Seriously. Don’t feign helplessness. If you can open the pickle jar yourself, go for it.
I read a blog post earlier this month that sounded a familiar refrain: Are single women too independent for their own good? Women’s magazines ask that question, men’s magazines ask that question, and the answer is almost always the same: yes.
The thesis rarely varies: women have become so independent that they no longer need men. They may want men, but they’ll get by without them. That self-sufficiency, so the conventional wisdom goes, is chasing men away. Men, as all these articles invariably say, need regular reminders that we’re indispensable. We need women to have problems that they can’t fix for themselves; if we’re not given the opportunity to prove our usefulness, we feel worthless.
Popular wisdom suggests that women feign helplessness: “Even if you know how to do it, pretend you don’t! Let your guy be the hero once in a while.” Nothing like a little manipulation to establish a relationship on firm footing, right?
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As a man, these articles irk me to no end. They’re insulting because they reveal such a low opinion of men. The subtext of these pieces is always the same: despite the outer trappings of civilization, most men are a mixture of the beastly and the heroic. To 
keep a man from being the former, you have to give him as many chances as possible to be the latter. And in order to give him those chances to be heroic, women have to fake incompetence.
The idea seems to be that while women have evolved leaps and bounds within a generation or two, men are still stuck in the Paleolithic era.
(This is the same rationale that encourages women to fake orgasms—instead of talking to your male partner about what he could do differently, or explaining that you’re not in the mood, or doing some other truthful and healthy thing, we teach wives and girlfriends to feign ecstasy in order to protect the supposedly fragile male ego.)
There are more than a few good men out there, men who are much stronger and emotionally competent than we’re taught to believe. We don’t need women to hide the truth from us, especially if that truth involves pretending you don’t know what you know. We’re better, smarter, and more resilient than that. Despite what a few pop psychologists say, our egos aren’t any more fragile than women’s—there’s no need to infantilize us.
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So what’s the real impetus behind these magazine articles urging women to “give up control”? Part of it is unabashed hostility to feminism, the ongoing “backlash” against women’s slow but irresistible march into traditionally male spaces. The oldest trick the anti-feminists have is to use the fear of loneliness against women, setting up a cynical false choice between happy dependence or lonely autonomy. From an anti-feminist standpoint, the more women who can be scared into choosing romance over pursuing their dreams, the longer the glass ceiling stays intact.
But there’s more to it than that. Part of the problem is that we raise too many women to be mistrustful of men. I often ask my female students, most of whom are first-generation college attendees, “How many of you were told to get an education so you wouldn’t have to rely on a man?” At least two-thirds raise their hands, often more. I ask the boys the same question with the sexes reversed, and laughter ensues. You can’t miss the point: while we assume that education is “good” for men, we still send a message to girls that education is a kind of “second-best,” a fall-back option because there are so few good, reliable men. The implication is that if women didn’t find men so disappointing, most women would be blissful about forgoing education in order to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.
These are toxically mixed stories we tell to women. We urge them not to rely on men because men will invariably hurt them—and we urge them to put relationships first, because despite the pain, romance is better than any other kind of success. We tell women to be independent, but not so independent that men can’t demonstrate their usefulness. And we tell women they need to move quickly, because (as the magazines like to claim) biology is ruthlessly unforgiving.
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We need to recognize that men want relationships, not jobs. Giving guys tasks so they can demonstrate their prowess may make sense in the workplace, but it’s lousy advice for a love affair or a marriage. Believe it or not, men don’t just want to be valued for what they can do; they want to be valued for who they are and for how well they can connect and love. And it sells men tragically short to suggest otherwise.
Here’s a newsflash: men can multitask. We can differentiate between a boss and a spouse. Like women, men take pride in doing something well, whether it’s writing a killer brief or throwing a knuckle ball or fixing a broken faucet. But don’t confuse the pleasure of being needed with the need to love and be loved.
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I deal with other people’s needs all the time. As a father, as a mentor, as a PTA president, and as a college professor who specializes in sexuality and gender, I get a lot of validation from “being there” for other people. Lots of people need me. I like that.
