Men are often more consumed with what they will sacrifice if they are truly themselves, rather than what they will gain by embracing it fully.
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A common theme within the sessions I have is loss or, more specifically the fear of loss. It has to be one of the biggest ‘honesty gifts’ given over to me from the men that I see. Fear of a loss of being loved, of security, respect, position, friendship. Even sometimes, the loss of the facades they have come to rely on as crutches, for something else that feels broken. This I know is something to be expected, something which is natural if you don’t yet understand that these things kept under false pretences are not truly yours. That love, for example, under false pretences is as bleak as the lack of it. Once you admit this, it’s amazing how quickly the bottom falls out, the way the gloss starts to peel, how the protection of such beauty, turns merely into an act of harbouring stolen goods.
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What I want to write about here though isn’t what I do hear from clients, it’s about what I don’t hear from them – the very poignant absence of a particular admission. Very rarely have I heard men say that they’re scared of losing themselves, of who they are. Never ‘I’m scared of losing X because it means denying who I am.’ But mostly, ‘I’m denying who I am because I’m scared of losing X’. I hope the distinction here is clear. The reason this surprises me is that when put on the table, laid in black and white, what they are unconsciously telling me is that losing the respect or love or security of X is, right now, more important than losing who they are, as a human being. This is immense. Unless in extreme cases, I find it one of the most destructive of sacrifices to witness. My first response usually is to ensure that in whichever way it has been said, my client knows exactly what it is he is potentially committing to. Knows and understands. And if he understands, that he is willing to accept the consequences, without compensating for them. If you accept something wholly, there should be no need for compensation to make you feel complete or to punish another, no need for drinking oneself into oblivion, whoring to make up for it, lying and ultimately perpetuating a torture. You may want compensation, that’s different – needing and chasing it is a whole different ball game.
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My intention and my hope here, is to remind people that we need to be careful when weighing up what we are prepared to sacrifice for another human being’s comfort or peace. To sacrifice, in my books, is to make one thing more important than the other, and if we choose to do this we must do it consciously, aware of the gravity of the situation and its real-time consequences. If we don’t, it can and may do its very best to eventually destroy our own sense of comfort and peace. If fortunate, after the decision is made we sometimes have the opportunity to change our minds somewhere further down the line. We should however, avoid doing this always out of despair, doing it only when backed against a wall, tired, angry or emotionally ravaged. Wherever possible, get in before this moment, before the leak of unfulfilment turns into a torrent, demanding to be dammed immediately. Remain conscious enough to know when embracing your true self is more important than sustaining the fraudulent copy.
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Photo: Sachitha Obeysekara/Flickr
But this happens to boys when they’re very young and it makes a heck of a lot more sense then. I once pointed out that a lot of boys are afraid of losing their relationship with their moms. Some moms like mine believe me to be an angel. Even now she tells people John is a good boy. What would my mother think if she knew my number (of sex partners) or how many fights I got in or all the stupid stunts I pulled in my youth. Even when there is evidence to the contrary, evidence that your mom… Read more »
Randy. And if you’re not sure who you’re supposed to be–obviously not who you are now–they have a nice list of possibilities for you.
“Men are often more consumed with what they will sacrifice if they are truly themselves, rather than what they will gain by embracing it fully.” — Please explain to us how this is something about men rather than something about human beings. Take your time. I’ll wait. And to the men who happen to read along, here’s a public service announcement: This is yet one more in an endless string of examples of how this site attempts to pathologize the experience of being a man. The basic idea is, you break ’em down by telling them all the things that… Read more »