By building back yourself, while you are alone, you can re-find your own priorities and joys in life.
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Today, over four years after my divorce was finalized, I was still struck by a pang of sadness as I was dropping my kids’ bags off at my ex-wife’s house, the old house, our old house. I wondered, “How long will it take before I feel nothing?” But I immediately knew the answer. I will always feel a loss when dropping my kids’ bags off at my old house. The rest, what I do with those feelings, is up to me.
If you jump right back into the dating pool and hookup with a new lover, you might be short-changing your grieving and healing process.
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I can sink, as I did in the early years, or I can rise and draw power from the emotional impact and love the sadness indicates. Even sadness is energy. If we let it sink us we can spend days or weeks in a fog of sadness and self pity. And I have to admit, I spent some time there after my divorce. And it’s never quite so difficult as the time you are dropping the kids back at school when you know you won’t see them again for nearly a week. What? That was not in any of my marriage advice books, I didn’t know this was a potential outcome.
Getting over the loss of time with my kids is by far the biggest challenge I have faced in divorce. I thrive on their presence. I cajole, support, nurture, and laugh with them a lot. When they are gone, I don’t have near as much opportunity for that connective joy. And of course, with teenaged children, the off-time communication is less critical to them. It’s still massively important to me, but they are more preoccupied with school, sports, and going steady.
For me, the time I have spent not getting back into a relationship has been invaluable. I believe my inner resolve has been strenghtened. I know my innate joy and passion has returned, and it’s not dependant on anyone else. In fact, that’s the rub. You can’t count on any one else to do the work after your divorce. Sympathy from friends and counselors is fine and helpful, but the “work” is completely up to you.
If you jump right back into the dating pool and hookup with a new lover, you might be short-changing your grieving and healing process. You might be trading in the old failed relationship for a “next” relationship that is built on the same unstable foundation. I think that’s a mistake.
I tried dating again, I jumped on match.com, eHarmony, and OKCupid almost immediately after I was asked to leave the house. It was a miserable experience. There were a few cute women, but nobody that caught my attention expressed any interest in me. Bummer. But I know now, that I was in no condition to date. For me it was about sex, touch, cuddling, nurturing. And those things, in the real world, come with a lot more entanglement than we might imagine.
I want a woman who shows up and knows what she wants. I’ve been very clear when the chemistry and mental acuity was a match for me.
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I know now, having had two serious relationships since divorce, that there is no such thing as casual sex FOR ME. Friends with benefits sounds like an interesting concept, but in practice, I always get attached. From that “cheating site” the advice for a hookup-type relationship is to make it 100% about the sex. Don’t date. Don’t go out. Just do it and move on with the rest of your life. Um, that’s not what I’m after.
So here at four years and counting, I’ve had two relationships that lasted 3 months and 4 months respectively. And while neither ended up being the “next” relationship for me, they both taught me valuable lessons.
FIRST RELATIONSHIP
I had read The 5 Languages of Love during my divorce, but it was a bit too late to figure out how to bridge the gap between us with some philosophy. But the information was vital to my recovery. What I learned in my first serious dating experience was how it felt to be in relationship with someone who spoke the same love language: touch. She changed my life. I won’t ever settle for anything less than “touch.” Because it is possible to be in relationship with someone who has a different primary love language, but it’s always a compromise. My first relationship showed me what was possible and it blew the mystery off what had gone wrong in my marriage.
SECOND RELATIONSHIP
This woman taught me that no matter how much you want it, when the other person is not ready, or is unwilling to build up a committed relationship, it’s not going to work. There was no amount of flexibility or compromise I could provide to keep my second girlfriend from breaking up with me every other week. She would tell me she didn’t want a relationship. She would tell me we weren’t going to work out. And I would dive right back in at the first opportunity. Perhaps the physical attraction was just that high. Perhaps it was that she shared my love of tennis, and the cute tennis skirt. Either way, I learned, that no matter how fantastic I think the person is, and not matter how hard I’m willing to try, push, encourage, nurture, if they are not ready, they are not going to be convinced that they are ready. It’s not our job to get the other person ready. Either they are or they are not.
