Seriously. Don’t feign helplessness. If you can open the pickle jar yourself, go for it.
I read a blog post earlier this month that sounded a familiar refrain: Are single women too independent for their own good? Women’s magazines ask that question, men’s magazines ask that question, and the answer is almost always the same: yes.
The thesis rarely varies: women have become so independent that they no longer need men. They may want men, but they’ll get by without them. That self-sufficiency, so the conventional wisdom goes, is chasing men away. Men, as all these articles invariably say, need regular reminders that we’re indispensable. We need women to have problems that they can’t fix for themselves; if we’re not given the opportunity to prove our usefulness, we feel worthless.
Popular wisdom suggests that women feign helplessness: “Even if you know how to do it, pretend you don’t! Let your guy be the hero once in a while.” Nothing like a little manipulation to establish a relationship on firm footing, right?
♦◊♦
As a man, these articles irk me to no end. They’re insulting because they reveal such a low opinion of men. The subtext of these pieces is always the same: despite the outer trappings of civilization, most men are a mixture of the beastly and the heroic. To keep a man from being the former, you have to give him as many chances as possible to be the latter. And in order to give him those chances to be heroic, women have to fake incompetence.
The idea seems to be that while women have evolved leaps and bounds within a generation or two, men are still stuck in the Paleolithic era.
(This is the same rationale that encourages women to fake orgasms—instead of talking to your male partner about what he could do differently, or explaining that you’re not in the mood, or doing some other truthful and healthy thing, we teach wives and girlfriends to feign ecstasy in order to protect the supposedly fragile male ego.)
There are more than a few good men out there, men who are much stronger and emotionally competent than we’re taught to believe. We don’t need women to hide the truth from us, especially if that truth involves pretending you don’t know what you know. We’re better, smarter, and more resilient than that. Despite what a few pop psychologists say, our egos aren’t any more fragile than women’s—there’s no need to infantilize us.
♦◊♦
So what’s the real impetus behind these magazine articles urging women to “give up control”? Part of it is unabashed hostility to feminism, the ongoing “backlash” against women’s slow but irresistible march into traditionally male spaces. The oldest trick the anti-feminists have is to use the fear of loneliness against women, setting up a cynical false choice between happy dependence or lonely autonomy. From an anti-feminist standpoint, the more women who can be scared into choosing romance over pursuing their dreams, the longer the glass ceiling stays intact.
But there’s more to it than that. Part of the problem is that we raise too many women to be mistrustful of men. I often ask my female students, most of whom are first-generation college attendees, “How many of you were told to get an education so you wouldn’t have to rely on a man?” At least two-thirds raise their hands, often more. I ask the boys the same question with the sexes reversed, and laughter ensues. You can’t miss the point: while we assume that education is “good” for men, we still send a message to girls that education is a kind of “second-best,” a fall-back option because there are so few good, reliable men. The implication is that if women didn’t find men so disappointing, most women would be blissful about forgoing education in order to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.
These are toxically mixed stories we tell to women. We urge them not to rely on men because men will invariably hurt them—and we urge them to put relationships first, because despite the pain, romance is better than any other kind of success. We tell women to be independent, but not so independent that men can’t demonstrate their usefulness. And we tell women they need to move quickly, because (as the magazines like to claim) biology is ruthlessly unforgiving.
♦◊♦
We need to recognize that men want relationships, not jobs. Giving guys tasks so they can demonstrate their prowess may make sense in the workplace, but it’s lousy advice for a love affair or a marriage. Believe it or not, men don’t just want to be valued for what they can do; they want to be valued for who they are and for how well they can connect and love. And it sells men tragically short to suggest otherwise.
Here’s a newsflash: men can multitask. We can differentiate between a boss and a spouse. Like women, men take pride in doing something well, whether it’s writing a killer brief or throwing a knuckle ball or fixing a broken faucet. But don’t confuse the pleasure of being needed with the need to love and be loved.
