Trevor Ellestad learned how to find peace in the midst of life’s jagged pieces. Here’s how.
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My first lesson in true forgiveness came at the cost of my favorite teacup. There on the kitchen floor, shattered and scattered, disparate and dissolved, was my Higher Power’s greatest gift –nothing. No anger, no pain, no frustration, no sense of loss or guilt could be found.
Just this one simple thought remained: I should immediately stop washing the dishes and begin disposing of the jagged bits of pottery below me.
But I just stood there pondering how strange it was that I felt nothing, because I had only my memories to compare this situation to—only the many times I had broken something special to me and been enraged. I had so many questions: where is the deep sense of remorse and loss I should be feeling right now? That mug was special, right? That cup had a purpose, didn’t it? But there were no answers. I had clearly made a choice to react differently in this situation and this choice came surprisingly quickly, and most importantly, it came unconsciously.
Little did I know at the time but this simple act of forgiveness would begin a chain of events that would define the type of spiritual solution that I had been seeking all my life. It was the first step in many that would eventually lead me to A Course in Miracles and a complete redefining of what it meant to live in this world.
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For years, I’d been looking for the power to manipulate the darkness in my mind; I desperately wanted a way to cease the deep depression and anxiety that plagued me, but I felt as though I had tried everything. Like so many of us, I just wanted to retain my grip on the light. I knew it had been possible for others, I just always assumed that, for me, this relief would come from an outside power. Believing I was an effect of this world, a victim, I thought my relief could only come from a change of fate or a divine intervention.
Each second of this life is a choice between pain and peace.
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Standing above years of false assumptions and shattered pottery, I let it sink in that I was being exposed to a new truth. If I could choose to have an absent reaction to a broken cup, surely I could have a similar reaction to the bigger things too. From that day forward, I would return in my mind to this kitchen contemplation, when I was so precariously poised on the edge of walking on broken glass and becoming a more peaceful human being. Even more miraculous, was that when I genuinely practiced this form of peace and forgiveness, the severity of any one event over another was dampened. Broken china or a broken heart, power to choose between pain and forgiveness remained.
We are taught to believe that seething anger is justified, that revenge is deserved and that our passion and drive is a determinant of our level of success. Perhaps it is to some degree, but only because we have defined it to be so. We think that we can think ourselves out of anything, without stopping to think that we might have nowhere to think ourselves out of in the first place. We are searching for peace and meaning in the “big moments,” the milestones. The marriages, graduations, births and deaths, our only signifier that time is moving forward and that we are apparently moving towards something better. But what if we are wrong? What if underneath all the cognitive pain we are trying to escape from is the peace that many of us are seeking? Is it so malignant to believe that we might already be in heaven?
Each second of this life is a choice between pain and peace. Each moment that we perceive the world around us, we are offered a simple elementary true or false question. Simple perhaps, far too simple for some, but yet it remains: every moment in this seeming reality, we have power over one thing—our perception.
So next time you feel as though you are at the hands of a world that wants to punish you or that you are at the effect of someone else’s actions, ask yourself what it would be like in that moment to choose love instead of fear, anxiety, anger or sadness. Ask yourself, can I access a place of peace and inner guidance instead of being at the whim of the emotions I think define me? Is it possible for peace to innately belong to me instead of believing it can only exist in an unattainable place outside of myself and far away?
And just keep practicing. Because I assure you, it only gets easier. Life will start to get a little lighter every day, or at the very least… a lot less dark. You just might have to buy yourself a new teacup every once in a while.
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Photo: Flicker/Leo Leung
“….every moment in this seeming reality, we have power over one thing—our perception.” Words to live by. So true. Already shared this today. Thanks.
I envy the position you seem to have found yourself in. I’d love to pick your brain about the details of your journey, I bet it is a good tale, one ongoing too. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and heart with me and all.
Thanks for these words. There is something deeply theological about this as well. As a Lutheran pastor, much of my ministry is devoted to showing people God’s forgiveness. I wonder if we can only see how that plays out if we are able to forgive ourselves, or rather, see that we are good enough to be forgiven by God without jumping through hoops of our own construction. In my congregation, I see a lot of anger by an older generation as the world around them starts to change; they feel like they are loosing control. I wonder what it would… Read more »
Exquisite♥ Thank you.
This. Definitely This. “We think that we can think ourselves out of anything” I know that this way of thinking is at the root of many of my problems. Thinking your way out usually only leads to more pain and anxiety. Choosing your way out, as you say, is definitely better. Choosing to cultivate practices which give you peace instead of choosing the conventional responses of anger and resentment. Choosing love instead of choosing fear. This sort of reminds me of one of Alexandra Franzen’s articles on fear choices vs. love choices ( http://www.alexandrafranzen.com/2013/12/03/fear-choice-vs-love-choice/ ) though her article relates more… Read more »
Just beautiful! I felt a deep sense of inner peace & joy reading it! It is remarkable when you notice how different you react/respond and how that then causes the next moment (either with more pain or peace). We DO have a choice! Wow! Lol Great article!
Thanks Tracey!
That’s the key isn’t it: choice. I kept waiting for some Higher Power or outside solution to make the choice for me. Once we realize just how much power we have, we are truly free. Much love!
Beautiful and honest as always. I love the message that we are the Master of ourselves. The Master of our decisions, thoughts, feelings, interpretations… React or observe? Easier said than done, of course, but once you cross that hurdle you’re very powerful.
Thanks Christof!
It is certainly easier said than done! At many times while growing I have given up on this path and been lucky enough to find my way back to it again. I used to always look for the quick fix, but all the while I was getting one step further down the long road to forgiveness. Thanks for your wonderful comments 🙂