MOVING FORWARD
I want a woman who shows up and knows what she wants. I’ve been very clear when the chemistry and mental acuity was a match for me. I am as transparent as I can be. And so far, I’ve had one near miss. This time it appeared we had a YES on both sides. And then after three fascinating days, she went dark. Again, I could’ve pushed, I could’ve worked my romance. Instead I listened and responded. I asked about what was going on. She said it was a timing thing, and her life had just turned topsy turvy.
I had to accept her word for it and move on. As excited as we both seemed on day two, when the connection goes from 50-50 to 90-10, it’s time to back off and reconsider. It’s in those moments of reconsideration that we can have the greatest clarity. When we stop and ask again, “What do I want?” we have an opportunity to refine and redirect our energy towards what is most important in our lives.
For me, most of the time and energy has been redirected towards being a great dad, and being present for my kids above all else. I’d like a relationship, and I’m still casually working the online dating options, but I’m not in a hurry. The first YES woman, the most recent near miss, had me just a tad nervous. I think that’s healthy. What will happen when SHE shows up?
I don’t know, but I’m excited to find out. Patient to make sure it’s a solid relationship, but I’m ready. I’m asking the universe to “bring it on.”
So, in answer to the original question, “How long will it hurt?” I think the answer is always. But the next part is the critical work for your divorce recovery. What are you going to do with that hurt? Get over it by sublimating your feelings with another relationship? Or are you prepared to dig in a bit, pause, and explore what went wrong? And then by building back yourself, while you are alone, you can re-find your own priorities and joys in life. When you’ve got someone who’s ready to join you in those, and who speaks the same love language, well … I don’t know. Then perhaps the hurt will be nothing more than an old scar that I touch from time to time to remember.
Always Love,
John McElhenney
@wholeparent
back to Dating After Divorce
related posts:
- Ready or Not-Ready for a Relationship: The Dating Game
- Hungry Tigers and High Heels on the Running Trail
- I Sing the Body Connected
- The Three Essential Elements of Love
references:
- The 5 Love Languages Gary Chapman
- Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends Bruce Fisher
image: the kiss, the prophet, creative commons usage
Are there any Good men out there?
Thanks for Being there for me on line I’m petite, pretty loving giving, very insecure lonely and sad. I have been abused was in a shelter for women for 2 weeks. I have very little money. All I have ever been is A HOUSEVIFE I’ve been to college only need one class to finish. I’m 56 .
I wish I had read this article prior to dating a newly divorced man. We dated 5 months and he just broke up with on 4/26/17. He said he wanted a committed relationship in the beginning, he pursued me, courted me and then dropped this bomb on me. He had invited me to his mother’s birthday party and then 3 days prior to actually going, he says he can’t do “this” anymore and everything is off now. Needless to say that I am very hurt an upset. He said he cannot see me at all, no contact. His brother told… Read more »
Grace, I am so sorry to hear of your experience & the way he handled it … Rejection is painful; especially when one thinks there’s acceptance *
Great piece. My wife of 23 years (been together for 29 – since age 17) dropped the bomb in Sept 16. By this point she had already had one affair (2009) that lasted 3 months initially but then another 6 after she went back to him. Then in 2012 she threatened to leave as she wasnt happy with how her life was working out. Anyway, by November 16 she had moved out, by December she was seeing someone else who turned out to be my son’s football coach and happens to be my next door neighbour – of course there… Read more »
Now my marriage is on crisis, we just got married 7 months ago. I didn’t like or love my husband when he courted me. But since he is so consistent, I’d give him a chance and we got married after 5 months of dating. I really had a bad temper issue, and it cause always a fight between us, a week never ends without a fight. Every time I get mad he was so calm before but recently he can’t control his temper anymore. I know he got difficulty on understanding me anymore. Recently we had a fight then he… Read more »
this is a very healthy blog. The writer accurately dispels the myth that jumping into bed/relationship with someone right away will help in the long term…it’s just a temporary salve. I was in a 14 year relationship that just ended and for the last 9 of those years i experienced what Shakespeare referred to as unrequited love or “unreturned love/affection” It was brutal. My journal of healing is just beginning and already, through the vice grip like pain, I am learning a huge amount about my own deficiencies (co dependent, low self esteem, etc). I am discovering my faith to… Read more »
Thank you for your words you truly captured the depth and heartache of a divorce. I too have been divorced for 4 years and I still ask myself when will the pain go away. He has been trying to get back together for a year now but I just don’t know if I can ever recover from the pain and loss he put me through.
