Are you into her, but just not getting the feedback you’d expect? Dating Expert Brooke Lewis schools us on how to handle ‘hard to get.’
—
As a single woman and Dating Expert, you will often hear me quote, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” And, as much as men and women hate to admit it, there is alwaysa game in the game of love.
I know, because I have played many and have prided myself on being “hard to get.” I also know because some of my games have worked and others have shamefully backfired.
So, Guys, take a few expert advice tips from a Lady who has been there:
1. Make sure she’s genuinely playing hard to get and not super busy.
I know, we all hate the busy word. And, yes, we can choose to perceive it as an excuse; but I can tell you firsthand, I have been accused of playing hard to get or intentionally not being available when, in fact, I have been working 15-hour days. If I am speaking at an event or filming on set for 12 hours straight, I am not playing hard to get, but may not even have my phone to call or text you back, and I certainly don’t have time to see you for dinner that night.
Guys, like you, women are busier than ever. More and more women are uber focused on their careers. They are traveling for work and some are working more than one job to stay afloat. Divorce rates are higher than ever, so it is likely you are also meeting single moms who are responsible for their children first. If any of you are single dads, then you know that priorities shift when you have children. Some of these women will be both career women and single moms, at which they will truly be challenged with time to date you.
Now, Guys, I want to be clear, this does not mean that we don’t want to spend time with you, but that we really don’t have it to give you right now. Give it time, pay attention and feel it out. You will know quickly which woman is playing and which is truly busy, but is also into you. The latter will make an effort to see you as soon as she can.
2. Stop asking women out last minute and start making plans.
Guys, this is one of my personal pet peeves. I am a rules girl and I choose not to accept a date the night of and, quite frankly, often not past Thursday morning for a weekend date. Now, there are always exceptions and last minute fun events or basketball tickets that come up, but we are focusing here on the beginning stages of dating, so humor me.My girlfriends and I have talked this topic to death and we have all said “no” to last minute dates and, of course, been accused of playing hard to get for it. Believe me, it is not always easy and I have had to have serious self-control to pass up a date with that sexy man who I had the hots for on the other end of the phone.
Remember, we teach people how to treat us. Guys, women want to be courted and made to feel special. They don’t want to feel like a last minute plan or an afterthought. This may present itself as a game, but with a little extra planning to ask a date out in advance, I’ll bet you’ll hear a lot more “yes’s” and feel like women are a lot less hard to get.
3. If a woman is really playing hard to get, it’s okay to play back a little.
We all know there is often a power struggle in the game of love. It really is like a basketball game; the ball bounces from your court to her court at different times, especially at the beginning when you are learning about one another.
I am definitely guilty of having a guy pursue and chase me and make it oh-so-easy early on that I have felt like I didn’t have to work as hard to build something. As a result, I have—unconsciously or unintentionally—taken him/it for granted. Then all of a sudden…BAM! That curveball comes. He skips calling me for a day or two or doesn’t ask me out for Saturday night and I go cray-cray. It happened to me recently and I can laugh about it now, but at the time I was freaked out, because he had been very consistent for the first month, then the curveball. He knew what he was doing and I have to give him props for playing the game. The ball bounced back to his court and I ran to get it.
Now, Guys, let me be clear, I am not saying to do anything spiteful or hurtful or run and hook up with other women if you are dating someone and are into her. I am just saying that you are allowed to play hard to get once in a while too and she just may run right to you, rather than away from you, next time you see her.
Since I am an online dating veteran, I had to save two tips for that:
4. If you met her online, stop emailing and texting and pick up the phone.
This is another huge issue and conversation amongst my female friends and clients. When you meet a woman online, remember, you have never spoken nor seen each other in person yet!
I am old school. I need to hear a guy’s voice, get a vibe and have some sense of his personality before choosing to meet. I have been labeled as “playing hard to get” or “difficult” with many online dating prospects, because I have made a clear choice not to meet a guy without a cool phone convo first.
In this crazy and fast-paced age of technology, we have lost sight of quality, real intimacyand conversation. Fortunately and unfortunately, we have options of people to date online beyond anything we could have imagined.
I cannot tell you how many men I have clicked with via email online dating, to have them ask for my number. I’ve asked them to call me and, instead, have received a text with the expectation of having a full, personal, get-to-know-each-other convo via text messages. I have declined and requested a phone call every time. Some men have respected my request and others have labeled me “tough” or “hard to get.” Sadly, I bet I have missed out on a few good guys who just don’t give good phone, but I’m willing to take my chances and hold out for the guys who want to make the effort to know me.
Speaking of games, I actually have a guy who has been texting me for four months and we have never met. He never calls and I rarely respond. I’m beginning to think it has become a game to him to see how hard to get I really am. Funny, huh? I will retire my online dating jersey before I will go out with him.
5. If you met online, hit it off and she is still online dating all the time, she may be impossible to get.
Guys, this is a tough one and I have had a lot of time and experience to think about it. We need to pay attention to timing, as timing is everything, but we also want to pay attention to behavior.
