A culture of aggression exists and men can stand up and say “That’s NOT cool!”
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I want to talk to you about the male peer culture of aggression. YEAH! You heard me…
It’s a topic that has been on my mind since the Ray Rice ‘incident’. What struck me the most was the reaction of men around me. Most were showing very strong reactions to it and voiced their disapproval.
And I think that’s really important for men to speak up more:
WHY?
- Because your voice will be heard where mine doesn’t matter.
- Because violence against women is not only a women’s issue. It’s everyone’s issue. In fact, it is mainly a men’s issue!
- Because men are the perpetrators. And as long as we brush this aside, we are giving men the permission to look the other way and retreat in uncomfortable silence.
- Because women can’t change the male peer culture. Men can.
I’m not writing this to shame anyone for their silent consent. I often avoid the issue myself. I do! Guilty!
And I experience some form of chauvinistic or aggressive male behavior every day of my life. And like most women, I have my ways of “dealing with it” to lessen the impact. In a way my avoidance me just trying to not give it any energy. Maybe I’m just resigned to it. Sometimes we got to pick our battles.
Right? NO?
Let me use give you a little example from my personal life. I recently started “running” again — an activity that apparently invites a great variety of colorful comments and “creative” gestures when done in the outdoors.
It is annoying! – No doubt. Do you know what I noticed about this situation?
- How good I was at tuning it out by day three.
- How I instinctively started testing different routes.
- How I tried different outfits.
- How horrified the guys were of themselves if I stopped to tell them how it made me feel and why it was not appropriate. (ironically, they mean well).
- How aggressive they get if I ignore them or tell them off. (scary)
- How I intuitively know that smiling is the fastest way to end the interaction. (simultaneously encouraging really bad behavior)
- I remembered, why I used to run in a gym at night (aka limiting my world due to someone else’s bad behavior)
- When I tell my girlfriends, they either shrug in resignation or say something like “URGH, I KNOW!!!”
I decided to bring this up in conversation with my male peers and here is what I found:
- Most will discuss the issue as long as there are no other men around.
- Most show very strong disapproval and a need to be labeled the good guy
- Some just shake their heads in disgust and get skittish.
- Some just lower their heads and quickly changing the subject.
- Some make up excuses, a very disempowered way of giving they approval.
So what is really going on here? What is going on with men in our lives? Why are men so uncomfortable when confronted with this behavior by their male peers, and to some degree their own.
This male peer culture of aggression is the breeding ground for behavior that consistently inspires harassment, misconduct, discrimination, and assault all over the world.
Yet we have allowed for men to be erased from this conversation. We create women’s leadership groups, discuss women’s choices, find new ways to ‘protect’ women – basically organize against it.
Which is important! I’m not denying that.
However, these efforts will, in my opinion, only be marginally effective unless men start joining the ranks of those who speak up to their peer groups, in public and in private.
I’d love to hear a discussion as to what men can do differently!
I know it’s tough to ask for this, because men are often stuck in a culture that at best resembles at state of perpetual adolescence, in which there is little room for real discussion, let alone expression of “feelings.”
I often catch men ‘conveniently’ overlooking the fact that this behavior is often perpetrated by otherwise good people in their lives. These are not weird creeps from an alternate universe, the Ray Rices from far-off TV land. The perpetrators are most likely otherwise perfectly normal people.
They are people you know. It’s you, it’s your peers, it’s your family members. It happens all around, and by staying silent you are giving your permission for this continue.
Yes – you are! You give your silent consent every time you say nothing.
You participate:
- By not being cognitive of your own behavior.
- By ignoring it when your peers do it in front of you.
- By pretending it doesn’t affect you.
… But it does.
Again, I am not here to shame anyone. From what I can tell, most men deeply care. Nobody really approves of it. And men often feel ashamed of the behaviors of their gender. They know it, they see it, they feel it.
Yet there is an awful lot of silence between men.
Why aren’t men talking to each other? Why don’t men take a stand against other abusive men? Why do men have issues around anger, and impulse control in the first place? Why is addressing the issues make them skittish? Why does this issue make them feel so ashamed. We are not trying to emasculate you.
So then what is the threat here? Could it be that…
- Men grow up in a peer culture of aggression, and if they stand against it, they fear being socially alienated or becoming a target themselves.
- Men retreat into silence when confronted with something that makes them uncomfortable. It’s a learned behavior that is widely accepted.
- Men are not challenged to emotionally mature. They certainly do not challenge each other. Men enjoy their ‘play time’ with their peers, pleading ignorance to its effects.
- Men still quietly give each other permission to act out. They might even laugh along when a colleagues makes a horrible comment -‘cause it’s funny’(?).
- Men who care feel powerless over those who don’t. They feel lost in not knowing what to do instead.
… I can’t be sure. I am not a man. But when is enough enough? What’s it going to take?
One thing is certain, we need things to change. And I say:
We need our men to break this cycle. We need better male peer culture, better leadership and healthy male role models. We need you. We need you to take a stand against abuse and immature behavior.
Men value strength, use it to speak up. Men are in most positions of power. Men can take the lead in setting a new standard. Men have the dominant voice to change institutional authority much faster and effectively than women’s voices at this time.
Know this:
- There is a difference between being assertive and violent
- There are healthy forms of expressing anger
- Aggression itself is not a bad thing. You could channel it into strength to take a stand
- That in most cases a verbal expression of disapproval like “that is not cool” carries a lot of weight
But as long as you retreat in silence you are keeping the system alive.
Originally posted on SilviaChristmann.com
Photo: fotologic/Flickr
Dear author, if I might take a moment to step outside what you’ve characterized as “a culture that at best resembles a state of perpetual adolescence” to offer a bit of discussion and give an expression of my own feelings here- Violence, aggression, and malignant force are not cool. Coercion and manipulation are not cool; and they can take many forms, besides overt (or implied) aggression or threat. But what else isn’t cool are stereotypes and prejudice: They’re not cool either because they misrepresent, and so to, coerce; that’s not cool. And that is not ‘fixing’ a problem, that is… Read more »
“Men grow up in a peer culture of aggression…”
My husband had some sort of disagreement with one of his close friends….the friend said something or did something very offensive or inappropriate….to settle it, the friend turned to my husband and offered his upper arm and said: “Here…hit me…yeah, go ahead…hit me on the arm….” My husband recoiled and looked at him quizzically….and shook his head in shock….my husband forgave his friend for the offense and he refused to punch him…(I guess his friend was used to punching out his other guy friends…he acted like this was a normal thing….)