I also like that it’s different in my marriage, partnered with a woman who makes more money than I do and who knows more about fixing things than I do and, truth be told, could knock out most men with one punch. (She’s a veteran boxer.) Our marriage isn’t about what we do for each other. We’re friends, we’re soulmates, we’re lovers, but mostly we’re partners of the kind that runs deeper than mutual need. I fell in love with her strength as well as her beauty. I’m grateful she never pretended to be weaker than she was.
Not all men are alike, of course. But I think most of us want more from a relationship than a to-do list and false praise. We’re not caught between beastliness and heroism. Like women, we’re human beings, longing to love, longing to connect, and longing to be challenged.
—photo by Abraxas3d/Flickr
About Hugo Schwyzer
http://goo.gl/TUiN .. scroll down and click on the “Authority Scale” .. you’ll see a chart pop up with James Bond BITCHSLAPPING all of Hollywood. A true Bro!
I appreciate the article, but you are speaking from a well educated man who is in a monogamous relationship. Most men rather the simple girl who doesn’t make more than them and will always keep their egos in check.
I am a pharmacist who like many female pharmacist are single because most men can’t handle our salaries or our level of education. Most of us do not fake it and are really personable and sweet gals (otherwise we would not make it in our profession). Yet, the only reason I can assume for why most are single is because of these stupid hiccups of men. I have dated countless men who all they can focus on is how much I make or even if it isn’t the profession, it is other intellectual or physical insecurities.
Women are faking it in the sense of being okay with being single because we have no other option besides settling. Yeah, many of us could get a guy who I guess would be the modern “trophy husband” who would be kind and caring for offspring, but we were not raised that way. Just because we go after the education doesn’t mean we do it just because we think it is that or the man. Usually we believe we can have the job and the man, but unfortunately these days, men are not keeping pace and it shows. It shows when an “independent woman” as you call it, dates a guy and he feels inferior. If he can’t get it up he curls up in a ball. If he doesn’t make as much, he will never show you empathy for your work stresses because he is jealous.
Thus, us “independent women” have to accept that this is how it is. If guys like you exist they are relationship men and have found their partner. Yet, the single girls, which we do out number most men especially in education now, are just forced to fake it by being content growing old with just our careers and out pets.
Honestly, I wish girls were raised to be like men to be content with men who are not as ambitious or educated as them for mates. Yet, this is not the case, girls still desire the man to be some what the protector and the strength in their world, because honestly is exhausting “faking it” to be strong/good at it all on you own. I give credit to all those alpha males of the 50′s and 60′s because it must have been tough, especially when you substitute most single girl’s pets with a family.
“I am a pharmacist who like many female pharmacist are single because most men can’t handle our salaries or our level of education. ”
If that’s your attitude, then it isn’t your wondrous salary or level of education that is keeping the men away. Of course it’s more comforting to find some reason you can blame on someone else.
Double L,
If I’m misinterpreting what you are saying, please correct me. Here is what I hear you saying:
You are having trouble finding a suitable mate. It is basically the fault of all the men in the world. The lameness of the planet’s men will ensure that you are single for the rest of your life. It’s not you’re fault that you have everything to offer and are perfectly wonderful. Anyone not interested must be seriously flawed, of course.
Allow me to suggest an alternative perspective: if the search for something (mate, car keys, website, whatever) is not going well, maybe the searcher needs to:
1. Look in new places
2. Have more realistic expectations
3. Change the search parameters
4. Look at the usual places with new eyes
5. Advertise the search better
You know what, Double L, if you like your life the way it is then fine, you don’t need to settle.
I ‘settled’ for a man who was ‘inferior’ in education and pay. And aside from the fact that I have someone I love to look forward to coming home to, someone I’m building a life with, someone who makes me happy just to get up in the morning, I really haven’t gotten anything from settling.