I have had a lot of friends (male and female) and clients talk to me about how they met someone online, hit it off, even slept together, yet they still see the person on the dating site and feel they may be playing hard to get. In some cases, this is true, others… it is notand you need to learn the difference.Online dating has become like Ebay. The store is open and you can order any time and as many items as you’d like. You may have spent a romantic weekend in Napa with a woman, then caught her online again on Monday morning. This is the nature of the online dating beast. She may genuinely want to date around and keep her options open at this time. She may be newly divorced or fresh out of a relationship and not looking to date just one guy. This does not mean she is not into you, it simply means the timing is off. You may perceive her as playing hard to get, while she actually is impossible to get at this time.
I will end with a personal opposite story for you guys to relate to. I hit it off with a guy online and really liked him. We dated for a month and were hot and heavy quickly. Everything was awesome…except we were both still playing on that dating site daily. He let me know he saw me on there a few times and I made a few snarky remarks about him always being on there. This became an issue for us both and instead of being the bigger person and communicating with him, I played games and hard to get, intentionally logging onto the site and leaving it open just so he would see me on there. My goal became lighting a fire under his ass.
Well, as most of you have guessed, my games backfired and he told me he did not want to date a woman who was always online seeking other men. So by playing hard to get, I lost a guy I was really into. I share that information in my last tip, so that maybe you won’t make the same mistake, you’ll communicate better and know when to walk away or try to make it work.
Guys, I never said the dating game was easy or that you will always win, but that hard to get gal might just be worth going after.
by Brooke Lewis
This post originally appeared at MeetMindful. Reprinted with permission.
—
Brooke Lewis is a life coach and dating expert. Find out more about Brooke and the work she’s doing at her site, Be You and Be Fearless. You can also connect with Brooke on Facebook and on Twitter.
—
Photos: Gavin Schaefer and Guian Bolisay/Flickr
If you thought that was good—there’s plenty more where that came from. We put out a “Best Of” newsletter once a day. Sign up here.
“The rules” is a book written by a serial divorcee, getting dating advice from that is why so many women fail these days. Just look at the male equivalent “The game” by neil strauss, every guy who follows this hates women and can’t keep one. Same deal, just shameless manipulation instead of being genuine.
Sometimes I think we may mistake someone as playing “hard to get” when they may just be shy or unsure of where they stand with the other gender and don’t know how they should be interacting with each other.
I went out with a guy who is impossible to get. He is 47 never married always online, sleeps with everyone he meets online never calls ever, just chats online. Was a waiste of my time.
As is so often stated in the sexual assault discussion, why be intimate with someone that is less than enthuiastic about being with you?
How to “handle” a woman who…. don’t. Don’t try to handle women. Give them the decision to be with you or not.
Hard to get is for insecure immature little girls, not for women.
Playing hard to get is exactly what it says – playing.
If love is a power struggle for you, then you probably deserve the men you get, most likely the ones who like the thrill of the chase, the power struggle, the playing. Good luck with that. I run the other way fast when women start playing games like “hard to get.” I’m not a fish chasing your lure. Go “play” with someone who is.
“I know, because I have played many and have prided myself on being “hard to get.” I also know because some of my games have worked and others have shamefully backfired.” This says everything that needs to be said about the author. The rest of the article can safely be ignored. This author is no expert and dating is not a game. Dating is about meeting people – human beings. They might be people you’d want to have further cintact with and they might be people with whom you have nothing in common. Anyone who plays games with the emotions… Read more »
This is not complicated. You either want to be with someone or you don’t. If not, don’t waste their time and yours.
It’s not all that easy either. Sometimes a woman really wants to be with you but honestly believes that if she were fortright about it that would make you run away because men must feel like they are the hunter. With some men that belief appears to be correct too, because men also mistakingly believe they HAVE to be a certain way. It’s a tragic comedy.
Sounds like women that have spent too much time reading those trashy women’s mags. These techniques ensure that they’ll almost always get emotionally crippled, sub-par guys that have little or no self-esteem. And no, men don’t think that it has to be a certain way. Because we’re the ones that are typically expected to do most of the work, we’re a tad more practical about it. We’re probably not going to turn down convenience unless there’s something else going on there. I know I won’t and I’ve found from past experience that often times the best women are the ones… Read more »
Well, Frank, you are like that, and I am like that, and many men are like that. But you hear the stories women sometimes tell, of men who ran away, or went absolutely nuts when a woman initiated a conversation with them in a bar. We cannot know if that is rare examples of extreme maniacs, or a sizable proportion of the population. But one thing is certain, those men do exist.
Incidentally, I don’t think women so much read magazines, as get their ideas from the same rotten corner of the collective subconscious as the magazines get theirs.
Playing hard to get is bullshit. If you are into it, be into it. If not, then don’t waste my time.
I won’t touch a woman that plays the ‘hard to get’ game. I don’t have the time. Regardless, I’ve found most women playing are doing so as narcissists with no plans for anything other than their own sense of satisfaction. It’s gross and a complete turn off.
Ugh. Pete I totally agree. It’s one thing if some clueless man wants to meet me without speaking on the phone or if someone is consistently making you an afterthought by not bothering to put in basic effort like making plans or communicating solely via texts – this would result in total disinterest on my part, not playing hard to get!
A man who is showing genuine interest does not deserve to be toyed with by a woman playing idiotic games. I would advise any man who finds himself dealing with a woman like this to run.
Completely agree. Stupid dating games aren’t something that men with confidence and other options are going to put up with. Games can be kind of fun to a point, but they tend to get really old, really quick and men often times have other options. Especially since we tend to be looking around for other options when we’re not being treated well.