Peter Kobs tells the story of what his son’s autism has taught him about leadership (and himself).
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Early on in my career I was reluctant to share my personal life and values at work.I was laser focused on two things – (a) being successful in my role as a way to (b) advance my career.
It is not that I was not pleasant or interested in others, but for the most part I kept my life outside of work—outside of work.
Fourteen years ago, my wife and I were blessed with our second child, Danny. About 6 months into his life we realized that he was not progressing in the same way that his older brother, Peter, had done.
We went through rounds of medical evaluations, tests and specialists and by the time he was 18 months old we were left with a singular medical opinion: Autism.
After some struggles to make sense of this and get a plan together, we looked for a place for early intervention for Dan. We came into contact with some great organizations whose goal it is to help autistic children reach their full potential.
From that moment to today, our friends, caregivers and family have all rallied around Danny. There has never been an ask too big or small. As a result, our family has became very active in Autism related causes and charities, raising money in our son’s name.
All of this was something done outside of work and not something I was apt to discuss there. At the time, I was a frontline manager of people and did not think it was appropriate to talk about these events at work. Why? Because of the perceived obligations I felt these activities would potentially force on those that worked for me. I did not want anyone to feel obligated or pressured. More importantly, I did not know how to start the conversation.
However, my attitude changed one night at a team Christmas dinner I was hosting.
We all have that one rep who works for us, the one that has no trouble saying whatever comes to her mind at any time. The one rep who is a ridiculously talented top performer and is the type of rugged individualist that you love with customers because she moves them in ways that are pure magic. But, also the one the will turn a business review or QBR upside down by sidetracking conversations because, well, she can.
That Christmas party night was my night for her unbridled honesty and questions to unleash on me. Call it her “Manager Coaching.”
She kept digging to understand why I did not talk about Dan and our charity work in more detail and why I never included the team or our customers in the invites.
I struggled to answer her honestly, even though I was not even believing myself what I was telling her.
The best answer I was able to come up with was that I did not want people at work to be uncomfortable or pressured. Luckily for me, it was unsolicited advice night and she had plenty of it and help from the holiday “cheer” she was drinking.
“You know what?”, she said, “Screw them. This is important and you need to start talking about it and invite people in.”
She also told me about a charitable project that she and her whole family ran annually during the holidays for a neighborhood school. Their family goal was simple: give gifts to kids so they can have a good holiday.
A few months after this discussion, I took a leadership training class from Stan Slap called Bury My Heart at Conference Room B. The point of the training is to help you become a leader by identifying and living your values to their fullest extent at work. (No, this is not a shameless commercial for Stan; I got a lot out of the class and really love the book. I still use it today and this was years ago. If you are interested in being a great leader, read this book and apply the lessons presented. If you do, I have no doubt they will be as personally transformative for you as they were for me.)
After that experience at the Christmas party and the leadership course, I started including my team in our family events.
Not everyone participated, but most people did. What I found was that each of us has a cause that is important to us for personal reasons. As a team, we all started to support each other’s causes.
As a result, our team culture changed from what was it like before and became one of mutual support; we all grew closer.
And, you know what else happened?
We all did a better job. Not only interpersonally but also professionally. We had a record year and hit all our goals. More importantly, we had created an “us against the world” cohesive team spirit.
Through this experience, I learned a great professional lesson, one that has transformed me to this day. For me to be the best leader I can be, I must live my personal values at work.
Thank you Tori Ward for caring enough to encourage me to live my values at work. It changed my life and career.
Stan, as always, thank you for all of your personal and professional support. More importantly, thank you for continuing to making the case for humanity.
Originally published on LinkedIn
Photo—Dani Vázquez/Flickr