Stick to your cats and your principles, girlfriend.
your attitude about what you own and who you are is the problem. And like most human who you are stiffnecked and unwilling to change. The truth is that you also associate with people of like feather, rather than seek out those strong women in beautiful relationship for advice on the right attitude and principles to healthy relationship. Secondly, a man needs a friend and confidante and not a boss, like you. I have lived with women who want to have their way, it is a terrible hell for any man – I say this from experience. Turn to JESUS, leaving both religion and your stereotype about GOD, and ask him to open your eyes to truth. YOU, YOU need GOD in this age more than ever
Jim,
I am simply trying to point out that when you look at school teachers or nurses do you see many single ones in their 30′s and 40′s? Yet, when you look at women who are further along in education or finances, you tend to see more single woman. Also, from experience I have unfortunately adopted that mentality although I rather not because I didn’t go into my profession for the finances. But when you date guys who do not make as much as you or do not have the same education, all they do is bring up how they wish they made as much or keep bringing up your doctorate. Yes, that is my profession, but I am more than just an education title and salary, but men’s egos usually can’t get over that and it is fricken annoying.
Brenda,
Thanks for the suggestions and no I don’t think men are lame. I think there are a lot of great guys out there. It is just hard finding one who is single and confident in their own skin to not let superficial things get in the middle of a good relationship.
Hm. Here’s a thought.
Maybe they can’t get over it because they think you think they’re inferior to you.
“Women are faking it in the sense of being okay with being single because we have no other option besides settling.”
No other option but settling for a man who is below you in education and pay. Settling because they’re the inferior option, of course.
“Honestly, I wish girls were raised to be like men to be content with men who are not as ambitious or educated as them for mates.”
You just can’t be content with men who are not as ambitious or educated. Because they’re inferior to men who are.
“Yeah, many of us could get a guy who I guess would be the modern “trophy husband” who would be kind and caring for offspring, but we were not raised that way. Just because we go after the education doesn’t mean we do it just because we think it is that or the man. Usually we believe we can have the job and the man, but unfortunately these days, men are not keeping pace and it shows.”
Men are not keeping pace, not as ambitious or educated. And because of that they’re inferior.
Yeah, it’s definitely a mystery why men feel insecure around you.
Ok, that makes sense. All I can suggest is that you widen your search. At the same time, you might wnat to examine your own attitudes about these disaprities. Just as there are men who seek out socially inferior women – the young ingenue that he can terach about life, the Third World mail order bride – there are women who do the same, and both can be completely unaware of the dynamic. It’s a form of self-sabotage.
Double L, I understand where you are coming from, I really do. I’m an attorney and men are terrified of me. LOL. Yes I laugh about it but it’s true. There are plenty of men who will be freaked out by your intellect, education and income, and they will write you off as a potential date/girlfriend/wife. It’s unfortunate but it’s the reality. There are other guys out there who don’t feel that way. You need to find them. But when you say things like the following, it makes me wonder if you are clinging to a Disney princess fantasy, waiting for a powerful alpha male prince who will swoop in and save you from your mundane existence:
– “Yeah, many of us could get a guy who I guess would be the modern ‘trophy husband’ who would be kind and caring for offspring, but we were not raised that way. ”
– “Honestly, I wish girls were raised to be like men to be content with men who are not as ambitious or educated as them for mates.”
– “Girls still desire the man to be some what the protector and the strength in their world, because honestly is exhausting ‘faking it’ to be strong/good at it all on you own. ”
In other words, you want a strong man who will take care of you, but face it, you are a strong woman and you don’t really need a strong man to take care of you. So of course you won’t have luck with the kind of men who want a woman who is weak to protect. They know you aren’t that kind of woman and you won’t be able to convince them otherwise.
This truth was a bitter pill for me to swallow because, like you, after I graduated from school, I still harbored this idea of being taken care of by a man, preferably a CEO/executive/doctor type. Yet none of those guys were interested in me. They dated secretaries, massage therapists and aerobics instructors. I was angry. I didn’t want to “settle.” I bought a cat.
