14 tricks to dealing with raising kids on your own, from someone who’s been there, done that.
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#1 Go for a run instead of resenting your ex.
Resentment is a huge waste of time. You’d be far better off channeling that into boxing or baking a mean pie and letting your kids take it over to your ex’s house. And if it’s deep, true anger and resentment that you find yourself ruminating on, see a therapist. Truly. That stuff is like slow poison in the water.
#2 Pretend you are running a farm or ship.
Don’t let the work of life surprise you or annoy you. You have to milk the cow and gather the eggs and keep scurvy at bay and plow the fields and shoe the horses and get the floors scrubbed and fight off the pirates. Dishes again? Laundry every morning and night? Trail of mud from the back yard to the bathroom? Yes! Just do it, don’t get pissed off about it.
#3 Wash everything/body all at once.
In the summer (or always, in Tucson) have the kids wash the car because they will love the suds when they are little and you can hose them off after and skip the bath. Going to the pool? Throw the kids in the shower there with a bottle of shampoo. The bigger point here is, don’t care so much every day about who or what is clean. My car has had a graham cracker crust since 2000 and I plan to keep it that way for the sake of nostalgia.
#4 Which brings me to, skip the bath.
Not every night, of course, but daily baths aren’t all that important. If your ex complains, explain that you are working on the children’s biome.
#5 Play tag in the yard or at the park, and run races against each other.
Take a phone-free walk with kids and dogs every day, even if you are exhausted. This is exercise and bonding time in the same moment. And while you’re at it, practice gratitude with your kids. Talk about how lucky you are to have each other, and your good house or apartment, and your super cool neighborhood. Physical play with your kids keeps you connected, and keeps the muffin top on the actual muffins.
#6 Buy your kids aprons and tool bags and work gloves and tiny spades.
Use them regularly, and make a big deal about it — how awesome and responsible and helpful they are. And then, have them actually do chores. It will initially take longer but pay off enormously in the end (if you don’t do this you will understand what I mean when your teenager cries at the sight of a dish with egg yolk on it.) Don’t be the only farmer on the farm — you can’t do it all alone.
#7 Take wine to the neighbors.
Or beer or kambucha or homemade brownies (from a box because you are VERY short on time). And be friends with them. Be a good neighbor who trims your tree that dirties their lawn. Because it makes for nicer living. And because, someday, your miniature dachshund might run into a cholla cactus at 10 p.m. and your four year old might be really sick with strep throat at the same time, and it would make a big difference if the neighbor who was also your good friend would come over to your house for an hour while you ran your dog to the emergency vet that cost you seven hundred eleven dollars and 89 cents.
#8 That being said, don’t try to keep up with the neighbors.
The neighbors are married and have an inheritance they have invested in Swiss bank accounts. The neighbors have a cleaning lady and a yard guy and a nanny. The neighbors go on date night and get to take turns going to yoga. Whatever. Married or single or neither, great people that they are, don’t keep up with them. You be you. If your roof isn’t clean and your snow is dirty and your mailbox falls off every time the postal carrier breathes on it, oh well (eventually the postal carrier might just nail it on himself). At least the car and the kids were soaped off last Tuesday.
#9 Which is a good reminder to not keep up with the single Joneses.
Another single parent is on the PTA and built the set of the play and writes a blog and is the soccer coach? Whatever! He is sponsored by the divorce attorneys! And they are giving him Ritalin or meth. Either way, you are a beautiful zebra and it is your own, totally unique stripes and children with unbrushed hair eating ramen out of the bag for snack that makes you a zebra. I repeat, you be you.
#10 Forget about dinner.
Well, not completely. Please do feed your children dinner. But give yourself a break sometimes. Toast is way underrated and you can put tuna or pizza sauce and cheese on it and call it a melt or a special pizza. In fact, in my house you can put cheese on anything and call it “cheesey pleaser” and the kids will eat it. Don’t feel bad throwing everything from your fridge into a wok and calling it “casserole deconstructed.”
#11 The car is an emotion machine.
Use it! Things too tense in the house? Cranky kids? Needing naps? Take your kids for a spin with the music up and the windows down and sing really loudly to Abba. A change of scenery can make all the difference. If you drive long enough, and sing a little more quietly, and they will fall asleep.
#12 Lock yourself in.
We are all a little bit on the verge of a nervous breakdown at least once a week. Locks were invented for a reason — use them! Lock yourself in to your bathroom, closet, bedroom, car with the music turned up and take 15 minutes if it will save you from losing it with your kids. If it doesn’t work and you know you’re going to lose it anyway, invite the neighbor over, forget an ingredient, and a quick run alone to the store will do the trick.
#13 Vent.
To a friend. Even if you don’t have kid-free time. Have a friend over for coffee or beer or a BBQ. Nobody cares if your floors are covered in mud. Laugh and vent and listen and share. This will keep you from EVER using your kids to vent, which is so toxic and if it’s about their other parent I want to shoot you with my glue gun. Never excuse bad-mouthing your ex to your child. If you slip up, slap yourself in the face in private, then apologize to your child — say that you made a mistake and you will try to not do it again.
#14 Pretend this is exactly the life you wanted.
On some days, even if it’s not true, gather your kids in your arms after you have chased them or wrestled or made a giant cinnamon roll, and thank any almighty or tiny power that gave you this great life in which you get to be with your kids at all. What an amazing gift, right? Whether you chose single parenting or not, you and them create a family: own it, love it, celebrate it.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
I loved this !!! So funny and true !