This is depressing. My wife just left me and these articles give me no hope that things will get or feel better. I can’t imagine still hurting like this 4 years from now, and I really hope I don’t! This is not a feeling I choose to want to feel for that long!
Hopeless, you’re missing the other 50% of the posts. Yes, there are moments… But the bright sides will also show up. I’m doing more of the things I love now that I’m divorced. Sure, I’d rather be doing them with someone, but that will happen for me again. I’ve got to get myself in a place to be ready. Until then, keep the faith. You will get through this. Check out the full blog, there are a lot of posts on either side of your situation. http://theoffparent.com Cheers.
just wondering how you are doing now? your comment appeared almost 2 years ago…?
John, thank you for this beautifully written heartfelt article. You described precisely the agony of divorce. To me, the worst part is to drop off my kid to his Dad and not being able to see him everyday. I have been divorced since 2008. I, too jumped into many other relationships right after my divorce as if I was looking for validation that I was still “marketable”. Those days are over. Although I am still single, I am at a much better place. I know who I am, what I want, and who I want. I am humbly grateful for… Read more »
Yes, we learn and grow. Thank you for your comment. Keep trying.
I know this isn’t completely on topic but posts like this are the reason why I don’t think I can ever get married. I’m 21 and even though I haven’t had a serious relationship, I’ve spent most of my teen years dreaming of growing up and falling in love (not completely typical I know), but the more I find out about it the more I realise it’s a pipe dream. I’m glad you’re committed to being happy but I couldn’t go through all of that. I still look for the odd argument that makes me believe it’s possible but I… Read more »
Robin I’m 41 and recently divorced. At your age I couldn’t have imagined life with kids and marriage. I didn’t want it like you found the idea impossible. I did it and it didn’t work out. I have no regrets. Love hurts but the hurt is just a sign that you have depths of feeling. Being married is awesome when it is working which is why it’s so hurtful after it’s done. We wonder why it didn’t work out and we know it’s the right thing to be separated but it still hurts. I’d get married again I just have… Read more »
I found this very helpful. Even though I did not come out of a divorce, but a long committed relationship and didnt have any kids (though there were kids involved, that was hard to leave) I found that what you explained/felt is very similar time my thoughts and feelings. Especially the whole casual sex and nurturing thing. Your “second girlfriend ” advice has also opened my eyes to what I am currently experiencing . As much as I don’t want admit it, or feel the hurt again I think it would be best to…move on from this one. :/ Thanks… Read more »
Thanks Kieran, I am glad my writing has helped you get a perspective.
It all depends on the day for me. Some days there is no hurt at all. Other days it’s tough. And I’ve found my next wife and there are still things that make it tough to deal with. When my kids blame me for the divorce, it’s tough. When my kids blame me for their mother not having money despite her having more money than I do, it’s tough. Some of those pains will likely never go away because the stories get ingrained over time and whether they are true or not doesn’t matter because they become their versions of… Read more »
Thanks for your comment. I’m sure there will always be a little sadness, but it’s much easier now.