Carlo Alcos is tired of not being comfortable in his own skin, and wants us all to not be ashamed of our body parts.
[Preface: I will not be apologetic for what I am about to write, regardless of how uncomfortable it may make you feel, particularly those who know me personally. This is not about you. This is about me and about anyone who feels the same way as me. I am doing this for two reasons. They are:
1. I am tired of not being comfortable in my own skin. Our culture has taught me that I need to be like this and be like that in order to be liked, loved, desired, respected.
2. I want everyone, men and women alike, to not feel ashamed about any part of their body. We all deserve that. I am willing to take a little heat, willing to make people uncomfortable, if this helps to achieve that.]
Originally posted on Confronting Love.
I have a new hero. His name is Lawrence Barraclough. You’ve probably never heard of him, but he has a very small penis. He’s not my hero because he has a small penis. He’s my hero because he accepts his body and because he’s brave enough to come out and talk about it. You could say he has huge balls.
Recently, while laying in bed with my partner, I brought something up that I’ve never brought up with anyone else in my life. I explained to her the insecurities I’ve dealt with because of my own perceptions of my penis. The reason I felt I could do this is because she has been the only one who I’ve felt 100% comfortable being naked around. She makes it clear to me that she loves every inch of my body, which in turn makes me more accepting of it.
A few nights later we watched the documentary “My Penis and Everyone Else’s” by Lawrence Barraclough (at the bottom of this post). She’d seen it before but thought it was important for me to watch it. It was. We spend a lot of time and energy keeping parts of our bodies hidden from the public. You’ll see someone violently murdering or raping another person regularly on TV and in movies. You’ll rarely see a penis. What message does this send? Why are we made to feel ashamed of what is completely, 100%, natural? How much of a variety of penises and vaginas have you seen in your life?
I’m not convinced that women know how insecure it makes men when all we hear is “size matters.” What’s not taken into account, though, is how two people fit together. This blanket statement is generally perceived to mean “the bigger the better.”
Possibly the loudest voice to this notion is the pornography industry. Porn represents a massively skewed vision of what bodies are (and what many people believe they’re “supposed to be”). For example, there’s an idea of a “perfect” vagina; it’s common for women of porn to have cosmetic surgery called labiaplasty to conform to this. And in no way do the men of porn represent the average male. That’s exactly why they’re picked (not to mention the surgical options available for penis enlargement).
So how is it that anyone can look at this industry to set the standard of what is beautiful? If you knew the true diversity of genitals out there, might you feel better about your own set, knowing that, as a human being, you’re just normal? That you’re unique, and this is the way it’s supposed to be?
The media (surprise, surprise) perpetuates this as well by choosing to show clips of female characters comparing their boyfriends’ genitals or ridiculing men who are less than well-endowed. The word is out there: Bigger is better. And it’s all men hear. All. The. Time. This is then hammered home within our social circles, because everyone else is informed by mass media as well. It’s a pretty vicious cycle.
I’ve lived with this insecurity my whole life, and I’m pretty fucking tired of it. On the one side, I’ve been insecure with women because I’ve been scared of what they would think when it came to business time. I’ve been insecure with men — showering at the gym, using a public urinal — because of the competitiveness factor. This insecurity is a hole that bores deep down into self-esteem, potentially affecting relationships and, in general, has been a barrier to loving myself for who and what I am.
I’ve never measured my penis. Truthfully, I’ve been too scared to do it. I’ve never wanted to know, scared to confirm that yes, indeed, I am short of average. I’ve come to partial peace with this due to the fact that, at 5’6”, I’m also under average height. It’s all relative, isn’t it? But that’s actually besides the point. It’s just a story I’ve told myself to feel better. In reality, it doesn’t even matter. We have what we are born with. Period.
This discussion needs to be had. As a culture we need to learn to celebrate what we’ve been given and not want anything else. Part of that is going to include changing what we see in the mainstream. Let’s see vaginas and penises on the television and in movies. And not just “perfect” ones. All sorts of different ones, because each one is unique and unlike any other, and all are beautiful. As a part of nature, how can they not be?
Let’s choose to feel better about our bodies. Let’s learn to accept them for what they are. The root of the issue is in the mind, not in the physical body. If you had a beater of a car that barely chugged along, would you get a paint job to feel better about it? Or would you rather fix what’s under the hood so that it ran reliably?
My Penis and Everyone Else’s from Lawrence Barraclough on Vimeo.
Feature photo: Richard Carter
About Carlo Alcos
As much as I would love to cheerfully applaud this post as a sort of coming out for the “small” man the truth is that it’s a losing battle. I checked up on the author’s blog and the last post by a woman who had her own blog was something along the lines of “Why can’t we just accept other people’s preferences and appreciate unique tastes?” She had made a post detailing her dissatisfaction (in agreement with her friend and the subsequent posters) with small penises and how it was a deal breaker. Although she changed the tone of her post on Alcos blog her point basically remained the same: She and her friend laughed at small ones and *needed* big ones for satisfaction. There was unison agreement in the comments.
