Is society’s term “man up” the scapegoat for our lack of evolution in dealing with male emotion in our boys?
–
I cuddle my boys. Always have and always will. There is nothing better than being sandwiched on the sofa between two of them, with the third sitting on my knee. I tell them I love them. I comfort them when they hurt themselves, I chat with them and it is perfectly ok (although it tugs at my heart strings) for them to cry should something upset them. Why? because they are little boys. Will it still be ok when they are older? Absolutely! (though perhaps too much for my knees!).
I read a great blog recently by High Gloss and Sauce, a mother of three girls who asked her mother in law how she had managed to raise such an amazing son. Her answer was simple. She had never told him to ‘man-up’!
We definitely need to move away from the out dated attitude that boys need to ‘man-up’ and ‘be a man’ from early age. Let’s be clear, this is a world away from instilling a healthy level of self confidence in our sons which is important. Forcing them to ‘man-up’ encourages them to go it alone and hide their feelings: suppressing their emotions, limiting their choices and distancing them from family. Could this belief in manning-up our boys also be responsible for, at times, frankly bad behaivour? Unruly, disrespectful and rough boys actions being shrugged off as ‘just being boys’.
How do we expect young boys to turn into the men we want, able to show their emotions, cook, clean, talk, socialise, be empathetic and look after children, if we do not allow them to develop this side of their character when they are young?
And this issue goes further – it affects girls too! Telling boys to ‘man-up’ is damaging to girls and how boys view them. It conveys the message to boys that behaving ‘girly’ is somehow beneath them, embarrassing and to be ashamed about. How can boys and girls grow to mutually respect each other if their sex is used negatively against them?
Boys and girls are different so yes, let’s celebrate their differences as they are special and important. And, we should teach our children strength of character, to be able to stand up for themselves and what they believe regardless of what other people say and think.
But for those boys and girls who want it, let’s give them freedom to choose, equally. From sports to careers and even clothing, from little girls to women we have campaigned and encouraged for access to partake in everything that boys and men do. Surely boys should be afforded the same luxury.
So let’s make a change. Buy your son that toy baby and buggy (they also come in blue if he so desires!) if that’s the toy he wants. Snuggle up in bed and watch a movie for as long as they will let you. Sit and comfort him if he cries. Show him what it means to think of others. Talk, hug, play, laugh and let him be young and carefree. Childhood passes so fast – don’t rush it!
Some parents worry that by doing this they will somehow weaken their son, diminish their perceived strength, leadership and man-hood. Many experts in this field would strongly refute this and indeed assert that the opposite is true—that it creates confident boys and defines their masculinity.
Therefore, I will definitely not, never ever, tell my boys to ‘man-up’. Instead I hope my ‘real men’ will turn out to be well rounded individuals who are strong and self assured, able to look after themselves and their homes, notice the small things, think of others, embrace life and truly love and appreciate someone special….that will be one lucky someone!
Can we make a difference together? I have teamed up with HighGlossSauce to launch the fully inclusive ‘Down With Man Up’! Supporting boys and respecting girls. Similar campaigns like ‘bossyBan’ have worked well so please support it. If you have view on this—boy or girl!—comment here or on our sites luckymothersofboys or HighGlossSauce , and tweet using the hashtag #downwithmanup. Thank you.
Photo: Eyliam/Flickr
——
Great suggestion to team up with other male bloggers. I will look into that. But, hopefully you can see that what I am writing about here is boys, not men and or their masculinity. Bringing up boys must be the responsibility and concern of all society – dads, mothers, aunties, uncles etc – and boys choices do seem to be limited because certain toys or colours or activities are perceived as not ‘manly’ enough. As a woman this does not strike me as fair and as a mother of boys I want more for them. I would have absolutely no… Read more »
Thank you for making my point even clearer. Yes, talking about boys, and messages they hear like “man up.” Any idea who I heard those messages from as a boy? Any idea how the women in my community reinforced or tried to undermine those voices? Any idea what fathers are doing today to balance the choices that our sons have (that challenge the status quo)? Of course I am supportive of anyone who wants to have this dialogue because it is very important, but your tone of not being very receptive to others (even this dad-blogger) is not dialogue, its… Read more »
Frankly, I find it offensive when a women attempt to lead a conversation about insights into male development or the process of masculinity. It usually lacks credibility (not always, but often) because by definition a woman’s take on this issue comes from a feminized perspective; a perspective that looks through the lens of feminine develop generalized to a masculine process. There are many, many dad bloggers who discuss these issues on their websites and speak with great credibility and clarity. In the future if you write on these important topics, I would strongly suggest that you reach out them, use… Read more »
Interesting comment, and thank you for sharing it. Full disclosure: I”m another women who writes (often) about male development and masculinity. I’m also a mom of four boys. Do I have a female perspective? Absolutely — which I think makes my perspective valuable. I AM an outsider to male culture, but if I am to raise my boys well, it will serve me well to try to better understand male development and the issues boys and men face in our society. It serves society well if I share those insights with other parents and educators of boys.
Wow, I may be a spammer …. amazing how things changed when I stopped my membership
my first post was not here because the site sometimes decides to think i’m a spammer. Sheesh. Here’s the gist of it. I disagree, Tom, on the use of the term “man up”. Invariably it is used not in the way of a man’s, or a person’s character, but in their being. Their emotional being. To man up is to be stoic, show no fear, be aggressive, put up walls, not being communicative, and actively expressing a distaste for girl things. If you like chick flicks, shed tears at sensitive stories of others plights, express fears you have inside, cook,… Read more »
You have defined how ‘man up’ is used really well. Thank you
Actually, in re-reading your post Josh, I think I mis-interpreted your comment. You clearly set aside the notion of the box, and stated men needed specifically to be more versaitile. You are correct. I also would add that to man up to me is to be respectful of others, to hold my tendency for violence in check, to assess a situation for thee appropriate responses. To not belittle women in general, and support my wife, in her being. In short, to do anything that any civilized person would do, male or female. Quick example. I always hold the exit door… Read more »
I think you might be confusing “man up” with ” grow up”.
Interesting comment however I am afraid I disagree. Anyone can be told to ‘grow up’ whether they are male or female and at any age (sometimes justifiably!). Men can be told to ‘man up’ and what that means and whether it is right or wrong could be another article topic. But to tell boys to ‘man up’ is forcing them to exhibit characteristics which are beyond their years. Boys should be allowed to be carefree and show vulnerability, emotion and affection without being judged negatively.
I think that men are in a place where our identity and role in our communities are too ambiguous and as well defined as it has been in the past. There are too many voices in society competing to define what a man should be. I agree nothing is “wrong” with “manning up” but a man in this day has to be more versatile than the pioneer, the factory worker, or the activist. I wrote more about this on my blog http://www.thenurturingfather.com/developing-a-new-identity/, for what’s worth.
Thanks for your comment. I agree that there is absolutely nothing wrong with men being men and being proud of it. But boys should be allowed to be boys, free from the responsibilities and emotional maturity that men develop and take on. Simply, boys should be allowed to grow at their own pace and not be pressurised into doing so before their time.
“Man Up” simply means to step up as a man,take responsibility.It has nothing to do with a macho image. “Man up” is all encompassing, so who is to say that “man up” is a bad thing. I’m a man, a dad, a husband,a grandfather that’s gone through hell and back on several different levels. I’m not a women so there is nothing else I could do other then manning up.
I suppose the PC would be to “person up.” Sorry, but I’m a guy who thoroughly enjoys being a “man.”