been told that there was such a disparity in the treatment of abuse and inequality of victims that The University was acting Illegally! I also had to make it clear that I was legally required to make that clear and for it to be on the record. It would be addressed formally after I was off the phone.
I received a letter a few weeks later to advise me that sanctions had been used against the two young men – and that I was not to be commended to my actions in acting so swiftly to deal with abuse. I was also criticized for not co-operating fully with the University Authorities.
I wrote back and recommended that some people at the University should get off their high horses! They were also advised they had 28 days to revisit all policies practice and procedures as well as the content of the letter someone had seen fit to send me else I would hand matters to attorneys. I got a very apologetic letter from the University President in only three days – with clear statements of good will and a determination to do better.
I re-visited that University six months later on a follow up project dealing with equality. It was gratifying to see how Equality had improved, including removing distinctions as to levels of sanction based upon inequality. Those dealing with equality had even adopted a new logo – a horse rearing which they amusingly commented made sure no one got on it’s back and tried to misuse it!
I was also thanked by the University group that dealt with racial equality issues – it appeared that for some time their voice was being deafened by a stampede of Hooves as some demanded that all horses were equal – but some horses more equal than others!
Wonderful story! Sorry to hear you were pressured to make it into a sexual harassment case, but thanks (in general) for standing up for the right things. I’m glad you made a difference.
Well written, and very thoughtful.
I think theres another gender dynamic at play that should be examined:
Everyone knows the first two, they show up in the media like ants:
1.Victimised Female
2.Rapacious Male
They exist, no doubt about it. This article points out a third, fourth and fifth dynamic:
3.Protecting male
4.Protecting female
5.Victimised Male
But theres yet another piece missing:
6.Trouble seeking female
I know it sounds victim blaming and awful, but those guys the author hauled out of the bar (the guilty ones at least) acted like they did because, often, it works. I’ve known so many of my female friends to go for guys who they really shouldn’t, even guys who they know have treated them like crap before. I’m not saying anyone wants to be raped, thats just crazy, but there is a significant portion of women out there who shy away from the nice guys who try to fulfil the feminist model of dating and towards the ad boys who treat women like dirt. As a dynamic it needs to be challanged, otherwise nothing changes.
Peter Bars and Dynamics are interesting things.
the gender/sex differences cut across many groups. I was in a group that had contained two disabled friends one male – one female – both with Cerebral Palsy which affected their walking. When we arrived at the venue She wobbled in ( her turn of phrase not mine ) and he was stopped – told he was evidently drunk and to leave.
The bouncers ( one male – one female – they frisked you if they wanted to ) were not interested in any explanation and when asked to allow their manager to be spoken to called the police reporting drunk and disorderly. The police tried to be even more powerful in demanding reality was what they decided, he was drunk under the influence and they did not care what he said. One officer actually stated that the guy was a liar unless he could prove medical proof on the spot. – Both the bar and police did not like being told they were wrong. A judge happily told both just how wrong they were.
The stereotypes – archetypes and other imbalances that lead to discrimination in and around bars are not just the nice guy and at the other extreme the bad girl and even vice versa!
Sorry if I suggested they were! I just wanted to point out how women’s behaviour is part and parcel of the problem. As another, not quite as serious, example of discrimination I’ve been refused entry to a gay club because “I wasn’t gay enough.”
Personally I’ve always hated nightclubs, I can’t imagine a more opressive environment, and the pick-up clubs are the worst of the lot. It really troubles me how so much of humanity appears to have so little respect for themselves and each other.
It’s good to see you are realising what a sexist asshole you were being towards men.
That *IS* what you are saying here isn’t it? because you got on the other end of it? The question is how many other ways do you do the same sort of thing to men in the name of protecting women?
The interesting thing about “white knights” is that the one’s who are actually willing to get into fisticuffs for the woman are the one’s who probably got their fighting skills from being beaten themselves. Unfortunately at the time there were no “white knights” or “white princesses” ready to do battle for them
Women who think the White Knight is implicitly a demonstration of patronizing power imbalances have some options.