♦◊♦
I deal with other people’s needs all the time. As a father, as a mentor, as a PTA president, and as a college professor who specializes in sexuality and gender, I get a lot of validation from “being there” for other people. Lots of people need me. I like that.
I also like that it’s different in my marriage, partnered with a woman who makes more money than I do and who knows more about fixing things than I do and, truth be told, could knock out most men with one punch. (She’s a veteran boxer.) Our marriage isn’t about what we do for each other. We’re friends, we’re soulmates, we’re lovers, but mostly we’re partners of the kind that runs deeper than mutual need. I fell in love with her strength as well as her beauty. I’m grateful she never pretended to be weaker than she was.
Not all men are alike, of course. But I think most of us want more from a relationship than a to-do list and false praise. We’re not caught between beastliness and heroism. Like women, we’re human beings, longing to love, longing to connect, and longing to be challenged.
—photo by Abraxas3d/Flickr
What an encouraging article. Books and magazines make it seem like women cannot be themselves and get a man at the same time. They got to be all weak, ditsy and helpless because men can’t handle strong real women.
Which is rather insulting. I hate those notions. They’re stupid.
typhonblue
The idea of the woman as always in danger, fragile, constantly vulnerable, always oppressed, suppressed, repressed and depressed, provides a good many jobs for folks in the academic and activist world. Can’t afford to let that one go.
The rest of the issues you mention are also valuable in a different way.
To see a contradiction is perfectly reasonable. To presume that feminists will give up one or the other because of the contradiction is not reasonable.
second beach. The original note about the pickle jar was to believe instantly that the female help at a fast-food place were stroking the ego of the guy by asking him to open the pickle jar. In some kinds of situations, a tall, strong person can do various things–retrieve a heavy box of documents from the top shelf–more safely than a person who is shorter and not as powerful. Whether it’s a matter of safety or ease vs. struggle, the more powerful person has a kind of obligation among his colleagues. Most don’t mind. Hate to change the practice because… Read more »
Suppose the pickle jars, of which the fast food places must open several times a day, are routinely extraordinarily difficult to open. Does it make sense for the strongest person to be the go-to pickle jar opener?
Or is this too simple?
I think the point is that if you can open a pickle jar, then do it. Don’t act like you can’t open the pickle jar because a magazine told you it will make your husband feel manly. Wait, I get the sense we’re not talking about pickle jars…
There is something wrong with the facebook “Like it” function in this article. I don’t know if it is just with me nor how to correct it. When I press the “Like it” button, it re-likes the last link I liked, and not this article, making this article “unlikeable” on facebook. Which is a shame. Maybe it is a problem in this page, maybe it is in my facebook only. I don’t know, but thought I would let you know, cause maybe you can correct it.
Clicking on this article I was sure it was going to be about orgasms.
I am disappoint.
Just to add a little more confusion to the discussion, I see a lot of this as a cultural phenomenon. I was compelled as a young girl to follow my academic dreams and not to rely on men – not because they are hurtful or unreliable, but because I come from a culture where the generation of women before me were never given the choice or had the financial stability to be able to make that decision – to go to school, to not marry at 16, to have your own life. So it’s been a push to fulfill every… Read more »
I love this part of the article:
“I fell in love with her strength as well as her beauty. I’m grateful she never pretended to be weaker than she was.” It would be great if more men felt this way! Perhaps due to articles like this they will over time.
Life is challenging enough. If all of us are capable, powerful and cooperating skillfully, we will all have more time to relax and play.
Jim, I am simply trying to point out that when you look at school teachers or nurses do you see many single ones in their 30’s and 40’s? Yet, when you look at women who are further along in education or finances, you tend to see more single woman. Also, from experience I have unfortunately adopted that mentality although I rather not because I didn’t go into my profession for the finances. But when you date guys who do not make as much as you or do not have the same education, all they do is bring up how they… Read more »
Hm. Here’s a thought. Maybe they can’t get over it because they think you think they’re inferior to you. “Women are faking it in the sense of being okay with being single because we have no other option besides settling.” No other option but settling for a man who is below you in education and pay. Settling because they’re the inferior option, of course. “Honestly, I wish girls were raised to be like men to be content with men who are not as ambitious or educated as them for mates.” You just can’t be content with men who are not… Read more »
Ok, that makes sense. All I can suggest is that you widen your search. At the same time, you might wnat to examine your own attitudes about these disaprities. Just as there are men who seek out socially inferior women – the young ingenue that he can terach about life, the Third World mail order bride – there are women who do the same, and both can be completely unaware of the dynamic. It’s a form of self-sabotage.
