How to end the relationship but keep the kids: advice from Limpet Girl.
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This is for the weary; the frustrated. This is for the battle-broken fathers. This is for the lost parents. This is for the separating men (and women) who just want to walk away. For those who are finding it too hard, who think, in a moment of despair, that they just want to give up. This is for you.
Your relationship has ended. Right now it probably feels like the apocalypse has arrived. Your world has come crashing down and the fallout spreads far and wide. Maybe you’ve already walked out. Or you might still be living in the family home and the tension is high. You might not be able to co-exist in the same space without it ending in a fight. You might despise this woman (or man – change gender as applicable) you once loved. But please, before you pack your bags and leave, before you close the door on the past, take this one golden rule to live by as you go your separate ways.
Your children need you.
That’s all you need to remember. Your children need you.
Your children need you to be present in their lives.
You don’t have to live in the same house, you don’t even have to live in the same town. But you do need to be a present and continuing factor. You wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/husband may understand you no longer want to be part of their life, but a five year old just won’t get it. If you disappear overnight and just turn up when it suits you, the only way a child can interpret that is through self-blame. Maintaining a relationship with a small child when you are not with them every day is hard. It takes commitment and patience. Often it’s a one-way street. Children are not great at phone calls, or Face Time. They typically have something more interesting to do than answer the same old questions they’ve already faced from Mom when they got home from school. So you have to be present. Spend as much time with them as possible. Turn up to watch them play sport, go to dance recitals, see them in the school play. Make spending time with them the biggest priority in your life. They need you to do that. Take an interest in what’s going on. If you can’t physically be there, call, text, Skype, send a postcard, send little presents, do what ever you can to let them know you are thinking of them and they are the most important thing in your life. They need you to do that.
Often it’s a one-way street. Children are not great at phone calls, or Face Time. They typically have something more interesting to do than answer the same old questions they’ve already faced from Mom when they got home from school. So you have to be present.
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Your children need you to stop arguing.
You don’t get on with the person you once loved. Passions are running high, people are hurt and people are angry. But save that anger for time with your friends and/or therapist. Your children don’t need to see you that way. All you and your ex need to be concerned about is arrangements for the children. When you are seeing them, where you will go, what time you’ll bring them home. And don’t turn it into an argument. If you actually can’t say a civil word to each other, involve a family mediator, a good friend or another family member who can stay neutral. Children learn about relationships from the ones they see around them. If they see you arguing and hating and falling apart, that’s what they will take with them into their own grown up lives. Those arguments about what happened during the relationship are not yours to have now. You are not interested in each other’s lives, what he or she does or says is none of your business. The only thing you need to talk about with your ex is stuff to do with the kids.
Your children need you to co-parent.
Children are high maintenance projects. They have doctor appointments and dentist visits. There’s homework and school events, parent teacher meetings and more. Just because you have left the family home does not mean you opt out of all these things. Take responsibility for the shared care of your child. Your children will learn how to be a parent from the way that you manage the job now. Even if you are not physically present when these things happen, take an interest. Be concerned. Keep up to date. These things are important.
Your children need you to respect their other parent.
You might hate her (or him). You might think she is despicable. You might be hurting so much you can’t bear to think of your children still loving her. But they do. Children don’t stop loving someone when they go, or when they hurt them. That person is still important to them and for that reason, you need to show some respect. Don’t say bad things about your ex in front of your children. It hurts them. Keep your opinions to yourself, or if you have to, share them with your friends. You children don’t need to hear them.
Your children need you to be healthy.
The end of a relationship is awful. It hurts. It changes things. It changes you. But you need to work it out and heal yourself so that you can be the best parent you can be. It will take time and it will take help. You’ll need to think about things, talk about things and when you are ready, there are professionals who can help. Depression, loneliness, anger and social isolation can make being a single parent even harder than it already is. So get the help you need to take care of your mental health. Your children need you to be the happiest and healthiest you that you can be.
Children don’t stop loving someone when they go, or when they hurt them. That person is still important to them and for that reason, you need to show some respect. Don’t say bad things about your ex in front of your children. It hurts them.
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I speak these words through my own bitter experience. My ex-partner left the family home more than three years ago. He left one night without warning and it devastated three lives. Our sons were 5 and 11. They needed their Daddy but he wasn’t there for them. He hasn’t really been there since. He moved away and pulled down a shutter on the old life he had as part of a family. He sees them maybe three or four times a year, he calls them maybe three or four times a month. And it’s not enough. Now they are 8 and 14 and they still need him. But he’s not there. They need him, but he’s not there. He could be if he wanted to be, but he’s not there. It’s not that he’s trying to be mean, he just doesn’t really understand it. He doesn’t really understand their needs.