They can get as big and strong and well-trained as men. That will take some time. So while they’re shuttling between the gym and the pharmacy, they can insist the DOJ finally start enforcing laws against sexual dimorphism.
And if they find themselves in the deep and stinky, they can tell the next White Knight to take his patronizing power imbalance and stick it where the sun don’t shine. It would be the honest, consistent thing to do.
I’m the first to admit I’m no expert on feminism. But sexual dimorphism seems to me to be the elephant in the room. There are fundamental biological differences between the sexes that affect beliefs and behavior. Every feminist I’ve talked to about this says that it shouldn’t matter, that people should be treated equally anyway. And on one level, they’re 100% correct. But on another level, it seems preposterous to expect both sexes/genders to behave or perceive things in complete accordance with one another when there are fundamental factors affecting their perceptions.
To the commenter that mentioned that women should/can learn to fend for themselves in a bar. Yeah, that’s true. They can. But the effort and risk is far higher for them. And you can’t get around that. I’m 6’2″, 210 lbs and in really good shape. There’s little to no risk or effort for me to step in and tell a guy to back off. Over the course of a lifetime, that is going to absolutely affect how I perceive myself in relation to the other sex, and assessing sexual risks. The same is true for a 4’10″ female.
On the one hand, neither gender should be judged for or expected to fill certain roles (good or bad). But at the same time, it should be acknowledged that each sex will have a greater propensity for certain types of behaviors based on biological differences (dimorphism, hormones, etc.).
“But sexual dimorphism seems to me to be the elephant in the room.”.
Oh Boy – I can’t believe you said that!
Shhhhhh! Don’t wake the elephant – it’s a very flighty creature and easily spooked. It has been kept quite with a lamp shade on it’s head for some time! It was very hard to get it painted to match the soft furnishings too.
If you are to mention it in future – could you please state in advance that you are setting a fuse and we all have a set period of time to seek shelter? P^)
“But on another level, it seems preposterous to expect both sexes/genders to behave or perceive things in complete accordance with one another when there are fundamental factors affecting their perceptions. ”
Well the higher your eye level above ground the further you can see. It’s not about gender or sex – just physics and even mathematics. As men are on average taller than women, men on average can see further – even over objects. However, if you raise this issue it can be described as Privilege – putting women down – and many other excuses.
The only solution for some is to have all males legs bound at birth to stunt growth and remove the disparity.
You have to take note – The Elephant hates physics and math too! P^)
I have been slyly observing the Elephant for some time. It’s odd, but I still can’t figure out the elephant’s gender!
@Mark
Spoken like a man who admits to only have had 2 fights in his life. I guess you have never heard the saying, “Its not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog”. Sexism is when you think because you are a bigger male that you can take the woman down, this mentality forgets that she may have a gun. The other mistaken part is the fact that a trained woman who has a lot of fight would more than likely kick your ass. For that matter, considering you dont have much experience with violence maybe even the untrained woman with a lot of fight would also kick your ass.
titfortat – I think you miss the point mark was trying to make. He didn’t say that all women are weak and vulnerable and all men are strong and brawny. However, sexual dimorphism isn’t really something that can be called into question. While a universal she may have a gun, and she may be a trained martial artists, these are more anomalies than they are frequent occurrences. That is to say, in most ‘typical’ situations, the man has an advantage over a woman when it comes to something like, say, muscle mass. Its not a value judgement, its a matter of physiology. At least, unless we want to inject ourselves with testosterone (which helps build and protect muscle mass).
Michelle, dating coach that spends lots of time coaching men on a Friday night in a bar about social dynamics of the opposite sex. Nice work man. Posting to FB. Done & Done.
Mark, you deserved to get thrown out of that bar. You are lucky that one of the guys you roughed up when you were a bouncer wasn’t carrying at the time or wasn’t waiting for you outside after hours with a weapon.
I don’t stand up to save some broad’s ass.
If they want independence, let them have it, all the way.
Attila. Those feminists who agree with you will likely make an exception for the time when it’s really happening. Point is, they don’t think the rest of us have figured it out.
Too funny.