Double L, I understand where you are coming from, I really do. I’m an attorney and men are terrified of me. LOL. Yes I laugh about it but it’s true. There are plenty of men who will be freaked out by your intellect, education and income, and they will write you off as a potential date/girlfriend/wife. It’s unfortunate but it’s the reality. There are other guys out there who don’t feel that way. You need to find them. But when you say things like the following, it makes me wonder if you are clinging to a Disney princess fantasy, waiting… Read more »
I appreciate the article, but you are speaking from a well educated man who is in a monogamous relationship. Most men rather the simple girl who doesn’t make more than them and will always keep their egos in check. I am a pharmacist who like many female pharmacist are single because most men can’t handle our salaries or our level of education. Most of us do not fake it and are really personable and sweet gals (otherwise we would not make it in our profession). Yet, the only reason I can assume for why most are single is because of… Read more »
“I am a pharmacist who like many female pharmacist are single because most men can’t handle our salaries or our level of education. ”
If that’s your attitude, then it isn’t your wondrous salary or level of education that is keeping the men away. Of course it’s more comforting to find some reason you can blame on someone else.
Double L, If I’m misinterpreting what you are saying, please correct me. Here is what I hear you saying: You are having trouble finding a suitable mate. It is basically the fault of all the men in the world. The lameness of the planet’s men will ensure that you are single for the rest of your life. It’s not you’re fault that you have everything to offer and are perfectly wonderful. Anyone not interested must be seriously flawed, of course. Allow me to suggest an alternative perspective: if the search for something (mate, car keys, website, whatever) is not going… Read more »
You know what, Double L, if you like your life the way it is then fine, you don’t need to settle.
I ‘settled’ for a man who was ‘inferior’ in education and pay. And aside from the fact that I have someone I love to look forward to coming home to, someone I’m building a life with, someone who makes me happy just to get up in the morning, I really haven’t gotten anything from settling.
Stick to your cats and your principles, girlfriend.
your attitude about what you own and who you are is the problem. And like most human who you are stiffnecked and unwilling to change. The truth is that you also associate with people of like feather, rather than seek out those strong women in beautiful relationship for advice on the right attitude and principles to healthy relationship. Secondly, a man needs a friend and confidante and not a boss, like you. I have lived with women who want to have their way, it is a terrible hell for any man – I say this from experience. Turn to JESUS,… Read more »
http://goo.gl/TUiN .. scroll down and click on the “Authority Scale” .. you’ll see a chart pop up with James Bond BITCHSLAPPING all of Hollywood. A true Bro!
You can’t miss the point: while we assume that education is “good” for men, we still send a message to girls that education is a kind of “second-best,” a fall-back option because there are so few good, reliable men. The implication is that if women didn’t find men so disappointing, most women would be blissful about forgoing education in order to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen. I dunno. Again, I wonder if you’re actually listening to what your students say or just reading your own opinion onto them. I ask my female students the same question and they… Read more »
“….while the other half of the women basically believed that men didn’t want women to work. I then asked the menn in the class what they thought, and all of them claimed they wouldn’t marry a woman who didn’t work. ”
Thaddeaus, what do you think accounts for this disconnect? Why are the women so uninformed of what their male peers really think? Who are they listening to instead of the people who se views they claim to know? What social mechanism is at fault for their ignorance?
Well, first of all this is anecdotal evidence, so I’m not sure if this is “proof” of anything, really.