And so I’m sharing this because if it reaches just one person and helps them make a better decision about how to parent after a separation, then I have done some good today. If you are at the end of your tether with all the arguments and all the pain and you just want to walk away and start again somewhere new, please just think about your children. They don’t need you to live together as a happy family, but they do need you. They need you and it is your responsibility to love them, be present in their lives and to meet their needs. They need you. That’s all you need to know. You can leave your spouse, but you can’t leave your children. Please don’t leave your children.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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I’ve been married for 6 years. I have a 2 year old. I’m a piggy bank at this point. I come home from a 13 hour shift to amazon packages at the door, I step over them to log into my computer and work on my side business. My mortgage payment is late almost every month because i can’t afford it until that next paycheck hits. My wife sleeps about 12 hours a day, she’s gained about 80 pounds since having the kid. My physical needs and emotional needs are not taken care of, but she expects me to do… Read more »
If you are a man and you want to leave. Good luck getting to see your kids. The court system is against you and she will pull every trick in the book to eff you over.
this is ridiculous, this whole article is clickbait first off. Two, its assuming that the woman is some logical person who will gladly let you see your children, not constantly try to lie and extort you for every penny she can think of, w scams as far as fake abortions and so on for hundreds of dollars (yeah, i got punked out once).And it also assumes that she is able to even separate in the first place as an adult, and not threaten you with everything under the sun. Mine WONT EVEN LEAVE IN THE FIRST PLACE!! Now please note… Read more »
I do not feel any “Good Man Project” can be written by a woman, even if she has had good men around her. I cheated on my ex-wife and left one day but fought for the kids. At that moment, I felt horrible because it felt like my fault. But I had never loved her and even told her that before we got married. She insisted it was ok so I rolled with it. But soon after God answered my prayer and sent me someone beautiful. Now I know for certain than those kids are better off than they were… Read more »
You married someone you did not love, had children with her, cheated on her, left and removed children from thier own Mother…you sound like a terrific human being
So he should’ve just continued to support a women who doesn’t pull her wieght, or do her job?
What do you do when your kids are young, you couldn’t stand to live with your wife any longer and she WILL NOT encourage, facilitate or actively help you to have a good relationship with your children? She is trying to freeze me out, her and her family have possibly tried to get me sacked and she is demanding everything both in terms of the children and financially. She won’t work but expects me to, won’t tell me anything useful or timely about the children and spends thousands on solicitors to my hundreds…we’ve been separated over a year…
The best thing for men is to ignore the hormones & never get into relationships in the first place , separation , with children is a nightmare to deal with , I am setting the wheels in motion right now !!
This is the first time I have publicly posted anything like this, but I hate the woman I married. My situation is so complex though. She is from Germany, I am from NY. We met in NY, got married, had 2 kids and then moved to NC for cost of living & quality of life. We are both stranded here and know absolutely no one. If I leave her, she will take the kids from me back to Germany. How can I stay present in my kids’ lives like this. I am so in love with my baby girls, I… Read more »
This article title is wrong. For someone interested in HOW to leave their wife without leavening their kids, this article does not answer the question. It just paints a picture of what SHOULD be done if you separate and she keeps custody. That’s a no brainer.
I kept a detailed log of everything I did for and with the kids. I also kept detailed records of all the times she failed to be there for them, as well as incidents of poor parenting. When she asked me to move out, I told her no. I take care of the house and kids, and she was the one who wanted out of family responsibilities. I told her if she wanted to go then go, and be quick about it. And I told her that if she fought me for custody, I would crush her in court. I… Read more »
I’m about to leave the family home for my own sanity but I want to keep my beautiful daughter close by at all times but my wife (Joke of a statement) wants to move back to our home country and I have no desire to return to that place but I know I will lose my daughter for years if I don’t move. I’m marginalised with all the major decisions in our life, come to think of it all the small things as well. I’m no angel and do have a short fuse but never physically lash out. Do I… Read more »
you are not alone bro. hope it works out for you 🙂
“the same old questions they’ve already faced from Mom when they got home from school”
Why is it automatically the mom…. why can’t the dad keep the kids even & the mother visit even though she is the terrible parent?
Because the justice system is bullshit & people are ignorant, that’s why.
A child is not more it’s mother’s than it’s fathers…. yeah it came out of you… Guess where it came out of first????
