I’m counting on time to pull me out of this. Right now, that’s all I can do.
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I’m the nice guy — you know, the one who always finishes last. Yeah, that’s me. Except, I’m not always the nice guy. In my career, I’m ruthless, ambitious and decisive. I know what I want, and I’m fearless in pursuing my goals.
Cutting people out of my life is easy if they’re blocking my path to success. But, when I welcome someone into my life — someone with whom I’ve made an intimate connection — all of that goes away.
The first time, I was completely naive. I was the young, popular, player-type guy, who wouldn’t even think of committing. Until I saw you, standing in a pink tank top with a group of friends crowding around, that is.
One of those friends was mutual and told me you were already taken, but that didn’t stop me from pursuing you. If anything, it probably pushed me to go after you even harder.
It took some time, but you finally left him for me. And, when you jumped in my car, I felt like a Roman Soldier, riding back from my latest conquest.
We were instantly inseparable; nothing could stop us from being together, and eventually, we moved into our own apartment, so nothing would ever stop us from being together.
But, it’s strange; looking back I never felt like you were ever mine. I never felt like we completely connected, the way people who vow their love should be connected.
Despite everything we had going for us — years of being together, making you a part of my family and helping you break out of your shell and become the person I always knew you could be —, something was always wrong.
And then, it happened…
I don’t want to relive the actual events. Even just writing them brings back painful memories. But, essentially, you were caught in a lie and that lie turned out to be us. You were not faithful throughout the majority of our relationship.
Finding out was hard, accepting it was even harder and moving on was almost impossible. But, I did move on, and every day you begged me back, I fought the urge to say yes; I fought the urge to cave in and let you back into my life for a chance to be “us” again.
The only vow I made after getting over you was to never be attached again. I promised myself I would never fall in love again without carefully considering who the other person was. I was George Clooney before his nuptials — single without even the slightest interest of letting anyone in.
Then, I saw you on the balcony of my friend’s condo with a glass of white wine in your hand. You had just moved in down the hall, and I took the liberty of setting up a meeting to discuss important “business.”
I was hooked after the very first conversation. Our “meeting” turned into a four-hour dialogue, during which we both let down our walls.
Forget about how good you looked in all black, and forget about the fact you were just as driven in your career as I was. What I loved most was that you “got” me; you understood me completely, to the core. That, alone, made me jump in, feet first. Nothing could stop us.
And then, it happened… again.
I should have seen this one coming. Friends warned me not to trust you, but you seemed so perfect, and felt so damn good. And, we were connected in a way that’s hard for even me to explain on this page.
The first few months were incredible — a euphoria I wish lasted forever. But, it didn’t last and neither did we.
Struggles entered our relationship and you apparently didn’t feel that connection anymore, so you went somewhere else to find it. When I confronted you, you didn’t even deny it. I was speechless.
Should I be blaming myself for being so stupid not once but on two separate occasions? Should I blame both women for making me feel stupid? Or, should I be blaming love — Cupid’s silly little game he plays on his captures?
Whatever it is, it doesn’t change the fact that getting cheated on leaves you broken in some sense. No, I’m not sitting here crying or calling my friends sobbing about another relationship lost to misplaced trust, but I’m just as hurt as any female who has gone through similar experiences.
Right now, I feel like there’s nowhere to go — no one to turn to for comfort or empathy or even to just hear me vent.
I think the difference between men getting hurt and women is that men tend to be in pain alone. We keep our emotions tucked deep inside and feign unaffected demeanors so we can cope.
But, the thing is, how do I ever move on if I don’t ever truly confront these feelings? If any girl smiles at me now or catches my eye for more than a glance, all I can think about is the long road to emotional destruction.
I’m counting on time to pull me out of this. Right now, that’s all I can do.
by Kern Carter
This post originally appeared at Elite Daily. Reprinted with permission.
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Kern Carter is writer and author of the novella “Thoughts of a Fractured Soul.” He is also a public speaker and millennial advocate for educational innovation.
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Photo: Alexander Baxevanis/Flickr
The problem here is not the opposite sex. The problem here is the people you choose. I would say you don’t need to worry about trusting the opposite sex, you need to focus on trusting yourself to make better choices. It’s all about you. When you build trust in yourself to choose well , you will not worry and be on defense with regard to the opposite sex.
Wow this guy is an idiot. He stole another man’a girl and expects her to be faithful. Then he finds another girl with a reputation. I thought he was a business man? What did he think was going to happen? He only has himself to blame and doesn’t want to attempt any self-reflection or talk about it. I thought this was “the good men project.” We should be talking about how men self-reflect and how they can maturely solve a personal struggle. This guy just has an eye for these type of women and I think he needs to train… Read more »
I’d just like to point out a thing or two that I noticed here. You call yourself the ‘nice guy’, but say you will not hesitate to run over anyone who gets in the path of your success? Nice isn’t just to people who serve you and your success. If you are a ‘nice guy’, you would be treating everyone with kindness and consideration, respect and empathy…these are ‘nice guy’ traits. It seems that many a self proclaimed ‘nice guy’ isn’t as nice as he thinks he is when you take an honest look. Also, the first girl was already… Read more »
Nikki, that was exactly what I thought when I read this piece.
as impossible as it seems and hard while going through it, the point is the amazing feelings you had while you were IN LOVE. everything else is a wash. If you don’t want to love again because of the hurt that accompanies it, you’re already dead! Love, relationships and especially long term marriage and monogamy include many highs and lows… our capacity to experience all of those highs and lows and overcome them is the beauty of humanity and our spirit. It hurts now but one day it will make sense! Do you really need to be coupled up with… Read more »
That harsh feeling you have toward the opposite sex will fade away it takes time. We all have experienced pain similar to the pain you have experienced. Pain will either make or break us. You have to remember to give people chances because no one person is the same.
Yeah I get it. The loss of feeling like I could connect to someone again is a tough one that will take time and may never even return. I hope it does, I miss that connection, that openness you have with a significant other. I lost that when my ex left for another man. Toughest thing I have ever gone through. I’m sure when we both least expect it it will happen. It’s what happened when I met my ex. I had no intention of a relationship, I just wanted to sleep with her, and blam I was struck by… Read more »