But I think that both men and women in the younger generation have grown up being well aware of older, sexist attitudes. Women still believe that younger men think this way because T.V., the media, and the occasional RL example show them this. The fact that the majority of younger men DON’T think that way hasn’t quite sunk in yet.
After all, you only need one male asshole to “prove a point” about all men.
Do you think the “disconnect” might be about parenting? This type of work, which is often emotional and invisible, doesn’t always get recognized as “work.” So the women might be wondering whether the men want a marriage where the woman does the lion’s share of the parenting (thus the woman would not “work” for pay if it competed with parenting) or a marriage where both the man and woman parent and both work for pay. If the man does parenting work, this is unpaid and so he does not have as much time and energy for paid work – but… Read more »
Hmmm. Most of these kids have no rl experience with parenting, so I don’t think the disconnect it there.
In any case, I have wrists like a 10 year old. If most women cannot open a jam jar then I cannot either.
I have painful ganglions in both wrist joints. Hell, I have difficulty opening those plastic bottles of milk with ease…
You clearly don’t know what the glass ceiling means. And no, it’s not a ‘magical reason’ it’s sexism.
Men who choose to do business in male only spaces to exclude their female coworkers from participating are doing so to keep the ‘boys club’ going.
Doesn’t exist. Your “boys club” is a figment of your imagination.
EXCELLENT PIECE. BRAVO.
I can proudly say that I’ve never faked an orgasm, and always have been honest if asked and I didn’t. …But I really do have a hard time opening stuff like pickle jars. I’m not pretending! 😉 Actually, to be more serious for a minute, I think this expectation that women act helpless actually makes a great deal of us believe we are helpless. I was reminded last night while playing pool, of all things, with my husband. I assumed I’d be bad at it, like I usually am because I never try very hard, and figured he’s a better… Read more »
I sometimes faked orgasms when I was in my 20’s because it just got to be too difficult to try to explain all the time why I didn’t get one. At that time in my life, I just wasn’t comfortable enough with myself to have an orgasm or to explain to a guy how to give me an orgasm (in fact, I didn’t know, so I couldn’t tell him). It usually wasn’t the guy’s fault at all. Nevertheless, my inability to have an orgasm became such a huge “issue” in a couple relationships that I felt I had no other… Read more »
Men of all ages hear the message that if their partners are not having orgasms it is the man’s fault somehow. Not necessarily just his technique or physique but some kind of intimacy failing. I believe the GMP just had a recent article suggesting that many men overestimate how much pleasure their partners are having. Many a man is afraid that he is one of those clueless men.
I’ve been with women who have faked orgasm. I found this out in one of two ways: 1) she told me afterwards that she did, or 2) I could tell at the time she was faking. (Plus, I just assume there were times when they did but I never found out.) There are lots of downsides and risks to faking it, all sorts of ethical dilemmas and gender dynamics we can get into. I just want to put it out there that not everyone is a gifted actress. There actual limits to an aroused man’s cluelessness and limits to his… Read more »
April, here’s another take on that:
http://musingsofaprohuman.blogspot.com/2011/03/truth-about-propaganda.html
I think actually that’s more or less what he’s saying, that the glass ceiling exists because of the choices women make (i.e. to pursue romance over an independent career).
