Relationships are a collision of worlds. When love chooses you, it is beautifully chaotic.
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If you are not married and are in a committed relationship, I hope what I write will connect with you. At the core, a marriage is a relationship of two people held together by love, good intentions and a lot of coffee.
My marriage is good enough. By good enough I do not mean that it is a bad marriage. On the contrary, my marriage fits me. My marriage changes me every day, it keeps me growing.
Marriage is a little like addiction recovery, you come realize the truth about yourself and that you need to change. Sometimes the change can be fun, other times you have to sweat it out.
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A marriage that works is a marriage that makes room for each other’s weaknesses and shitty days. I have discovered more about myself than I thought possible. And then I have to do something about it. Marriage is a little like addiction recovery, you come realize the truth about yourself and that you need to change. Sometimes the change can be fun, other times you have to sweat it out.
Marriage is a place for your worst and your best. I have seasons of shittiness, irrationality, obsessions and messiness. I keep it together at work, but home is a place where I feel secure enough to let it all out. That is what a good marriage does; you can be yourself even at your worst.
A good marriage is not a compromise, nor is it settling for second best. It is like any partnership, it can be rough and you speak you minds but at the core you know you will work this through.
Longing for a perfect marriage can drive you nuts, because it is impossible. My marriage does not always light my fire, which may have to do with my age. It takes a lot of work but at the core, a good marriage is based on commitment and loyalty. The good feelings come and then they go, but the commitment lasts.
The things that once drove you crazy seem not as bad. Some say this is settling. I say, of course it is settling. Every good ocean settles and covers the rocky bottom with years of sediment, treasures, wrecks and sadness. Your love provides a blanket that covers whatever life may throw at you.
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My wife threatened to buy us identical jackets for our anniversary and it terrifies me. I have come to realize that a sign that your marriage is working is that you become like each other. You rub off each other’s rough edges. It is healthy to maintain your identity and uniqueness, but the work of love causes you to reflect the good that you see in your partner… minus the matching jackets.
Early in marriage, love feels like rockets and explosions. Good marriages still have that, it’s just not all of the time. Love begins to feel like coffee and tea, like a warm hug. Exploding fireworks matter less because you have found someone who gets you. And that is where love begins to explode.
The things that once drove you crazy seem not as bad. Some say this is settling. I say, of course it is settling. Every good ocean settles and covers the rocky bottom with years of sediment, treasures, wrecks and sadness. Your love provides a blanket that covers whatever life may throw at you.
Psychologist Archibald Hart tells about how when we are first married, it is like a car we with only the basic chassis and an engine that runs rough. As time goes on and we work at it, we add the body and complete the vehicle. For years it runs rough but with attention it seems to improve. The marriage eventually take off but will continue to need tune ups, maintenance and replacement parts. The vehicle takes you where you need to go, you encounter challenging weather, long seasons of cold, and unexpected terrain.
After 18 years of marriage, Dr. Hart’s metaphor fits my marriage. We have a lot more that works than does not, and it is easy to forget that. One of the things that I have learned is to appreciate my wife for the many unnoticed things that she does each day.
I look forward to the day when my children enter their own marriages. I hope that they find a good marriage. It takes good men and good women to make a good marriage. That is what I am working toward.
If you want to join the conversation about improving your relationships, join us at the Good Men Project. This is the place where we are having the conversation that no one else is having.
Keep it Real
Photo Credit: Vladimir Pustovit
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