The importance of safety and support for gender non-conforming children cannot be over-stated.
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(Trigger warning: suicide, homophobia, transphobia)
I grew up taking on bullies who slammed me against walls and strangers who told me I was in the wrong bathroom. I was called a fag before I even knew what a fag was.
Boys can’t have long hair. That’s the message that I got, over and over again. That’s the gender box I fiercely refused to step inside, the reason I cried myself to sleep when I was eleven years old. I didn’t match the traditional ‘boy’ image, and I fought for every day for it.
So I’m writing this for the boys who play with dolls, who wear lipstick or love dancing, for the boys who have dresses or vaginas. I’m writing this for the boys who are fighting and the boys who have lost.
For Damien Strum. For Ash Haffner. For the others.
Gender is king
We live in a society in which your gender is perceived to be one of the most defining characteristics of who you are. Children are placed within a gender binary before they’re even born; then we colour them pink or blue, immerse them in gender-based marketing and often assume that’s all there is to it.
Those that don’t fit comfortably in one gender binary are made to feel uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s intentional, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s explicit, sometimes it’s not.
It always hurts.
“In spite of our best intentions, we may be harming our children by consciously or unconsciously pressuring them to fit into a ‘gender box.’” — Laurin Mayeno
I’m saying this because I was that uncomfortable child. I remember clearly being thirteen years old, writing my first high school exam. I put up my hand to be allowed to pee. A teacher accompanied me down the hall make sure I didn’t cheat. “Hey, watch out,” he said, “that’s the wrong bathroom.”
I wish I could tell you that I glared at him, or slammed the door, or gave him a lesson about gender identity and presentation. I didn’t. My heart sank and I whispered, “I’m a boy.” I went inside and leaned against the wall, breathing as quietly as I could. I nearly failed the exam.
It’s time for a revolution
As a cisgender boy, I gradually began to respond to being misgendered with anger and indignation, rather than uncertainty or despair. I never faced gender policing, harassment, and violence in the same way that it is experienced by trans people. Whenever I was asked if I was a boy or a girl, I had an easy answer.
We need to stop viewing gender as a binary, because some young people don’t have those easy answers, and they deserve to feel safe and confident in themselves and the people around them. No matter what.
“Gender to me is an integral part of our humanity. Gender belongs to the individual, not to the institutions. It isn’t for the doctors to impose. It isn’t something for your school or your family or your community to determine. It’s yours.” — Tiq Milan, After Leelah Alcorn’s Death
Gender is a spectrum. It’s not black and white. There is no ‘opposite’ gender; the binary concept fails to capture the rich variation that exists within gender identity.
A recent study has shown that transgender kids are just as certain of their identities as cisgender kids are. That means that gender is innate and deeply felt, and — to echo trans activist Alok Vaid-Menon — that means that gender is sometimes a form of resistance. Resistance against physical assault, discrimination and isolation.
Every single young person who is fighting to define themselves — trans kids, queer kids, gender fluid kids — need to be protected. They need to belong.
“I need to know that I am loved and accepted and believed in, and that life has a point and I will find it someday. That’s just getting harder and harder to believe.” — A gender-expansive youth documented by Human Rights Campaign
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I joined the cheerleading team when I was nine, I dressed up as a princess for Hallowe’en when I was twelve, and I took every bruise and insult that came with it. But I was lucky. To fit society’s gender-normative anatomy, to have parents that loved and supported me. I was safe.
LGBTQ youth need more than hashtags and social media solidarity. So after a decade of resisting gender-based bullying, I’m cutting my hair and raising as much money as I can to donate to The Trevor Project.
It’s not enough, but it’s a start.
Please donate to my fundraising page for The Trevor Project here: igg.me/at/protect-gender-expansive-youth
Originally published at medium.com.
Top image courtesy of the author.
You are a brave dude to pretty much have gone your path on your own. The forces, silly as they are are strong against you, yet God must have known you had the inner core of sprit syrenght to carry that plan forward. Well done. I believe we’ve made too much of gender as a separate issue than sex and sexuality. Gender for the most part is social construct. Long hair, makeup etc is a girl. most is bullshit and really everyone knows it but aren’t willing to buck it because of this wall out there. this does not mean… Read more »