I don’t think the author was saying there is a cabal out there keeping women down. Rather he is talking about cultural messages that we all incorporate, even unconsciously, that affect our behavior in various ways. Those messages come from parents, friends, tv, movies, magazines, advertising, etc. Women end up getting so many mixed messages that it leads to a lot of inner conflict. (Men get plenty of mixed messages too, our culture is toxic in many ways to everyone.) A classic example would be the message that as a woman, you must be sexy and desirable or no man… Read more »
All I can say is that I’ve had plenty of men over the years tell me that I’m “too independent”. Luckily, I found a man who appreciates my independent nature but it took me a long time. I was never one to manipulate men by acting helpless, but honestly I think that hurt my romantic prospects. Obviously every man is different but there are plenty of dating books by MEN that advise women to do little things to make men feel “needed” — even if it’s feigned. I’ve read over and over again that men need to feel needed or… Read more »
I can relate to this as well. Growing up, my father always parroted women and men are different and boys want one thing and one thing only, and I realize the latter statement is damaging to boys in general, and probably the former. My father also told me that men need to be the bread winners of the family, while also telling me I need have an education/job should anything happen (I take this to mean should anything happen to the man in my life, though dad also told me I never needed a man to be happy.) You can… Read more »
Not to mention damaging to girls. If as a girl you get taught that boys are bad people that just want sex, it would mean that if they want sex that sex is bad, and it must be the boys fault. It completely destroys girls’ sexual identity, especially when then they get the conflicting messages that she should be sexually open, in for example college. You want a major reason for false accusations of rape, when in it fact it was just two drunk people enjoying themselves? The tearing apart of girls’ sexual identity. They’ve been taught sex is bad,… Read more »
You know, I took this response seriously until you go to the part where you blamed feminism. Feminism didn’t birth this mindset. This mindset has existed for a while, that boys are sexual fiends and that’s all they want. As someone who has studied Victorian literature and its time period, this mindset has existed for centuries. Women couldn’t go out alone because they might be attacked by an “evil” man. They had to have escorts, and it was incredibly indecent to see them without one. Men, on the other hand, could go out alone, because the assumption was that they… Read more »
“I can tell you right now I felt sexually repressed in middle school, constantly frustrated because I couldn’t express my sexuality the way the boys were freely doing without consequence.” And I was with you right up to the point where you made this huge unverified assumption. Explain how you felt boys could express their sexuality without consequence? Were boys who didn’t fall into the dominant narrative able to express their sexuality without consequence? The ones who ‘didn’t feel ready’, were virgins, were sexually shy, valued chastity and emotional commitment, were gay… did these boys get to express their sexuality?… Read more »
Aka, gynocentrism. And who do you think are the ones who continue to promote it? That’s right: Feminism. It’s feminism that spends his time depicting boys as rapists, to the point that girls going to college get taken apart and get a nice lecture of how you should be afraid of that guy you’re with, even if he’s your best friend since kindergarten who came to the same college as you did, because one unguarded moment and he’ll rape you! It’s feminism that spends its time with shaming posters targeted at boys making everyone look at them like rapists unless… Read more »
I do consider myself a male feminist, though not in the definition you appear to hold. To me feminism is gender equality. This on the one hand means stuff like equal pay and equal notions of maturity and on the other equal parental leave. From wikipedia:” Feminism is a collection of movements aimed at defining, establishing and defending equal political, economic, and social rights and equal opportunities for women.[1][2][3] Its concepts overlap with those of women’s rights. Feminism is mainly focused on women’s issues, but because feminism seeks gender equality, some feminists argue that men’s liberation is therefore a necessary… Read more »
As I said, you use a different definition of feminism than I do. Changing definitions to suit your needs is all well and good as long as you do so in-group, where everyone knows of the changes. Everybody loves an in-joke.
However when discussing things on general forums it would be clearer to adhere to the general definition of terms. Because I do sympathise with a lot of things the MRA seems to stand for. The rethoric used makes you come across as the male equivalent of the extremist manhating female superiority crusader.
Woman as victim has a huge refrain in feminist thought.
Do you disagree?
We both know what you’re trying to set up here.
If you have a point, get to it.
What I wrote was perfectly transparent. But I’ll try to put it another way.
If feminists were about getting rid of the stereotype of the ‘damsel in distress’ wouldn’t they be invested in gender-blind DV, rape and other services to victims and actively oppose *genderizing* these issues?