So let me tell you what it took me a long time to understand. You need to look for a man who values your strengths and that means giving up the Disney fantasy. Focus on what qualities in a man will really make you happy, not what you idealize as a perfect alpha male/provider/rescuer. For example, I’ve learned that I need to be with a man who is intelligent and educated, because otherwise we don’t have much to talk about, but I don’t care how much money he makes or if he can “take care of me” in a material sense. I want a man who is fun, passionate about life and can connect with me emotionally. No drugs or excessive alcohol. No drama or craziness. Those are the important things for me.
I’m in a relationship now with a man who is sweet, shy, and a bit “nerdy,” and he makes less money than me, but he’s a peach and I love him. He’s incredibly smart, successful in his job (though it’s not hugely lucrative), passionate and talented in many different areas of his life. I haven’t settled. I feel incredibly lucky to be able to share my time on this planet with such a great guy.
I love this part of the article:
“I fell in love with her strength as well as her beauty. I’m grateful she never pretended to be weaker than she was.” It would be great if more men felt this way! Perhaps due to articles like this they will over time.
Life is challenging enough. If all of us are capable, powerful and cooperating skillfully, we will all have more time to relax and play.
Just to add a little more confusion to the discussion, I see a lot of this as a cultural phenomenon. I was compelled as a young girl to follow my academic dreams and not to rely on men – not because they are hurtful or unreliable, but because I come from a culture where the generation of women before me were never given the choice or had the financial stability to be able to make that decision – to go to school, to not marry at 16, to have your own life. So it’s been a push to fulfill every personal potential and to use all your strengths to become the best person you can be. I do think unfortunately to do that sometimes you put love second, and your own success first. I don’t feel I have an unhealthy attitude towards men, or my own strength. I see we work just as hard as each other. It’s just sometimes a play of time and energy and knowing where your happiness lies. It’s not all lies and faked orgasms and bad articles in womens’ magazines. (I try not to read them anyway!)
Clicking on this article I was sure it was going to be about orgasms.
I am disappoint.
There is something wrong with the facebook “Like it” function in this article. I don’t know if it is just with me nor how to correct it. When I press the “Like it” button, it re-likes the last link I liked, and not this article, making this article “unlikeable” on facebook. Which is a shame. Maybe it is a problem in this page, maybe it is in my facebook only. I don’t know, but thought I would let you know, cause maybe you can correct it.
Suppose the pickle jars, of which the fast food places must open several times a day, are routinely extraordinarily difficult to open. Does it make sense for the strongest person to be the go-to pickle jar opener?
Or is this too simple?
I think the point is that if you can open a pickle jar, then do it. Don’t act like you can’t open the pickle jar because a magazine told you it will make your husband feel manly. Wait, I get the sense we’re not talking about pickle jars…
second beach.
The original note about the pickle jar was to believe instantly that the female help at a fast-food place were stroking the ego of the guy by asking him to open the pickle jar.
In some kinds of situations, a tall, strong person can do various things–retrieve a heavy box of documents from the top shelf–more safely than a person who is shorter and not as powerful. Whether it’s a matter of safety or ease vs. struggle, the more powerful person has a kind of obligation among his colleagues. Most don’t mind. Hate to change the practice because it might also stroke their ego.
I once dated a woman in college who was always saying, when I remarked on one thing or another, “You know so much about….” or words to that effect. Got kind of annoying after a while. Really annoying.
By coincidence, several years later, I discovered a friend of mine had known her. Tentatively, I asked, “She was kind of dim…?” Oh, no. Honors College, various other indications of intelligence and knowledge about how the world worked. Really like to know what about me made her think she had to play that game. Complicates things to consider she was wrong.
typhonblue
The idea of the woman as always in danger, fragile, constantly vulnerable, always oppressed, suppressed, repressed and depressed, provides a good many jobs for folks in the academic and activist world. Can’t afford to let that one go.
The rest of the issues you mention are also valuable in a different way.
To see a contradiction is perfectly reasonable. To presume that feminists will give up one or the other because of the contradiction is not reasonable.
What an encouraging article. Books and magazines make it seem like women cannot be themselves and get a man at the same time. They got to be all weak, ditsy and helpless because men can’t handle strong real women.
Which is rather insulting. I hate those notions. They’re stupid.