Kyle Luetters has learned that keeping a relationship together means not giving up one very important thing.
According to the the Huffington Post, the average American couple will spend $133.91 on Valentines Day this year. In a sign of traditional relational norms (or by simple virtue of the fact that we screw up more), men will spend more than their counterparts to the tune of $108.38 to $49.41.
Over 50% of couples plan to celebrate the holiday named for early Christian martyrs named the Valentines. Somehow, through thousands of years, we went from early church followings to little candied hearts, but that is not the point of this piece. Two people together in a relationship is.
Relationship………
Now that’s an interesting word.
Without having you come over to my condo for a straw poll, I am willing to bet a majority of you are in a relationship this time of year or want to be in one.
It’s that sense of belonging to of having someone there with us that is sexy and appealing, right?
We crave it.
Demand it.
Desire it.
We are willing to jump through massive hoops for it. Ladies spend a tremendous amount of time getting ready, primping, styling, obsessing for a date. Guys………… we try to be on time, right?
Jokes aside, we were created as relational creatures and when we find someone that we like to be around, it’s like watching two magnets instantly attract to one another. Once we’re within distance, we gravitate towards one another with a fierce force. Seemingly overnight, we begin a non-stop barrage of talking and spending time with said person.
A shiny new object has appeared and we just can’t seem to help yourself.
We divert massive resources like chunks of time, money and so forth into this new plant we call a relationship. We want to see it grow and take off. We want to see that future, planning for it and waxing together about how awesome it will be 24/7.
We do all of this and something funny happens.
Friends wonder why we have disappeared.
Our work has become stale.
That fitness regimen is sliding.
On and on.
Why?
It seems that in our intense desire to become “coupled up,” we kind of forget that the way you get “2” is “1+1.”
We all know people that literally lose themselves into and become consumed by their relationships. I would venture to say we are all guilty of it from time to time. It’s easy though. That person has a luster to them that is hard to be away from.
But it’s vital that we do.
You see, when we become lost in a relationship….. when we lose who we are or subvert things that we hold near and dear, we lose the essence of why that person is attracted to us in the first place.
We lose ourselves.
We lose that edge that makes us …… us.
If unchecked, we forsake the things that make us happy and then we start deriving more and more of our happiness from the relationship. Ah, but then, what happens if it goes away? Back to square one Charlie.
I have been through this cycle a few times in my life. For this go around, I walked into the relationship with the commitment to myself that I would maintain a strong sense of self and continue to do the things I enjoy, that enrich me and that bring me happiness.
In the past, I would’ve been deathly afraid to tell a new girl this. However, with more mileage on my odometer than the last time I started out on one of these journeys, I listened to wisdom and stuck to my guns.
The girl’s response (though I can’t remember the exact words) went something like this:
“That’s totally fine and I want that for me too.”
People, I can tell you that she has said many things to me but that statement right there ranks in the top-5 of “wow, she’s pretty dang cool” statements.
I’m not sure entirely where some of you are in your relationships but if you’re feeling like you’re losing yourself, pull off to the side of the road and have a heart to heart. They make hate it or they (most likely) will feel the same way.
If you’re single, make this a priority as you date and get to know people. Throw this out there as something that is important to you and see where that other person is. You want someone who respects your right to have a life of your own. Conversely, if they want you all the time, this is a red flag.
Don’t give into your desires for relationship just to have someone around 24/7. It’s a nice image but, without appropriate boundaries, it becomes unhealthy,stressful and downright worrisome. Think of how many people are devastated when a relationship ends because they gave up themselves to be apart of someone else. Pretty risky stuff right there.
Now, this may seem like a depressing message on the one of the most romantic days on the calendar. Perhaps, but I thought it might be wise to throw this out there in light of all of the attention that relationships will be getting in the next few days. It’s an idea that is endorsed by many happy couples. Couples who have stood the test of time and spent many Valentine’s Days together.
Couples that have spent more or less than $133.91 to celebrate being together, in a healthy way.
Photo: Gareth Williams/Flickr
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