Wrong. Keeping to “general definition” of terms when that general definition is a false definition created through propaganda and manipulation is not making things clearer, it just obfuscates the truth even more. Feminism is not about equality, if they were, they wouldn’t have created a VAWA, they would have created a VAPA. They wouldn’t hurt girls ability to learn to read just to hurt boys ability to read more, they wouldn’t create commercials and posters that shame boys even babies for being boys, claiming they are all rapists unless they’re taught well, etc. etc. etc. If you are against all… Read more »
I don’t feel insulted when someone suggests that men aren’t necessary in life. I’m a big believer in autonomy. If I feel threatened by my partner’s independence then that’s my problem, not hers. If her behavior means the relationship is all about her needs and not about mine at all, and if she won’t change to take my needs into account, then I have to take responsibility for my life and walk away. Besides, as a hetero guy I know _I_ don’t need a man, so not needing one makes perfect sense to me. There are lots of wonderful things… Read more »
P.S. Of course, if you find it really sexy when I open a jar of pickles, and it serves as a flirty prelude, then please don’t stop asking me to open jars!
“I also think there’s a new gender double standard out there about asking for help. It goes something like this: a woman who doesn’t ask for help is strong and independent, building a good life for herself, but a man who doesn’t ask for help is afraid to show his vulnerability, is immature, and needs to let other people in because he will never grow that way.”{ There is truth in this. I think we all sometimes need other people’s help, but it’s not gender specific. It’s a human concern. I suspect that one of the reasons people push for… Read more »
I thought the point of the article was that women are “supposed” to ask for help, because otherwise men won’t feel needed and they (women) will die lonely spinsters surrounded by cats.
Feeling lonely can be very tragic, but who says being a spinster surrounded by cats is a bad thing? (I mean, besides dog people….)
Not male, but I am a feminist, and I have to disagree a bit with both you and the author. I have no problem with MGTOW, but I think that the pressure to become a “jar opener” is pounded into men long before they’re adults. Sons face a much larger pressure to become the “jar openers” of their families than daughters do, especially I think in more conservative households, and more so if they’re the oldest. The Helpless Woman ploy from women who are their adult peers comes later, and plays into an attitude that’s already established to some degree… Read more »
I disagree. I think feminists (especially radical feminists) understand exactly what it means. Twisty Faster is actually a good example of this- she calls it the “future feminist utopia’ and in it, all of the things above would be true. Feminists would honestly love to be out of a job, (and so would I) but I don’t think that’s going to happen until sons are allowed to be more than jar openers. MGTOW are well within their rights to step out of that particular gender roll, but frankly I don’t think much will change until both they and feminists make… Read more »
I’m not placing the responsibility on boys; I’m placing the responsibility on the adults in his life, and societal norms as a whole regarding attitudes towards who he “should” be. I’m not denying women agency at all: a large part of the problem is that while mothers (and fathers, but less so I think) are happy to teach their daughters not to rely on the jar openers, they have not similarly taught their sons that they deserve the opportunity to become more than that in life. I have no idea how you concluded that achieves goals for women; I think… Read more »
Cultural conditioning and physiological facts….what a grappler. These conversations have gone on for centuries. It is what you choose for yourself as a person that makes a life you can live with satisfied, or one that will expand the bounds.
The reality is, who would choose to fake it? Those who just want to get it over with. But then, what part of you are you giving up if this is all there is in the act? I think the act should be completely reciprocal, therefore, never fake it. Nothing like a real smorgasbord.
Nice article. As another poster put it, being “wanted” rather than being “needed” adds a whole new level to your sex life and partnership with a woman, I would imagine. I wanted also to mention that where Mr. Schwytzer says “And we tell women they need to move quickly, because (as the magazines like to claim) biology is ruthlessly unforgiving,” there is, of course, truth to the female biological clock, but there is also truth to the male biological clock. Chromosomal deterioration of sperm over time, sperm motility issues, psychological issues associated with older fatherhood all have an impact on… Read more »
The great thing about this is that it takes two to tango – which means that both mend and women can end this silly little dance if they want to. The first step is to not do it in your own relationship – to not pretend to be weak if you’re a woman, and to encourage your woman to be self-sufficient if you’re a man. And to accept that if you arrive in the relationship with a lot of conditioning, there may have to be a trial and error to get it right. Talk about it. Talk about gender roles… Read more »