Warren and Betsy Talbot have found that their toughest adventures bring them closer together.
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For the past four years my wife and I have been in a constant state of change. Our lives have been in flux in everything from the bed we will sleep in, to the foods we have available, to the language in which we need to communicate. We left our home, jobs, and friends in 2010 to travel the world, a purposeful but still overwhelming change to our everyday life and relationship. In that time we’ve learned how important it is to stay connected as partners while everything around us changes. It is in these moments of extreme change or challenge when the limits of our relationship can be tested, but also the time when our strength as partners shines.
The Not-So-Great Train Robbery
In the summer of 2013 we were enjoying a train ride between Germany and Hungary. We were on our way to visit Budapest, excited to see the city for the first time. We completed the first leg of this journey overnight through Germany, where we were lulled to sleep by the rocking motion of the cars. We awoke in Vienna where we changed trains for the last leg into Hungary. We were anxious, a little tired, and, in retrospect, we had let our guard down. This would prove to be another “opportunity” to grow together as a couple.
We loaded onto the train in Vienna and settled into the luxury of wide seats and a nearly empty compartment. It was the perfect start to the morning as the sun rose over the hills. About an hour into the ride we were asked to move seats by a group who wanted to sit together. We were happy to oblige. We stood up and Betsy reached for her daypack, which she had stored in the rack above our seats. The area was empty. No daypack. Nothing but an empty shelf waiting for someone else to store their luggage. Immediately I knew – we’d been the victims of thieves.
Betsy was not ready to give up and she took off to search every nook and cranny of the train in hopes that her bag could be found. While she held to a sliver of hope, I knew it was pointless. There was no doubt we had been targeted by people who had done this many, many times before. It was not a crime of opportunity, but more an orchestrated plan. Our bag, and everything in it, was long gone. Now we needed to deal with the aftermath.
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I knew that Betsy would be blaming herself for the loss and struggling with anger and frustration at all that had been lost. After all, the daypack contained a brand new Macbook Air, credit cards, iPod, a camera, her favorite scarf, sunglasses, and the backup drive for our business. It also contained her passport, which we’d need in two weeks when we left Europe for a long-planned hike in Turkey. It was tough to see my wife and partner and I knew I needed to step up and be her support system and listen to her concerns.
I turned my attention to my lovely wife and made the decision to be her “hero”.
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My natural tendency at this point would be to focus on who was to blame, what we had lost, the money it would cost to replace it all, or riling myself up for a fight. Instead, I turned my attention to my lovely wife and made the decision to be her “hero”. I would do whatever she needed to get through this and on the practical steps to get us back on track. I would give Betsy all the space she needed to freak out, while I delved into the world of action. Thanks to the wonders of technology I was able to get online while our train barreled through the beautiful Austrian countryside. I cancelled all our credit cards, researched the options for getting her a new passport, and determined how to file a police report in Hungary (not something I ever expected to learn).
By the time Betsy came back to our seats I had taken care of what I could online. Then, I listened to her. I reassured her that it could have happened to either of us and not to blame herself. I focused on giving her everything she needed at this point. She was the one who needed me and I was ready to help however I could. My goal was to be as Zen as possible about the loss because she would be freaking out enough for us both. I let her know that we could replace everything and that I was not angry in the least. I was there to help, not blame.
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Our first day in Budapest was not filled with museums, cafes, and strolls through the old streets. We spent the day inside a Hungarian police station filling out forms, waiting to fill out more forms, and then waiting some more to chat with an officer who gave us more forms. Here we were in a new country with no passport, no ability to speak Hungarian, and no credit cards. It was a perfect environment for an epic fight. Instead, we used the opportunity to strengthen our partnership and now look back at the experience as a new type of adventure.
I will admit that being calm and supportive are not my default reactions. These are skills I’ve developed over the last 4 years spending so much time together with my wife. I realized that in order for us to be happy I needed to be far more accommodating to her needs and resist the urge to fret over everything that did not go according to plan. This slow shift in mindset prepared me to jump in just when Betsy needed me most.
Prepared for the Unexpected
While I would not recommend getting your possession stolen as the ideal relationship therapy, it does represent the skills you can develop to weather the challenges you will face with your partner:
- Take Turns Freaking Out – When a difficult situation arises (death of a loved one, loss of a job, robbed on a train) each of you are bound to react differently. The person who lost their job is going to need some space to vent, to express their worry and concerns. When this happens, don’t add to the hysteria and jump into the fray. Give your partner the space to air their concerns. In any partnership each of you is going to freak out, but ensuring that only one of you is doing the crazy dance at a time will ensure the partnership stays in tact and the practicalities of living are looked after.
- Be The Hero (hat tip to Kent and Canaan of NoVacationsRequired.com for this idea) – While your partner is working through his/her anger, fear, or grief take the opportunity to be their hero. Focus on giving your partner whatever he/she needs in that moment. The hero is there to be the rock and to guide you both through the situation – from a shoulder to cry on, to the practical elements to get out of a jamb, to taking the lead in dealing with a tragedy. Being ready and willing to be that hero is key to weathering challenges that will come into a relationship and enjoying long-term happiness together.
- Plan for the Unexpected – Things are going to happen which are determined to upset the happy balance you all have built together. Some may be planned (moving to a new city) or completely unexpected (the sudden loss of your job), but you can be prepared by having an open and honest dialog with your partner. Talk about what you each need in the midst of big change. Understand your partner and your own reactions when change occurs. Do you tend to freak out? If so, let your partner know this and ask for their help. By talking about your tendencies you can anticipate your partner’s reactions in the fact of a challenging situation and jump in to provide the help he/she needs.
Your relationship can endure far more than you ever expect when you commit to being true partners. This ensures you both are looking out for each other and know what the other needs. When you find yourselves experiencing a new challenge, step back and watch how the partnership leaps into action to ride the wave. You will be delighted you planned for it and love the strength that comes at the end of riding it out together.
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Image: Gaudencio Garcinuño/Flickr
I just saw this, Warren.
Your mindset, strength, and commitment is awesome and admirable. I’m sure it serves you well in all other facets of your life.
And when it’s her turn to be the hero, it feels SO good when you know you can count on it.
Great story which I’ll be sharing with my men clients today.
Thanks.