Anthony Carter suggests you ask yourself “What can you offer that will change someone?”
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Valentine’s Day came and went a month ago, and along with it a host of disappointments and hurt feelings. Americans love big, grand meaningless gestures especially if there is some food involved. I love chocolate and any reason to eat it and be extra sweet to my sweetie.
What matters most is not the large, commercial and social expectations that are quickly forgotten about. What matters are all the little gestures and points of contact before and between all of the big showstopping numbers. As India Arie says: gimme some Stevie, gimme some Donny.
It really is about all the little things we do all day everyday.
I am always amused when I see people wet their pants getting worked up about their agreed upon plans that always include spending money. I have know and dated several men from various socioeconomic backgrounds. No matter how little or how much each of these men had there were times that they felt compelled to show their care by doing something lavish and pricey.
I have never been able to get men to understand that the things I crave are simple.
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In this culture, we are taught to look down on and disrespect the simple and uncomplicated particularly if it involves not spending money.
I was sick around the Christmas holidays. I have made the decision that my yuletide infirmaries are directly related to this mass consumption exercise that has nothing to do with Christ. According to the tale of Christmas, the parents of Christ and those surrounding them were not throwing hissy fits because there were no playstations available.
Whatever people feel about this story and the holiday that it created, the point remains: give from the heart.
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All of the men I’ve dated spend money that they either couldn’t afford or could have been put to better use. There are many things that I love and cherish that cost very little or are free.
NYC, with its exorbitant rental properties and sky high cinema adventures is a great place to learn what is really important. I still have fond memories of eating cheap hot wings with friends or spending hours walking in and wandering into free galleries and then hitting Chinatown for cheap eats.
Why is it that we feel the need to make every proclamation loud, brash and expensive?
When I remember all of the best times with friends and family not one memory is linked to an excessive amount of money that was spent.
Whether lamenting with my best friend over our piss poor choices in men while snarfing down a stack of chocolate chip pancakes or trying to figure out a tricky scene in Macbeth before watching a Richard Pryor concert amidst hot wings with my director friend, Michael, none of these events took place in a grand fashion.
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I was recently at a breakfast cafe and witnessed a father attempting to create some special time with his daughter.
Dad spent the entire meal with his head in an electronic device only looking up to grab the silverware. I wanted to scream at him and shove that phone into the orange juice. While she prattled on about their next stop (which involved spending more money), I gallantly fought back the urge to butt in and offer some brilliant insight.
I would have loved to say: What are you doing ? In five years, she’ll be gone and you’ll be begging her to talk to you.
Throwing away money on a meal that you’ve only looked up from once is not the best and brightest use of your money.
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One of the worst fights I had with my dad was over money.
During a highly over the top spending spree that happened to coincide with XMAS, my dad asked me why I had done no Christmas shopping and wanted to remind me that I was “running” out of time to shop. His concern was not how we could better our relationship or how I could be a better son or he a better father.
The only solution: spending money and going into debt. This was the American way and I better get with the program.
I still can’t believe the strong-arming that was attempted in an effort to get me to go along with the crowd.
If we could all learn the power of simplicity and how to gift one another from the heart the world would change.
I often remember my most challenging circumstances and how what sustained me was a great conversation, a library book, a cup of coffee or tea with a trusted friend.
No amount of money can replace someone showing up for you while you pack and prepare for the very real possibility of eviction.
We must understand that we are more than things.
We can give ourselves. We can offer a kind word or smile. A knowing nod that says: me, too.
What can you offer that will change someone ?
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