Why do we develop intense, unrelenting feelings for people who’ll do us no good?
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Passion is a fickle b*tch. Passion often makes us do crazy things — things that are outside of our normal character. It can draw us in, consume us, leave us parched and begging for more even when it’s dried us out and left us for dead.
It’s the lifeblood of the world. It gives it color and meaning. Without it, existence would be dull, and our minds would view the world in muted shades of grey.
What’s the meaning of attraction? What ignites passion inside of another person to feel fiercely connected to another person?
It’s that feeling you get when your skin feels like it’s on fire without his or her touch to ease it; it’s the times when you feel so crazy and out of control, you fear you’ll lose your mind.
Passion is a complex emotion. It’s essential to everything, and yet it’s profoundly dangerous. All too often a person might find him or herself hopelessly devoted to a lost soul, a self-destructive lunatic who breathes selfishness and eviscerates every good thing that comes his or her way.
Why do we develop intense, unrelenting feelings for people who’ll do us no good?
That’s a twisted thing about passion… sometimes, it can ruin your life.
We want to save them
We become attracted to these waifs, these tormentors, these vessels of violence because we want to save them. It’s in our DNA to be protective, to care for those we perceive as wounded. People who go after others who are damaged care more for other people than they do themselves.
We want to make them human
We want to show them that they deserve to be loved because they’re exquisite. But they aren’t. We place them on a pedestal; we idealize them.
We tell ourselves that they aren’t bad people, that they won’t cheat on us again, break us again or abandon us again — but somehow they always let us down and break our hearts again.
We like a challenge
When we have a project, it gives us something to do. Your newest love is just a work in progress. Sometimes it’s easy to think that people can change, molded into someone more solid, more goal-oriented, more deserving of you.
If you can fix them, you can fix anything, right? You can’t give up on them because that would be admitting that you’d failed and that you weren’t capable of any feat.
We crave the excitement
Every time they let you down, your heart breaks all over again. Being with them is exciting; it’s unpredictable and never boring. Your partner is a loose cannon. You’re always on your toes, waiting for the next fiery explosion to occur.
We relish in the good moments
When the sea calms and you relish in those brief moments of peace, you imagine they’ve finally come to their senses and decided to appreciate you and love you as much as you love them. For sporadic and fleeting periods of time when the waves stop relentlessly crashing down on your soul, and you can just lie there in their arms, you start to trust them completely again.
They wouldn’t ever hurt you again, right? They’ll change; they have changed, haven’t they? Yes, but only until the next time they grow restless and fidgety, dissatisfied with the steady pace of a stable life.
They briefly come to a rational understanding that their life is a wreck, and let you glue them back together, only to take a sledgehammer to it the moment you rest your eyes.
We’re a little self-destructive, too
Why else would we be with someone who treats us like sh*t? It’s like we’re asking for it by always accepting their latest apologies, turning a blind eye to the dubious truth that this person could give less of a f*ck about you. There is obviously something broken inside of us that we’re choosing to ignore.
Their love is our drug
Love is exactly like a drug, not just an outdated Ke$ha song. We spend one amazing night with these exciting people, and they weasel their way into our blood streams, infecting us with an unshakable desire. I mean, science has proven love has the same effect on our brains as cocaine!
We become dependent on them and every single tiny morsel of affection. If they tell us we’re beautiful once, it surely cancels out all of the times they said we were nothing. It feels so good when it’s good that we choose to erase the bad from our memories like a heroin addict erases the sting of a needle.
We become numb to the pain and live for the highs. Because when we are high, there’s nothing else. Nothing is quite as bright, nothing tastes as good, and nothing gives us that rush we desperately want.
Passion is a dangerous thing. And passion directed at the damaged person is lethal.
by Gigi Engle
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This post originally appeared at Elite Daily. Reprinted with permission.
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Gigi Engle is a Staff Writer and Editorial Assistant at Elite Daily. She is from both Maui and Chicago. Gigi earned a Bachelor’s in Journalism and English from Fordham University. Her interests include red wine and trashy romance novels.
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Photo: Sean McGrath / Creative Commons License
Absolutely spot on! This has been my life till now, and I guess I’m still a part of it while struggling to get away from such people.
Well, Life!
Yeesh, it’s like you’re saying damaged people don’t deserve love or can’t change. My best friend is pretty damaged, but he’s happily married because his spouse accepts the fact that he is damaged and is proud of the efforts he makes to fix himself–and is not hard on him when he has bad days but instead responds with love and understanding support.
This is me, I always do this to myself. I just got out of a terrible relationship yesterday and all I wanted to do was help her even though she treated me like absolute sh!t. I needed to read this article, helped open my eyes.
True in every sense. When you can see the screaming matches, the drama, the crying and STILL think “I don’t care, I just need to be with her/want to feel that with her…..”
Gave me a whole new level of compassion for drug addicts. It IS a drug.
To me this looks like the tale from a person being romantically involved with a person with Borderline personality traits.
Or, we do not think we deserve better. People prefer being in a crappy relationship and live a miserable life than be alone and have peace. Then they play the victim later, and repeat the relationship with someone new. We all choose the love we think we deserve.
Well there are some aspects to this article that I like, and some I do not. Passion is NOT (and I cannot scream this loud enough) NOT a dangerous thing. It is a clue to who we are and why we do what we do. Its the most amazing and most powerful driving force in human existence and I can never never never EVER advise someone to avoid it. When your in this kind of relationship, you are not directing your passion towards a broken person.. you are trying to rescue them. You are trying to be the hero in… Read more »
Passion is a REQUIREment though no? For what point is there to ‘mess’ around with someone if ‘I’ don’t feel passion for them? Why do ‘I’ keep pursuing (with our thoughts, if not more) those that are dismissive of me (us)? It’s not like one’s looking for perfection. Just a good match! Sometimes gota wonder,…. feeling like I’m the damaged one,.. .but then why aren’t ‘THEY’ drawn to me? lol! How long does one have to roll the dice to roll a Yahtzee?? Our odds at ‘Love” seem to be much tougher!!! Heck I’ve got grad-mates who are already grandparents… Read more »
I feel you wrote exactly what I was thinking!!
This reads like a trashy romance novel.
Thank Christ i wasn’t the only one.
“Why else would we want to be with someone who treats us like sh–?”
Yup…every word of this….! 7 years of my life wasted….
This has been the last four years of my life… money wasted.. time wasted… the comparison to cocaine or heroin couldn’t be more spot on… one good moment will erase days and weeks of abuse in the mind.
i can´t be more agree with you, i´ve been trough one destroying relationship to another. Nowadays i have been with one girl for 3 years so far; and always thinking that if we really try to make things work we need to work together to take the next step and at this point i cant remember what i saw in her to keep trying, and youre right when he/she says a good thing bout you, you forget all the shitty things happened before.