Maybe because this is about the man leaving more in general?
i hear you are so very hurt, missing your children hurts, I’m noticing that you feel an injustice , there is a very unspoken physical, i would say spiritual, I’m find it difficult to explain when you given birth,breastfeed,ect. i don’t know i can only tell you from a mothers view I’ve stayed in a marriage and sacrificed my freedom for them (my 4 amazing babies although my eldest is 20 but youngest is 6)so they didn’t have to go though the pain of separation, i don’t know if it was the right thing nobodies happy we all walk on… Read more »
I also am with a girl who has BPD, personality disorder, depression… all diagnosed. I also go through regular abuse.. physical and mental, I can already see the effect it’s had on her kids from a previous relationship – they have no idea how to handle social situations, always arguing with each other and with other kids… I have a 2 year old with her, I am terrified of leaving him with her, but she just makes my life hell… the problem is that most people don’t see this side of her but for the occasional glimpse. I want to… Read more »
I could have been that guy, now I won’t be, thank you
I have been married for 16 years to a woman with BPD. We have 3 children together & I have been unhappy most of my marriage. I have been degraded, constantly belittled and made a fool out of in front of my kids, family & friend more times than I can remember. I am so exhausted and just want to pack my stuff and go. However I can not seem to leave my kids behind. I don’t want them to have to go through the mental games she plays,…the bad mouthing, the games and the undermining etc. We tried counseling… Read more »
Wow. I am in the almost exact predicament as Ollibolli. 42 years old. Literally just stormed out after an argument with my BPD wife. No, shes never been diagnosed, but according to my research she fits the description perfectly. She would never seek help on her own or thinks shes ever wrong, which is a symptom. She puts me down constantly and says embarrassing, horrible things to me in front of my 14 year old daughter. She has little self control and has worsened every year of our 24 years together. If i had known i never would have married… Read more »
I completely feel the same way. My wife is Chinese, 12 years younger than me…and my 3rd wife. I am 42, have 3 older children (20, 18, 18) and have a 17 month old with my current wife. She is so emotionally and verbally abusive to me, shouting and screaming when she doesn’t get what she wants like a 12 year old spoilt child. I feel she has BPD but due to her manner and culture will never admit or even seek help. I work and am doing a Masters in Psychology, she is mostly on her phone! It drives… Read more »
“I work and am doing a Masters in Psychology, she is mostly on her phone! It drives me nuts as she fails to notice things our son is doing, even potentially problematic things, meaning I have to take care of him mostly. I do all the cleaning, washing, cook for myself and my son as she is extremely self-involved, narcissistic and flits moods like a light switch. In the negative zone”
OMG I have never related to anyone more then I do to this
Sad, but at least I am not alone in this situation.
Sorry to resurrect an old thread but I’m on a dilemma myself at the moment. It’s a long story so I’ll keep it as short as I can. I’m 33, married for 9 years and have two sons aged 5 and 9. I have been very unhappy with our relationship for a couple of years now. My wife has been through a rough time since having my youngest son, she’s been in chronic pain for 5 years and had 5 operations to try and cure it. I’m her part time carer and I work from home to help out. My… Read more »
Hello mate im in a very similar situation not the pain but the constant moaning and aggressiveness towards myself from her my kids are 1 & 2 both boys, and if it was up to me i would take them there the only thing keeping me there living a hell, i love them woth everything i have and would put up with this forever to be around them but its not healthy for them growin up seein their parents at eachothers necks. Im just scared to make the leap and go because my heart is with my kids, im 30… Read more »
I understand man. I know it’s hard for us . I can’t stand the fact that my kids will just see me leave . I have been wanting out of my marriage for a couple years and the worst part is if I leave my 3 kids they will be alone in this city with no family it tears me apart but you are not alone
This is word for word what I was going to say about my life. It’s sad how much of a common occurrence this all is. I feel I’m too weak to leave my kids with this psycho Brazilian nutcase I married and had two kids with. And with absolutely NOBODY to talk to.
understand how you feel about the constant complaining about even the littlest things. you are not alone
I’m in the same boat as all of us and it feels like cutting my wrists. It’s been like this for over 10 years way before kids were born. But we have 3. 2 are just 1 year old. You can’t leave like tgat. Too soon. Need to wait 2-3 years. And the funny part? I actually stayed all those years suffering, knowing that in any case I csn never find someone I love. And a short episode (now gone terminated) just shocked me to realize I was just wrong all along. Turning 40 next year, it might already be… Read more »
Wish I could reach my woman and let her kno Your momma talkin 2 a married man but single ur sister only got a sugardaddy no man and Ive been here 7 years. Ive made mistakes Im human Y keep up bullshit and tension no contact and hold my kids 4 ransom in front of me. And expect me to continue to be monogamous. Or want to be around even though I wanna see, play, feed, bath, love my blessings
sorry to hear that man. wish i knew all this before i got married.
