What’s it like to be a boy raised by two women? Vikki Reich shares the perspective given to her during a dinnertime conversation.
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What is it like to be a boy raised by two women? It’s not a question I think about often and one I’ve only asked my son a few times. He has said that boys and girls, men and women are different–a fact in his mind and one he attributes to brain chemistry even though he’s never read anything about it. He is a constant blur of motion and yet he is such an astute observer that I would believe his declaration even without the scientific evidence to support it. But he has also said that he does not know what a father could provide for him that we don’t and I believe him when he says that too because he has never been one to spare our feelings. My guess is that his experience of being raised by two women is a mix of thoughts and feelings, a blend of contentment with the life he knows and curiosity about the experiences of families unlike his.
A few weeks ago, we were all getting ready for dinner, moving around each other as we set the table and brought the food in from the kitchen. Sometimes, I feel the magic of family in those simple moments of good natured bickering and the sound of plates meeting the table and the clinking of silverware and that night, I felt that, the perfection of imperfect family.
Right before we sat down to eat, Miguel said, “I have a topic for conversation tonight,” and we nodded and hummed and he continued, “I want to talk about reverse sexism.” I burst into laughter and Luisa smiled and said, “Well, first of all, there is no such thing as reverse sexism…”
He explained that a girl at school had come up to him and said, “I would never date you because you are too short.” He had not asked her out or had any interaction with her that prompted this statement and he was annoyed. She went on to say that girls like big guys who can protect them.
As his mother, I was offended on his behalf because he is cute and smart and funny and also has a black belt in martial arts. As a woman, I wanted to sit that girl down and have a long talk with her about stereotypes of both men and women. Both Luisa and I said as much but he insisted the incident with this girl was evidence of reverse sexism because she was judging him based solely on his appearance.
In the 45 minute conversation that followed, we talked about gender stereotypes, violence against women, rape culture and explained in detail systemic sexism and racism and why there is no such thing as the reverse. We talked about biases and how they hurt us all and he hung in there arguing with us, even making a strong case for using the label of humanist rather than feminist. Our daughter listened and added a few thoughts but eventually excused herself because she doesn’t have the stamina for arguments that our son does.
As the conversation wound down, he brought it back to the girl who’d commented on his height, “Why is it acceptable for a girl to comment on my body and unacceptable for me to comment on hers?” And we explained that it isn’t but it’s also complicated. He held up his hands and said, “You are both women and our perspectives are different.”
That is the essential truth here, the answer to the question of what’s it like to be raised by two women. I knew in that moment that the conversation was unique to our family or families like ours. He was outnumbered. Our view of the world is connected to our experience as women and his is connected to his experience as a boy. As parents, we want him to have a greater understanding of the world he lives in and to think critically about our culture. And I believe he does and his willingness to argue with us and grapple with these issues expands our understanding as much as it does his. Our perspectives are different–will always be different–my greatest hope is that we are all better for it.
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This article originally appeared on VillageQ and was written by Vikki Reich. Vikki writes about the intersection of contemporary lesbian life, parenthood and pop culture at her personal blog Up Popped A Fox. She is the co-director of Listen To Your Mother Twin Cities. In 2013, she completed the Foreword Writing Apprenticeship in Creative Nonfiction at the Loft Literary Center in Minneapolis and is a 2013 recipient of the Beyond the Pure Fellowship for writers. She lives in Minneapolis with her partner and two kids and, in the real world, she never speaks of herself in the third person.
Photo courtesy of the author.
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Of course the mod squad enters left …
We did talk about violence against men, however, that violence is not a result of sexism as is the case in much violence against women. Sexism isn’t “directed against men.” Sexism is an institutionalized bias against women. There may be bias against men but it does not have a system of oppression behind it.
Do you realize that you just minimized men on a so called “men’s site?” Here are just a few off the top: – women’s night in bars – women only health clubs – women only clubs in general – women studies in schools – required selective service sign up for males only for men only – battered shelter for women and children but virtually nothing for men – disparity in criminal sentencing – men are expected to do heavy lifting in the work place – women and children first – no center for “men” with breast cancer (they have to… Read more »
I would like to reply to Tom’s comment to agree with what he says but the mods keep deleting every attempt I make to comment – so much for freedom of speech huh!
They have my email address – a little explanation would be nice.
Ratty, Did you get a response?
I hope you also spoke about violence against men and the sexism that is often directed towards men – BECAUSE IT DARN WELL EXISTS!!