This is a men’s blog and so the comments here will be tailored to men’s tastes. The point is that even feminists who disagree with body exploitation and support universal concepts of love and appreciation will not hesitate to list their sexual preferences and factor in whatever they wish. THis is not to say that they shouldn’t, but this is to say that body image issues can’t be de-socialized.
The problem with small is that it indicates weakness, lack of performance, lack of sensation and pleasure. A small man can’t do what a big man can. There is almost always some woman who will declare that “too big” doesn’t work – but that really doesn’t matter.
Penises are not breasts – it’s not about preference, it’s about deal breaking. Small breasts can be managed but small penises can’t. This is a message shared by attractive women, feminists, scientists, and just about everybody else.
@Bob Dole: “She and her friend laughed at small ones and *needed* big ones for satisfaction”
I don’t think the author deny this. I think his point is “Not every woman want a big penis”.
He’s against the media claim that “Big is ALWAYS better”. Of course is not, because different people have different tastes.
Hence, I think the wise stance can be “Small is ok, but for some people is not good enough”.
Of course that’s not PC and can be hurting, but OTOH everybody will always be “not enough” for somebody else (in other words, “You can’t make everybody happy”).
@Bob Dole: “Small breasts can be managed but small penises can’t.”
I can’t get what you mean.
Do you mean you can surgically enlarge small breasts?
To me that’s not a solution. I love big breasts, but I’m more comfortable with small breasts than with “fake tits”.
OTOH, I loved women with small breasts, but I always felt something missing with them. It’s not the same thing as being “filled” by a big penis for a woman, sure, but it’s a physical sensation of “lacking” nevertheless.
Again this doesn’t sound PC, but… you know, “The heart wants what the heart wants”.
As the old Romans said, “De gustibus non disputandum est.” (tastes are not object of debate)
Bob Dole (if that is your real name)…as much as Valter and I have disagreed on things in this comment thread, he’s absolutely right. This post is about body acceptance. The battle isn’t really about “what do women REALLY want?” so it’s not a battle to be won or lost. The battle that needs to be won is within each man himself, internally (same goes for women). So in that way, no, it’s not a losing battle. It’s a battle that each of us must win, because otherwise we will remain unhappy. This post is really about me, as selfish as that sounds; it’s my own process, it’s how I move forward in life, by learning to accept my body. Making it public is part of that process, and it’s my hope that by doing that I can also help other men and women in accepting their own bodies.
I’m not sure why there are arguments made here; is there anyone who disagrees that we should be happy with what we have? Doesn’t everyone want that for each other?
If accepting your body means accepting that you are less than good enough then that’s fine, I suppose.
When you meet that woman who prefers small, let me know, she’d be the first.
Who defines what’s “good enough”? And why should anyone else listen to those who make that definition? And what is it that’s in you where you want other people to feel less than “good enough”?
I have a partner who loves my body. Every inch of it. What more could I ask for?
You’re all missing the point. Sure, there will always be those girls that are size-queens. And then there are also women out there that can’t get off as well with a penis as they can with fingers (or toys) for some reason or another. Everyone’s different.
Including women. Preferred dick size is different for every one of them. I’ve read posts by women claiming that over-sized dicks sometimes result in painful sex rather than pleasure. =/
Also, there are a myriad of ways to have sex. The author’s right, I don’t see why someone with a small penis is seen as ‘inadequate’. If anything, there’s opportunity for creativity.
This is very true. Size preference is different for everyone. And in reality most women can’t get off on vaginal intercourse alone, so well size isn’t the problem. Clitoral stimulation is. My last boyfriend couldn’t get me off even though he was well sized. I had to tell him yeah for all your size your not going to get me off, this is what needs to be done. *Sigh* Not that he listened to me.
I thought that somewhere between 5 and 6 inches was about average size. I think my boyfriend’s is somewhere around there. I don’t think my vagina is much deeper than that, so I don’t see why longer would be better. In the past I believe I’ve suffered from involuntary muscular contractions (preventing me from inserting anything into my vagina). I had to use a dilator to be able to have vaginal sex in the first place and even now I think I’m probably a bit on the petite side. I don’t really get the cultural interest in penis size; I only have vaginal sensation two or three inches in around the G-spot area. Also, given my past difficulty of inserting anything, pictures of really large penises just make me think, “That would probably hurt…”
I had a very well endowed boyfriend once, and sex with him was unpleasant. It was painful, even with a ton of lube. We couldn’t have sex doggy style at all because it hurt my cervix. So, basically every time we had sex, I just prayed for him to come as quickly as possible and get it over with. I started to avoid having sex with him and making excuses. The other problem was that he was so proud of his large penis that he thought I should get an orgasm just by looking at him. He was a crappy lover. Our relationship did not last long.
My current boyfriend is solidly within the bell curve, somewhere between 5-6 inches erect and I’m really completely happy with him.