Thank you Limpet Girl! I realise this is an old thread but,sadly, the theme will always be current. I too am agonising about how to minimise the impact on my boy (nearly 3) in the plan for leaving the woman I really just don’t like any more. As others have said, the “easy” route is to convince yourself to stick it out “for the sake of the kids”. But of course your being so miserable every day for months and years is hardly good for them! Posts like yours are helping me to find the strength, and the right way,… Read more »
Thanks Reg. The good news is that once you and your ex-partner get settled in your new separate lives routine you little boy won’t every remember a time Mummy and Daddy lived together. He’ll just know Monday – with Dad, Tuesday with Mum kind of thing. Make sure you are there at school meetings and doctors appointments and support that lady as much as you possibly can, because she will be looking after your boy when you aren’t and you want her to be as happy as possible. Good luck.
I am in a similar boat. The only reason I’m still with my wife is because of the fear I have of the fallout for my kids, 3 years and 1 year olds. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I resign to the idea that I’ll just stick it out and try to focus on the kids and life. But realistically I know that’s a foolish thought. I know I can’t be with my wife. And I don’t hate her. But I don’t particularly love her or even like her. But I love the kids. And want to forever… Read more »
Sam, you aren’t alone. I’m in the same boat, with a 2 year old. This may or may not help, but I have begun planning how to best end the relationship with my wife, and how to best live near to her so our child can be near us both. My wife is not overly spiteful, but like you I just don’t love her, even like her. This will inevitably cause short term pain, but I do hope that both of us can teach our daughter how to be in a good relationship (I hope that we both end up… Read more »
I’m in the exact same boat as you Al. I love my daughter more than anything in this world, but I’m not happy, ever. With my wife, I was enlisted at the time and I honestly believe I was more lonely and infatuated then truly in love. Im terrified of taking the first step into divorce, and have no idea how to start the process. I came from a similar situation where my parents split up while I was young, and it hasn’t affected me or my life at all. I just pray it doesn’t happen for my two year… Read more »
Thank you so much for this post, as a father i can tell you I’m sorry to hear that your Ex- doesn’t take responsibilities in your kids life, hopefully he wakes up and realize one day what he got before these kids become men. Something that caught my attention ” Children don’t stop loving someone when they go, or when they hurt them. That person is still important to them and for that reason, you need to show some respect. Don’t say bad things about your ex in front of your children. It hurts them. – ” my wife soon… Read more »
Good luck, Manny. It’s hard, but as long as your children are your priority, co-parenting can work for separated parents.
Thanks Limpet girl, that really does help, as a Dad struggling with what is likely to be the fallout I have agonised for so long on how to manage the kids especially my son who already suffers from very bad anxiety issues, my daughter is very strong and tells me I should get divorced ! what a heartache I never thought life would end up like this.
Hi Gerard, it’s been a while since you posted this so I hope things have moved in the direction you wanted them too. It’s horrid when you end up living a life you don’t recognise, I know that feeling too well! Remember, the easiest way from A to B is to accept A. Good luck and much virtual love over the interweb.
Hi Sally, thanks for your comments. You are right about many things, especially the inheriting of behaviour. But I can assure you this is not a plea to my ex, subtle or otherwise. We have all accepted our current situation for what it is. What you are hearing is a plea to the people who are about to leave, walk out, divorce or whatever. Fine, the relationship between the adults has ended, but please don’t end the relationship with your children. I did talk to my children about choices, and that it was Daddy’s choice to leave, but I’m not… Read more »
Reading this post makes me feel somewhat better. I’m not concerned about not being in my children’s life because I will do everything in my willpower to be there. What my main concern is, I think my wife is going to do everything in her power to make it impossible for me to try and do that. My wife can be very spiteful. She has proven this in the past with me. To be honest, I’m scared. I don’t want my kids to feel “left”. I myself am from a broken home and I never felt like it was my… Read more »
Good luck, Vincent. I’m sending you love and peace and hope for the serenity to act in the best interests of your children.
Hi Vincent, I can hear and see my husband in your tone and agitation. I wish i could ask my husband what more could i do to make him appreciate me, love me, cuddle me, laugh with me.
But your bottom line is my answer,,,,,,, i just dont love her anymore.
yea, the children deserve good parents. Maybe there should be a marriage license process just like a driver’s license. Anybody can put the key in the ignition and turn it but not everyone knows how to operate a vehicle (safely). Wish i had learned more about this in school or something.
Dear Limpet Girl, There is so much pleading with your spouse for the sake of the children that I am hearing. All those choices of your Ex were his choices. Call a Spade a Spade. Don’t sugarcoat it for your kids. Don’t bash their father but do point out that Daddy is not that strong;it’s hard for him to be strong. I am sure Daddy inherited that behavior from his own parents. My point is, break the chain, break the pattern of expecting someone who is incapable of showing up in the way you want them to, to show up.… Read more »
I wouldn’t think it fair to pass such harsh judgement on your child’s other parent unless he/her were there to defend his/herself. Not fair to the parent OR the child. I see a certain chain that should be examined.