Steven Downey talks about life, his wife, and working in a Woman’s Shelter.
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I’m probably dating myself, but when I was young; on the television (I know it sounds weird, now we just say TV), or at the movie theatre, you could always tell the good guys by their hats. Of course it became cliché, and eventually disappeared from our media; but for a really long time, a white hat was the symbol of the good guys. I grew up in the sixties and seventies and after some “exploration” finally decided to “be” a good guy too. At 18 I enlisted in the Navy, just in time for them to re-introduce the old dixie cup so I could wear a “White Hat.” In the late seventies and early eighties the US military was really not that bad a place to be. Vietnam was over, the Cold war still had everyone worried, but it somehow seemed contained. I think there really was a feeling that the military folks needed a break, and in some ways we got one. In exchange for a six year commitment, (No small thing, I agree.) I received nearly two years of advanced electronics training on shore, and eventually made it to the fleet. After living together for awhile my wife, Tammy, and I got married in a small ceremony in Hawaii, and lived happily ever after.
No really we did. Of course we had our ups and downs, our challenges. We learned about finances, separation, trust, jealousy, faith, and patience, lots and lots about patience. By the time we hit our early thirties, we really had life figured out. Two perfect young kids, nice little ranch house in a quiet town. After living away for a few years we now lived close to both of our families. Our kids had a hoard of cousins, who attended each birthday, 4th of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and chased after eggs at Easter. Our marriage was strong (over 10 years) and there just wasn’t much we hadn’t seen yet. We thought……………..
Tammy says it was like a switch turned on in her head. (The day that it happened) and a voice screamed in her head so loud it hurt. No No No No No No! Our four year old daughter was sitting on her Great Grandfather’s lap, and in slow motion he reached over to a bowl by his chair, grabbed a stick pretzel and held it up for her to take. Just like that Tammy saw herself, saw the beginning of “training,” quiet negotiations, manipulations, and her abuse. Twenty-five years of silence was broken and the truth came out in a long howl that rocked our world and changed us all forever.
Two years later after lots of counseling, agony, crying and learning; things had started to turn around. Tammy attended a group at the local women shelter. After months of receiving help from these wonderful women, they offered her the chance to pay it forward and she accepted. Tam shared “household” duties with six other employees that looked after the women and children at the house. Each of them also had special duties as councilors, legal advocates, community outreach, children’s advocates, etc. Tam started as the community outreach person. She coordinated with schools all over two counties, to hold education sessions for elementary kids (good touch, bad touch). She also took turns answering the hotline and helping with the day-to-day needs of as many as three families living there. The women’s shelter had been integrated into our lives by now, and even our kids (6 and 4 by then) were regular visitors. After a full day of work, there were still calls for special help, special counseling at all hours and sometimes the kids would tag along by necessity. For myself, I found this house to be the most confounding, confusing, foreign place on the planet. I was not encouraged to spend time there for many practical reasons. Beaten and battered women and children, just don’t trust men. How could they, why should they. Still I added my name to the volunteer list, and once I was “outed” by Tammy as a pretty good house hold fixit guy; I helped repair old furniture, appliances, doors, windows, electrical outlets, telephones, and computers and, ….
It changes you when you have to work on a broken door hinge, in a room with a young mother with a split lip, holding her baby in her arms. There would be hollow quiet stares, and darting looks at every move I made. Older kids would sometimes want to help the fix-it guy and occasionally they would cross the huge gulf to the other side of the room with their mother’s permission. I felt exposed in the most elemental way. A young child literally transfixed by my every movement, expression, and breath who desperately wanted attention. I come from a family of huggers. My dad, my mom, our extended family give epic amazingly wonderful hugs. But I was stripped of this most powerful way to assure, calm, and show love. Usually Tammy needed to escort my every move, and reassure mothers and kids alike that I was “safe.”
Eventually we developed a routine, a story that seemed to work, and was repeated every time I came to the shelter, to every child (and mother) that was there. “THIS is my husband, his name is Steve. He knows lot about fixing stuff. He’s here to fix the __blank. You don’t have to be afraid of him …he’s one of the good guys with the white hats. (But he doesn’t have any hat on at all.) You’re right that’s just an expression, you can’t tell good guys from their hats at all. But there are plenty of good guys in the world. You can tell he’s a good guy because he will only be with you if your Mom is around. He won’t touch you or try to give you anything. He has a quiet voice and listens hard to anything your mom says. If you want he will explain the fixing he is doing to you, that makes him very happy and you might see him smile a little.”
Tammy went on to work at three different women’s shelters for the next ten years. She tried to give back a little for the kindness she received and the healing. We have been married now for 34 years and are still surprised at all the things we don’t know. The ladies at the women’s shelter deserve so much gratitude for the amazing work they do. For me, it was an honor to be “One of the Good Guys with the White Hats.”
Photo: Daniel Novta
Surely, I know you are really Good at heart Steve.
The warm hospitality I received from you as we met for very first Time.
“There would be hollow quiet stares, and darting looks at every move that I made…” After breaking off relations with 2 longtime friends (both abusive in various ways), I just don’t trust anyone anymore….I keep my distance from people…waiting for a sign of aggression after the usual initial politeness….our ex-friends were so friendly and charming and funny in the beginning…later, they showed us some signs….and if we had our antennae up properly, we would have distanced ourselves from them sooner… That feeling of betrayal…of having been deceived and lied to about someone’s true nature is just galling….we were so naive… Read more »
Kudos Steve. You truly are one of the good guys!