Like the time Medea Benjamin was picketing and sliming a Marine recruiting office. A couple of guys down the street gave her a hard time and she screamed for help from Marines. No surprise. It’s all bullshit and those who are peddling it have this idea that as many as one person believes they wouldn’t yell for help from the next be-penised walking down the street, under the correct impression that such help would immediately be forthcoming.
I appreciate your elaboration on why you dislike (hate?) the term rape culture. I honestly had not considered how it would be viewed by all the good men out there. Although I can’t do anything to change the term, and I know what prompted its use, its pointless to use terminology or rhetoric that castigates a gender for the crimes of a view.
I have a problem with the white knight syndrome myself. My SO and I had a discussion about the incredibly unlikely even that we were attacked by bandits (muggers?) in the middle of the forest. He told me he wanted to distract these hypothetical madmen while I ran away. I wanted to do the same for him. Technically, we never really resolved the conflict. I imagine if we WERE to be attacked, we’d be so busy arguing over who got to protect whom, the evil folks would get bored and wander off. I think the desire to protect those we care about, or those we see as being in need of protection, is part of human nature. I’ve seen men stand up for smaller guys, too. Its a wonderful thing.
Gwen. You solve that conundrum by figuring out who’s bigger, stronger, fiercer, better trained. One way and another, it’s usually the guy. If the least of the two decides to be the protector he/she is kicked to the ditch pfq and the other is in a fight anyway.
Given that, may as well let the less fierce, the less strong, the less well-trained get away. Sort of dysgenic, but what can you do?
Richard: In our particular circumstance, I’m trained in martial arts and won state awards (admittedly, against other women in my division), and he’s tall and strong, but has anxiety disorders. So we’re kind of on iffy-equal footing.
In any case, were I even unequivocally the less able fighter, when it came time to fight I don’t know that I’d be able to leave him. My desire to protect loved ones overrides the concept of protection of self. I would not presume to say that such is logical, but it is what it is. Just as the author wanted to strangle the guy who drugged his friend, so too would I want to exact revenge. The urge to mercilessly pound upon someone who threatens harm to those you care about is… compelling, to say the least.
Although, I do agree as a general rule what you say is a good course of action. It would be best if both could get away, really
Actually, the best thing to do would be to turn back to back and fight together. That way you cut the number advantage in half and you have no blind spot, which is a far bigger disadvantage that strength and skill.
Gwen.
I think the discussion was that of taking care of strangers chance-met in trouble. With loved ones, it would be different. But a woman might be a mother, too, which would be something to think about, should actual long-range thinking be going on at the moment. Which it probably wouldn’t. Perhaps one could make the point to an SO, that fighting by oneself is easier if one is not simultaneously trying to cover for the other.
You need to be trained to fight well as a pair, to fight twice as well as one, to even fight as well as one.
This discussion would be held in advance, of course.
And the man might be a father? So what?
Yes, sometimes it’s funny when we are treated in a similar fashion we treated others and we realize it’s unfair and bad. Good thing you learned from your experience and, hopefully, other people won’t make your mistake- because it’s always better to learn from others’ failures and bad judgement.
but don’t worry, many of us experience things like that, though at different levels.
Karma really is a bitch
I have to say, this amused me greatly. I’ve been sort of labeled as the Knight in Shining Armor of my friends which is normally associated with guys. I actually wasn’t aware I was the Knight in Shining Armor, nor that I had the syndrome until a close friend let it slip. The funny thing is that they also think of me as their specific Damsel in Distress because I’m a girl. So, I have to say I feel your pain, guys. It’s annoying when you have to see that crud going on. Sometimes it’s all you can do though.
The day of the white knight is coming to dusk.
Read em and weep.
Thanks rap artists and grind culture!
We’re beginning to see the truth of these things.
On a completely unrelated note, I noticed that you seem to have something against “frat boys.” I am in a social fraternity, and we are an organization based on values. We don’t go to bars to destroy things, rape women, and call each other “bro.” Fraternities and sororities are consistently involved in philanthropy events and student government. We like to have fun, and there are some members of the greek community who chose to represent themselves poorly in public, but to talk three times about a negative stereotype in this article is counter to your goals.